Reply to Husband cheated a few years ago - I think it's happening again.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]These "is my husband cheating" threads make me sad.  Men cheating is kind of inevitable.  (lot's of women cheat too) Not to say its ok, but we need a new normal it what we can expect from lifetime monogamy.

As to OP, as someone upthread said - what do you want to do if he is cheating?  Throw out the marriage?  If so, then you can get to the bottom of this and walk away.  If you want to keep your marriage, then decide if you want to ethically open it up or have some don't ask don't tell policy.[/quote]

DH here married 18yrs.  I'd never cheat. I have no desire. As a matter of fact, I'm even more attracted to my wife than I was when we first met. Sex is great, she's smart, she's successful, and she's a great mother. I won the jackpot and I'd never fuck that up.[/quote]

Only a guy saying things like this makes me believe that non-cheater men do exist. I've been an OW, on AM and after years of it I could never trust a man again. [/quote]

I'm the man  you are responding to. I don't know what AM means, but I'm guessing Ashley Madison? The problem with your experience is that your frame of reference for what men are like is warped. The men you have surrounded yourself for years have a broken moral compass and cannot maintain a healthy relationship and you, for some reason are attracted to these broken people, who bring noting, but misery to their partners. I can only assume your self-worth is in the toilet that you have to resort to these bottom dwellers.

I also don't think men cheat more than women, Id bet it is equal.  I think all of the cheaters and people like yourself who are participants are very unhappy people who have lost their way. There are lots of men out there like myself. Guys speak honestly to each other and I would say that it is abnormal to be cheating on your wife. Most men I know (and myself included) just want a stable family. I don't want the drama, why would I jeopardize the great family I have? Most of all I love and respect my wife. I'd never do something that would hurt her, if I cheated, I'd probably wear it all over my face, I wouldn't even be able to look at her.[/quote]

Well, studies say up to 72% of married men will cheat at some point.  So I suppose you can declare none of your friends cheat but if you have five friends the odds of that are about 1 in 1,024 that all are faithful.  You can declare all cheaters are broken but if most men cheat it is, by definition, normal (not excusing the pain it causes).  It's also very easy for you to cast judgment because you have a wonderful spouse and family, with love, respect, and a great sex life.  I am rich, I don't understand the motivations for stuff poor people do, like smoking, eating McDonalds, having children out of wedlock or moving to the distant suburbs.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-cheating/2012/02/08/gIQANGdaBR_story.html

I am just a realist on this stuff.  Infidelity is going to happen at some point.  So what to do?  Throw out the whole marriage if it is otherwise working?  Dump your spouse and gamble the next one will be faithful?  Come to an open and honest understanding?  All of these questions first involve an acknowledgment that lifetime monogamy is really really hard for most people (not you, apparently, you are blessed).   No easy answers.   [/quote]

Up to 72% means that your numbers are coming from someone who doesn't really know. Why not up to 90% or 50% instead? I work in a field involving lots of international travel. Lots of guys come out on the road and cheat…but there are guys who don't either. And the latter includes nice looking men who have had opportunities to. I'm a single woman and used to consider myself a "realist" too about infidelity. Then, I changed my circle and my expectations rose. My dad was a cheater and I know that I spent years attracted to men who were similar. Just saying.[/quote]

BINGO. I travel a lot for work and have seen it all.

I find that cheaters run in groups. The same guys on travel hang out together, get hookers, go to strip clubs, pick up women at the bars. Those guys stick out, but most of the time, the good men steer clear of those types of guys. They go back to their room, will talk about their families, show off pictures of videos of their kids. Can be overheard at dinner "just checking in".  I don't think the majority of men cheat at all and I think it has nothing to down to the way they look or if they are passive or not, but it boils down to character. I run our ethics and compliance department (so let me TELL  you I hear all about the hookers and strippers) and I would say that the same men who are prone to cheat on their wives are also prone to make unethical or illegal decisions at work. Poor character is a big driver for these types of people. Not how they look or if they are passive or not.[/quote]

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