When you outearn your husband

[Anonymous]

It should have nothing to do with how much you make, but how much your job demands. If you are both okay with one partner needing to put in more hours, then that partner should be able to do slightly less around the house. Also has nothing to do with the fact you're a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If DH outearned you, would you be willing to take on more responsibilities on top of working FT? Start from there.

This.

And I have to say: I am kind of nauseated by the degree of transactional-ization and monetization of relationships that I see bandied about on DCUM. I seriously wonder how much is just sock-puppet MRA trolling...either that or some really low class and shallow women.

I have been married 2x. First time, I earned significantly more than DW. I still support ex-DW to some slight degree (18 months and alimony is over!! Yay!). I earned more, so I picked up more of the slack financially. My work time-demands were actually lower than hers, and so I also picked up more of the domestic duties. Who cares? It is a partnership.

Now DW makes 2x what I make. We take turns domestically because sometimes her schedule is more forgiving and has slack/free time. I often step up (I play primary parent) when she gets very busy. It's a partnership.

Grow up...your spouse is not hired help, and if you see them that way, do them a favor and cut them free. Just hire professionals to take care of your transactional needs. Just gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It should have nothing to do with how much you make, but how much your job demands. If you are both okay with one partner needing to put in more hours, then that partner should be able to do slightly less around the house. Also has nothing to do with the fact you're a woman.

This. I earn 2x what DH makes. He works 2x as many hours, many of which are nights, weekends, etc. yay.
So i figure the flexibility of my job, in many ways, means I have more OPPORTUNITY to do other things. I shoulder the brunt of childcare simply bc I'm around more. That said, I try to look at it as "I have the opportunity to spend more time with the kids than DH." Most of tge time

And before anyone says it, yes, he needs to work. He makes more than daycare costs and would frankly be a mediocre SAHP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he take on more domestic leadership?

We just embarked of a bit of a role reversal in our household. First 6 years of marriage I took the low stress job and managed more of the domestic responsibilities. I recently accepted a more challenging role with greater responsibilities. My husband supported and encouraged the move but he's not really picking up any additional household duties. I've spoken directly with him about this but it seems that while he is supportive of women in leadership, women as primary breadwinners, etc, in principle -- in practice, he's not thrilled about the change in dynamic. The most he's willing to pick up is splitting pick up/drop off duties which he treats as some herculean assistance instead of just the starting point.

If you've experienced this, can you provide advice?

No advice unfortunately but my blood is boiling for you, OP! My DH pulls this crap! He acts like the tiniest things are a huge help. UGHGH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he take on more domestic leadership?

We just embarked of a bit of a role reversal in our household. First 6 years of marriage I took the low stress job and managed more of the domestic responsibilities. I recently accepted a more challenging role with greater responsibilities. My husband supported and encouraged the move but he's not really picking up any additional household duties. I've spoken directly with him about this but it seems that while he is supportive of women in leadership, women as primary breadwinners, etc, in principle -- in practice, he's not thrilled about the change in dynamic. The most he's willing to pick up is splitting pick up/drop off duties which he treats as some herculean assistance instead of just the starting point.

If you've experienced this, can you provide advice?

This made me laugh, because DH does the same thing kind of thing. It's like he needs a pat on the back for unloading the dishwasher. And if he wipes down a couple counters and puts a bowl in the sink, well, he *obviously* cleaned the ENTIRE kitchen.

\

Holy crap, are we married to the same man?

My DH's never "cleans" the kitchen without leaving at least one cabinet door open, a couple of chairs pulled out from the table, and a few dirty dishes on the counter and/or table.
Yet he still brags about it and demands extensive praise. Gah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not about salary IMO its about hours you are home. Whoever is home more usually ends up doing more housework...duh. And BTW my husband would love it if I outlearned him because "more money is more money!"

This. I outearn Dh by a lot, but I'm home at 5:30 after sitting in an office all day and he's home at 8 after doing physical work. During the week I do most of the housework. He helps on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I still do much more at home, and slightly more with and for the kids, despite outearning him by 20%.

[Anonymous]

I have always outearned my husband, and in the past few years the gap has grown larger.

But we treat the money we earn as OUR money, and more money means more resources. We consciously built a two income lifestyle so we don't begrudge each other the work it takes to maintain that.

We use the income to pay for things that make our lives easier and take some of the household stuff off the table. So we pay for lawnmowing, 2x/month housecleaning, and a nanny who does all the kids' laundry.

While we still negotiate the balance of primary responsibility for the kids, we virtually never have disagreements about household chores.

[Anonymous]

I earn more, and my husband stays at home with our kids PT (he also works PT.) He does day to day stuff (loading the dishes, picking up the toys, etc.) and we both do bigger cleaning things. We outsource maintenance as neither of us are handy.

