When Spouses Don't Handle Their Parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't agree with the standard advice that each spouse should handle his & her family's craziness. Ideally, yes, we should. But if we were raised by these people with this form of crazy, then we're in it - we can't see it clearly for it is, and we have deeply entrenched habits. It's not as simple as deciding "hey, I'm going to put my spouse and children first!" If only it were that easy.

Further, the people with these unhealthy dynamics are often relying on the life-long relationship and love from their child to get away with this stuff. When I say no to the ILs, they respect it and accept it much more quickly than when DH says no. He can say "no" a dozen times and his mother will keep pestering him. Could he cut her off to force the boundary issue? Sure, but is that really the ideal solution here? We don't think so. I step in and say "thanks so much for your thoughtfulness, but that doesn't work for our family" and that's the end of it. She drops it, because she knows that I don't do this endless badgering thing - and I call it what it is, and that's harassment. Her son would never dare describe her behavior as harassment, even when he does feel harassed.

With my parents, we have a problem with direct communication - DH walks in, is super direct, and just point blank asks my siblings what they want, and he takes them at their word, rather than trying to read between the lines. So my family knows there's no subtle 2nd & 3rd meanings with my husband - say what you mean when you have the chance.

Anyway, we've found that we each can bring a new, somewhat healthier dynamic to the IL relationship so we don't opt out and just say "oh, that's your family, your problem."

+1 I think you need to establish your OWN relationship with your in-laws. Cut your DH out and convey them your decisions yourself. I never deal with my in-laws through DH, I deal directly and we have a pretty mature relationship. The examples given are not too bad and if you work on building your own relationship, they can be fairly easy to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what I understand is why you are unable or unwilling to lay it out for your MIL the same way you explained it to us. Apparently, MIL does not get the hint. So tell her in plain English. She'll probably blow a gasket, at which point you can tell DH to go and handle his mother. It will be an unpleasant confrontation, but there is no other way you can stop being annoyed and resenting your in-laws and DH. I don't think your examples are horrible, and I do think MIL means well. However, if you are not willing to tolerate this, you should put a stop to this. Call her out. Respectfully and politely. Kids will get it.

I'm plenty willing and able, but have refrained because DH has told me that it's somewhat of a deal breaker if I do speak up. Again, that's where the frustration comes in. DH basically expects me to deal with whatever they do or say.

It's a deal breaker? If you tell your MIL "the children's medicine is very important for their health. Please don't refer to it as poison in front of them. I'm happy to talk to you about it privately," your husband would consider divorce?

Is that what he's saying? If so, that's crazy.

[Anonymous]

Was he abused?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't agree with the standard advice that each spouse should handle his & her family's craziness. Ideally, yes, we should. But if we were raised by these people with this form of crazy, then we're in it - we can't see it clearly for it is, and we have deeply entrenched habits. It's not as simple as deciding "hey, I'm going to put my spouse and children first!" If only it were that easy.

Further, the people with these unhealthy dynamics are often relying on the life-long relationship and love from their child to get away with this stuff. When I say no to the ILs, they respect it and accept it much more quickly than when DH says no. He can say "no" a dozen times and his mother will keep pestering him. Could he cut her off to force the boundary issue? Sure, but is that really the ideal solution here? We don't think so. I step in and say "thanks so much for your thoughtfulness, but that doesn't work for our family" and that's the end of it. She drops it, because she knows that I don't do this endless badgering thing - and I call it what it is, and that's harassment. Her son would never dare describe her behavior as harassment, even when he does feel harassed.

With my parents, we have a problem with direct communication - DH walks in, is super direct, and just point blank asks my siblings what they want, and he takes them at their word, rather than trying to read between the lines. So my family knows there's no subtle 2nd & 3rd meanings with my husband - say what you mean when you have the chance.

Anyway, we've found that we each can bring a new, somewhat healthier dynamic to the IL relationship so we don't opt out and just say "oh, that's your family, your problem."

+1 I think you need to establish your OWN relationship with your in-laws. Cut your DH out and convey them your decisions yourself. I never deal with my in-laws through DH, I deal directly and we have a pretty mature relationship. The examples given are not too bad and if you work on building your own relationship, they can be fairly easy to deal with.

