Vacation time/money/extended family issues (really about relationships with in-laws.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good lord, this could have been a 1 sentence post.

TL;DR: We want to visit DH's grandparents, but I'm afraid my mom will act petty & jealous.

A: You're adults. Make decisions. You don't need to coddle your adult mother.

Thank you for the cliff notes version!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Can your MIL really not understand why it's not as easy to visit her? Is it really just that you guys don't like her and don't want to bother? (Not blaming you; she sounds like she didn't factor your family in at all. Were there financial reasons she picked that location?) If her house was kid-friendly would you then go?
Can your MIL join you on vacation somewhere? I realize she'd still have to board the dog, but it would be a way to offer her another option for spending time with you, and it might be easier for her to get there.

(Btw, random and off-topic: when you stay in hotels, are you all in one room, or do you do two rooms with a parent in each room, or what?)

I"m the OP.
Thanks everyone for their thoughts.
To answer the above questions- we really hardly ever travel. We never have done the two rooms with a parent in each room, sometimes we get a big room that will allow 6, sometimes we get a suite, sometimes we get connecting rooms. Right now our kids are small enough that they are happy on the floor- this will probably change as they get bigger.

MIL kind of understands why its not easier to visit her- she just doesn't really care. So long as we don't go anywhere she is not to frustrated, she just gets upset when we visit DH's grandparents (which we have done 1 time since being a family of 6, and are planning another trip.)

At the risk of total outing myself- no there were not financial reasons why she picked her retirement location. Her retirement location is more expensive than where she was living. She basically thinks the world owes her because she was divorced against her will more than 30 years ago. Somehow retiring to a remote location is something in her mind she 'deserves' because she was divorced.

[Anonymous]

We're in a similar situation. After wrestling with visits for years and spending untold vacation days and dollars getting out to BFE to see her I recently told her that we'd love to see her whenever she wants to come visit us (within an hour of two major international airports) but that we are non longer making the trip out there to see her. Can't believe it took me so long to draw that line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL left a fully paid off home 20-25 minutes away from us in regular traffic to move an hour away from us in Sunday morning traffic. We begged her not to make the move since we both work FT and have kids. Flash forward 10 years and we see her less than a handful of times per year. When we do see her, she bellyaches about how much she wishes she could see us more. She doesn't complain that much in front of me because I am completely unsympathetic to her self-imposed woe. I will never in a million years understand why people move away from their families.

I dunno. An hour each way doesn't seem so prohibitive. Also, can't she drive to visit you as well?

No, she can't drive that far anymore. Until a couple of years ago, she could drive comfortably during daylight hours. The only time the drive is an hour is on a holiday or at 8am on a weekend morning. In regular weekday traffic, it would be more than an hour each way. We work FT and have middle school aged kids. Weekends are packed and weeknights are non starter. If she lived in her old house, I could do things like go and pick her up for our child's school events or we could bring dinner to her house on a weeknight. Finishing dinner and driving 20 minutes home on a school night is a hell of a lot different than driving on 66 and back roads for an hour or more. And frankly my husband isn't interested in sacrificing his free time to schlep out and see his mother. I have too much on my plate to care more than he does about having a relationship with his mom so we see her when we can which is not nearly often enough for her liking and I am, admittedly, not sympathetic to her since she moved and we *begged* her not to.

[Anonymous]

^^And I will add that when she could drive here comfortably during daylight hours, she declined close to 99% of all invitations. She would accept an invitation if she knew my parents would also be attending, but that is about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Can your MIL really not understand why it's not as easy to visit her? Is it really just that you guys don't like her and don't want to bother? (Not blaming you; she sounds like she didn't factor your family in at all. Were there financial reasons she picked that location?) If her house was kid-friendly would you then go?
Can your MIL join you on vacation somewhere? I realize she'd still have to board the dog, but it would be a way to offer her another option for spending time with you, and it might be easier for her to get there.

(Btw, random and off-topic: when you stay in hotels, are you all in one room, or do you do two rooms with a parent in each room, or what?)

I"m the OP.
Thanks everyone for their thoughts.
To answer the above questions- we really hardly ever travel. We never have done the two rooms with a parent in each room, sometimes we get a big room that will allow 6, sometimes we get a suite, sometimes we get connecting rooms. Right now our kids are small enough that they are happy on the floor- this will probably change as they get bigger.

MIL kind of understands why its not easier to visit her- she just doesn't really care. So long as we don't go anywhere she is not to frustrated, she just gets upset when we visit DH's grandparents (which we have done 1 time since being a family of 6, and are planning another trip.)

At the risk of total outing myself- no there were not financial reasons why she picked her retirement location. Her retirement location is more expensive than where she was living. She basically thinks the world owes her because she was divorced against her will more than 30 years ago. Somehow retiring to a remote location is something in her mind she 'deserves' because she was divorced.

I'm a PP, and so what. SO WHAT? if you want to see her, you'll go. If you don't and your husband does, he'll go, maybe with kids. Who cares? You DO NOT HAVE TO GO.