DH wants me to "make nice"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH wants me to "make nice" with his abhorrently nasty mother. My MIL has never liked me, and never will (she hates herself, frankly); I am fine with it. I never did anything to her. She has said some really nasty things to me, out of no where (she is not crazy, per se, but she is depressed - I am not qualified to treat her, of course). I feel I should not be made to be subjected to her venom.

She is the type of woman who is quite primitive, in that if she is in the presence of a kind person - it motivates her, she will see it as an opportunity to attack that person. I simply grew tired of it, after years and years; and I fully encourage DH to see MIL by himself. If he feels he has to bring DC to see her, that is fine. I think they should know their grandmother, and form their own opinion.

Would you "suck it up" and go see her? I really don't see subjecting myself to her abusive behavior, just because DH does it (she is nasty to him, also. MIL has put the idea in DH's head that I want to be "catered to". Which is funny, if you know me at all. I don't want a single thing from her. It would be nice if she respected herself enough to respect others, but she does not and will not.


Meanwhile, my family is over-the-top welcoming to DH, rightfully so. I just don't see the point in putting myself in MIL's line of fire?

You were fine up until this point. If he goes to visit your family, you should do the same for him. You may think visiting your family is great, but it most likely is not great for your husband.

This. OP, chances are DH thinks your family is equally nasty. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

How on earth would anyone find a warm and welcoming family "nasty"? Only if you have a cold, nasty family yourself, I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean when you say he wants you to make nice?

Does he want you to be polite in her presence and not incite fights? Does he want you to keep the peace and try to ignore her as much as you can? Does he want you to try not to spin up ambiguous comments into major hassles and read something paranoid into what she's saying? Does he want you to spend a couple of hours on major holidays so she can see grandkids and have a family day? Does he want you to, essentially, be a grown up so he can have a relationship with his own mother? Then yes, you should make nice.

Does he want you to grovel and give in when she has a complaint every time and service her needs and be the butt of her jokes and not stand up to her when she makes open and obvious nasty remarks? To spend extended visits with her and leave you one on one with her? Then no, you don't need to make nice.

Which is it, OP?

This. It's fair and reasonable to ask you to be polite, to not start fights, to ignore what you can, and to suck it up in group settings. It's not fair or reasonable to ask you to be insulted repeatedly and just sit there and take it. I'd tell my husband that I'm willing to make nice for X number of visits a year, but that if she crosses the line into open insults, I'm going to get up and walk away. I would agree not to respond, but I would not agree to sit there and take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How on earth would anyone find a warm and welcoming family "nasty"? Only if you have a cold, nasty family yourself, I suppose.

Your "warm and welcoming" can differ from DH's. It often does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean when you say he wants you to make nice?

Does he want you to be polite in her presence and not incite fights? Does he want you to keep the peace and try to ignore her as much as you can? Does he want you to try not to spin up ambiguous comments into major hassles and read something paranoid into what she's saying? Does he want you to spend a couple of hours on major holidays so she can see grandkids and have a family day? Does he want you to, essentially, be a grown up so he can have a relationship with his own mother? Then yes, you should make nice.

Does he want you to grovel and give in when she has a complaint every time and service her needs and be the butt of her jokes and not stand up to her when she makes open and obvious nasty remarks? To spend extended visits with her and leave you one on one with her? Then no, you don't need to make nice.

Which is it, OP?

This. It's fair and reasonable to ask you to be polite, to not start fights, to ignore what you can, and to suck it up in group settings. It's not fair or reasonable to ask you to be insulted repeatedly and just sit there and take it. I'd tell my husband that I'm willing to make nice for X number of visits a year, but that if she crosses the line into open insults, I'm going to get up and walk away. I would agree not to respond, but I would not agree to sit there and take it.

+1

I wonder how many of the "sit there and shut up" respondents are evil, antagonistic, bitter MILs who are just looking for a target. Dh was her target for years, now Mil is looking for a new one, and its *not* me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How on earth would anyone find a warm and welcoming family "nasty"? Only if you have a cold, nasty family yourself, I suppose.

Your "warm and welcoming" can differ from DH's. It often does.

What if the warm and welcoming is completely nonexistent, IRL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How on earth would anyone find a warm and welcoming family "nasty"? Only if you have a cold, nasty family yourself, I suppose.

Your "warm and welcoming" can differ from DH's. It often does.

Well, that would be on her DH to speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How on earth would anyone find a warm and welcoming family "nasty"? Only if you have a cold, nasty family yourself, I suppose.

