Help me come up with ways of coping with my mil

[Anonymous]

One thing you realize when you get older and hopefully, more mature, is that most of the stuff that you think is so important and such a hill to die on doesn't really make a damn bit of difference. I wish I had known this which I was first married and started a family. Reading these treads and looking back at how I handled issues with my own mil when I was younger makes me really dread being mil some day. Seriously, ladies. Not everyone is borderline or narcissistic. Neither are they always out to get you. Your in-laws and and even your parents, were born of a different generation, had different norms and different ideas of parenting and relationships. Your kids will think the same of you some day. Give it a rest. Raise your kids as you see fit. Don't look for offense in every word, action and deed and seriously, stop the armchair diagnosis. Most things are seriously not worth the drama shown on this board. I can only assume most of you are very young. For the wealth of education in the area there is a tremendous amount of immaturity.

[Anonymous]

Who listens to *anything* their MIL says? I haven't heard a word my MIL has said in 10 years since I started tuning her out.

MIL: Purple martians are coming to dinner!
Me: Oh?
MIL: I love eating raw livers!
Me: Mmmmmmhmmm.

And so on. Stop listening. Don't engage. Use the following phrases on shuffle:

Oh?
Mmmmhmmm
Really?
My my!
Wow!
Huh
Hmmm
You don't say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing you realize when you get older and hopefully, more mature, is that most of the stuff that you think is so important and such a hill to die on doesn't really make a damn bit of difference. I wish I had known this which I was first married and started a family. Reading these treads and looking back at how I handled issues with my own mil when I was younger makes me really dread being mil some day. Seriously, ladies. Not everyone is borderline or narcissistic. Neither are they always out to get you. Your in-laws and and even your parents, were born of a different generation, had different norms and different ideas of parenting and relationships. Your kids will think the same of you some day. Give it a rest. Raise your kids as you see fit. Don't look for offense in every word, action and deed and seriously, stop the armchair diagnosis. Most things are seriously not worth the drama shown on this board. I can only assume most of you are very young. For the wealth of education in the area there is a tremendous amount of immaturity.

+1 (and before someone accuses me of being a "horrible" MIL, i'm under 40).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing you realize when you get older and hopefully, more mature, is that most of the stuff that you think is so important and such a hill to die on doesn't really make a damn bit of difference. I wish I had known this which I was first married and started a family. Reading these treads and looking back at how I handled issues with my own mil when I was younger makes me really dread being mil some day. Seriously, ladies. Not everyone is borderline or narcissistic. Neither are they always out to get you. Your in-laws and and even your parents, were born of a different generation, had different norms and different ideas of parenting and relationships. Your kids will think the same of you some day. Give it a rest. Raise your kids as you see fit. Don't look for offense in every word, action and deed and seriously, stop the armchair diagnosis. Most things are seriously not worth the drama shown on this board. I can only assume most of you are very young. For the wealth of education in the area there is a tremendous amount of immaturity.

Hill to Die On Poster is always yapping 'bout Hills to Die On...

[Anonymous]

OP here. To the hill to die on poster - I'm 40. We've been married 12 years. Dated for 3 years before that. My mil has been a toxic presence throughout that time. It's only that I finally realized how deeply it's affecting our (crappy) marriage bc so much of dh's existence is about making her happy. When I was younger, I tried to make her like me, I complained about her, I yelled at dh... Now, because I don't have the kind of partner I want in my life, we're in therapy. She truly has mental health issues - probably similar to other older people, who didn't have access to mental health care.
Like I said, we're in therapy. I don't want to divorce without giving it my best shot, but therapy is slow.

So, I just got on here to see if I could get an advice to cope with a 5 day trip to our house.

[Anonymous]

take your kids to mcdonald's tonight for dinner so when she asks when they went last, you can say "yesterday!" and say it with a big smile!

[Anonymous]

How about you just mess with her? Just agree with everything she says and expand! When she says you should go to McDonald's. .."yes, MIL! You are right. I am going to start taking them every Tuesday and Thursday! What a great idea!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:take your kids to mcdonald's tonight for dinner so when she asks when they went last, you can say "yesterday!" and say it with a big smile!

