questions for those who have lost a child

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so very sorry.

[Anonymous]

I am so very sorry OP. Wishing your family peace as you navigate the coming days and months.

[Anonymous]

OP, my first child died in the hospital before ever coming home... although it was on the eve of the day she was supposed to be released to come home (13 days old).

Anyway, intially you will probably be hosting a lot of people who are coming for the funeral. It almost seemed like I was expected to be host of a party -- and I was caught in this weird feeling of trying to be the pleasant host and also be the grieving mother. It was weird. Then everyone goes home/away and it is very quite... like a big flurry of activity and then a vacuum. And that's when you are left to figure out how to go on with life. You feel like the world should stop and be sad b/c there was a huge loss to the world (i.e. your child)... and yet, the trains are running and people are going about their normal business.

That is a hard time... when you realize the world is going on as normal.

This is a good time to start looking at charities that you might want to support in your child's name. Or things that you can do to make your child's life mean something, even if it isn't big and splashy.

I also read the book "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" -- really helped me a lot.

A few months later, we had re-established our normal routine. Our tears were gone and we had come to accept that this is the way it is. I purposely took a day off of work to devote solely to making a scrapbook to memorialize my child's life (and the pregnancy leading up to it). It was important to me to physically report the story. It wasn't just something in my memories -- it was real. I felt it was a way of honoring her life -- as short as it was -- and my memories of the whole process. Taking off of work to do it also was something I wanted to do to say that this is the most important work I need to do. It is not a Sat. afternoon hobby. It is business that needs to be attended to.

It was also a way for me to honor my child while also closing the book on that segment of our lives. Of course we remember her, but life is for the living. So, it was time to wrap up the past with respect and then mentally look forward.

Everyone has hardships in life -- whether we see them out in the open (like the death of a child) or whether they are happening behind closed doors. Having a child die brings universal sympathy, but I never think of myself as any different than anyone else -- we all take our hits and we have to get up and keep going.

I'm sorry your child's life is so short. Take comfort in loving her as much as you can.

(Note to others: please, please, don't say to a grieving parent -- "it was all God's plan" or "at least you have another child" or anything like that. No one wants to hear that you think it was God's plan to rip a child away from his/her parent. Keep your platitudes to yourself and just say "I'm sorry" or "she was a ray of joy" or something like that.)

[Anonymous]

I am very sorry for your loss. Peace to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

This thread made me cry... I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, OP. Sending love, peace and prayers your way.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry to hear about this, OP.

Please take care of yourself and be gentle on yourself and to each other.

We don't know why life turns out the way it does, and I am so sorry that you have to feel so much pain. I hope it eases in time, as you remember your beautiful daughter and begin to know your new child.

[Anonymous]

i'm so sorry OP. i echo others who say the most important thing now is to do what you want to do, feel how you want to feel, and have patience with yourself and your husband as you start this new chapter in your life. is nothing else, please know that there is love and light being sent to you from lots of strangers here on the internet. our deepest sympathies for you during this horrible time.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP -- how awful for your family.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

It's not quite the same thing, but Kaiser Health News recently did a story that ran on NPR that looked at the plight of families (one particular family, really) that had to decide how much care to offer a very sick young baby. There is a touching video, too.

http://khn.org/news/a-sick-newborn-a-loving-family-and-a-litany-of-wrenching-choices/

Best of luck to you and your loved ones.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for coming back to let us know that she has passed on, OP. So glad her grandparents made it in time.

Take care, OP. You are a very caring mama. And may you have a calm, healthy pregnancy and delivery with the new little one.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know if you think this is silly, but I am going to meditate energy to you tonight. Warmth, peace, healing, and quiet.

[Anonymous]

So very sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP I am very sad for your you.
Maybe a bereavement center?
http://www.wendtcenter.org

[Anonymous]

Realize there are stages in grief and people can handle grief in different ways. Give yourself and your family time to heal. For me, talking with a counselor was key to working through the process and help my family through the process. My husband did not seek out counseling and having my own private third party to vent to, bounce ideas off of, and give me homework helped me to focus on what I needed to get through the worse thing I have ever endured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks for coming back to let us know that she has passed on, OP. So glad her grandparents made it in time.

Take care, OP. You are a very caring mama. And may you have a calm, healthy pregnancy and delivery with the new little one.

This is almost exactly what I want to say also OP.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so so sorry for your loss. I pray that you find peace.