Husband cheated a few years ago - I think it's happening again.

[Anonymous]

Strike "not"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These "is my husband cheating" threads make me sad. Men cheating is kind of inevitable. (lot's of women cheat too) Not to say its ok, but we need a new normal it what we can expect from lifetime monogamy.

As to OP, as someone upthread said - what do you want to do if he is cheating? Throw out the marriage? If so, then you can get to the bottom of this and walk away. If you want to keep your marriage, then decide if you want to ethically open it up or have some don't ask don't tell policy.

DH here married 18yrs. I'd never cheat. I have no desire. As a matter of fact, I'm even more attracted to my wife than I was when we first met. Sex is great, she's smart, she's successful, and she's a great mother. I won the jackpot and I'd never fuck that up.

Only a guy saying things like this makes me believe that non-cheater men do exist. I've been an OW, on AM and after years of it I could never trust a man again.

I'm the man you are responding to. I don't know what AM means, but I'm guessing Ashley Madison? The problem with your experience is that your frame of reference for what men are like is warped. The men you have surrounded yourself for years have a broken moral compass and cannot maintain a healthy relationship and you, for some reason are attracted to these broken people, who bring noting, but misery to their partners. I can only assume your self-worth is in the toilet that you have to resort to these bottom dwellers.

I also don't think men cheat more than women, Id bet it is equal. I think all of the cheaters and people like yourself who are participants are very unhappy people who have lost their way. There are lots of men out there like myself. Guys speak honestly to each other and I would say that it is abnormal to be cheating on your wife. Most men I know (and myself included) just want a stable family. I don't want the drama, why would I jeopardize the great family I have? Most of all I love and respect my wife. I'd never do something that would hurt her, if I cheated, I'd probably wear it all over my face, I wouldn't even be able to look at her.

Well, studies say up to 72% of married men will cheat at some point. So I suppose you can declare none of your friends cheat but if you have five friends the odds of that are about 1 in 1,024 that all are faithful. You can declare all cheaters are broken but if most men cheat it is, by definition, normal (not excusing the pain it causes). It's also very easy for you to cast judgment because you have a wonderful spouse and family, with love, respect, and a great sex life. I am rich, I don't understand the motivations for stuff poor people do, like smoking, eating McDonalds, having children out of wedlock or moving to the distant suburbs.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-cheating/2012/02/08/gIQANGdaBR_story.html

I am just a realist on this stuff. Infidelity is going to happen at some point. So what to do? Throw out the whole marriage if it is otherwise working? Dump your spouse and gamble the next one will be faithful? Come to an open and honest understanding? All of these questions first involve an acknowledgment that lifetime monogamy is really really hard for most people (not you, apparently, you are blessed). No easy answers.

Up to 72% means that your numbers are coming from someone who doesn't really know. Why not up to 90% or 50% instead? I work in a field involving lots of international travel. Lots of guys come out on the road and cheat…but there are guys who don't either. And the latter includes nice looking men who have had opportunities to. I'm a single woman and used to consider myself a "realist" too about infidelity. Then, I changed my circle and my expectations rose. My dad was a cheater and I know that I spent years attracted to men who were similar. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These "is my husband cheating" threads make me sad. Men cheating is kind of inevitable. (lot's of women cheat too) Not to say its ok, but we need a new normal it what we can expect from lifetime monogamy.

As to OP, as someone upthread said - what do you want to do if he is cheating? Throw out the marriage? If so, then you can get to the bottom of this and walk away. If you want to keep your marriage, then decide if you want to ethically open it up or have some don't ask don't tell policy.

DH here married 18yrs. I'd never cheat. I have no desire. As a matter of fact, I'm even more attracted to my wife than I was when we first met. Sex is great, she's smart, she's successful, and she's a great mother. I won the jackpot and I'd never fuck that up.

Only a guy saying things like this makes me believe that non-cheater men do exist. I've been an OW, on AM and after years of it I could never trust a man again.

