Bean counting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have an ongoing argument. He believes his contributions to our household are more strenuous than mine and that he therefore deserves to sit down and relax after doing the dishes. I usually vacuum after putting the kids to bed. But I really resent his relaxing while work remains and I'm busy with childcare. I then have no interest in spending the little amount of time we have to enjoy each others company with him and would rather just go to bed. I finally convinced him to play with the kids and let me clean up after dinner (including vacuuming) so that it was all done by the time kids go to bed, but in talking it out I'm still pissed that he actually believes he does more than me?!? He's a good contributor. Cooks on the weekends for the week, and does the dishes. He also pays the bills (physically- we are equal earners) and maintains our tiny yard. I do ALL the childcare, including mornings, afternoons, pickups and dropoffs, activities, bath and bedtime. I have proposed several times trying to split the type of work we each do but he is not interested. Should I suck it up and let it go? I have tried to go in early to work once a week and leave him with the morning routine, but every week, he "just can't do it this week" so I really don't think he gets it. Thoughts? Kids are 1 and 4.

I would say that he needs a relationship with his children and therefore he has to do more of the childcare, then take over the cooking on the weekend, the yard work or the bill paying. Or hire out the lawn mowing and lawn care like you do for the every other week housing cleaning. He seems to want the monthly or weekly chores and not the daily chores. Different circumstances, but DH did baths with the kids. That was great for all of them. Also, take turns putting to bed and do it together some nights. Tell him the some of the childcare should not be considered a "chore" it is called being a caring loving parent.

Who takes car of the car maintenance, doctors appointments, sick days.....? What fun things do the four of you do as a family together?

[Anonymous]

Hey guys, OP here. I'd be thrilled not to vacuum daily. But we had mice in the spring and dh and I agreed together (he's actually the neatnik in the house!) to vacuum the dinner crumbs. But it's definitely not just about the vacuuming. I have told him before that he should do some of the "care" for the kids, not just playing with them, but he thinks their relationships are fine. But then is offended that they only come to me! Agh men! I think the most important thing is to force him to take on an evening or afternoon so that he can see that it's not just me "hanging out" with the kids - which seems to be how he views it.

[Anonymous]

Some people just don't like to sit and relax and get irritated beyond belief when their partner has the audacity to sit and relax, as opposed to doing Something Productive. My wife HATES it when I'm not being a busy bee (I don't mention her going to bed an hour earlier than I do and sleeping in until 7-8am on weekends. That just leads to arguing.) Then again, kids under 4-5 just don't like to be still and can't watch TV for long.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the OP is vaccuming the entire house every single day.

[Anonymous]

OP here and ^^ is actually a fair characterization of me. Except I don't get to sleep in since I get up with the kids...I wasn't like this before kids. I guess that's why I'd like to do some of the grown up jobs and have him do more of the childcare- the other jobs end, childcare is continuous until bedtime...

[Anonymous]

I'll pass on advice that someone gave to me.

Appreciate what your spouse does around the house and try not to notice the things they don't do. Imagine without that person, it would all fall to you.

Sounds like he doesn't value what you do and you don't value what he does. Change the way you see things.

[Anonymous]

Have you been blunt with him OP? Stated what is bugging you clearly (i.e. unfair distribution of free time)? What did he say?

Or does he equate time with kids = free time? If so then he just won himself a full slate of bedtime duty!

In all seriousness though, for me the ability to manage the basics of childcare is non-negotiable. Doesn't matter who does it more often, but each partner should have the ability to cover the basics. So what would happen if he just had to cover bedtime for a while without you?

[Anonymous]

Why does DH not do drop offs or pickups? Is his work that much further than yours? Does he have an inflexible schedule?

What about weekend activities? Does DH participate?

Maybe you can declare Saturday mornings "Mommy time," say from 8-11, and you get your hair cut, nails done, shop, or just hang out at a coffee shop with a bagel and the newspaper. Since DH is taking time off every evening to relax, you are just making this equal by squishing your relax time into Saturday mornings.

BTW, please do not have another child with your DH until he cleans up his act.

[Anonymous]

wives don't respect husbands who do the dishes as proven by op

[Anonymous]

I think he does a lot. Meal prep and clean up accounts for a lot. Your complaint seems to be that he doesn't do a lot with the kids. Offer to switch it up and you'll do clean up while he plays with the kids for a week. Start with this.

The problem doesn't sound like the amount of work, but the type- you want to check your brain at the door a little bit and do the menial stuff he's allowed to do instead of interacting with the little people. Just communicate that to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey guys, OP here. I'd be thrilled not to vacuum daily. But we had mice in the spring and dh and I agreed together (he's actually the neatnik in the house!) to vacuum the dinner crumbs. But it's definitely not just about the vacuuming. I have told him before that he should do some of the "care" for the kids, not just playing with them, but he thinks their relationships are fine. But then is offended that they only come to me! Agh men! I think the most important thing is to force him to take on an evening or afternoon so that he can see that it's not just me "hanging out" with the kids - which seems to be how he views it.

You: I want you to do more of the "care" for the kids, not just playing with them.
Him: I think my relationship with the kids is fine.
You: ??

How does the conversation continue? His response is non-responsive, but he may or may not know that. I think you need to be clear that you don't just mean "I want you to have a relationship with the kids," you mean "I want you to share more equally in the tasks involved with raising the kids, including pickup/dropoff and bedtime routines, both because I don't want to be responsible for all of those tasks myself, and also because I think it is important to a parent's relationship with their children that they interact during those mundane day-to-day activities." Have you said that to him? How does he respond?

[Anonymous]

At this point, he's playing you.

First of all, if he's the neatnick, then it probably bugs him more about the vacuuming. He should do the vacuuming if he can't be bothered to share the load with the children.

Second of all, if he really thought that his job is more strenuous then he wouldn't freak out and ask for back up at the first instance you require more than play with the kids. He keeps making excuses because it works and he still doesn't have to do it. Just tell him. "I need this for childcare this week." If he balks or asks you to arrange back up, say:

"I just asked for back up care, just now. You are an equal partner and I need you to PARENT not just PLAY. You may be okay with the relationship the way it is, but I am not and I am done trying to explain it to you. I am getting resentful and I don't want those feelings to continue. No, my mother will not be coming to bail you out. Since it is apparently so easy what I do every day, I expect there should be no trouble doing *insert reasonable childcare task*. I know you will be able to figure it out, and I will appreciate it."

And he will do it, and figure it out (hopefully, if you married a good man). But don't nitpick the way he figures it out. He might need to build his confidence in this area, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Show lots of appreciation. I think a lot of husbands stop trying to help because they don't do things exactly the way their wives would and eventually they get tired of being critcized and instead sit around after dinner, frustrating their wives further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and ^^ is actually a fair characterization of me. Except I don't get to sleep in since I get up with the kids...I wasn't like this before kids. I guess that's why I'd like to do some of the grown up jobs and have him do more of the childcare- the other jobs end, childcare is continuous until bedtime...

Oops and wow....

[Anonymous]

^^ This is good and I appreciate it. Thanks! I have realized from reading through these responses that I (op) just kind of fold at his resistance to what I say I want or need. Why?!? I don't know, but I need to stick to my guns. And I won't criticize him (I don't think this is something I do, but good to be aware).

[Anonymous]

As mentioned before - less vacuuming, more cuddling. You want your children to have an involved father? How about a happy home? Don't drive your husband away.