DWs with controlling husbands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a work in progress, but unfortunately a lifetime of a use and boundary violation made - makes - my ability to filter out toxic people weak.

I enjoy my husband in many ways, but the unpredictability and the anger is draining. I keep my distance at times. We're in counseling twice a week, on top of us each being in therapy, so I can say at least we're committed.

Most likely you give as good or better than you get. That's the part that's always left out in these sort of "Waahhh I have a vagina therefore I am a victim" sorts of stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man I like to be in control total 100% dominance..of house chores.lol

On a serious note and just my opinion of course, men that has to be controlling is because of lack of trust, betrayed (cheated on), issues during childhood, low self esteem/insecure or just a total asshole.

I almost turned became one because of infidelity and when I realized it I had to stop and reevaluate my relationship and it's best for us to divorce and start a new life. I refuse to be somebody I'm not if that makes sense.

You made a joke but it's an excellent point. In the "my husband doesn't do enough chores" thread how is it possible to describe the complaining moms as anything but abusively overcontrolling? Yet we all know why they skate. When mommmy does it, it's A-OK. When daddy does it, it's abuse of the highest order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes, 20:19, that's not just controlling, it's more full-on emotional abuse.

My childhood best friend with the loving but controlling husband--he does things like he shuts down certain conversation topics, insists they share one email account and he reads all her email, makes them stick to very strict schedules and regimens, and that kind of thing.

So what's stopping her from setting up her own email? It kind of sounds like he caught her cheating. Maybe she left that out of her story.

No, she didn't cheat. You don't get it, do you. Controlling men don't need you to give any signs of cheating to be paranoid about it. For her, it's less trouble to share the email and not have him accusing her of hiding things. I don't think it's healthy, obviously, but it's not my relationship.

There are people that have first names for their FB accounts so the couple can't have separate ones. I think that is a lack of trust issue.

Is this why people do that? I always wondered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes, 20:19, that's not just controlling, it's more full-on emotional abuse.

My childhood best friend with the loving but controlling husband--he does things like he shuts down certain conversation topics, insists they share one email account and he reads all her email, makes them stick to very strict schedules and regimens, and that kind of thing.

So what's stopping her from setting up her own email? It kind of sounds like he caught her cheating. Maybe she left that out of her story.

No, she didn't cheat. You don't get it, do you. Controlling men don't need you to give any signs of cheating to be paranoid about it. For her, it's less trouble to share the email and not have him accusing her of hiding things. I don't think it's healthy, obviously, but it's not my relationship.

There are people that have first names for their FB accounts so the couple can't have separate ones. I think that is a lack of trust issue.

Is this why people do that? I always wondered.

No. There was a thread about it a few months ago, many men don't want to deal with their own but want to see the pictures of friends/family/etc.

[Anonymous]

Never really thought of it, DH is pretty controlling which is weird because he's very introverted, reserved, and shy for the most part and I'm more outgoing and friendly but def have a rep for being Type A. DH controls with his moods. He's not very expressive or articulate so he just shuts down or acts petulant until I back track and walk on eggshells to figure out what's wrong with him and initiate the conversation on how to move forward. It's not yelling or screaming and of course I always have the choice to not give a shit but it's still exhausting.

[Anonymous]

A controlling husband is someone demanding you do things he himself would not do.

If he wants access to your email, phone, texts, Facebook, whatever, then he has to let you look at his.

If he goes to the gym, guy night out, whatever, then you have that too.

If he spends money without talking to you about it, then so can you. No matter which one of you brings in the money.

An equal marriage is a quid pro quo marriage.

Anything else is borderline abuse or actual abuse. There should be no power struggle and he is NOT your daddy.

[Anonymous]

One of my former best friends has a super controlling husband. Right after she got married he started forbidding her from seeing her friends. He slowly isolated her from everyone. It's really creepy and unfortunately we don't talk anymore except maybe once a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A controlling husband is someone demanding you do things he himself would not do.

If he wants access to your email, phone, texts, Facebook, whatever, then he has to let you look at his.

If he goes to the gym, guy night out, whatever, then you have that too.