I'm the man you are responding to. I don't know what AM means, but I'm guessing Ashley Madison? The problem with your experience is that your frame of reference for what men are like is warped. The men you have surrounded yourself for years have a broken moral compass and cannot maintain a healthy relationship and you, for some reason are attracted to these broken people, who bring noting, but misery to their partners. I can only assume your self-worth is in the toilet that you have to resort to these bottom dwellers.

I also don't think men cheat more than women, Id bet it is equal. I think all of the cheaters and people like yourself who are participants are very unhappy people who have lost their way. There are lots of men out there like myself. Guys speak honestly to each other and I would say that it is abnormal to be cheating on your wife. Most men I know (and myself included) just want a stable family. I don't want the drama, why would I jeopardize the great family I have? Most of all I love and respect my wife. I'd never do something that would hurt her, if I cheated, I'd probably wear it all over my face, I wouldn't even be able to look at her.

Well, studies say up to 72% of married men will cheat at some point. So I suppose you can declare none of your friends cheat but if you have five friends the odds of that are about 1 in 1,024 that all are faithful. You can declare all cheaters are broken but if most men cheat it is, by definition, normal (not excusing the pain it causes). It's also very easy for you to cast judgment because you have a wonderful spouse and family, with love, respect, and a great sex life. I am rich, I don't understand the motivations for stuff poor people do, like smoking, eating McDonalds, having children out of wedlock or moving to the distant suburbs.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-cheating/2012/02/08/gIQANGdaBR_story.html

I am just a realist on this stuff. Infidelity is going to happen at some point. So what to do? Throw out the whole marriage if it is otherwise working? Dump your spouse and gamble the next one will be faithful? Come to an open and honest understanding? All of these questions first involve an acknowledgment that lifetime monogamy is really really hard for most people (not you, apparently, you are blessed). No easy answers.

From this article:

Estimates today find married men cheating at rates between 25 percent and 72 percent

so I am going to say that nobody really knows how frequently men cheat. I can also tell you as a women, I'd BET MY 401K that women do NOT report honestly that they cheat. We're just not that stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These "is my husband cheating" threads make me sad. Men cheating is kind of inevitable. (lot's of women cheat too) Not to say its ok, but we need a new normal it what we can expect from lifetime monogamy.

As to OP, as someone upthread said - what do you want to do if he is cheating? Throw out the marriage? If so, then you can get to the bottom of this and walk away. If you want to keep your marriage, then decide if you want to ethically open it up or have some don't ask don't tell policy.

DH here married 18yrs. I'd never cheat. I have no desire. As a matter of fact, I'm even more attracted to my wife than I was when we first met. Sex is great, she's smart, she's successful, and she's a great mother. I won the jackpot and I'd never fuck that up.

Only a guy saying things like this makes me believe that non-cheater men do exist. I've been an OW, on AM and after years of it I could never trust a man again.

I'm the man you are responding to. I don't know what AM means, but I'm guessing Ashley Madison? The problem with your experience is that your frame of reference for what men are like is warped. The men you have surrounded yourself for years have a broken moral compass and cannot maintain a healthy relationship and you, for some reason are attracted to these broken people, who bring noting, but misery to their partners. I can only assume your self-worth is in the toilet that you have to resort to these bottom dwellers.

I also don't think men cheat more than women, Id bet it is equal. I think all of the cheaters and people like yourself who are participants are very unhappy people who have lost their way. There are lots of men out there like myself. Guys speak honestly to each other and I would say that it is abnormal to be cheating on your wife. Most men I know (and myself included) just want a stable family. I don't want the drama, why would I jeopardize the great family I have? Most of all I love and respect my wife. I'd never do something that would hurt her, if I cheated, I'd probably wear it all over my face, I wouldn't even be able to look at her.

