Petty yes, but I'm still bothered

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married for 12 years. I've been great friends with my MIL for many of those years. We recently had some issues come to a head--issues that I have tried to talk about over the past few years. What I've learned through this is, regardless of the friendship, I'm not her daughter and she's not my mother. Since I've accepted this, I'm much more relaxed about our overall relationship.

I guess I'm sharing this with you because of your "keeping score" comments. Maybe readjusting your expectations regarding the overall relationship (not just gift exchanges) would be helpful?

Would you mind sharing more with me? I do treat my MIL like a mother. You really hit the nail on the head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been married for 12 years. I've been great friends with my MIL for many of those years. We recently had some issues come to a head--issues that I have tried to talk about over the past few years. What I've learned through this is, regardless of the friendship, I'm not her daughter and she's not my mother. Since I've accepted this, I'm much more relaxed about our overall relationship.

I guess I'm sharing this with you because of your "keeping score" comments. Maybe readjusting your expectations regarding the overall relationship (not just gift exchanges) would be helpful?

Would you mind sharing more with me? I do treat my MIL like a mother. You really hit the nail on the head.

sure. what do you want to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

It isn't. It's a really cheap one. Totally not me, and she knows it. By the way, this is the second blanket I've received from her. A few years back she bought SIL a Ralph Lauren sweater and I received a fleece blanket. I was so confused then and a bit upset. I always thought that she should gift is equally as she does her own children. Even if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel awkward. I think it's just a recipe for disaster.

I'm beginning to see why there might be friction with your MIL. OP: I think you are keeping score too much here and inserting your expectations where they don't belong.

I do keep score, this is true. But she would never know it. I have never once had a conversation with her about this. I do have certain expectations for inlaw relationships. I think she should treat us as she would her own children (in the sense, I would never buy one kid a car and the other a bike, if they both were of the legal age to drive, if I did this, one would feel as if I'm favoring the other)

You're wrong about this though, frankly. You are not her kid. She has known her child 25 yrs+ longer than you -- that relationship is and should be stronger.

And since you do seem to be coming here with an open mind and want honest opinions, let me share mine: you are being unreasonable in your gift giving expectations. You are assuming that everyone approaches gift giving the same way you do, which they do not, and then you are judging them when they don't live up to your expectations. Not fair. Not healthy.

Thanks. I didn't explain that well. I don't exact her to treat is as she would her own children, as I agree, that bind is much stronger. But as for the relationship, I think it's wrong for her to not treat all of her daughter in laws equally at Christmas as she does her own kids. If she buys one DIL a scarf, it would seem unreasonable to buy the other diamond earrings in my opinion.

Okay, makes more sense, but it goes back to... you are keeping score too carefully. Keeping score isn't healthy. Maybe she does think she treats you all equally but is thinking more about the long game than the short game. Maybe last holiday your presents were nicer? Maybe she knows your SIL is struggling more financially and can't get nice stuff herself? Maybe she saw cute things that reminded her of SIL and just didn't see as much that struck her fancy for you? Maybe she understands your SIL's tastes better? So many different things that could be going on here. Sending you subtle messages that she's pissed at you seems pretty unlikely, but if that's your concern, again -- why can't you talk to her about the relationship and whatever happened that you think might have upset her?

Thanks. It is just speculation on my part. I can't say what her reasons are. Unfortunately, I can't talk to her. My husband's family never ever talks about anything. If I initiate a conversation it will only end up in a lot of hurt and a lot of arguing. I would rather speculate and vent on a board for answers than go up against her over what she may or may not be mad about. I have read this saying before on here. "This is not a hill I want to die on". In the end, talking about it will probably do more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been married for 12 years. I've been great friends with my MIL for many of those years. We recently had some issues come to a head--issues that I have tried to talk about over the past few years. What I've learned through this is, regardless of the friendship, I'm not her daughter and she's not my mother. Since I've accepted this, I'm much more relaxed about our overall relationship.

I guess I'm sharing this with you because of your "keeping score" comments. Maybe readjusting your expectations regarding the overall relationship (not just gift exchanges) would be helpful?

Would you mind sharing more with me? I do treat my MIL like a mother. You really hit the nail on the head.

sure. what do you want to know?