If he spends money without talking to you about it, then so can you. No matter which one of you brings in the money.

An equal marriage is a quid pro quo marriage.

Anything else is borderline abuse or actual abuse. There should be no power struggle and he is NOT your daddy.

Wow this is a pretty stupid definition of "controlling."

Do you actually mean to say that both parties to a marriage must all do exactly the same thing? That they shouldn't do different chores or tasks based on their respective strengths and weaknesses? If I'm a great cook, and my wife is a klutz in the kitchen, we both need to cook an equal amount of meals? If she's better at child care than I am, much more efficient at those tasks, we should each do an equal amount of it?

You know the notion of tit for tat or quid pro quo is actually a very destructive concept to any relationship, and taken literally, as you and many others seem to have, the notion pretty much dooms a relationship to failure, because your unrealistic expectations will inevitably be disappointed sooner or later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my former best friends has a super controlling husband. Right after she got married he started forbidding her from seeing her friends. He slowly isolated her from everyone. It's really creepy and unfortunately we don't talk anymore except maybe once a year.

And because she's a woman, she's incapable of acting differently if she disagrees with his "control"? Wow you don't have any respect for women, do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never really thought of it, DH is pretty controlling which is weird because he's very introverted, reserved, and shy for the most part and I'm more outgoing and friendly but def have a rep for being Type A. DH controls with his moods. He's not very expressive or articulate so he just shuts down or acts petulant until I back track and walk on eggshells to figure out what's wrong with him and initiate the conversation on how to move forward. It's not yelling or screaming and of course I always have the choice to not give a shit but it's still exhausting.

This is kind of gibberish so please explain.

How do his moods "control" you? Are you actually claiming that when he gets in a "mood" and "acts petulant" that causes you to behave in an involuntary fashion?

Do you not understand (of course you don't) that your assigning the locus of control of your own completely voluntary behavior to someone who obviously has no real "control" over it--that is, to your husband--IS your problem??

You're justifying YOUR inability or lack of desire to change YOUR behavior by assigning fictitious "control" of it to your husband. Therefore, YOU never have to make changes in YOUR behavior, do you. Easy cop out for you, but doesn't solve anything.

Objectively, as the outgoing Type A it is obviously YOU who is the dominant personality in the relationship. You probably "overwhelm" him and his response is to "shut down." Yet YOU accuse him of controlling you! How ridiculous is that???

Stop trying to push him around, stop trying to dominate him, stop trying to push his buttons, stop trying to justify your aggression towards him with a breezy "Hey I'm a Type A" bullshit and face up to the fact that you are probably a harridan and he is the typical hen pecked husband and your craziness causes him to withdraw from you.

Take ownership of who you are in the relationship and YOUR responsibility for YOUR behavior.

See the thing is you won't do that because you don't want things to change. As annoying as his shutting down might be because it doesn't feed into your ego, you're still in complete control and dominate the marriage. It's just that he won't yield you COMPLETE or absolute control--he defends himself by shutting down to your tirades--and that bugs the hell out of you.

Tough shit babycakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A controlling husband is someone demanding you do things he himself would not do.

If he wants access to your email, phone, texts, Facebook, whatever, then he has to let you look at his.

If he goes to the gym, guy night out, whatever, then you have that too.

If he spends money without talking to you about it, then so can you. No matter which one of you brings in the money.

An equal marriage is a quid pro quo marriage.

Anything else is borderline abuse or actual abuse. There should be no power struggle and he is NOT your daddy.

Wow this is a pretty stupid definition of "controlling."

Do you actually mean to say that both parties to a marriage must all do exactly the same thing? That they shouldn't do different chores or tasks based on their respective strengths and weaknesses? If I'm a great cook, and my wife is a klutz in the kitchen, we both need to cook an equal amount of meals? If she's better at child care than I am, much more efficient at those tasks, we should each do an equal amount of it?

You know the notion of tit for tat or quid pro quo is actually a very destructive concept to any relationship, and taken literally, as you and many others seem to have, the notion pretty much dooms a relationship to failure, because your unrealistic expectations will inevitably be disappointed sooner or later.

