If you cut off or are estranged from a family member, what was the final straw? Turning point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Insight from the other side:

My SIL and brother cut ties with my family because my husband did not call them from the delivery room after the birth of our 2nd child. They said since we did not have the decency to call them immediately we obviously did not consider them family so that would be the last we would be hearing from them. I was always kind to my SIL, but I guess she might have had issues with us that I was oblivious of as to make a break. My parents and siblings are devastated that our family is broken.

I miss my brother very much, and have tried to reach out but my SIL wants no contact and I don't want to put my brother in that situation. The ball is in his court.

If your story is true and this came out of nowhere, there is something very wrong with your brother. He's either a complete asshole (which you would probably know by now) or in an abusive situation.

It rarely comes out of nowhere. It's not unusual for a last straw to be insignificant sounding. But what people don't realize is that it's one thing in a long list of grievances that have not been addressed.

Exactly. If the people on the other side of the story would be asked why all the people posting in this thread don't speak to them, I'm sure it would be some innocent reason that is jaded. It's all in the eye of the beholder.
You may think he cut ties because of lack of one phonecall, but I bet if he was asked, there'd be more to the story.

PP here -- I hope there is more to the story, but I would appreciate knowing the other details if they existed, but did not get a response. I called in the morning after breakfast (baby was born at 4am), which is when everyone was called. I just hope one day hearts can be mended, I miss my brother, and my children would love to see their cousins. Such a sad situation.

I guess the bottom line is -- if someone asks why, please respond. Thanks for letting me hijack this thread for a bit by sharing the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Insight from the other side:

My SIL and brother cut ties with my family because my husband did not call them from the delivery room after the birth of our 2nd child. They said since we did not have the decency to call them immediately we obviously did not consider them family so that would be the last we would be hearing from them. I was always kind to my SIL, but I guess she might have had issues with us that I was oblivious of as to make a break. My parents and siblings are devastated that our family is broken.

I miss my brother very much, and have tried to reach out but my SIL wants no contact and I don't want to put my brother in that situation. The ball is in his court.

If your story is true and this came out of nowhere, there is something very wrong with your brother. He's either a complete asshole (which you would probably know by now) or in an abusive situation.

It rarely comes out of nowhere. It's not unusual for a last straw to be insignificant sounding. But what people don't realize is that it's one thing in a long list of grievances that have not been addressed.

Exactly. If the people on the other side of the story would be asked why all the people posting in this thread don't speak to them, I'm sure it would be some innocent reason that is jaded. It's all in the eye of the beholder.
You may think he cut ties because of lack of one phonecall, but I bet if he was asked, there'd be more to the story.

PP here -- I hope there is more to the story, but I would appreciate knowing the other details if they existed, but did not get a response. I called in the morning after breakfast (baby was born at 4am), which is when everyone was called. I just hope one day hearts can be mended, I miss my brother, and my children would love to see their cousins. Such a sad situation.

I guess the bottom line is -- if someone asks why, please respond. Thanks for letting me hijack this thread for a bit by sharing the other side.

I'm really sorry OP. It seems to me if you had called at 4 am they would have been just as weird. Good grief. Some of these stories are insane.

[Anonymous]

No final straw. I was tired of the way my father twisted events in his mind, of his negative comments, and of managing his emotional tirades. What started out as a break from him became five years of little communication beyond "I love you, but I need a break." I reconnected when DC was born. I regret it.

I do love my father. But maintaining a relationship with him requires an unending amount of energy. I am at peace with the distance.

[Anonymous]

My father just engaged in one too many vicious, insult-hurling tirades. That argument didn't need to go that way but he somehow always managed to be as angry, mean, and cruel as possible. Then, he'd call at some later point w/o apology and act like nothing happened. Rinse and repeat.

I was just done. In that moment, I knew I was done. He showed up unannounced after that at a major family event that he gave no indicated he'd attend. We accommodated him being there so as not to make a scene. But, that was just the nail in the coffin. He proved for the last time was a controlling, manipulative asshole he was/is.

I'm sad I don't have a normal relationship with a functional father. But, what I have is better than what I had. So, I haven't looked back since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Insight from the other side:

My SIL and brother cut ties with my family because my husband did not call them from the delivery room after the birth of our 2nd child. They said since we did not have the decency to call them immediately we obviously did not consider them family so that would be the last we would be hearing from them. I was always kind to my SIL, but I guess she might have had issues with us that I was oblivious of as to make a break. My parents and siblings are devastated that our family is broken.

I miss my brother very much, and have tried to reach out but my SIL wants no contact and I don't want to put my brother in that situation. The ball is in his court.

We've got something similar.