+1

Or not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get where you are coming from and why you are annoyed. Sure there are worse in-laws, but that doesn't mean you should just suck it up and deal with your unpleasant situation.

To me, the biggest issue is the medical one. I was diagnosed with UC at 17, and mostly only dealing with it as an adult I still find the much less onerous than Crohn's treatments annoying and difficult to deal with. Undermining the lifetime of treatments your kids have ahead of them is terrible...and not okay.

But honestly, and since you've been in counseling you know this, you've got a DH problem and not an IL problem. It's a little extreme maybe, but I would simply refuse to engage with them until DH steps up. No visits, no trips, no holidays etc. That might turn into a fight between you and DH, but honestly this situation is already a fight between you two...just one that's currently seething under the surface. You say he gets what's going on in his head, but it doesn't sound like it...because if he does, then he also seems to be pretty comfortable having his wife be fairly unhappy, which is a different problem altogether.

And I'm super close to my grandparents. If my ILs had tried to show up for a celebration while I was morning my grandfather, I would not have spoken to them (probably couldn't have). That's terrible...what is wrong with your ILs?!

[Anonymous]

If your DH nags you about holiday plans, just pick a date by which the decision will be made and tell him not to keep asking you. If he won't push back in his mother, the solution is not that he should keep nagging you. Offer to tell her that you won't really know until [x date].


The counselor suggested a "hard" date to make holiday decisions by, which we agreed on (a month before said holiday). Then, DH started asking me well before that date. When I reminded him about the date we agreed on, he said that he didn't understand why we just couldn't make a decision then. It MIGHT be ok to decide about the holiday well in advance, but then we're expected to commit to a time, what we're bringing, etc. It's just never enough. Anyway, I'm generally just trying to keep up with what's going on in the next week or month, much less what's happening in four, five, or six months. I've hosted plenty of holidays and get that it's helpful and courteous to let people know if you're coming so the requisite plans can be made, but it's just hard for me to commit to plans with anyone that far in advance. People don't even need that much lead time when you RSVP to a wedding! I think is a good example of why I'm feeling so frustrated-many of the the logical solutions haven't worked so far.

When he does this, you need to take it back to counseling. The holiday isn't the issue, it's that your DH agreed to something in counseling and then backpedaled. That backpedaling undermines the integrity of your relationship. Sounds dramatic, I know, but it does. It's too big of an issue for you to work out on your own so take it back to the counselor. When my DH and I were having these sorts of problems, I'd just tell him that any changes to what we agreed upon had to be worked out in counseling - and that I needed to understand (with a neutral party) what lead him to change his mind about the agreement.

I hope the counselor is also helping you with language to use when you're nagged for a response. You don't need to say "I'm sorry......" but you need to use concise, neutral sentences. "We'll make a decision by March 1 about Easter" and then repeat, repeat, repeat.

[Anonymous]

Well, actually your husband did the same thing he does with his parents with you. He told you what you wanted to hear about the therapy and how it helped. He tells his parents what they want to hear.

Therapy did not help him. Find a new therapist.

You need to pick your battles: some of what you described is not horrible and some are big. Obviously the medical one and your children is a big deal -- that's one where you need to take a stand. But the picking a holiday 6 months out? That's not so big. You can manage that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If politely but firmly communicating with his family when he fails to do so is a deal breaker, break the deal.

Agree. He's being unreasonable, and he's putting Not Rocking the Boat With His Parents ahead of you. If he thinks he's going to find a marshmallow who lets his parents do whatever they want, good luck to him!

[Anonymous]

They sound awful. I can't understand how this is not that bad.

Setting up a vacation and telling people they're going rather than asking? No. We can tell babies what our plans are. We ASK adults whether they would like to make plans.

Your mother in law sounds controlling. Just draw a line with her: we will never agree to plans that you made without asking us. Full stop. And that includes my kids. You don't just lose me when you plan without me; you're not making plans for your grandchildren either. Full. Freaking. Stop.

And your husband needs to start putting your first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I read the posts in this forum, it often comes up that if there are in-law issues, a spouse should "handle" his or her parents. What about when a spouse doesn't and won't handle his or her parents? My DH is terrible at handling his parents, to the point where they just do whatever and the kids and I are expected to just deal with whatever they do. We've been to counseling about this issue and DH says he gets it, but nothing changes. DH reverts back to the "they mean well" or "it's not that big a deal" or whatever the excuse of the day is for the in-laws. Basically, the idea is not to ever talk about anything or rock any boat. It's very frustrating.