Well, studies say up to 72% of married men will cheat at some point. So I suppose you can declare none of your friends cheat but if you have five friends the odds of that are about 1 in 1,024 that all are faithful. You can declare all cheaters are broken but if most men cheat it is, by definition, normal (not excusing the pain it causes). It's also very easy for you to cast judgment because you have a wonderful spouse and family, with love, respect, and a great sex life. I am rich, I don't understand the motivations for stuff poor people do, like smoking, eating McDonalds, having children out of wedlock or moving to the distant suburbs.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-cheating/2012/02/08/gIQANGdaBR_story.html

I am just a realist on this stuff. Infidelity is going to happen at some point. So what to do? Throw out the whole marriage if it is otherwise working? Dump your spouse and gamble the next one will be faithful? Come to an open and honest understanding? All of these questions first involve an acknowledgment that lifetime monogamy is really really hard for most people (not you, apparently, you are blessed). No easy answers.

Up to 72% means that your numbers are coming from someone who doesn't really know. Why not up to 90% or 50% instead? I work in a field involving lots of international travel. Lots of guys come out on the road and cheat…but there are guys who don't either. And the latter includes nice looking men who have had opportunities to. I'm a single woman and used to consider myself a "realist" too about infidelity. Then, I changed my circle and my expectations rose. My dad was a cheater and I know that I spent years attracted to men who were similar. Just saying.

BINGO. I travel a lot for work and have seen it all.

I find that cheaters run in groups. The same guys on travel hang out together, get hookers, go to strip clubs, pick up women at the bars. Those guys stick out, but most of the time, the good men steer clear of those types of guys. They go back to their room, will talk about their families, show off pictures of videos of their kids. Can be overheard at dinner "just checking in". I don't think the majority of men cheat at all and I think it has nothing to down to the way they look or if they are passive or not, but it boils down to character. I run our ethics and compliance department (so let me TELL you I hear all about the hookers and strippers) and I would say that the same men who are prone to cheat on their wives are also prone to make unethical or illegal decisions at work. Poor character is a big driver for these types of people. Not how they look or if they are passive or not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry but yes, your gut is right. Listen to it, especially since he's acting the way he is and he's proven himself already to be dishonest and a cheater.

Once someone cheats, if they want their partner to stick around, it's on the cheater to prove they're trustworthy, which means any time their partner has a question, they have to answer it. They should be transparent, willing to show all texts, emails, etc. They lost the right to be treated as trustworthy people.

Since your husband didn't tell you the whole story about the past infidelity that you know about, and he's putting on the angry/silent treatment act when you ask him about his actions now, you have your answer. He can't act trustworthy and is being hurtful and manipulative in covering up whatever he's doing. That shows you a lot about how selfishly he's still viewing your feelings and what he thinks is okay for him to do.

If it ever comes out that my spouse has cheated a second time, or if he ever acts in ways that show he's trying to hide anything or isn't considering my feelings regarding the issues, which are a direct consequence of his behavior, I will be done with him. Because there are kids and a big investment in our family and love, he got his second chance. I would consider we would be back to zero again, and figure out what I want to do from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry but yes, your gut is right. Listen to it, especially since he's acting the way he is and he's proven himself already to be dishonest and a cheater.

Once someone cheats, if they want their partner to stick around, it's on the cheater to prove they're trustworthy, which means any time their partner has a question, they have to answer it. They should be transparent, willing to show all texts, emails, etc. They lost the right to be treated as trustworthy people.

Since your husband didn't tell you the whole story about the past infidelity that you know about, and he's putting on the angry/silent treatment act when you ask him about his actions now, you have your answer. He can't act trustworthy and is being hurtful and manipulative in covering up whatever he's doing. That shows you a lot about how selfishly he's still viewing your feelings and what he thinks is okay for him to do.

If it ever comes out that my spouse has cheated a second time, or if he ever acts in ways that show he's trying to hide anything or isn't considering my feelings regarding the issues, which are a direct consequence of his behavior, I will be done with him. Because there are kids and a big investment in our family and love, he got his second chance. I would consider we would be back to zero again, and figure out what I want to do from there.

The 2nd time you leave, there's no figuring. If you stay you've become a co-dependent in an abusive marriage. Yes cheating is abusive. Get your ducks in a row, and leave the loser.
The fact he got mad at her is part of the pattern of abuse to cover up his lies. He sounds like a creep and I'll bet he is secretive in many ways. Most cheaters are not a open book. All red flags.