[Anonymous]

Yes, now that I have take a new position vastly outearning DH he has picked up a lot at home. He now handles kids scheduling & managing most things relating to the house. It's the only way my job would work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH who makes more (3x's) than my wife (a teacher) but we absolutely divide things up by time. I have a more flexible job so I do the pick ups and drop offs since I don't have a firm "start time" at work or "end time." DW gets home an hour before we do. She usually gets dinner started, walks the dog, and does a 30 minute exercise video. We are both otherwise hands on. I do the teacher work day and sick days usually since I have 6 weeks of paid vacation and 4 weeks of sick leave a year. DW gets 12 days. Total.

During the summer, DW does more with the kids. I am using training for a marathon, so she ends up doing pick ups and is around to handle a lot of the house stuff.

Truthfully, OP it's a question of time more than money. Who has it should be the biggest indicator or who takes on the work.

+1

How much you earn does not dictate how much power or significance you have the relationship. If you are unhappy with the distribution of house work and time with children, then simply outline a list of everyone's responsibilities, sit down and sort out who is doing what. If it turns out that it is true that you have a significantly higher workload, and perhaps this load negatively impacting your ability to perform well at your job, then this exercise would be a lot more constructive than simply bitching about how much more important you are b/c you make more money, and therefore, are entitled to a more equal workload.

I actually don't understand your hostility PP. Each partner in the relationship regardless of money earned has a duty to perform approximately half of the unpaid family/home workload. If couples want to negotiate away some of this or take on more of this, it's their business, but OP should have to "bitch" about being "entitled to a more equal workload." The fact that she does, and that she has to make justification for the more equal workload like "I'm earning more money" and point out the economics of her moving back to a "more equal" distribution of the unpaid workload speaks volumes about the sexism in her marriage. The fact that you call her out for "bitching" about wanting things to be equal speaks volumes about your sexism and the sexism in our culture.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I outearn my DH and my job is much more demanding. Our child spends more time with DH than he does with me, so much that he says that DH is "in charge of the house."

And yet DH bitches and moans if I'm late getting home (because of course God forbid he should get dinner on himself or take the kid out for a quick bite), don't maintain a cleaning schedule, don't remember every little "to do" that he's reeled off when I'm preoccupied with something else, etc. Many is the time that I feel like the maid, not a partner and certainly not a wife.

Clearly he resents me, and yet he expects me to produce on the "Second Shift" at home and the workday shift. The scary part is that our kid is taking everything DH says as gospel, and learning that it's ok to rag on Mommy.

It's making me ill. Sorry to vent on your thread, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think the "time more important than money" idea is usually true. But for me I work as a consultant so I can make more if I am more freed up to do work. Not that I want to work all the time but I do already make double my DH and could make triple if I worked a little more. But I really can't. Partly due to doing a lot of the household stuff. Partly because I don't want to work all the time anyway. I guess it is ok. But still feel the amount of money does matter a bit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he take on more domestic leadership?

We just embarked of a bit of a role reversal in our household. First 6 years of marriage I took the low stress job and managed more of the domestic responsibilities. I recently accepted a more challenging role with greater responsibilities. My husband supported and encouraged the move but he's not really picking up any additional household duties. I've spoken directly with him about this but it seems that while he is supportive of women in leadership, women as primary breadwinners, etc, in principle -- in practice, he's not thrilled about the change in dynamic. The most he's willing to pick up is splitting pick up/drop off duties which he treats as some herculean assistance instead of just the starting point.

If you've experienced this, can you provide advice?

If you can afford it, outsource as much as you can. I loathe to say this, but some men either find domestic duties very emasculating or their vision of completeness doesn't match yours (i.e. kitchen looks perfect to him but you notice grime, kids clothes are laundered and dumped wrinkled on the guest bed=A OK for him, not you). I'm guessing he's mostly on board with anything childcare related but perhaps not so much into scrubbing toilets? You don't want to hear this but if you can't afford to outsource, you either have to accept a messier house or just do it yourself to keep the peace. This also relates to bill paying, managing finances, vacation planning, figuring out summer camps, keeping up with school emails, household repairs, scheduling social events, buying clothes, etc... as you know.

Agree with other posters. It's not a matter of which spouse makes more moolah, it's a matter of who has more free time to tackle life outside work. Divide & conquer, enjoy life and if you truly care about something being a certain way, it's on you, not your spouse. You can always ask your spouse to do things the "right" way (i.e. your way) but you need to loosen up, laugh and accept that you can't do it all and neither can he. Super cliché but pick your battles.

[Anonymous]

I earn zero. Always earned zero. My husband has always helped me when I've asked. Even when I didn't ask.

No advice except tell him you need help.

BTW. my ex DIL used to throw up the fact she made more than my son. He divorced her. She did no house anything but expected him to.

Good luck.