When Spouses Don't Handle Their Parents

[Anonymous]

When I read the posts in this forum, it often comes up that if there are in-law issues, a spouse should "handle" his or her parents. What about when a spouse doesn't and won't handle his or her parents? My DH is terrible at handling his parents, to the point where they just do whatever and the kids and I are expected to just deal with whatever they do. We've been to counseling about this issue and DH says he gets it, but nothing changes. DH reverts back to the "they mean well" or "it's not that big a deal" or whatever the excuse of the day is for the in-laws. Basically, the idea is not to ever talk about anything or rock any boat. It's very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Why does your husband think it's ok to consistently put his parents ahead of you? Ask him this point-blank.

What kinds of things are we talking about?

[Anonymous]

In my DH's case, DH was abused. They won't talk about it. The dynamics will never change. I handle his parents. They are not nice people.

[Anonymous]

My parent in laws died. I feel absolutely awful saying it, but it was kind of a relief once everything was settled and the grief was over.

Still one sibling and their family to deal with but that is a little easier since we are more of peers.

So... wait it out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parent in laws died. I feel absolutely awful saying it, but it was kind of a relief once everything was settled and the grief was over.

Still one sibling and their family to deal with but that is a little easier since we are more of peers.

So... wait it out?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does your husband think it's ok to consistently put his parents ahead of you? Ask him this point-blank.

What kinds of things are we talking about?

I have asked him this over and over; as has a counselor. He seems to understand "intellectually" what he's doing, but then can't execute on doing anything about it.

The things range from little things to bigger things. I don't think the ILs are evil, but generally thoughtless and if DH had just spoken up in the beginning (and not in a mean or loud way), I think things would be much better. To make matters worse, when I've asked if I can speak up for myself and the kids, he prefers that I don't. Personally, I think it's even unfair to my ILs for DH not to tell them nicely, but directly, about expectations.

Here are some random examples:

Planned a camping weekend for the family without asking us first if we'd like to go. She told us that she'd like us to all be together (again, nice sentiment), but that "if she was paying, she was picking." We've never asked her to ever pay for our vacation or anything else for that matter. Emailed the list of things we were to bring and cook. I don't camp, so I had no intention of going. She also planned a "girls' shopping day" in Gettysburg near the campground for my mother (who lives 2 hours from Gettysburg), SIL, herself, and me. My mother never even knew about the shopping day and I wasn't camping, so I definitely wasn't driving to Gettysburg to shop. She was "shocked" when DH finally had to tell her neither my mother nor I were going.

My grandmother died and the services were the weekend of my birthday. MIL called and announced that she and FIL were coming over with BIL and SIL to celebrate my birthday. That's a nice sentiment, but I wasn't at all up for any celebration at all. DH couldn't tell her no, so they all came over.

ILs take kids out for Christmas presents in late October or November (we all live in the same general area, so it isn't as if we won't see them nearer to the holiday); brings the kids home and asks in front of me if it's ok that they have all the gifts then. Sometimes, what they buy (even if I try to give parameters), are special things I've already bought or are planning to get from Santa.

Asks literally six months in advance if we're celebrating a particular holiday with them. DH expects me to decide our holiday plans at that time because she will continue to ask him every week until he answers.

Promises kids they'll take them somewhere or do something with them and then back out at the last minute and don't give a reason.

Two of my kids have Crohn's disease and MIL gives them diet "advice" and asks in front of them if we can stop with their infusions since so much "medication is like poison." I don't want to be disrespectful or have my kids be disrespectful, but at the same time, the "advice" is complete crap, so I'm in the position to try to explain that grandma doesn't know what she's talking about.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you need to do more behind the scenes work. Why don't you know your holiday plans 6 months ahead of time? That's not that unusual.

Don't allow Christmas presents to be opened before Christmas morning. Say it's your tradition. Why does your dH need to tell them this?

It really sounds like your DH doesn't like the way YOU do things. He likes his family and wants to go on trips with them and have them over for dinner. He thinks you're the problem and doesn't know how to tell you. He's trying to tell you from his actions that he doesn't agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Based on the examples you have given, I think you need to return to a counselor with your DH and tell him that these things need to stop. Your preference would be that he do it, and you will give him X amount of time to do so. After that, you will calmly but politely say the things that need to be said to them. You understand that he would prefer that you not, but in cases where you or your children's mental/physical health is concerned, you can't let it go on. So you ARE GIVING HIM THE DECISION as to whether he will do it or you will, but one of those things must happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does your husband think it's ok to consistently put his parents ahead of you? Ask him this point-blank.

What kinds of things are we talking about?