[Anonymous]

I got reamed by a few women for telling them ALL women should check on their mate from time to time. Same with men. If you have nothing to hide you don't care. With all the technology cheating shouldn't go on too long. Why on earth would you want to waste decades on a cheater. My one friend was being cheated on, finally caught him using my suggestion.

Someone that cheats is not someone you really want to stay with. They don't have the same moral compass or foundation. You can't change that.

[Anonymous]

Since he's so evasive about his past affair, and you suspect he's cheating again, he's probably still seeing the first girl.

[Amaze0707]

I certainly understand your concerns, OP. However, since you have no solid evidence to prove that he’s having an affair, it might be best that you take the help of a marriage counselor. A third-party person with an expert opinion can be very helpful especially like the situation you are facing. Praying for you and your husband!

[Anonymous]

He's probably cheating. However you can not trust him based on the past.

[Anonymous]

He's having an affair. (From a guy who has had them.)

[Anonymous]

Always sad when women are stuck with creeps and losers. I don't know if your problem is the income, insurance and you have to stay for those reasons. All I can suggest is you leave the marriage emotionally and find your own happiness. Stop worrying about what he is doing, he's cheated is cheating and you know. If you won't divorce move on somehow. Maybe you'll find someone. I wouldn't consider him a spouse no matter what. I certainly would stop having sex with him whatever you choose to do. Not worth compromising your health over.
Honestly, at this point you are wasting oxygen on this moron.

[Anonymous]

You should read and post your story to survivinginfidelity.com.

You don't even have clear answers to what happened for 1-3 years. If he was remorseful, he would give you answers to everything you want to know. Someone who has cheated that long has close to 0% chance of changing their behavior.

And he still hasn't even come clean about that. Now he's manipulating you. That's not even including what's going on now, which he seems to clearly be cheating.

Definitely do some reading on that website and you should definition dump this loser. Please don't waste anymore time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For heaven's sake, once he cheated he ok'd you to check up on him and be accountable. You should have been spot checking him monthly since the cheating. It sickens me that anyone would throw 17 years away for a hole in a mattress, and many with kids.

I would get to the bottom of it, not say a word then have TORTUOUS fun with the cheaters. I posted this on the other forum about cheaters, so I will again. I would pretend to get hang up calls, and tell him how weird it is. (he will think SHE is doing it) Wait a few weeks or month, and send yourself some sexy thongs in the mail..anonymous of course. Ask your husband if he did that, he will freak really thinking the MISTRESS is messing with his life.

DON'T LET ON YOU KNOW HE IS CHEATING. Many are stupid and do this, act SUPER nice during this period.

Please let us know what you find out, don't wait follow him...get a gps for his car etc. Just get the info.

NP here. I would love to do this, but if I did, dh would immediately check the phone for recent calls to get to the bottom of it. Any other ideas for tortuous fun? Would love to hear them! My dh is very techie so I fear that he'd know if I checked his phone, ipad, computer, etc.

To OP, so sorry you are going through this. It absolutely sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to hear it from somewhere else - other than my inner voice.

Married seventeen years. Husband cheated - an affair that lasted 1-3 years - I still can't get clear answers about it. This was four years ago. I think he's lying again. I saw a woman's email "[e-mail]" come up in his contacts for the last year. He says this is a guy who is trying to be discrete about business transactions by using the name of someone else, a woman.

I'm not buying it. I saw bits of a few texts and emails. The emails are about business. However, there are sign offs like "love ya!" "Drive safe!" "Be careful in this weather" and emails are signed with this woman's name at the end. These things sound feminine to me.

He was out until 11 PM last night at a dinner meeting ..... With this guy. The thing is, the guy exists and really is a business associate.

I told him that I don't believe him, and he screamed at me and is now giving me the silent treatment.

Does any of this sound remotely plausible to anyone here?

Is this how he reacts when you confront him about other things?