Help me come up with ways of coping with my mil

[Anonymous]

She's quite toxic. Narcissistic and maybe even a little borderline. She passively criticizes me and openly criticized me. Sometimes it feels like she just takes the opposite stance from me on everything. Right now, she's hard core into telling us that our kids eat too little fast food - that it's not normal to eat so little McDonalds. Mind you, she's a physician and yet, has either a poor understanding or nutrition or just wants to clash with me.

Dh is no help. He basically falls into whatever in laws want and then almost gangs up on me "hey, why don't you let the kids go to McDonalds more often? Why do you send a fruit every day?"

We are in counseling, but, frankly, have not made it to the in law issues yet.

So give me your best non alcoholic coping mechanisms! One holiday, I posted all her crazy on a single thread on dcum and felt supported that way. Another year, I texted a friend with all the insane quotes "you know that ear rings will permanently damage the 8yr olds earlobes, don't you. Earrings pull the earlobe down. She's becoming disfigured."

I'd love more ideas. My individual therapist said I need to let it wash over me and not affect me, but it's so boring and so painful.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should dial down being intense.

[Anonymous]

You might begin by staying off social media and actually having a conversation with her about some topic of interest to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should dial down being intense.

Op here - I've tried, I promise. I don't talk obsessively about food, nor do I make it a big deal. She'll do things like directly ask how many times the kids went to McDonald's last month and I'll say, oh I'm not sure. We don't go very much. In a neutral voice and it turns into "don't you know organic has no nutritional value? You waste your money cooking that food for them. I don't know why you bother."

Of course, I get run down and generally end up zinging her eventually. To the earring comment, I replied - that's not true.

[Anonymous]

Link to your previous thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might begin by staying off social media and actually having a conversation with her about some topic of interest to her.

op here - I've tried this. I just eventually have to retest to the bathroom to catch a break.

[Anonymous]

How about the Opposite of having a conversation with her? Can you studuiusly avoid her and be busy with other people or your kids? Is there anyone in the family you like?

Also you could try the therapist treatment, parroting her statements as questions or comments to acknowledge them without adding anything at all.

[Anonymous]

Don't engage, OP. That's what they need. Just nod, smile, and say something bland and noncommittal to everything she says.

[Anonymous]

She is an idiot and your DH standing with her and not you is a problem.

Stick with the counseling.

[Anonymous]

Employ the "nod and smile", OP. Also do the "I'll definitely think about that."

But DO let it wash over you. Don't absorb what she says. If a crazy homeless person shouted something offensive at you, you wouldn't take it in. She's just ... not homeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Employ the "nod and smile", OP. Also do the "I'll definitely think about that."

But DO let it wash over you. Don't absorb what she says. If a crazy homeless person shouted something offensive at you, you wouldn't take it in. She's just ... not homeless.

+1

[Anonymous]

My own mother makes crazy, nasty comments, and I definitely do NOT nod and smile. Why on earth would I model such abject behavior to my kids?

I DO ignore her as much as possible. Change the subject, pretend not to hear, have a conversation with someone else. The trick is to never be alone with her!

And I would really, really explode at DH if he ever supported such behavior.

Good luck, OP. The husband problem sounds dire.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the nod and smile. She wants to pick fights with you so agree with what she says and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

OP my MIL is the exact same way. Narcissistic and a bit borderline. My DH goes back and forth between saying she is the biggest bi*** ever to vehemently defending her. It's awful. For the past couple of years I have been completely ignoring her. I spend as much time as possible with the kids and other inlaws in another room. I sit at the opposite end of the table at dinner. It is as if she does not exist. My DH thinks it's great because there is no conflict. They want to upset you so no acknowledgement or reaction shuts them down. When she is talking at dinner I do not even look at her. Some of her comments still bother me but I don't give her the satisfaction of any acknowledgement or reaction. Her other DIL and SIL do basically the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Your best coping mechanism is to unclench. Kids don't need fruit every day, so your understanding of nutrition is hardly stellar. Your therapist is right on the money, and you should listen to her.