questions for those who have lost a child

[Anonymous]

I had a stillbirth earlier this year. Losing a child is a horrible kind of hell...

1) be kind to your spouse. You both will grieve in your own ways. Tell each other what you need-don't get mad when they can't read your mind. Or get mad if he doesn't seem sad enough. I got super sad and grieved hard for weeks/months. DH seemed to have a wave or two of grief then moved on. Turns out, almost a year later, his grief seeps out in small bursts at random times over weird thing. We supported and loved each other's way of grieving.

2) hold her, if you can. My biggest regret is not holding my son for as long as I needed. When I gave birth, he was already dead. I held him for 10-15 mins. Then I was worried that I was being weird holding a dead body, so I let him go. Didn't realize how much my arm would ache to hold him. I should given myself permission to hold his dead little body for 3 days, if I needed to. Once their body is taken away, it's gone forever...

3) don't pick a funeral home or burial site you will drive past regularly. Just when you are over the worst part, you will drive past it and burst into tears and the pain will be fresh all over again.

4) don't feel like you have to sprinkle her ashes right away. I kept my son's urn on the couch with me for many months. Then moved him to the side table. Finally, a week ago, he is on the bookshelf. I'm hoping in time, I will be able to sprinkle his ashes in our garden.

5) if you are using a urn- i felt weird with the idea of having an empty urn around the house (after I sprinkled the ashes). So I found an urn that turns into a birdhouse. I like knowing that once his ashes are sprinkled, I can look out and see his urn being used by birds.

6) there is wonderful ashes jewelry. I found a glassblower online, that took a little bit of his ashes and created a beautiful pendant. I wear it all the time and makes me feel closer to him and that I'll never forget him.


I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just know that at some point you will come out of the worst of it. You will never really 100% get over it. It will always be a part of you. And at some point, you will learn how to live with the New Normal.

[Anonymous]

I am so very sorry.

[Anonymous]

I'm so very sorry, OP.

Wishing you strength, peace, and comfort today and in the coming days, weeks, months, and years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a stillbirth earlier this year. Losing a child is a horrible kind of hell...

1) be kind to your spouse. You both will grieve in your own ways. Tell each other what you need-don't get mad when they can't read your mind. Or get mad if he doesn't seem sad enough. I got super sad and grieved hard for weeks/months. DH seemed to have a wave or two of grief then moved on. Turns out, almost a year later, his grief seeps out in small bursts at random times over weird thing. We supported and loved each other's way of grieving.

2) hold her, if you can. My biggest regret is not holding my son for as long as I needed. When I gave birth, he was already dead. I held him for 10-15 mins. Then I was worried that I was being weird holding a dead body, so I let him go. Didn't realize how much my arm would ache to hold him. I should given myself permission to hold his dead little body for 3 days, if I needed to. Once their body is taken away, it's gone forever...

3) don't pick a funeral home or burial site you will drive past regularly. Just when you are over the worst part, you will drive past it and burst into tears and the pain will be fresh all over again.

4) don't feel like you have to sprinkle her ashes right away. I kept my son's urn on the couch with me for many months. Then moved him to the side table. Finally, a week ago, he is on the bookshelf. I'm hoping in time, I will be able to sprinkle his ashes in our garden.

5) if you are using a urn- i felt weird with the idea of having an empty urn around the house (after I sprinkled the ashes). So I found an urn that turns into a birdhouse. I like knowing that once his ashes are sprinkled, I can look out and see his urn being used by birds.

6) there is wonderful ashes jewelry. I found a glassblower online, that took a little bit of his ashes and created a beautiful pendant. I wear it all the time and makes me feel closer to him and that I'll never forget him.


I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just know that at some point you will come out of the worst of it. You will never really 100% get over it. It will always be a part of you. And at some point, you will learn how to live with the New Normal.

NP here. This is so, so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. I didn't even know items like these last two things you mentioned existed, and makes me feel better just to know things like that exist.

[Anonymous]

No advice, but I'm so very sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Well, I add my sympathies to those of the others OP. I lost a cousin recently at a very young age to alcohol abuse, and that cousin's remains were cremated. I'll try to give practical advice from that experience. I don't want to seem crass -- my intent is to help.

