DWs with controlling husbands

[Anonymous]

Much not nice ^^^

[Anonymous]

I've been gaslighted so much that I can't give you examples of the controlling behavior, apart from the gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason I did not answer is because it is too long of a story for a DCUM post.

The short version is Year 1-7 was great 1-5 was dating.
We had kids - huge stress trigger.
I find out my H suffers from anxiety... GAD which was not apparent until we had kids.
Year 11: He becomes self destructive... (affair)
Okay, in sickness and healthy, we get counseling.
I continue therapy for 3 years, he quits because I am apparently the broken one. He can control his controlling for months at a time, but he "falls off the wagon" and becomes controlling for months at a time. (If you picture yelling and screaming that is incorrect, he just wanted thing a certain way and would let me know I was wrong about 5 times a day. I was very good at ignoring it.)
Year 20: He becomes self destructive again (affair) so I ask for a divorce.
In therapy he realizes he was a victim of childhood trauma, probably has PTSD and has for about 40 years without therapy. Having kids triggered something he could not cope with but he hid it so well, except being controlling.
Back to in sickness and health.

I would kick is gnarly ass out for first the affair. I wouldn't spend any more time with someone I can't respect. Life is too short for for this BS.

[Anonymous]

My childhood best friend has a controlling husband. They are both good people and have made a good life for themselves and their now-grown children. He looks after her and she tolerates his extreme control issues. I don't know how she stands it, but I think she tolerates it because he does look after her and he makes her feel safe, which is a huge deal for her. She's a very sweet and gentle person.

She grew up with an abusive stepfather and a crazy mom. He had what sounds like a BPD mom.

[Anonymous]

I realized at some point in my marriage that I married my controlling mom. It's 100% anxiety driver on my mom's and my DH's part. Stress goes up, so does controlling behavior. It's all "harmless" but it's annoying as hell.

On one hand it's bad that my history attracted me to someone with a certain degree of pathology, but I'm also really good at handling it because of my experience with my mom. I just DO NOT ENGAGE with the silly and sometimes relentless nitpicking. I go into another room, I ignore, etc. If you indulge it, IT WILL GET WORSE. That's how anxiety works. They will feel better for a little while that they "kept control" and then get addicted to that feeling.

All of that said, I love my DH very much, he is very nurturing, caring, and loving. Sometimes it just goes too far and he gets annoying with believing that he has to micromanage how I do every little thing around the house etc.

Eh? C'est la vie.

[Anonymous]

I completely ignore my controlling husband and do stuff all the time he hates bc it's not his way. It helps sort of snap him out of it actually. But it's exhausting. Backbone of steal.

[Anonymous]

My DH is very controlling, but only because he is terrified of anything bad happening to me. Once I figured that out, I learned to manage him. We've been married almost 30 years.

[Anonymous]

My former best friend has a controlling husband.

Former because after years of having to bend over backwards to accommodate his demand on her, which always spilled over to everyone around her, I gave up. She dealt with his control issues by trying to dominate everyone else when he wasn't present.

It was exhausting. But she does love him, at least.

[Anonymous]

Can you guys give some examples of what you consider to be 'controlling behavior?' Thanks

[Anonymous]

Changing topics.
Gas lighting.
Manipulation.

I realized DH was mentally ill several years ago. Wool pulled over my eyes lifted. Gave him a therapy ultimatum. Got worse. Sticking it out for kids. I can't leave them alone with him.

I'm an idiot for not seeing signs sooner.

[Anonymous]

My husband was controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. It escalated after we had kids and I realized that they would repeat the cycle in their own future relationships. So I left and life is so much better. No more walking on eggshells, and I have real autonomy again.

[Anonymous]

Reading my email.
Reading my texts.
Following me or dropping by when I am out with friends to make sure I am where I say I am.
Accusing me of cheating. (I have never cheated.)
Intentionally doing things to frighten me (driving aggressively, leaving me alone at a concert).
Giving me the silent treatment until I do what he wants me to do.
Giving me the silent treatment when I try to have a hard conversation about our relationship.
Not engaging emotionally.
Shutting down sexually.
Turning things around to make them my fault.
Disappearing.
Lying.
Gas lighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My former best friend has a controlling husband.

Former because after years of having to bend over backwards to accommodate his demand on her, which always spilled over to everyone around her, I gave up. She dealt with his control issues by trying to dominate everyone else when he wasn't present.

It was exhausting. But she does love him, at least.

So she was the controlling one then not her husband.

Usually these relationships require both parties to engage in dysfunctional behavior to sustain them. Also the vast majority of relationships the woman is more often an aggressive controller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. It escalated after we had kids and I realized that they would repeat the cycle in their own future relationships. So I left and life is so much better. No more walking on eggshells, and I have real autonomy again.

So he was annoying but not controlling as proved by the fact that you left.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, 20:19, that's not just controlling, it's more full-on emotional abuse.

My childhood best friend with the loving but controlling husband--he does things like he shuts down certain conversation topics, insists they share one email account and he reads all her email, makes them stick to very strict schedules and regimens, and that kind of thing.