Reply to Who's In Charge of Maintaining Family Relationships?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again, with an Xmas eve update.  We're having a very quiet, relaxing holiday week (which is awesome, but not the point of this post). It was not really planned that way, but more due to a lack of anyone on either side taking initiative to make big plans (we're Jewish, so it's not like Christmas is a thing in either of our families, but whatever).  My MIL is alone in her city, we're home in ours, and BIL and SIL are at home alone in theirs - no one is together for the holiday week. It becomes abundantly clear that this would have been a great time to get together with my DH's side of family - if only someone had taken it upon themselves to initiate the plans.  This dawns on DH literally just this afternoon, as we take our DD to the playground and Chinese food just the three of us. He picks a fight with me about why we always spend time with my family and not his, I tell him that [b]it's his job to make plans with his family and that really he's just mad at himself for not being better at staying connected and planning ahead, [/b]fight ensues with his usual failure to take responsibility for himself, etc.  So, lovely.  Merry, happy, everyone![/quote]

It is his job.  Why does he think otherwise?[/quote]

Okay, so it's his job.  Granted.  Why is there such a whiff of passive-aggressive glee about this?  As if you would rather he fucked up (you were counting on it even) to have such an awesome, quiet, relaxing holiday week.  [/quote]

Because over the long haul bearing all of the burden of emotional labor creates resentment and is damaging to the marital relationship.  It seems that the people (husbands generally) who do not recognize emotional labor for what it is need to see the impact of it going undone in order to make any changes going forward.[/quote]

What does this even mean?  It sounds like more passive-aggressive martyr speak.  Part of the "long haul" is recognizing that there are some things in a partnership that one partner is not good at and one partner is.  And setting up one partner for failure and an entire extended family for conflict because of "emotional labor" issues instead of working out practical solutions is really dumb.  But you go ahead and wear your martyr robes.[/quote]

It's not about being a martyr.  It is about creating true partnerships.

I make 2x what my DH does, and work longer hours.  Why should I be required to do the work of maintains all family connections as well?[/quote]

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