Same here. He doesn't like how his parents behave as houseguests but won't speak to them about it. It's been over 5 years of it. He's embarrassed but too scared to correct the bad pattern that has emerged. They just have such poor communication and then he rationalizes and says "they flew here 5 hours" or "they're family." The kids and I get the short end of the stick (and both of our jobs) but DH just keeps bending over backwards and opening his pocketbook for them each and every time.

I'm trying to raise my kids with better verbal communication skills. In my book, besides you spouse, if you can't tell your family (parents) something, who can you tell?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your husband think it's ok to consistently put his parents ahead of you? Ask him this point-blank.

What kinds of things are we talking about?

My DH would storm off if asked this question or try to gas-light me and tell me how mean I am to speak of his parents like that. then storm off upstairs like a big baby.

The other question he refuses to answer is "Is this how you will treat our daughters when they are married with a young family?" The cognitive dissonance just suffocates him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If politely but firmly communicating with his family when he fails to do so is a deal breaker, break the deal.

Ugh. I feel the same way. OP, your DH's expectations are unreasonable, and if he really feels this way, then he's making a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't agree with the standard advice that each spouse should handle his & her family's craziness. Ideally, yes, we should. But if we were raised by these people with this form of crazy, then we're in it - we can't see it clearly for it is, and we have deeply entrenched habits. It's not as simple as deciding "hey, I'm going to put my spouse and children first!" If only it were that easy.

Further, the people with these unhealthy dynamics are often relying on the life-long relationship and love from their child to get away with this stuff. When I say no to the ILs, they respect it and accept it much more quickly than when DH says no. He can say "no" a dozen times and his mother will keep pestering him. Could he cut her off to force the boundary issue? Sure, but is that really the ideal solution here? We don't think so. I step in and say "thanks so much for your thoughtfulness, but that doesn't work for our family" and that's the end of it. She drops it, because she knows that I don't do this endless badgering thing - and I call it what it is, and that's harassment. Her son would never dare describe her behavior as harassment, even when he does feel harassed.

With my parents, we have a problem with direct communication - DH walks in, is super direct, and just point blank asks my siblings what they want, and he takes them at their word, rather than trying to read between the lines. So my family knows there's no subtle 2nd & 3rd meanings with my husband - say what you mean when you have the chance.

Anyway, we've found that we each can bring a new, somewhat healthier dynamic to the IL relationship so we don't opt out and just say "oh, that's your family, your problem."

This is so functional! Thinking about my own family dynamics, I think we've found a similar balance. My DH is very thoughtful when it comes to thinking about the feelings of others and is an excellent listener. He often counsels me in dealing with my own parents, whereas, I tend to be far less patient with them. On the other hand, he struggles with being straightforward with his parents--even when they overstep boundaries. I have no trouble taking a straightforward and honest approach, so in the event that he struggles, I am comfortable either speaking up myself or encouraging him to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asks literally six months in advance if we're celebrating a particular holiday with them. DH expects me to decide our holiday plans at that time because she will continue to ask him every week until he answers.

Oh my. THIS!

We are TTC. I have no idea what the situation will be like in December. It's February!! I am not making any plans eleven months out.
I might be pregnant, we might have a newborn, we might be in the middle of a blizzard (it's a two hour drive). Can we just please decide that in October?

"But we WERE with your parents last year. This year is my mom's turn."
Yes. Yes, I know.
"And you know. My dad is dead."
Yes. Yes, I know. He died ten years ago. She needs to move on. "My husband is dead" is a great way to get your kids to do what you want them to do.

[Anonymous]

As someone with severe Crohn's disease, I have many people that I'm close to tell me that the medication that I take is poison and I just need to change my diet to X, Y, or Z (and I'm a pretty healthy eater of normal weight!). For some reason, this disease is really misunderstood and lots of people feel free to give me their recommendations. Your kids will need to figure out to handle this often well-meaning, but entirely misplaced intervention -- and the sooner the better. It is unfortunate that your MIL is choosing to voice her opinion over this but in my experience, she won't be the only one.