Vacation time/money/extended family issues (really about relationships with in-laws.)

[Anonymous]

Thanks- this is OP. I really appreciate the thoughts. This was helpful in clarifying my thinking.

This one made me laugh

Anonymous wrote:Dying family members should always get first priority. Especially loving family members. Hopefully there will be more years for DW's mom, and once DH's grandparents are gone the family can schlep to her side, be at her beck and call, not touch her stuff and enjoy middle of nowhereville with ungrateful granny.

Yes- there is no 'real' reason that DW mother can't travel. Her excuses are 1) the dog and 2) that she lives in a remote location and it makes travel difficult because it is hard for her to get to the airport, etc.

[Anonymous]

Why the eff do people retire to such remote locations with no family nearby? I hope she has a plan when she's not mobile anymore and needs more care.

[Anonymous]

Sorry got too bored to read the whole thread.

But my advice: divide and conquer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dw's mom that if she wants to see her grandchildren board the dog and get on a fucking plane.

Don't accept calls from DW's mom while on vacation on west coast.

DW consider therapy to handle her crazy mom.

+1,000,000

You have 4 kids and this B is insisting that you visit her and refusing to visit you? I can't even.

DW needs to be encouraged to maintain boundaries with her mom. Don't tell her you're going to visit other grandparents, and maintain that she is always welcome to visit you. Remind her that she did not take the family into account whatsoever when she chose her retirement location, so she can't expect a family of 6 to jump through hoops for selfish choices.

This in a nutshell. If the mom lived an hour away and wanted to say you drop everything to see relatives across the country but never to see her, that would be one thing. But she has chosen to live somewhere difficult to get to plus has a dog that restricts her being to travel to you. My solution would be basically one person (me the daughter) can go out to see mom in remote location, maybe for Christmas we get mom an iPad so we can FaceTime with the kids and set up once a week time, maybe we coordinate/send a ticket for mom to visit but she obviously has to kennel the dog or work out a dog sitting swap with friends/neighbors, maybe can make plans to meet mom at a neutral vacation spot that perhaps has pet friendly accommodations. Jumping thru hoops to fly and drive 4 kids to a remote spot with nothing to do during our limited vacation time is a non-starter for me unless I'm from that town and love to go back or said relative is on their deathbed or it's a special occasion like all the family is coming in for the 90th birthday party and kids are welcome. And if I have offered many options to help build a relationship and the only one the person wants is the one that requires the most sacrifice from me and little to none from them, I have to question if they really truly want to build a closer relationship or just likes the idea of it or to feel like they can get someone to jump thru hoops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dw's mom that if she wants to see her grandchildren board the dog and get on a fucking plane.

Don't accept calls from DW's mom while on vacation on west coast.

DW consider therapy to handle her crazy mom.

+1,000,000

You have 4 kids and this B is insisting that you visit her and refusing to visit you? I can't even.

DW needs to be encouraged to maintain boundaries with her mom. Don't tell her you're going to visit other grandparents, and maintain that she is always welcome to visit you. Remind her that she did not take the family into account whatsoever when she chose her retirement location, so she can't expect a family of 6 to jump through hoops for selfish choices.

Having 4 kids, or any kids, is also a selfish choice, and OP probably didn't take family into account either. Having 4 kids means you maybe won't travel as much, and that's your problem. Why would anyone jump through hoops for YOUR choices either? Goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

PP, you've got it wrong. Grandma's refusal to travel has nothing to do with her DW's choice to have children. DW would love for her mom to visit. The trouble is, grandma's choice to live in the middle of nowhwere makes it difficult for any of her family to visit, and grandma complains that nobody visits her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you've got it wrong. Grandma's refusal to travel has nothing to do with her DW's choice to have children. DW would love for her mom to visit. The trouble is, grandma's choice to live in the middle of nowhwere makes it difficult for any of her family to visit, and grandma complains that nobody visits her.

Goes both ways, as I said. If her daughter had fewer children, maybe it wouldn't be as difficult. If it's too expensive for the whole family to go, the daughter could go by herself. Everyone makes choices. Some regret their choices after elders pass- maybe OP will be one.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. It seems like DW's mother is overdue for a visit. However, it sounds like an ordeal to visit DW's mother (and that DW doesn't have much desire to go), but if her house is immaculate you'd probably have to stay in a hotel. If the grandmother is cranky she doesn't have a relationship with the grandkids, why doesn't she get a dog sitter and make the trek herself? Because of the expense and distance, I don't think she should expect a visit more than every other year or every couple years if she's not going to travel herself. She chose to move far away and has to accept the consequences.