Thank you!
Are you close to your own Mom?
Have you ever gotten too close and regret it? (Forgot she wasn't your own mom)
Did you maintain a closeness to her after talking over the issues? If not, how did you change the relationship without it being so glaring?
I do believe I have an unhealthy relationship with My MIL, aside from the gift giving issue, I have known for some time that I need to back off a bit on my relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been married for 12 years. I've been great friends with my MIL for many of those years. We recently had some issues come to a head--issues that I have tried to talk about over the past few years. What I've learned through this is, regardless of the friendship, I'm not her daughter and she's not my mother. Since I've accepted this, I'm much more relaxed about our overall relationship.

I guess I'm sharing this with you because of your "keeping score" comments. Maybe readjusting your expectations regarding the overall relationship (not just gift exchanges) would be helpful?

Would you mind sharing more with me? I do treat my MIL like a mother. You really hit the nail on the head.

sure. what do you want to know?

Thank you!
Are you close to your own Mom?
Have you ever gotten too close and regret it? (Forgot she wasn't your own mom)
Did you maintain a closeness to her after talking over the issues? If not, how did you change the relationship without it being so glaring?
I do believe I have an unhealthy relationship with My MIL, aside from the gift giving issue, I have known for some time that I need to back off a bit on my relationship with her.

I am close with my own mom but my mom lives farther away, so my MIL is more local support.

Yes. To some degree. She discusses a lot of family business with me and we've discussed issues regarding my SIL (DH's sister). I regret the latter and try to steer conversations away from my SIL.

Yes, I think we are still close but the relationship is different. The change is probably pretty obvious but it's better for me and my family and my DH's family, so I'm ok with any hurt feelings. Also, I'm not being malicious or nasty about it, so I have a clear conscience. The biggest aspect that has changed is I'm no longer her sounding board for issues going on in the family (immediate and extended). I guess I also don't confide in her about things going on in my own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been married for 12 years. I've been great friends with my MIL for many of those years. We recently had some issues come to a head--issues that I have tried to talk about over the past few years. What I've learned through this is, regardless of the friendship, I'm not her daughter and she's not my mother. Since I've accepted this, I'm much more relaxed about our overall relationship.

I guess I'm sharing this with you because of your "keeping score" comments. Maybe readjusting your expectations regarding the overall relationship (not just gift exchanges) would be helpful?

Would you mind sharing more with me? I do treat my MIL like a mother. You really hit the nail on the head.

sure. what do you want to know?

Thank you!
Are you close to your own Mom?
Have you ever gotten too close and regret it? (Forgot she wasn't your own mom)
Did you maintain a closeness to her after talking over the issues? If not, how did you change the relationship without it being so glaring?
I do believe I have an unhealthy relationship with My MIL, aside from the gift giving issue, I have known for some time that I need to back off a bit on my relationship with her.

I am close with my own mom but my mom lives farther away, so my MIL is more local support.

Yes. To some degree. She discusses a lot of family business with me and we've discussed issues regarding my SIL (DH's sister). I regret the latter and try to steer conversations away from my SIL.

Yes, I think we are still close but the relationship is different. The change is probably pretty obvious but it's better for me and my family and my DH's family, so I'm ok with any hurt feelings. Also, I'm not being malicious or nasty about it, so I have a clear conscience. The biggest aspect that has changed is I'm no longer her sounding board for issues going on in the family (immediate and extended). I guess I also don't confide in her about things going on in my own life.

Thanks! I can relate to the discussion aspect regarding family etc. We discuss a lot of things. There's not much we don't share. A previous discussion is what I believe ruffled her feathers. It seems like she can speak to anything but those things are off limits for me.
I also believe that sharing so much is probably one of the reasons I feel so entitled in this whole gift giving fiasco. We are that close. I know it's wrong....the relationship, keeping score, etc. I am by no means perfect. I have my own mom and dad issues which is why I believe I have gotten so close to her. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

I came here to vent but I actually took something away from it. I didn't expect that at all. I'm going to work on lowering my expectations, and I'm also going to work on the dynamics of my relationship with MIL. It isn't healthy at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been married for 12 years. I've been great friends with my MIL for many of those years. We recently had some issues come to a head--issues that I have tried to talk about over the past few years. What I've learned through this is, regardless of the friendship, I'm not her daughter and she's not my mother. Since I've accepted this, I'm much more relaxed about our overall relationship.

I guess I'm sharing this with you because of your "keeping score" comments. Maybe readjusting your expectations regarding the overall relationship (not just gift exchanges) would be helpful?