+1

Agree with the poster above, it's easiest just to let it wash over you OR to mess with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I used to get feedback from my younger friends and coworkers about my "advice" to them. See, sometimes they would tell me their problems or issues. I had to learn NOT to talk, not to give advice, just to listen. I am not NPD or Borderline, though. I have a doctorate, and a lot of experience and sometimes it is frustrating watching younger people fret about issues, and you want to offer advice. Is it possible you are venting your issues or problems to her? Try not to do that. She is a physician and strangers pay her for her advice.

[Anonymous]

How about the Opposite of having a conversation with her? Can you studuiusly avoid her and be busy with other people or your kids? Is there anyone in the family you like?

Also you could try the therapist treatment, parroting her statements as questions or comments to acknowledge them without adding anything at allHow about the Opposite of having a conversation with her? Can you studuiusly avoid her and be busy with other people or your kids? Is there anyone in the family you like?

Also you could try the therapist treatment, parroting her statements as questions or comments to acknowledge them without adding anything at all[/quote]

I agree. I've found this approach very effective whether it's with my kids, co-workers or DH. You're not agreeing, just indicating you heard what was said. I can do it now without thought! IT's a very useful skill to have!

[Anonymous]

How about the Opposite of having a conversation with her? Can you studuiusly avoid her and be busy with other people or your kids? Is there anyone in the family you like?

Also you could try the therapist treatment, parroting her statements as questions or comments to acknowledge them without adding anything at allHow about the Opposite of having a conversation with her? Can you studuiusly avoid her and be busy with other people or your kids? Is there anyone in the family you like?

Also you could try the therapist treatment, parroting her statements as questions or comments to acknowledge them without adding anything at all

I agree. I've found this approach very effective whether it's with my kids, co-workers or DH. You're not agreeing, just indicating you heard what was said. I can do it now without thought! IT's a very useful skill to have!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the hill to die on poster - I'm 40. We've been married 12 years. Dated for 3 years before that. My mil has been a toxic presence throughout that time. It's only that I finally realized how deeply it's affecting our (crappy) marriage bc so much of dh's existence is about making her happy. When I was younger, I tried to make her like me, I complained about her, I yelled at dh... Now, because I don't have the kind of partner I want in my life, we're in therapy. She truly has mental health issues - probably similar to other older people, who didn't have access to mental health care.
Like I said, we're in therapy. I don't want to divorce without giving it my best shot, but therapy is slow.

So, I just got on here to see if I could get an advice to cope with a 5 day trip to our house.

The problem here is not your mil. It is your husband. Put the blame where he blame is due.

[Anonymous]

Another nod, half smile/closed mouth, mmmmhhhh daughter in law here.

I completely ignore what she says and use those 3 things to make a polite interaction.
She continues to go on and on, and I murmur pleasantly.
Oh and "hmmm, I'm not sure...." And let it trail off when asked a direct question about anything, then look down.

From "why is DC crying" to "when did you feed him last" to "can you believe the Indians are taking over downtown" and "did you hear about what XYz politician said"
I seriously have not said anything but the above 4 things for years. Years. And it's fine.
It took a lot of practice and completely disengaging from caring about what she thought of me and my decisions but 4 years later I'm there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing you realize when you get older and hopefully, more mature, is that most of the stuff that you think is so important and such a hill to die on doesn't really make a damn bit of difference. I wish I had known this which I was first married and started a family. Reading these treads and looking back at how I handled issues with my own mil when I was younger makes me really dread being mil some day. Seriously, ladies. Not everyone is borderline or narcissistic. Neither are they always out to get you. Your in-laws and and even your parents, were born of a different generation, had different norms and different ideas of parenting and relationships. Your kids will think the same of you some day. Give it a rest. Raise your kids as you see fit. Don't look for offense in every word, action and deed and seriously, stop the armchair diagnosis. Most things are seriously not worth the drama shown on this board. I can only assume most of you are very young. For the wealth of education in the area there is a tremendous amount of immaturity.

+1 (and before someone accuses me of being a "horrible" MIL, i'm under 40).

+1

[Anonymous]

My mother is this way. This is what helped me:

Limit contact. 5 days is too many.
Boundaries. Read the book.
Don't share anything personal with her. Become a master at engaged watching. Don't disengage from what's going on around you, just watch like you're not part of the drama. Stay calm and don't get pulled in. Breathe.
Start a meditation practice so that you can center yourself when the going gets tough. People like his can make you think you're crazy but if you're self-aware it won't get to you as much.