Petty yes, but I'm still bothered

[Anonymous]

Op, I was a high school exchange student 20 years ago, and I have truly learned that "blood is not water". i had a host family I was ready to embrace as my real one, but learned the hard way it was not the case. I had to switch families and the other one Truly did a lot of great things for me, but I adjusted expectations already and never forgot my place so to speak. We are still in touch with my host mom, I am more like her in my tastes and hobbies etc than her daughter, but her gifts to her daughter are way, way more expensive than her gifts to me. It really helps my reality check and prevents me from being carried away

[Anonymous]

SIL and I had babies around the same time; MIL gave her baby name-brand stuff and mine stuff from Target. Explanation was SIL cares about that stuff and I didn't (true to some extent -- just generally thrifty but would have appreciated a few nice things). I did see it as her tailoring her gifting to the individual and both kids ended up clothed so no big deal after the initial WTF.

[Anonymous]

OP- it sounds like your MIL gave you the best gift of all - a sign of her true character. I think a lot of posters here are trying to play devils advocate or want you to feel crazy, but it is a general social rule that you keep gifts equal across "same level" family members- if you are both DILs by marriage, it should be equal. . Either your MIL is socially inappropriate or as you are thinking, being passive aggressive. How would all of these posters feel if one grandchild got a much better present than other grandchildren? If you're an employer, giving one employee a much more expensive gift than the other employees? Feelings are feelings and if your gut says somethings wrong, it probably is. Consider this a learning lesson for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely close to my inlaws. So I'm not sure why my MIL would choose to buy me a blanket for Christmas but buy my SIL at least 5 nice items. I'm a heck of a lot closer to her. I didn't expect such an impersonal gift. We all open gifts together and needless to say, I was a bit embarrassed that I received a throw while my counterpart kept pulling out nice hand lotions, cosmetics and a dress. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but she made me feel like she was sending a message. I would've felt bad even if the tables were turned. I always go out of my way to buy gifts that will be appreciated. I take the recipient into mind as well as who will open up what where and in front of whom. Unfortunately, this happened on a few occasions. I don't know what gives. But I'm ready to get out of here. As much as I love MIL sometimes some of her actions seem a bit passive aggressive.

Your SIL is your MIL's daughter. You are not her "counterpart." You are your MIL's daughter-in-law. If you come to the table with that expectation instead of "I'm the exact same as a daughter," you'll probably be able to relax and go with the flow more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- it sounds like your MIL gave you the best gift of all - a sign of her true character. I think a lot of posters here are trying to play devils advocate or want you to feel crazy, but it is a general social rule that you keep gifts equal across "same level" family members- if you are both DILs by marriage, it should be equal. . Either your MIL is socially inappropriate or as you are thinking, being passive aggressive. How would all of these posters feel if one grandchild got a much better present than other grandchildren? If you're an employer, giving one employee a much more expensive gift than the other employees? Feelings are feelings and if your gut says somethings wrong, it probably is. Consider this a learning lesson for the future.

But they are not the same level - one is a daughter, OP is the DIL.

[Anonymous]

If you are this focused and needy when it comes to your relationship with your MIL, you honestly need to get a job or a hobby. I'm truly not saying that to be mean. It's just absolutely unusual and unhealthy for someone to be this focused on a MIL-DIL relationship. It sounds like you guys can coexist in a friendly, cordial way. That's success. Move on.

How is your relationship with your OWN mother and family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely close to my inlaws. So I'm not sure why my MIL would choose to buy me a blanket for Christmas but buy my SIL at least 5 nice items. I'm a heck of a lot closer to her. I didn't expect such an impersonal gift. We all open gifts together and needless to say, I was a bit embarrassed that I received a throw while my counterpart kept pulling out nice hand lotions, cosmetics and a dress. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but she made me feel like she was sending a message. I would've felt bad even if the tables were turned. I always go out of my way to buy gifts that will be appreciated. I take the recipient into mind as well as who will open up what where and in front of whom. Unfortunately, this happened on a few occasions. I don't know what gives. But I'm ready to get out of here. As much as I love MIL sometimes some of her actions seem a bit passive aggressive.

Your SIL is your MIL's daughter. You are not her "counterpart." You are your MIL's daughter-in-law. If you come to the table with that expectation instead of "I'm the exact same as a daughter," you'll probably be able to relax and go with the flow more.

Reading is fundamental. They are both DIL' s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely close to my inlaws. So I'm not sure why my MIL would choose to buy me a blanket for Christmas but buy my SIL at least 5 nice items. I'm a heck of a lot closer to her. I didn't expect such an impersonal gift. We all open gifts together and needless to say, I was a bit embarrassed that I received a throw while my counterpart kept pulling out nice hand lotions, cosmetics and a dress. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but she made me feel like she was sending a message. I would've felt bad even if the tables were turned. I always go out of my way to buy gifts that will be appreciated. I take the recipient into mind as well as who will open up what where and in front of whom. Unfortunately, this happened on a few occasions. I don't know what gives. But I'm ready to get out of here. As much as I love MIL sometimes some of her actions seem a bit passive aggressive.

Your SIL is your MIL's daughter. You are not her "counterpart." You are your MIL's daughter-in-law. If you come to the table with that expectation instead of "I'm the exact same as a daughter," you'll probably be able to relax and go with the flow more.

Reading is fundamental. They are both DIL' s.