Your "warm and welcoming" can differ from DH's. It often does.

Well, that would be on her DH to speak up.

OP here. DH is an abuse victim, so he won't speak up. I will, but it would end things with MIL, because I would inevitably tell her how I really feel. She has said some unimaginable things. I, OTOH, am no one's victim, and consider Mil lucky that I have not yet said anything to her - especially since she is so checked out, oblivious, nasty and bitter. She is the type of person who is not happy, unless you are at least as equally unhappy. She has a ton of issues, and is a cold, bitter, lonely individual. I am not professionally equipped to handle her issues, so I basically stay out of it. DH's family does not address anything - heck, they barely communicate, on a good day. Suffice to say that my family is the opposite, in every way possible. DH married me because I am so unlike his mom, and I love it when people are different, and was taught to celebrate differences. Mil is not having any of it - you conform - her way or the highway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How on earth would anyone find a warm and welcoming family "nasty"? Only if you have a cold, nasty family yourself, I suppose.

Your "warm and welcoming" can differ from DH's. It often does.

Well, that would be on her DH to speak up.

OP here. DH is an abuse victim, so he won't speak up. I will, but it would end things with MIL, because I would inevitably tell her how I really feel. She has said some unimaginable things. I, OTOH, am no one's victim, and consider Mil lucky that I have not yet said anything to her - especially since she is so checked out, oblivious, nasty and bitter. She is the type of person who is not happy, unless you are at least as equally unhappy. She has a ton of issues, and is a cold, bitter, lonely individual. I am not professionally equipped to handle her issues, so I basically stay out of it. DH's family does not address anything - heck, they barely communicate, on a good day. Suffice to say that my family is the opposite, in every way possible. DH married me because I am so unlike his mom, and I love it when people are different, and was taught to celebrate differences. Mil is not having any of it - you conform - her way or the highway.

OP, you don't need to explain yourself to all these suspicious folk.

My mother is like this, so I understand. DH is a saint to put up with it in the limited way he does. Thank goodness she lives 6000km away, and we only see her, at most, twice a year. DH says he stays calm because he knows that she is insane - and being a doctor, he treats her just like a confused and mentally-challenged patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How on earth would anyone find a warm and welcoming family "nasty"? Only if you have a cold, nasty family yourself, I suppose.

Your "warm and welcoming" can differ from DH's. It often does.

Well, that would be on her DH to speak up.

OP here. DH is an abuse victim, so he won't speak up. I will, but it would end things with MIL, because I would inevitably tell her how I really feel. She has said some unimaginable things. I, OTOH, am no one's victim, and consider Mil lucky that I have not yet said anything to her - especially since she is so checked out, oblivious, nasty and bitter. She is the type of person who is not happy, unless you are at least as equally unhappy. She has a ton of issues, and is a cold, bitter, lonely individual. I am not professionally equipped to handle her issues, so I basically stay out of it. DH's family does not address anything - heck, they barely communicate, on a good day. Suffice to say that my family is the opposite, in every way possible. DH married me because I am so unlike his mom, and I love it when people are different, and was taught to celebrate differences. Mil is not having any of it - you conform - her way or the highway.

I meant if DH is really being treated badly by your family as the other PPs claim, it would be on him to speak up to you and say so, otherwise I think the other PPs are just making crap up with no basis.

[Anonymous]

You might have better results if you can talk your husband into getting counseling. Until he comes to terms with his childhood and his mom, accepting how things were and how things are now, he'll stay stuck where he is: longing for things to be magically "okay" with his mom, and depending on you to make it so. He probably likes that you're a fighter, but you can't fight his battles for him, and you shouldn't be cannon fodder either, taking the hits for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might have better results if you can talk your husband into getting counseling. Until he comes to terms with his childhood and his mom, accepting how things were and how things are now, he'll stay stuck where he is: longing for things to be magically "okay" with his mom, and depending on you to make it so. He probably likes that you're a fighter, but you can't fight his battles for him, and you shouldn't be cannon fodder either, taking the hits for him.

NP here. I agree so much with this excellent post.