I have asked him this over and over; as has a counselor. He seems to understand "intellectually" what he's doing, but then can't execute on doing anything about it.

The things range from little things to bigger things. I don't think the ILs are evil, but generally thoughtless and if DH had just spoken up in the beginning (and not in a mean or loud way), I think things would be much better. To make matters worse, when I've asked if I can speak up for myself and the kids, he prefers that I don't. Personally, I think it's even unfair to my ILs for DH not to tell them nicely, but directly, about expectations.

Here are some random examples:

Planned a camping weekend for the family without asking us first if we'd like to go. She told us that she'd like us to all be together (again, nice sentiment), but that "if she was paying, she was picking." We've never asked her to ever pay for our vacation or anything else for that matter. Emailed the list of things we were to bring and cook. I don't camp, so I had no intention of going. She also planned a "girls' shopping day" in Gettysburg near the campground for my mother (who lives 2 hours from Gettysburg), SIL, herself, and me. My mother never even knew about the shopping day and I wasn't camping, so I definitely wasn't driving to Gettysburg to shop. She was "shocked" when DH finally had to tell her neither my mother nor I were going.

My grandmother died and the services were the weekend of my birthday. MIL called and announced that she and FIL were coming over with BIL and SIL to celebrate my birthday. That's a nice sentiment, but I wasn't at all up for any celebration at all. DH couldn't tell her no, so they all came over.

ILs take kids out for Christmas presents in late October or November (we all live in the same general area, so it isn't as if we won't see them nearer to the holiday); brings the kids home and asks in front of me if it's ok that they have all the gifts then. Sometimes, what they buy (even if I try to give parameters), are special things I've already bought or are planning to get from Santa.

Asks literally six months in advance if we're celebrating a particular holiday with them. DH expects me to decide our holiday plans at that time because she will continue to ask him every week until he answers.

Promises kids they'll take them somewhere or do something with them and then back out at the last minute and don't give a reason.

Two of my kids have Crohn's disease and MIL gives them diet "advice" and asks in front of them if we can stop with their infusions since so much "medication is like poison." I don't want to be disrespectful or have my kids be disrespectful, but at the same time, the "advice" is complete crap, so I'm in the position to try to explain that grandma doesn't know what she's talking about.

Oh op these examples are not that bad at all. I mean, obviously, they ARE bad, but by the standards of some of the crazy ILs people write about here, not that bad. RE your grandmother dying, YES, DH should have told your in laws not to come over, but at that point, it's been established that your DH is useless, you should have called them. It sounds like you can just directly engage them without anger or resentment occurring. The other stuff like planning events, not bad. The diet advice, yes, annoying, but not that bad. That's stuff we all have to deal with, with our parents. Your MIL sounds caring and annoyingly oblivious-- MOST mother in laws are like this. Most MOTHERS are like this, period. At least be happy that she is nice and means well and is not a mean person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you need to do more behind the scenes work. Why don't you know your holiday plans 6 months ahead of time? That's not that unusual.

Don't allow Christmas presents to be opened before Christmas morning. Say it's your tradition. Why does your dH need to tell them this?

It really sounds like your DH doesn't like the way YOU do things. He likes his family and wants to go on trips with them and have them over for dinner. He thinks you're the problem and doesn't know how to tell you. He's trying to tell you from his actions that he doesn't agree with you.

I can see where you might think that, but he tells me he just doesn't want to make a big deal by saying no to them even when he doesn't want to do what they're asking. I think you're missing the bigger picture here. We've gone on plenty of trips together and had plenty of dinners with them that we've all had a hand in planning, so it isn't doing those things that's objectionable.

And, no I don't know what I'm doing for Easter in October. Maybe if any of us had to travel we might need to make plans, but that's not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can see where you might think that, but he tells me he just doesn't want to make a big deal by saying no to them even when he doesn't want to do what they're asking. I think you're missing the bigger picture here. We've gone on plenty of trips together and had plenty of dinners with them that we've all had a hand in planning, so it isn't doing those things that's objectionable.

And, no I don't know what I'm doing for Easter in October. Maybe if any of us had to travel we might need to make plans, but that's not the case.

OP, my family likes to know everyone's plans for Easter in October. Is it annoying? Yes. Do I let it bother me? Nope. Does it matter how many times I say "I don't know yet?" Nope. Not a big deal.

Your in laws do not sound that bad.