On the parents, if they are able, they can take care of themselves -- the point is to be there, not to have activities or a schedule like a normal visit. They know that I expect.

You are planning cremation -- that gives you more flexibility. You need do nothing for an indefinite period of time following the cremation.

If there is a service I think it helps everyone if the officiant deals forthrightly with the manner of death. In my case the cousin's brother wrote a poem on his sister's struggles with alcohol, which the officiant read.

God bless you and your family OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a stillbirth earlier this year. Losing a child is a horrible kind of hell...

1) be kind to your spouse. You both will grieve in your own ways. Tell each other what you need-don't get mad when they can't read your mind. Or get mad if he doesn't seem sad enough. I got super sad and grieved hard for weeks/months. DH seemed to have a wave or two of grief then moved on. Turns out, almost a year later, his grief seeps out in small bursts at random times over weird thing. We supported and loved each other's way of grieving.

2) hold her, if you can. My biggest regret is not holding my son for as long as I needed. When I gave birth, he was already dead. I held him for 10-15 mins. Then I was worried that I was being weird holding a dead body, so I let him go. Didn't realize how much my arm would ache to hold him. I should given myself permission to hold his dead little body for 3 days, if I needed to. Once their body is taken away, it's gone forever...

3) don't pick a funeral home or burial site you will drive past regularly. Just when you are over the worst part, you will drive past it and burst into tears and the pain will be fresh all over again.

4) don't feel like you have to sprinkle her ashes right away. I kept my son's urn on the couch with me for many months. Then moved him to the side table. Finally, a week ago, he is on the bookshelf. I'm hoping in time, I will be able to sprinkle his ashes in our garden.

5) if you are using a urn- i felt weird with the idea of having an empty urn around the house (after I sprinkled the ashes). So I found an urn that turns into a birdhouse. I like knowing that once his ashes are sprinkled, I can look out and see his urn being used by birds.

6) there is wonderful ashes jewelry. I found a glassblower online, that took a little bit of his ashes and created a beautiful pendant. I wear it all the time and makes me feel closer to him and that I'll never forget him.


I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just know that at some point you will come out of the worst of it. You will never really 100% get over it. It will always be a part of you. And at some point, you will learn how to live with the New Normal.

I lost my child at 2 as well. This PP, above, provides very good advice. You really can do whatever you find you want to do. Nobody is going to mind. You only need to consider your husband. Just don't do anything you can't undo later like get rid of her things or something. Make no big decisions. Treat yourself, for a while, like you are living with a major disability that is exhausting and needs to be managed.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. So I wasn't pregnant when we lost our baby but DH and I skipped town pretty quickly after services were done. We had services right away mostly for our family and less for us (we later had a private ceremony with just me and DH where we scattered her ashes and planted a tree in our yard).

Here is the only thing you need to worry about right now (other than being with your family of course). What happens after she passes? Do you have it arranged where she will be cremated? That's really the only thing I can think of right now that you need to have planned.

Then I'd recommend you and DH booking a hotel room as far as your travel restrictions allow you to and grieve. Don't go home right away. I wish I hadn't. I cleaned out everything in between sobs and anger. And then later when I had calmed down, I was sad that I had just taken apart everything without thinking. (thankfully my mom was wise and intervened unbeknownst to me and stored everything at her house because she was rightly worried I'd regret my fit of throwing things out).

I'm really sorry OP. It gets easier but it doesn't really ever get totally better.

sorry op. this sounds like great advice. maybe your daughter will pull through.

[Anonymous]

I'm so, so sorry, OP. Thinking of you and your family and wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks everyone for all the good advice and support. My daughter passed away late Sunday night. She died quietly in our arms, and her grandparents were able to see her and say goodbye as well. It was peaceful and calm and I'm grateful we had the chance to say goodbye like we did.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry op for your loss!

[Anonymous]

Sending prayers to you and your family, OP. I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, Op.

[Anonymous]

Thinking of you. So sorry and I hope your daughter is at peace.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss. OP.