Vacation time/money/extended family issues (really about relationships with in-laws.)
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Anonymous
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I think I need some objective outsider views, since I am neither objective or an outsider.
Critical facts; Family has 4 children- ranging in age from 4-7. Traveling by air is extremely challenging (although probably getting easier- we have not attempted it for a while.) DH is extremely close to his Grandparents, who are both still alive. They are aging and not in great health. They live (along with much of DH's extended family) on the west coast, in a town with an airport, but no direct flights from DC. So family can either fly direct and drive a few hours, or switch planes and fly directly into Grandparent's town. There are lots of appealing things to do within a few hours of Grandparents which allows for immediate family to also do a family vacation with a visit. DW has two living grandparents. She is not close to them, and is not at all interested in seeing them. Her Grandparents also are not interested in seeing the Grandchildren. Family had planned a visit to one Grandparent for a milestone birthday in the last year, but ended up being dis-invited from attending the celebration (they decided to make it an adults only affair) so did not go. DW's parents are divorced and live in separate remote locations. DW's mother moved to her remote location within the last few years, there is no family there. She chose to retire there of her own volition (ie no job change, etc.) Family has never gone to visit DW mother since they had children (couple did visit pre-children when DW mother lived in a different location.) In order for family to get to visit DW's mother, they would need to change planes and fly into a small airport with limited flights, then rent a car and drive for 1.5 hours- to get a direct flight would be an 6 hour drive. DW does not drive b/c of a medical condition. DW mother will not travel because of her dog. She has met her grandchildren on one occasion. She frequently complains that she does not have a relationship with her grandchildren. She has an immaculate house with a lot of valuable antiques. Her house and possessions are very important to her, and the appearance of her house is very important to her. 3 years ago the Family traveled to see DH's Grandparents for a milestone birthday with a large family event. They also did a family vacation at the time. DW's mother was furious that the family would travel to see DH's Grandparents, but not to see her. She repeatedly called on the family vacation and guilt tripped DW about being a bad daughter. Last year, DH told DW that there was another milestone event coming up for his Grandparents, and that he wanted to take the family to it. He told DW that if she thought family had to go to her mother's house, this was the summer to go. She declined, said it was to much effort and would not be enjoyable. She did not communicate this decision to her mother. The celebration of the milestone event has been cancelled due to DH Grandparents failing health. He still wants to take the family to see his grandparents one last time and would also do a family vacation. DW has mixed feelings, but is mostly worried about the reaction from her mother if they go see DH's Grandparents again. Realistically, family cannot afford the time or money to do two trips this year. I would be interested in any advice anyone had about navigating this situation. We are not looking to cast blame on anyone, but rather to work things out amicably. |
Anonymous
| Sorry, but why does DW's mom need to know anything about your vacation plans? They do not sound close. I would not tell her. Done. |
Anonymous
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Good lord, this could have been a 1 sentence post.
TL;DR: We want to visit DH's grandparents, but I'm afraid my mom will act petty & jealous. A: You're adults. Make decisions. You don't need to coddle your adult mother. |
Anonymous
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DW's mom does not get to make travel decisions for the family.
Do what works for you all. DW deals with her mom's guilt trip. Someone can only make you feel guilty if you let them. Figure out a way to get DW's mom and the dog to visit your house if you need to. |
Anonymous
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Tell Dw's mom that if she wants to see her grandchildren board the dog and get on a fucking plane.
Don't accept calls from DW's mom while on vacation on west coast. DW consider therapy to handle her crazy mom. |
Anonymous
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When my grandmother was dying, my sister and her husband chose to stay with GM. Her in-laws had the audacity to complain about it because my sis and BIL spent the additional time with our dying GM - a GM that we had lived less than 3 miles from our entire life. My sister handled -- she ignored their complaints until it just became too much and then blew up at them. Sis and BIL have since moved closer to our family; much further away from BILs family (all with his ok - he doesn't like them either)
Your MIL has no interest in seeing the family regularly - so her opinion doesn't count. |
Anonymous
| Why do you need to tell DW's mother about travel plans to see others? Not her business. |
Anonymous
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Don't tell the wife's mother about the plans. When/if she directly asks, "so when are you seeing son-in-law's family next?" reply that due to her reaction last time, you're not comfortable sharing travel schedules going forward - but you hope to see wife's mom soon. When would she like to visit?
OP, I get it. You're a family of 6 - flying anywhere is ridiculously expensive. If a single grandparent is physically able to travel to you, even if you buy her the ticket, it will cost you fractions less than if you all have to go out to her. We're in a similar boat and we pay for DH's parents to fly to us when they're willing. We've also gone out to see them, but it's just not financially possible for us to see them often if they're going to insist on us coming to them. For family functions on DH's side, he's gone out by himself when we couldn't afford to bring the whole family. That's another option for the husband's grandparents' big event coming up - have him go by himself. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like it's your DW issues. She needs to start to communicate clearly with her mother. It's a pain in the ass to get to you, I am worried about the kids being in your house with all that old shit you have, etc, etc. So what do you think the answers is mom? |
Anonymous
| don't tell her when you're travelling OR tell her when you're travelling and tell her if she wants to see your family to meet you at X location (in your grandparents town, or a nearby town.) She needs to do some of the legwork if she wants to see you. |
Anonymous
| Dying family members should always get first priority. Especially loving family members. Hopefully there will be more years for DW's mom, and once DH's grandparents are gone the family can schlep to her side, be at her beck and call, not touch her stuff and enjoy middle of nowhereville with ungrateful granny. |
Anonymous
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Why can't DW's mom come visit? Dogs can fly, get kenneled or travel in a car. I don't see the issue. Absolutely every member of my extended family has a dog and we all still travel constantly. She needs to travel because 6 people traveling vs 1 person traveling is a no brainer.
If DW doesn't want to visit her extended family, she needs to speak up and say that it's boring and she's not interested. Money and vacation time are both in short supply. DH and I are very fair with our parents though. We split holidays evenly and try not to show favoritism. My parents LOVE to travel though and we love to visit their hometown so we spend most of our annual leave on them. DH's family is much closer geographically and we spend more weekends with them though. They don't travel or like the same things we do. |
Anonymous
+1,000,000 You have 4 kids and this B is insisting that you visit her and refusing to visit you? I can't even. DW needs to be encouraged to maintain boundaries with her mom. Don't tell her you're going to visit other grandparents, and maintain that she is always welcome to visit you. Remind her that she did not take the family into account whatsoever when she chose her retirement location, so she can't expect a family of 6 to jump through hoops for selfish choices. |
Anonymous
+1 (million). Sometimes it takes an objective outsider to distill things down, but yeah, this is pretty basic. Why does DW's mother need to know where you're traveling, if you're not that close to her? Make your decision and stick with it. |
Anonymous
PS my mom is also acting like her retirement location is a choice she can make in vacuum and acting like it's all about her personal fantasy vision. I don't care what she does but I do tell her that I won't be sensitive to her complaints when she doesn't get to see her grandkids if she doesn't at least weigh my family's location (which is fixed due to work) as a serious consideration. |