When you outearn your husband

[Anonymous]

I'm a DH who makes more (3x's) than my wife (a teacher) but we absolutely divide things up by time. I have a more flexible job so I do the pick ups and drop offs since I don't have a firm "start time" at work or "end time." DW gets home an hour before we do. She usually gets dinner started, walks the dog, and does a 30 minute exercise video. We are both otherwise hands on. I do the teacher work day and sick days usually since I have 6 weeks of paid vacation and 4 weeks of sick leave a year. DW gets 12 days. Total.

During the summer, DW does more with the kids. I am using training for a marathon, so she ends up doing pick ups and is around to handle a lot of the house stuff.

Truthfully, OP it's a question of time more than money. Who has it should be the biggest indicator or who takes on the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Nothing good to share.

DH continued to prioritize his work above all else. He needed "rest" during off hours, which I was never given despite a more demanding job situation (and more $$$). He resented my work and only saw that I was slacking off at home. It didn't matter that my job paid the bills. He saw himself as "head of household." He's XH now.

OP. My husband is like this. I pick kids up, make dinner, bath/bedtime routine with kids. Then after they're in bed I come back downstairs to clean the kitchen and tend to any laundry that needs folding & take the dog for a walk.. He comes home, has dinner, and then watches tv. I sucked it up when I had an easy job. Now that I have a high-stress gig with more hours I want him to pitch in more. It doesn't seem fair to me that I both support the family financially ... especially since his work has slowed down considerably over the past year.. AND do everything else.

Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if he didn't complain about the household "slipping" since I started the new gig.

I would tell him to "slip this"! What a Neanderthal

[Anonymous]

Yes, but it wasn't instantaneous. When we are both home, duties are equal. I work much longer hours, so he has taken over:
- after school kids stuff. This I was firm on. I'm not paying $500 for after school care. He tried to push back about having to be home at 3:45 each day. I pretty much said make it happen, as its crazy to pay $4500 a year when he is home or should be home at that time.
- dinner three times a week. This happened slowly, over time. I didn't nag, but I did start promoting. "Hey there is a pan of seasoned chicken in the fridge. Can you put it in the oven at 350?" He eventually took more initative.
- I only wash laundry on weekends. He asked about this and then took initiative to have him and the kids (older) take over laundry on Wednesdays. When j get home I only have to put my folded laundry away.

It was difficult during the transition, as I didn't want to nag. There were conversations, but I basically said things will have to wait, and that everyone should pitch in more.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

If DH outearned you, would you be willing to take on more responsibilities on top of working FT? Start from there.

[Anonymous]

Speaking of money: be sure that other women who are prone to "daddy issues" - or just money issues - know that it is your money and not his!

My friend has set up a nice life for herself. If you saw the women that come out of the woodwork, thinking it is her DHs money, you would be very amused. Those women make complete arses of themselves, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DH who makes more (3x's) than my wife (a teacher) but we absolutely divide things up by time. I have a more flexible job so I do the pick ups and drop offs since I don't have a firm "start time" at work or "end time." DW gets home an hour before we do. She usually gets dinner started, walks the dog, and does a 30 minute exercise video. We are both otherwise hands on. I do the teacher work day and sick days usually since I have 6 weeks of paid vacation and 4 weeks of sick leave a year. DW gets 12 days. Total.

During the summer, DW does more with the kids. I am using training for a marathon, so she ends up doing pick ups and is around to handle a lot of the house stuff.

Truthfully, OP it's a question of time more than money. Who has it should be the biggest indicator or who takes on the work.

+1

How much you earn does not dictate how much power or significance you have the relationship. If you are unhappy with the distribution of house work and time with children, then simply outline a list of everyone's responsibilities, sit down and sort out who is doing what. If it turns out that it is true that you have a significantly higher workload, and perhaps this load negatively impacting your ability to perform well at your job, then this exercise would be a lot more constructive than simply bitching about how much more important you are b/c you make more money, and therefore, are entitled to a more equal workload.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree that it is about time, not money.

You have to open the lines of communication. Like many other PPs, we divide the household duties based on our work hours, time at home, and personal preferences. If one of us has a busier or more stressful time coming up, or a particularly early or late meeting, we just talk about it and ask the other to handle the kids, do the grocery shopping, or whatever. And then there are those days that, for whatever reason, one of us just can't handle dealing with the kids for the bedtime routine. No big deal. The other one steps in and gets the kids to bed while the overwhelmed parent has a beer and washes dishes.

If you feel like your DH is not acknowledging the extra responsibility that you've assumed at work and is not helping out enough at home, you need to discuss it. Phrase it as "With this new role, I'm now working longer hours. I have less time at home and can't do as much around here as I used to. Can you take over primarily responsibility for ______?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he take on more domestic leadership?

We just embarked of a bit of a role reversal in our household. First 6 years of marriage I took the low stress job and managed more of the domestic responsibilities. I recently accepted a more challenging role with greater responsibilities. My husband supported and encouraged the move but he's not really picking up any additional household duties. I've spoken directly with him about this but it seems that while he is supportive of women in leadership, women as primary breadwinners, etc, in principle -- in practice, he's not thrilled about the change in dynamic. The most he's willing to pick up is splitting pick up/drop off duties which he treats as some herculean assistance instead of just the starting point.

If you've experienced this, can you provide advice?

