When you outearn your husband
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Anonymous
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Does he take on more domestic leadership?
We just embarked of a bit of a role reversal in our household. First 6 years of marriage I took the low stress job and managed more of the domestic responsibilities. I recently accepted a more challenging role with greater responsibilities. My husband supported and encouraged the move but he's not really picking up any additional household duties. I've spoken directly with him about this but it seems that while he is supportive of women in leadership, women as primary breadwinners, etc, in principle -- in practice, he's not thrilled about the change in dynamic. The most he's willing to pick up is splitting pick up/drop off duties which he treats as some herculean assistance instead of just the starting point. If you've experienced this, can you provide advice? |
Anonymous
| Depends on the money, time and your relationship. If you out earn him by a large amount and that comes from you working 80 hrs a week then he has to pick up slack or you guys pay for help. If it's a small difference and regular hours then probably not. Talk about your household needs and not in terms of who brings what to the budget but in terms of what you both need to do to have a successful partnership and the kind of household you want. I out earn mine by maybe 5% sometimes more but I also have a much easier schedule so I do a lot of stuff. He is passionate about what he does and it pays fine but probably too low for how much one and energy he devotes to it but that's a choice we both make. And he does a lot of household things just maybe not at the same time or on weekends etc. |
Anonymous
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Nothing good to share. DH continued to prioritize his work above all else. He needed "rest" during off hours, which I was never given despite a more demanding job situation (and more $$$). He resented my work and only saw that I was slacking off at home. It didn't matter that my job paid the bills. He saw himself as "head of household." He's XH now. |
Anonymous
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I make about twice what he does.
I pay for cleaners 2x/ month. He WAH, so handles all maintenance, home repair, etc. We're both tidy, so this works for us. |
Anonymous
| Its not about salary IMO its about hours you are home. Whoever is home more usually ends up doing more housework...duh. And BTW my husband would love it if I outlearned him because "more money is more money!" |
Anonymous
| It depends. I out-earn him by a good margin, but still only work 32 hours a week (with some exceptions). He has a stressful and important job that he works at for long hours at times, and travels a lot (Govt.). So I do most of the household chores, but he does pull his own weight. We each have our own routine tasks (mine is cooking and general housekeeping ,his is laundry and kids' morning routine) and he is able to step in when needed at the times that my job turns stressful or more demanding, which does happen a few times a year. |
Anonymous
| Agree that it's about hours at home. I have a long commute. DH cooks dinner. He earns more. |
Anonymous
This! If you are looking at it from a money perspective, you are bound to fail. And annoy the hell out of your spouse. Hours in the home, minus work at home time, matter. You guys are partners, not competitors. |
Anonymous
| My salary is 3x DH's and I still do the majority of the housework. I'd call it 60-30-10, meaning 10% is not getting done and the house is always a mess. We work about the same number of hours. I feel like if our positions were reversed I would absolutely try to do more at home. It leads to resentment sometimes. |
Anonymous
OP. My husband is like this. I pick kids up, make dinner, bath/bedtime routine with kids. Then after they're in bed I come back downstairs to clean the kitchen and tend to any laundry that needs folding & take the dog for a walk.. He comes home, has dinner, and then watches tv. I sucked it up when I had an easy job. Now that I have a high-stress gig with more hours I want him to pitch in more. It doesn't seem fair to me that I both support the family financially ... especially since his work has slowed down considerably over the past year.. AND do everything else. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if he didn't complain about the household "slipping" since I started the new gig. |
Anonymous
| We base things on time not earnings. Whoever has more time takes care of the greater amount of responsibility. Money has never been a factor in the division of labor in outlet house. Throughout our almost 25 year marriage we've been back and forth on who has more time and who makes more money. Until about two years ago, I made less for a few years but due to my longer commute my spouse had more time despite being the higher earner. So spouse took on more household responsibilities. |
Anonymous
+1. This is my situation exactly. |
Anonymous
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I earn significantly more - but we don't look at our marriage as a battle as "who does more"
We both hate housework (MAID!) He's a better cook - so he does that. I have lots of complex laundry rules (OCD) so I do that. He has more suits so he does the dry cleaning. We just break things out and help each other. Our marriage is more a team effort. Maybe you should try and approach it from that POV |
Anonymous
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When my husband and I got married, I made more than twice what he did. After a few years of marriage, the recession hit. I was downsized and found a new position making about half what he was making (I was underemployed). We now make about the same.
During our entire marriage, he rarely had done ANY of the housework. I *know* this about him. But he fixes EVERYTHING around the house. Always takes out the garbage, recycling - everything without being asked or reminded. When the housework became more of a burden on me- I outsourced (ie cleaning lady). We rarely argue about housework. When I need him to do something to help, I ask (like at night - did you want to give DS a bath or do the dinner dishes). He usually opts for the bath - but sometimes he does the dishes. It works for us. |
Anonymous
| Out source whatever you needed if you can pay for it. |