Don't EVER call me stupid you fucking ugly bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People in controlling relationships often stay in those relationships because they are in denial/enabling-- so they may not be aware of it -- thinking their life is "normal" (frog in a frying pan, etc.) -- and thus not replying..... Just a hunch.

I had a friend like this, she died but had the worst husband. Major denial. She let him financially ruin them but continued to say he was a good business man. Lived above their means. He would always find a lender for these "creative" loans, and I would constantly tell her not to do it. It got so bad I told her she shouldn't sign anything with him. She wouldn't listen, and they filed for bankruptcy. They didn't understand all the ramifications and how the restructuring would work. She asked me to look up the lawyer her husband hired because he was always charging them for every little thing, and tons. I found so many liens on this nut. He also owed his psychiatrist money...omg. Thankfully they dropped the BR idea but gave this lawyer around 8 grand for nothing. I was the one that told her she signed an adjustable rate, she didn't believe it because her sneaky husband had the Quicken Loan guys come to their house with the documents, told her to initial and sign and she didn't read the whole thing. He knew she wouldn't.

However, when she brought up their house saying it was a low rate and would be fixed I offered to look it up for her online. Just as I suspected, a fixed rate that was going to go sky high. I copy and pasted it all to her. He was furious at me BUT too bad.

A controlling guy, and sneaky but she was also to blame. She would act like they had a great marriage, but I knew it was really bad.

People that stay in denial do so because it's a coping mechanism. Controlling people often pick these people for obvious reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A controlling husband is someone demanding you do things he himself would not do.

If he wants access to your email, phone, texts, Facebook, whatever, then he has to let you look at his.

If he goes to the gym, guy night out, whatever, then you have that too.

If he spends money without talking to you about it, then so can you. No matter which one of you brings in the money.

An equal marriage is a quid pro quo marriage.

Anything else is borderline abuse or actual abuse. There should be no power struggle and he is NOT your daddy.

Wow this is a pretty stupid definition of "controlling."

Do you actually mean to say that both parties to a marriage must all do exactly the same thing? That they shouldn't do different chores or tasks based on their respective strengths and weaknesses? If I'm a great cook, and my wife is a klutz in the kitchen, we both need to cook an equal amount of meals? If she's better at child care than I am, much more efficient at those tasks, we should each do an equal amount of it?

You know the notion of tit for tat or quid pro quo is actually a very destructive concept to any relationship, and taken literally, as you and many others seem to have, the notion pretty much dooms a relationship to failure, because your unrealistic expectations will inevitably be disappointed sooner or later.

Don't EVER call me stupid you fucking ugly bitch.

Bahahah! We can tell YOU'RE NOT controlling. I needed that, thanks!

[Anonymous]

Did OP just post this topic to troll any women who answered honestly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A controlling husband is someone demanding you do things he himself would not do.

If he wants access to your email, phone, texts, Facebook, whatever, then he has to let you look at his.

If he goes to the gym, guy night out, whatever, then you have that too.

If he spends money without talking to you about it, then so can you. No matter which one of you brings in the money.

An equal marriage is a quid pro quo marriage.

Anything else is borderline abuse or actual abuse. There should be no power struggle and he is NOT your daddy.

Wow this is a pretty stupid definition of "controlling."

Do you actually mean to say that both parties to a marriage must all do exactly the same thing? That they shouldn't do different chores or tasks based on their respective strengths and weaknesses? If I'm a great cook, and my wife is a klutz in the kitchen, we both need to cook an equal amount of meals? If she's better at child care than I am, much more efficient at those tasks, we should each do an equal amount of it?

You know the notion of tit for tat or quid pro quo is actually a very destructive concept to any relationship, and taken literally, as you and many others seem to have, the notion pretty much dooms a relationship to failure, because your unrealistic expectations will inevitably be disappointed sooner or later.

I took it like they said. If the guy wants a night out, then he should be ok with his wife having a night out with her friends. In short, it's equally ok for the wife to do the same behavior as the guy. If he spends an amount of money, so can she without asking.

In other words, no different set of rules for one. How it should be, what part did you miss?