Would you mind sharing more with me? I do treat my MIL like a mother. You really hit the nail on the head.

sure. what do you want to know?

Thank you!
Are you close to your own Mom?
Have you ever gotten too close and regret it? (Forgot she wasn't your own mom)
Did you maintain a closeness to her after talking over the issues? If not, how did you change the relationship without it being so glaring?
I do believe I have an unhealthy relationship with My MIL, aside from the gift giving issue, I have known for some time that I need to back off a bit on my relationship with her.

I am close with my own mom but my mom lives farther away, so my MIL is more local support.

Yes. To some degree. She discusses a lot of family business with me and we've discussed issues regarding my SIL (DH's sister). I regret the latter and try to steer conversations away from my SIL.

Yes, I think we are still close but the relationship is different. The change is probably pretty obvious but it's better for me and my family and my DH's family, so I'm ok with any hurt feelings. Also, I'm not being malicious or nasty about it, so I have a clear conscience. The biggest aspect that has changed is I'm no longer her sounding board for issues going on in the family (immediate and extended). I guess I also don't confide in her about things going on in my own life.

Thanks! I can relate to the discussion aspect regarding family etc. We discuss a lot of things. There's not much we don't share. A previous discussion is what I believe ruffled her feathers. It seems like she can speak to anything but those things are off limits for me.
I also believe that sharing so much is probably one of the reasons I feel so entitled in this whole gift giving fiasco. We are that close. I know it's wrong....the relationship, keeping score, etc. I am by no means perfect. I have my own mom and dad issues which is why I believe I have gotten so close to her. Thank you for sharing.

Sure thing! I hope it can help bring some peace to you!

Honestly, I was in a similar boat as you--I started feeling entitled to more than what I was getting. Thus, I felt hurt and bitter and I really did not like feeling or thinking like that--it's no way to live!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

wait, I think it's because the MIL is having difficulty with the other SIL so trying to get back on her good side, or mend fences with all the gifts to her. And MIL didn't realize that it looks like favoritism because she is only kissing up to one DIL.

[Anonymous]

Ummm, it's good you love her OP, but MIL does *not* sound like a nice person. What does DH have to say about this?

If MIL is trying to get your goat, don't give her the satisfaction. Donate the blanket (because any new blanket can be useful at a shelter) & put some distance between yourself and her for a while. Maybe if MIL sees you pulling back, she will change her tune. But anybody who behaves like this is not really worth your time in the first place.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised adults even notice what other adults receive. Truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

It isn't. It's a really cheap one. Totally not me, and she knows it. By the way, this is the second blanket I've received from her. A few years back she bought SIL a Ralph Lauren sweater and I received a fleece blanket. I was so confused then and a bit upset. I always thought that she should gift is equally as she does her own children. Even if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel awkward. I think it's just a recipe for disaster.

I'm beginning to see why there might be friction with your MIL. OP: I think you are keeping score too much here and inserting your expectations where they don't belong.

I do keep score, this is true. But she would never know it. I have never once had a conversation with her about this. I do have certain expectations for inlaw relationships. I think she should treat us as she would her own children (in the sense, I would never buy one kid a car and the other a bike, if they both were of the legal age to drive, if I did this, one would feel as if I'm favoring the other)

You're wrong about this though, frankly. You are not her kid. She has known her child 25 yrs+ longer than you -- that relationship is and should be stronger.


I fully agree with this even though I totally understand how you feel op

And since you do seem to be coming here with an open mind and want honest opinions, let me share mine: you are being unreasonable in your gift giving expectations. You are assuming that everyone approaches gift giving the same way you do, which they do not, and then you are judging them when they don't live up to your expectations. Not fair. Not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

Me too. Love them. How is this less personal than lotions, which I think are just tacky to give someone.

+ 1
I would much rather get a throw than a lotion and a dress.

[Anonymous]

MIL should never be your best friend nor should she being "sharing" any kind of relationship issues regarding SIL or other family members. It sounds to me like you have set up some boundaries with her and she is uncomfortable and the gift disparity is her way of pushing back. She got your message loud and clear. Do not bring it up to her and move on. Hopefully, you have never complained to her about other family members ... In person, I would turn on the kindness, but be wary.

[Anonymous]

Wait, is the SIL her daughter? Or is she another DIL? If it's her own daughter then I don't think there's anything wrong or unusual about her getting more gifts than you.