[Anonymous]

Mother who will not acknowledge the hurt and abuse she's inflicted on me. Doesn't treat me like her daughter - kicked me out at thirteen (chose stepdad, who cheated on her and divorced her, over me), never guided me as to how to be a woman, didn't help with tuition, getting started in the world, career advice. Didn't speak to me for a year - for no reason. When I said I wanted a close relationship, didn't change anything. Basically fails to acknowledge my presence whenever I see her (no hug, no "how are you?"). So narcissistic and threatened by me there is nothing - nothing - affirming about the relationship. She became interested in me again only after I got married and had a kid.

Sorry, ma. Too little, too late.

[Anonymous]

Cut off mother who I never saw after my parents divorced, after she was to busy to see me years later when I was in her state and 1 hour away.

Finally blocked phone calls from alcoholic sister after she progressed from calling me horrible names to starting to leave nasty messages about my husband and children who she had never met.

[Anonymous]

I read through four years of emails from my brother and realized that during all that time he'd not written a single word of support or encouragement to me. All his emails were derisive or sneering, denigrating or downright abusive! Who needs such toxicity? Not me. I stopped contacting him, and of course, he's never so much as sent me an email since then. It's been five years, and it hurts not to see him, but not as much as it did when I did see him. Sometimes you have to let go of a person you love when that person hurts you too much.

[Anonymous]

I now realize that my father has mental health issues, but I didn't know this growing up. My brother committed suicide, probably attributable somewhat to his interactions with my dad. This is confirmed by journals I found after his death. (And yes, I realize that nobody can cause you to take your life, and that he didn't avail himself of help during the times he needed it. But it was heartbreaking to read his journal.)

So much pain. I just need to focus on the good for self preservation, and that means not having my dad in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's difficult to find a last straw, because we never felt we had a relationship with my B/SIL. They never visited and my brother would phone or email maybe once a year from his office. Their children were strangers to us and would never speak to my child, who idolized them because they were older. It is terribly hard for us to travel because my DC is physically disabled. We would ask them to assist us with hotel arrangements, etc., and they would do nothing. Finally we all met up and they chose a restaurant where we could not join them at the table because it could not accommodate my DC's wheelchair. We were literally sitting by ourselves at a separate table! My husband and I looked at each other and said "We are never coming back." And we haven't. I don't know if they have noticed. I don't care. My parents are very upset but I don't see a path to a relationship where none has ever been formed.

How sad. What kind of jerks do not do everything possible to accommodate a child in these circumstances? I'm sorry PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read through four years of emails from my brother and realized that during all that time he'd not written a single word of support or encouragement to me. All his emails were derisive or sneering, denigrating or downright abusive! Who needs such toxicity? Not me. I stopped contacting him, and of course, he's never so much as sent me an email since then. It's been five years, and it hurts not to see him, but not as much as it did when I did see him. Sometimes you have to let go of a person you love when that person hurts you too much.

Do we have the same brother??

I kept a relationship with my brother for a long time, because I had the importance of "family" drilled into my head. But I learned a few years ago, that "family" doesn't mean a green light to criticize, demean, judge, pressure, nitpick, all the time, about everything, forever.

I have a great relationship with my sisters, thankfully. I like them not because we're "family" but because they're decent, nice, funny people aside from being related. I've come to accept that it's ok to not like my brother. I really, really don't like him as a person. Even with things outside of our (now nonexistent) relationship.

There have been other things that caused me to lose a tremendous amount of respect for him. At this point I honestly don't know if I love him, outside of the dislike. To "love" someone to me means that I value and respect them. I wish I had a brother that was kind, reliable, honest, and not relentlessly manipulative. I would want nothing more. But that person doesn't exist. It's a figment I held on to for a long time. I miss the idea of my brother. I don't miss the reality of him.

[Anonymous]

when BIL had a screaming tantrum against my husband and threatened to kill him. We have to pretend it never happened and host them whenever they feel like visiting. I am as cordial as I can be, but I loathe them. I'm not even sure if his wife was told about what happened, so she is probably posting on here, not understanding why we
Don't have more contact with them. Ask your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No final straw. I was tired of the way my father twisted events in his mind, of his negative comments, and of managing his emotional tirades. What started out as a break from him became five years of little communication beyond "I love you, but I need a break." I reconnected when DC was born. I regret it.

I do love my father. But maintaining a relationship with him requires an unending amount of energy. I am at peace with the distance.

+1. I could have written this. I love him and wish him well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL told my husband that our DD has ADHD because our social life is too active and we prioritize material possessions over our children.

Goodbye.

My MIL says many crazy things. Many of the older generation don't get kids issues these days.
I guess it depends how she said it but I can see how an older person thinks families are over scheduled and focused too much in stuff.
Relating it to ADHD is just uneducated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was never just one thing... I just finally realized that life is too short and I didn't have time for the drama. That was 15 years ago. I think about it sometimes, but have no regrets.

This exactly. 14 years though.