Help me come up with ways of coping with my mil

[Anonymous]

If she is indeed NPD, your DH has been trained his whole life to MAKE HER HAPPY. That takes a long time to undo--if he even recognizes it at this point. Stick with the therapy, and do whatever you can to keep yourself sane. I'd love to read your zingers!

My best strategy for dealing with an NPD (mother) is to keep visits time-limited and on neutral territory. We will be joining the family for Christmas dessert at my sister's house. 2 hours max. No way would we be there for the two whole days of crazy.

[Anonymous]

My MIL isn't NPD, but she's nuts and says things to elicit a reaction. The only way I don't snap is to keep a "note" on my phone. Every time she says something ridiculous (like "I should bring my friend Sally with me next time I visit you because she is great at cleaning up people's houses...on a day when my own lovely, competent housekeeper was cleaning my house) I said - one second, I need to write something down. It was passive aggressive on my part, I know, but it wasn't outright rude, which was the alternative. My husband thought it was sort of funny and his mom is so dense and in her own world that I'm not sure she even caught on. Now I have this running list of amazing things she says!

[Anonymous]

I posted this on another thread- but I try to predict the things my MIL will say ( I'm expecting, so recently she asked if by not eating lunch meats and other no-no pregnancy foods, I was actually putting the baby at higher risk of autism) so that I can get over it before I'm actually in front of her. If I can think about how crazy things are before they're actually about me, it's easier to just let them slide. I agree that the answer is to eventually just do the smile and nod-- but I know that it's hard to get to that point.

[Anonymous]

Smile and nod. When she says "on my, organic is such bullshit! you are wasting your money" just say "hmm". "There's no reason you shouldn't take your kids to McD's" you say "I'll think about that". She says "you should give them cocoa puffs for breakfast" and you go "ha" smile, turn away.

Do not engage. If you defend your choices, you are playing her game. If you MUST say something back, try asking a question making them validate their advice. Something like "oh why do you say that?" or "what makes you say that?" or "interesting, I'd never heard that".

[Anonymous]

I have a horrible MIL also, so I can relate. I would try to limit the time spent at her house as much as possible. Sorry, I don't have any good advice to offer you. Next week we are staying with friends who happen to be in the neighborhood where MIL lives and will be doing a quick drop in. I'm sorry but if you refuse to turn on the heat (obviously this winter has been unseasonably warm but previous ones up in Boston not so much...) past 60 so that your 2 yr old granddaughter wakes up with ice cold hands and you can practically see your breath when you talk, we're not bringing two young kids to stay over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your best coping mechanism is to unclench. Kids don't need fruit every day, so your understanding of nutrition is hardly stellar. Your therapist is right on the money, and you should listen to her.

You are an idiot. Why did you weigh in and waste OP's time?

[Anonymous]

Remind yourself the she is mentally ill, and that will help you disregard what she says. Keep live tweeting it to a friend or two. Every time she says something annoying, put a quarter in a jar, and after she leaves spend the money on a little splurge for yourself. (Go get rolls of quarters at the bank!) After the holidays you and DH should address this, since it sounds like he gets sucked into her crazy.

[Anonymous]

Ignoring jabs and showing a calm, cool exterior to her is truly the best revenge.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking the crazy is the one posting.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is also toxic. Both DH and I made the decision that I do not need to interact with her anymore. If she wants to see the kids, DH coordinates and takes her. At events where we all have to be together (e.g., Thanksgiving), I do not talk with her at all. I keep busy with other things and ignore. Makes everyone's life (including MIL's) so much better. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your best coping mechanism is to unclench. Kids don't need fruit every day, so your understanding of nutrition is hardly stellar. Your therapist is right on the money, and you should listen to her.

You are an idiot. Why did you weigh in and waste OP's time?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's quite toxic. Narcissistic and maybe even a little borderline. She passively criticizes me and openly criticized me. Sometimes it feels like she just takes the opposite stance from me on everything. Right now, she's hard core into telling us that our kids eat too little fast food - that it's not normal to eat so little McDonalds. Mind you, she's a physician and yet, has either a poor understanding or nutrition or just wants to clash with me.

Dh is no help. He basically falls into whatever in laws want and then almost gangs up on me "hey, why don't you let the kids go to McDonalds more often? Why do you send a fruit every day?"

We are in counseling, but, frankly, have not made it to the in law issues yet.

So give me your best non alcoholic coping mechanisms! One holiday, I posted all her crazy on a single thread on dcum and felt supported that way. Another year, I texted a friend with all the insane quotes "you know that ear rings will permanently damage the 8yr olds earlobes, don't you. Earrings pull the earlobe down. She's becoming disfigured."

I'd love more ideas. My individual therapist said I need to let it wash over me and not affect me, but it's so boring and so painful.[/quote] Why are you wasting your money on therapy if you aren't going to listen to her advice? One thing you realize when you get older and hopefully, more mature, is that most of the stuff that you think is so important and such a hill to die on doesn't really make a damn bit of difference. I wish I had known this which I was first married and started a family. Reading these treads and looking back at how I handled issues with my own mil when I was younger makes me really dread being mil some day. Seriously, ladies. Not everyone is borderline or narcissistic. Neither are they always out to get you. Your in-laws and and even your parents, were born of a different generation, had different norms and different ideas of parenting and relationships. Your kids will think the same of you some day. Give it a rest. Raise your kids as you see fit. Don't look for offense in every word, action and deed and seriously, stop the armchair diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

I find that it is just best to limit my exposure to people like this. Make your stay as short as possible. Maybe your DH can take the kids separately and you can join for only a little?

I don't see much in the way that will be successful with this woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your best coping mechanism is to unclench. Kids don't need fruit every day, so your understanding of nutrition is hardly stellar. Your therapist is right on the money, and you should listen to her.

You are an idiot. Why did you weigh in and waste OP's time?

+1

Perhaps, because she need to unclench which is precisely what the therapist is more artfully saying...

[Anonymous]

Resort to brief answers. Nod, let things slide and don't engage or argue.