This made me laugh, because DH does the same thing kind of thing. It's like he needs a pat on the back for unloading the dishwasher. And if he wipes down a couple counters and puts a bowl in the sink, well, he *obviously* cleaned the ENTIRE kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not about salary IMO its about hours you are home. Whoever is home more usually ends up doing more housework...duh. And BTW my husband would love it if I outlearned him because "more money is more money!"

Agree. I'm a DH to a higher earning DW. She makes roughly $250K to my $125K. All our money is pooled. There is no her money and my money, it's all our money.

We both work the same number of hours essentially, though I work much closer to home than she does so I get home first and do all the cooking, routine kitchen cleanup, etc, through the week. The rest of the household duties are pretty much split as we both have about the same amount of time on weekends. Her salary vs my salary doesn't come into play. It's about free time.

BTW I was a SAHD for 5 years when our kids were little. They're in college now so I've been back to work for a long time. But when I was home I did pretty much everything and still had time to waste...I kinda miss those days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not about salary IMO its about hours you are home. Whoever is home more usually ends up doing more housework...duh. And BTW my husband would love it if I outlearned him because "more money is more money!"

This is your spouse, not your indentured servant. No one should have to make up for a disparity in income with extra chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its not about salary IMO its about hours you are home. Whoever is home more usually ends up doing more housework...duh. And BTW my husband would love it if I outlearned him because "more money is more money!"

This! If you are looking at it from a money perspective, you are bound to fail. And annoy the hell out of your spouse. Hours in the home, minus work at home time, matter.

You guys are partners, not competitors.

I agree with this as well. I earn slightly more but he has a less flexible job. I also have a significant inheritance that paid off the house, his school loans, etc. I'm home more so I do most domestic stuff - meet contractors, laundry, cleaning etc. He does all trash, his laundry, makes kids' beds etc. We have cleaners 2x/week. I cook and he does dishes. Equality makes a happy marriage IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its not about salary IMO its about hours you are home. Whoever is home more usually ends up doing more housework...duh. And BTW my husband would love it if I outlearned him because "more money is more money!"

This! If you are looking at it from a money perspective, you are bound to fail. And annoy the hell out of your spouse. Hours in the home, minus work at home time, matter.

You guys are partners, not competitors.

I agree with this as well. I earn slightly more but he has a less flexible job. I also have a significant inheritance that paid off the house, his school loans, etc. I'm home more so I do most domestic stuff - meet contractors, laundry, cleaning etc. He does all trash, his laundry, makes kids' beds etc. We have cleaners 2x/week. I cook and he does dishes. Equality makes a happy marriage IMO.

2x/month not 2x/week!

[Anonymous]

I'm in your boat. DH works 4 days a week from home. He's closer to school. I drop off b/c it's on my way, we split pick up from aftercare depending on schedules. He handles all appointments - vet, doctors, home repairs, etc, and the dry cleaning. He usually cooks dinner 1-2 nights a week when I am going to be late; cleans the kitchen when I cook. Is always washing laundry since he's at home. We split up bedtimes, baths, etc. Every week is a little different since we both travel for work and have other activities/commitments. We are in constant communication about what needs to be done and who is doing what. If he were not like this we'd probably end up divorced.

Good luck, OP. Men don't get a pass b/c they are men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Nothing good to share.

DH continued to prioritize his work above all else. He needed "rest" during off hours, which I was never given despite a more demanding job situation (and more $$$). He resented my work and only saw that I was slacking off at home. It didn't matter that my job paid the bills. He saw himself as "head of household." He's XH now.

OP. My husband is like this. I pick kids up, make dinner, bath/bedtime routine with kids. Then after they're in bed I come back downstairs to clean the kitchen and tend to any laundry that needs folding & take the dog for a walk.. He comes home, has dinner, and then watches tv. I sucked it up when I had an easy job. Now that I have a high-stress gig with more hours I want him to pitch in more. It doesn't seem fair to me that I both support the family financially ... especially since his work has slowed down considerably over the past year.. AND do everything else.

Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if he didn't complain about the household "slipping" since I started the new gig.

You need to talk to him. Men can't read our minds and some of them really are this dumb. Or willfully ignorant. But if you don't speak up, that's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Nothing good to share.

DH continued to prioritize his work above all else. He needed "rest" during off hours, which I was never given despite a more demanding job situation (and more $$$). He resented my work and only saw that I was slacking off at home. It didn't matter that my job paid the bills. He saw himself as "head of household." He's XH now.

OP. My husband is like this. I pick kids up, make dinner, bath/bedtime routine with kids. Then after they're in bed I come back downstairs to clean the kitchen and tend to any laundry that needs folding & take the dog for a walk.. He comes home, has dinner, and then watches tv. I sucked it up when I had an easy job. Now that I have a high-stress gig with more hours I want him to pitch in more. It doesn't seem fair to me that I both support the family financially ... especially since his work has slowed down considerably over the past year.. AND do everything else.

Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if he didn't complain about the household "slipping" since I started the new gig.

Listen to everyone on this thread. Career, salary, and stress have nothing to do with it. If you feel he should be cleaning while do bath/bedtime, tell him that. As soon as you start talking about your job and supporting the family financially, you've lost the conversation. It's a real simple conversation, "hey I'm giving the kids a bath. What are you going to do?"