READ THE THREAD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm extremely close to my inlaws. So I'm not sure why my MIL would choose to buy me a blanket for Christmas but buy my SIL at least 5 nice items. I'm a heck of a lot closer to her. I didn't expect such an impersonal gift. We all open gifts together and needless to say, I was a bit embarrassed that I received a throw while my counterpart kept pulling out nice hand lotions, cosmetics and a dress. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but she made me feel like she was sending a message. I would've felt bad even if the tables were turned. I always go out of my way to buy gifts that will be appreciated. I take the recipient into mind as well as who will open up what where and in front of whom. Unfortunately, this happened on a few occasions. I don't know what gives. But I'm ready to get out of here. As much as I love MIL sometimes some of her actions seem a bit passive aggressive.

Your SIL is your MIL's daughter. You are not her "counterpart." You are your MIL's daughter-in-law. If you come to the table with that expectation instead of "I'm the exact same as a daughter," you'll probably be able to relax and go with the flow more.

She's not MIL's daughter.

MIL has two sons. They are married to OP and SIL.

OP and SIL are both daughters-in-law to the MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

It isn't. It's a really cheap one. Totally not me, and she knows it. By the way, this is the second blanket I've received from her. A few years back she bought SIL a Ralph Lauren sweater and I received a fleece blanket. I was so confused then and a bit upset. I always thought that she should gift is equally as she does her own children. Even if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel awkward. I think it's just a recipe for disaster.

I'm beginning to see why there might be friction with your MIL. OP: I think you are keeping score too much here and inserting your expectations where they don't belong.

It's kind of weird to sit around the tree with everyone else getting expensive, designer things and you get a cheap throw that doesn't go with your bedroom or any other room in the house. Why? I don't think Op is saying that she expects expensive gifts, just not completely thoughtless gifts - "eh, I got this at the Secret Santa gift exchange at work. I didn't want it, so here ya go."

I think it's a statement of some sort - a slam. I don't think the Op is being overly sensitive. I also don't think that there is really anything that Op can say that wouldn't make herself look bad or greedy or ungrateful.

Sorry, I have no advice other than do not let this push you into feeling hurt and staying home and not celebrating the holidays with your husband and kids. It is very important that you hang in there for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

I would also much orefer the throw.

Unless we are talking about a college sweatshirt, the last thing I want my MIL picking out for me is clothes.

I have a vision of OPs sister in law posting here "Oh my gosh! My stupid MIL just spent a ton of money buying me lotion and an ugly dress that I wouldn't want to wear in a million years! Doesn't she know I am allergic to all non organic, humanely farmed scents and that I hate navy blue?!? I think she just picked those things because she wants me to look ugly so DH will divorce me and is also trying to give me a rash. SIL got a beautiful alpaca throw and I just got this stupid crap that MIL knows I hate. She actually made me try the lotion and mentioned I should wear the dress when we are forced to spend Mother's Day at her house instead of with MY mother. My husband said nothing of course and SIL just sat there smugly. I HATE my in laws!"

If we wait long enough I am sure some version of SILs post will pop up here too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The throw might be worth more or about the same as SILs gifts. I'd prefer a throw -- but I'm probably not normal. Was it really ugly or not your style?

I would also much orefer the throw.

Unless we are talking about a college sweatshirt, the last thing I want my MIL picking out for me is clothes.

I have a vision of OPs sister in law posting here "Oh my gosh! My stupid MIL just spent a ton of money buying me lotion and an ugly dress that I wouldn't want to wear in a million years! Doesn't she know I am allergic to all non organic, humanely farmed scents and that I hate navy blue?!? I think she just picked those things because she wants me to look ugly so DH will divorce me and is also trying to give me a rash. SIL got a beautiful alpaca throw and I just got this stupid crap that MIL knows I hate. She actually made me try the lotion and mentioned I should wear the dress when we are forced to spend Mother's Day at her house instead of with MY mother. My husband said nothing of course and SIL just sat there smugly. I HATE my in laws!"

If we wait long enough I am sure some version of SILs post will pop up here too.

All of these clothes are 2 sizes too big and these lotions - Dolce and Gabbana? Chanel? WTF?? She knows I only like Bath and Body Works!! Boxes and boxes of this crap. In the meantime,
SIL gets that beautiful throw that I've been eyeing at CVS for a month - it looks like genuine giraffe hide. I am sooo jealous.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she is giving you gifts she genuinely thinks you'd like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she is giving you gifts she genuinely thinks you'd like.

Op got one cheap throw. I agree that a throw is not a bad gift and you don't have to pay$$$ to get a good one. However...

Would you feel comfortable giving one of your own DILs a cheap throw, while giving the other DIL boxes of designer clothes and lotions.

I, personally, would feel uncomfortable doing that. At the same time, Op is not the one who DID this. So Op does not need to worry about it. Not even a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she is giving you gifts she genuinely thinks you'd like.

Op got one cheap throw. I agree that a throw is not a bad gift and you don't have to pay$$$ to get a good one. However...

Would you feel comfortable giving one of your own DILs a cheap throw, while giving the other DIL boxes of designer clothes and lotions.

I, personally, would feel uncomfortable doing that. At the same time, Op is not the one who DID this. So Op does not need to worry about it. Not even a little.

But it's possible that, like with the baby gifts, she thinks SIL is more pretentious and would care about getting designer lotions. She may consider OP to be "above" that and that she'd be comfortable with a less showy gift. My MIL would not get my SIL designer things, not because she doesn't like her, but because SIL doesn't care about the designer items. But I like them, so she might get them for me with no ill intent towards SIL.