Husband cheated a few years ago - I think it's happening again.

[Anonymous]

I need to hear it from somewhere else - other than my inner voice.

Married seventeen years. Husband cheated - an affair that lasted 1-3 years - I still can't get clear answers about it. This was four years ago. I think he's lying again. I saw a woman's email "[e-mail]" come up in his contacts for the last year. He says this is a guy who is trying to be discrete about business transactions by using the name of someone else, a woman.

I'm not buying it. I saw bits of a few texts and emails. The emails are about business. However, there are sign offs like "love ya!" "Drive safe!" "Be careful in this weather" and emails are signed with this woman's name at the end. These things sound feminine to me.

He was out until 11 PM last night at a dinner meeting ..... With this guy. The thing is, the guy exists and really is a business associate.

I told him that I don't believe him, and he screamed at me and is now giving me the silent treatment.

Does any of this sound remotely plausible to anyone here?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it matters whether or not he is. It sounds to me like your marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

No it doesn't. But keep watching and collecting information. Think about what you want to do if he is cheating again. Have a plan of action before you say anything to him again.

If you decide you can't stay married - start preparing.

[Anonymous]

Don't confront him. Drop it for now. Gather evidence. Now you've tipped him off that you know and he'll get better at hiding it. Take screenshots if you can. Sounds very suspicious.

What do you want out of it? Do you want to stay with him or leave? If you would leave then you need to gather evidence now.

[Anonymous]

If you believe those emails are NOT from a woman, you're truly delusional. He is cheating.

[Anonymous]

These "is my husband cheating" threads make me sad. Men cheating is kind of inevitable. (lot's of women cheat too) Not to say its ok, but we need a new normal it what we can expect from lifetime monogamy.

As to OP, as someone upthread said - what do you want to do if he is cheating? Throw out the marriage? If so, then you can get to the bottom of this and walk away. If you want to keep your marriage, then decide if you want to ethically open it up or have some don't ask don't tell policy.

[Anonymous]

How does he explain the "love ya" comment?

It does smell fishy, OP. The worst part is that he's making YOU feel bad about it. That's manipulative. If he really wanted to clear his name, he would invite you to read all his emails, all his texts, go to the office, meet that person, etc. He doesn't sound like a good person. So sorry.

[Anonymous]

Difficult situation but just fall back speaking from a man perspective we usually slip up somehow. The truth will come out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to hear it from somewhere else - other than my inner voice.

Married seventeen years. Husband cheated - an affair that lasted 1-3 years - I still can't get clear answers about it. This was four years ago. I think he's lying again. I saw a woman's email "[e-mail]" come up in his contacts for the last year. He says this is a guy who is trying to be discrete about business transactions by using the name of someone else, a woman.

I'm not buying it. I saw bits of a few texts and emails. The emails are about business. However, there are sign offs like "love ya!" "Drive safe!" "Be careful in this weather" and emails are signed with this woman's name at the end. These things sound feminine to me.

He was out until 11 PM last night at a dinner meeting ..... With this guy. The thing is, the guy exists and really is a business associate.

I told him that I don't believe him, and he screamed at me and is now giving me the silent treatment.

Does any of this sound remotely plausible to anyone here?

Did you google the email address?

FWIW some of my DHs bros end emails with "Luv ya bro".

[Anonymous]

If I were you OP, I would hire a PI and settle this issue once for all.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if I'm reading the post correctly, but it reads like your husband has never been clear about the past affair. That would be a huge problem for me. Did he take responsibility for it, or did you guys just move on without introspection?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These "is my husband cheating" threads make me sad. Men cheating is kind of inevitable. (lot's of women cheat too) Not to say its ok, but we need a new normal it what we can expect from lifetime monogamy.

As to OP, as someone upthread said - what do you want to do if he is cheating? Throw out the marriage? If so, then you can get to the bottom of this and walk away. If you want to keep your marriage, then decide if you want to ethically open it up or have some don't ask don't tell policy.

She already told him it was ok to cheat. When you stay with a cheater you've only showed them you will accept it. Do you really think a cheater is sorry, or sorry they got caught. She won't leave probably because of finances and security like many women.

Of course he's cheating, you saw the email. I will also bet he's cheated here and there since the first time. Who is having dinner until 11:00 at night? Why didn't you get the name of the restaurant, and go with him. These are so obvious. After he cheated the first time you should have made random checks on him. No you don't need a PI, waste of money. You or a friend follow him from work, or if he is going out at night without you....find out where and who he is with visually. Don't say any more because now he knows you are on to him, and will try harder NOT to get caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These "is my husband cheating" threads make me sad. Men cheating is kind of inevitable. (lot's of women cheat too) Not to say its ok, but we need a new normal it what we can expect from lifetime monogamy.

As to OP, as someone upthread said - what do you want to do if he is cheating? Throw out the marriage? If so, then you can get to the bottom of this and walk away. If you want to keep your marriage, then decide if you want to ethically open it up or have some don't ask don't tell policy.

"Men cheating is kind of inevitable"

yah need jesus

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if I'm reading the post correctly, but it reads like your husband has never been clear about the past affair. That would be a huge problem for me. Did he take responsibility for it, or did you guys just move on without introspection?

It's never cleared. I've never known anyone get past it, the marriage will never be the same. Of course a guy will say anything and what you want to hear is pretty much what you are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to hear it from somewhere else - other than my inner voice.

Married seventeen years. Husband cheated - an affair that lasted 1-3 years - I still can't get clear answers about it. This was four years ago. I think he's lying again. I saw a woman's email "[e-mail]" come up in his contacts for the last year. He says this is a guy who is trying to be discrete about business transactions by using the name of someone else, a woman.

I'm not buying it. I saw bits of a few texts and emails. The emails are about business. However, there are sign offs like "love ya!" "Drive safe!" "Be careful in this weather" and emails are signed with this woman's name at the end. These things sound feminine to me.

He was out until 11 PM last night at a dinner meeting ..... With this guy. The thing is, the guy exists and really is a business associate.

I told him that I don't believe him, and he screamed at me and is now giving me the silent treatment.

Does any of this sound remotely plausible to anyone here?

He is gaslighting you.

If you cannot get clear answers about what he did four years ago, then you cannot build/rebuild trust. Rebuilding trust is on him, not you.

I'm sorry, OP. That sucks. He sucks.