As for DH's grandparents, you just saw them but they may not be around much longer, so that's a good reason to go. If you see them again, then DW shouldn't tell her mother because she will be angry and hurt. That also puts off seeing DW's mother for another year due to expense, which is not that fair. I'd say, it's up to DW. Is DW okay with seeing DH's grandparents again? Does the whole family have to go every time? That would cut down on the expense. Maybe one spouse could take 2 kids and the other spouse and other 2 kids could stay home. Can you somehow encourage DW's mother to visit to save yourselves from the hassle of getting there?

[Anonymous]

My MIL left a fully paid off home 20-25 minutes away from us in regular traffic to move an hour away from us in Sunday morning traffic. We begged her not to make the move since we both work FT and have kids. Flash forward 10 years and we see her less than a handful of times per year. When we do see her, she bellyaches about how much she wishes she could see us more. She doesn't complain that much in front of me because I am completely unsympathetic to her self-imposed woe. I will never in a million years understand why people move away from their families.

[Anonymous]

My parents arr like this. They complain that they miss the grandkids so much and never see us, but they haven't been here to see us in two years. They live in Florida and think it's the greatest place ever and we should want to visit them there. DH hates Florida and didn't go on the last trip down. They moved there, so that's the consequences.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation.
In laws moved from a fully paid off home in a location near my parents across the country to a tiny home more than an hour outside of Palm Springs.
Their expectation is that we will visit every year and we won't, due to cost, vacation time and having to get a rental car/hotel which adds to the cost.
They justified their move as being closer to my BIL but he lives 4 hours away from the and is getting ready to have his first child.
They really don't get that he won't be able to continue his monthly visits.
And are bellyaching about how they can't afford to come see us now that they have a mortgage again. It's nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks- this is OP. I really appreciate the thoughts. This was helpful in clarifying my thinking.

This one made me laugh

Anonymous wrote:Dying family members should always get first priority. Especially loving family members. Hopefully there will be more years for DW's mom, and once DH's grandparents are gone the family can schlep to her side, be at her beck and call, not touch her stuff and enjoy middle of nowhereville with ungrateful granny.

Yes- there is no 'real' reason that DW mother can't travel. Her excuses are 1) the dog and 2) that she lives in a remote location and it makes travel difficult because it is hard for her to get to the airport, etc.

LOL...she thinks this makes it hard for her to travel but should be fine for your family of 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL left a fully paid off home 20-25 minutes away from us in regular traffic to move an hour away from us in Sunday morning traffic. We begged her not to make the move since we both work FT and have kids. Flash forward 10 years and we see her less than a handful of times per year. When we do see her, she bellyaches about how much she wishes she could see us more. She doesn't complain that much in front of me because I am completely unsympathetic to her self-imposed woe. I will never in a million years understand why people move away from their families.

I dunno. An hour each way doesn't seem so prohibitive. Also, can't she drive to visit you as well?

[Anonymous]

I'd definitely see the grandparents and look for other ways to enhance the relationship with inaccessible mom -- if she's willing to engage more. And, don't discuss your travel plans with mom.

Several years ago BIL called us to complain that our Xmas letter made it sound like we're closer with my family. Because we mentioned our vacation to see them and a couple visits to they made to us. Thing is, my family makes an effort to have that relationship with us. They fly across the country to see us and we do the same. ILs live a 3 hr drive away, never visit us (despite being invited) and have been known to leave town when we make plans to come down to see them. So, yes, we are closer to my family. Now they don't get our Xmas letter and we don't otherwise discuss our travel plans. Problem solved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell Dw's mom that if she wants to see her grandchildren board the dog and get on a fucking plane.

Don't accept calls from DW's mom while on vacation on west coast.

DW consider therapy to handle her crazy mom.

This.

Can your MIL really not understand why it's not as easy to visit her? Is it really just that you guys don't like her and don't want to bother? (Not blaming you; she sounds like she didn't factor your family in at all. Were there financial reasons she picked that location?) If her house was kid-friendly would you then go?
Can your MIL join you on vacation somewhere? I realize she'd still have to board the dog, but it would be a way to offer her another option for spending time with you, and it might be easier for her to get there.

(Btw, random and off-topic: when you stay in hotels, are you all in one room, or do you do two rooms with a parent in each room, or what?)