OP, I know you posted about whether you should see and be subjected to MIL (of course you should not) but what leaped out at me was when you said, and it was kind of lost in the middle of the post, that MIL has now convinced your husband that YOU want to be "catered to." You haven't detailed what that means -- and unlike some other "give us examples" PPs here I am not going to ask you to detail it, it's not really necessary for us to know. Just be aware that if she is influencing how he thinks about you, it's past time for you and him to do some couples counseling, so you can both put each other and your marriage ahead of either birth family (I believe you do that already but he's not putting you and your kids ahead of his past and present relationship with mom), and for him to get some therapy so he can start to admit to and deal with being in a basically abusive situation. I would not care at all what MIL thought, said or did--but I would be very concerned about whether she is influencing DH at all in his attitudes toward you. I really hope you can convince him to get therapy. Perhaps if you can get him into couples counseling where you're pulling alongside him, he might be more likely then to agree to individual therapy if the couples counselor suggests it--Just a thought for you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH is an abuse victim, so he won't speak up. I will, but it would end things with MIL, because I would inevitably tell her how I really feel. She has said some unimaginable things. I, OTOH, am no one's victim, and consider Mil lucky that I have not yet said anything to her - especially since she is so checked out, oblivious, nasty and bitter. She is the type of person who is not happy, unless you are at least as equally unhappy. She has a ton of issues, and is a cold, bitter, lonely individual. I am not professionally equipped to handle her issues, so I basically stay out of it. DH's family does not address anything - heck, they barely communicate, on a good day. Suffice to say that my family is the opposite, in every way possible. DH married me because I am so unlike his mom, and I love it when people are different, and was taught to celebrate differences. Mil is not having any of it - you conform - her way or the highway.

Look, regardless of who is right or wrong, it is obvious that you have some strong feelings about your MIL and are not going to be able to go and make nice. So say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How on earth would anyone find a warm and welcoming family "nasty"? Only if you have a cold, nasty family yourself, I suppose.

Your "warm and welcoming" can differ from DH's. It often does.

Well, that would be on her DH to speak up.

OP here. DH is an abuse victim, so he won't speak up. I will, but it would end things with MIL, because I would inevitably tell her how I really feel. She has said some unimaginable things. I, OTOH, am no one's victim, and consider Mil lucky that I have not yet said anything to her - especially since she is so checked out, oblivious, nasty and bitter. She is the type of person who is not happy, unless you are at least as equally unhappy. She has a ton of issues, and is a cold, bitter, lonely individual. I am not professionally equipped to handle her issues, so I basically stay out of it. DH's family does not address anything - heck, they barely communicate, on a good day. Suffice to say that my family is the opposite, in every way possible. DH married me because I am so unlike his mom, and I love it when people are different, and was taught to celebrate differences. Mil is not having any of it - you conform - her way or the highway.

I meant if DH is really being treated badly by your family as the other PPs claim, it would be on him to speak up to you and say so, otherwise I think the other PPs are just making crap up with no basis.

They are! My family loves DH, and welcomes him warmly, in every way. They have certainly never said anything hurtful to him - as MIL says something hurtful any opportunity. They simply are not "nice people" or "a nice family" - KWIM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You might have better results if you can talk your husband into getting counseling. Until he comes to terms with his childhood and his mom, accepting how things were and how things are now, he'll stay stuck where he is: longing for things to be magically "okay" with his mom, and depending on you to make it so. He probably likes that you're a fighter, but you can't fight his battles for him, and you shouldn't be cannon fodder either, taking the hits for him.

NP here. I agree so much with this excellent post.

OP, I know you posted about whether you should see and be subjected to MIL (of course you should not) but what leaped out at me was when you said, and it was kind of lost in the middle of the post, that MIL has now convinced your husband that YOU want to be "catered to." You haven't detailed what that means -- and unlike some other "give us examples" PPs here I am not going to ask you to detail it, it's not really necessary for us to know. Just be aware that if she is influencing how he thinks about you, it's past time for you and him to do some couples counseling, so you can both put each other and your marriage ahead of either birth family (I believe you do that already but he's not putting you and your kids ahead of his past and present relationship with mom), and for him to get some therapy so he can start to admit to and deal with being in a basically abusive situation. I would not care at all what MIL thought, said or did--but I would be very concerned about whether she is influencing DH at all in his attitudes toward you. I really hope you can convince him to get therapy. Perhaps if you can get him into couples counseling where you're pulling alongside him, he might be more likely then to agree to individual therapy if the couples counselor suggests it--Just a thought for you.

OP here. I agree completely. I have been trying. There are a ton of issues. Some real serious issues have come up, but it has taken years, and the issues coming out were not deliberate, they just slipped, on DHs part. I found it suspicious that the ILs don't really talk to each other (they will gab on the phone on occasion about people's ailments, that's about it - strange indeed). They will say they want to be together, but really it is just a misery loves company situation. I can't tolerate any amount of time, nor can the other people who married in, so I am not alone.