Here is an example of a bad in law: one that puts you down in front of DH and DH says nothing, one that decides to visit your house and stay with you for multiple months/weeks/whatever, and DH says nothing, one that insists on babysitting your children and leaves them with other people or feeds them food they may be allergic to and DH says nothing. THOSE are bad "DH needs to handle it!" situations. Yours are just regular annoying parent stuff.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need to move, OP. There was another thread where a lot of posters were saying that Sacramento is lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does your husband think it's ok to consistently put his parents ahead of you? Ask him this point-blank.

What kinds of things are we talking about?

I have asked him this over and over; as has a counselor. He seems to understand "intellectually" what he's doing, but then can't execute on doing anything about it.

The things range from little things to bigger things. I don't think the ILs are evil, but generally thoughtless and if DH had just spoken up in the beginning (and not in a mean or loud way), I think things would be much better. To make matters worse, when I've asked if I can speak up for myself and the kids, he prefers that I don't. Personally, I think it's even unfair to my ILs for DH not to tell them nicely, but directly, about expectations.

Here are some random examples:

Planned a camping weekend for the family without asking us first if we'd like to go. She told us that she'd like us to all be together (again, nice sentiment), but that "if she was paying, she was picking." We've never asked her to ever pay for our vacation or anything else for that matter. Emailed the list of things we were to bring and cook. I don't camp, so I had no intention of going. She also planned a "girls' shopping day" in Gettysburg near the campground for my mother (who lives 2 hours from Gettysburg), SIL, herself, and me. My mother never even knew about the shopping day and I wasn't camping, so I definitely wasn't driving to Gettysburg to shop. She was "shocked" when DH finally had to tell her neither my mother nor I were going.

My grandmother died and the services were the weekend of my birthday. MIL called and announced that she and FIL were coming over with BIL and SIL to celebrate my birthday. That's a nice sentiment, but I wasn't at all up for any celebration at all. DH couldn't tell her no, so they all came over.

ILs take kids out for Christmas presents in late October or November (we all live in the same general area, so it isn't as if we won't see them nearer to the holiday); brings the kids home and asks in front of me if it's ok that they have all the gifts then. Sometimes, what they buy (even if I try to give parameters), are special things I've already bought or are planning to get from Santa.

Asks literally six months in advance if we're celebrating a particular holiday with them. DH expects me to decide our holiday plans at that time because she will continue to ask him every week until he answers.

Promises kids they'll take them somewhere or do something with them and then back out at the last minute and don't give a reason.

Two of my kids have Crohn's disease and MIL gives them diet "advice" and asks in front of them if we can stop with their infusions since so much "medication is like poison." I don't want to be disrespectful or have my kids be disrespectful, but at the same time, the "advice" is complete crap, so I'm in the position to try to explain that grandma doesn't know what she's talking about.

Oh op these examples are not that bad at all. I mean, obviously, they ARE bad, but by the standards of some of the crazy ILs people write about here, not that bad. RE your grandmother dying, YES, DH should have told your in laws not to come over, but at that point, it's been established that your DH is useless, you should have called them. It sounds like you can just directly engage them without anger or resentment occurring. The other stuff like planning events, not bad. The diet advice, yes, annoying, but not that bad. That's stuff we all have to deal with, with our parents. Your MIL sounds caring and annoyingly oblivious-- MOST mother in laws are like this. Most MOTHERS are like this, period. At least be happy that she is nice and means well and is not a mean person.

I don't disagree that the individual examples aren't that bad. It's just the same crap over years and years without any resolution ever in sight has made me resentful. The food advice and questioning the Crohn's treatment does really make me mad, though, because what she tells them is opposite of what our doctors say. I also fear that as the ILs get older (they're youngest and in good shape), we'll have a situation where they're asking to move in. We moved into a largish house a few years ago and MIL made "jokes" several times that if we finished the basement it'd be perfect for them to live in. I'm not sure DH would be able to tell them no about that.

[Anonymous]

Op I get it.
And your examples are fine, they show overbearing meddling inlaws with no boundaries doing things that directly affect you. It's awful, I'm in the same boat.
We did the counseling as well with little improvement.
The ONLY thing that has worked is for me to say "DH I am giving you until Friday to tell your mother that we are not spending $5k to go glamping in winter. If you don't, I will."

After a couple episodes of me not being as nice to his mother as he would have been and dealing with her,
And her calling him in tears which was actually worse than if he just manned up and told her we didn't want a $300 Barbie jeep in our 1 bedroom walk up, he started saying " no no no I'll do it myself."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parent in laws died. I feel absolutely awful saying it, but it was kind of a relief once everything was settled and the grief was over.

Still one sibling and their family to deal with but that is a little easier since we are more of peers.

So... wait it out?

Either that, or I've considered divorce when the kids are grown.