Bean counting

[Anonymous]

Dh and I have an ongoing argument. He believes his contributions to our household are more strenuous than mine and that he therefore deserves to sit down and relax after doing the dishes. I usually vacuum after putting the kids to bed. But I really resent his relaxing while work remains and I'm busy with childcare. I then have no interest in spending the little amount of time we have to enjoy each others company with him and would rather just go to bed. I finally convinced him to play with the kids and let me clean up after dinner (including vacuuming) so that it was all done by the time kids go to bed, but in talking it out I'm still pissed that he actually believes he does more than me?!? He's a good contributor. Cooks on the weekends for the week, and does the dishes. He also pays the bills (physically- we are equal earners) and maintains our tiny yard. I do ALL the childcare, including mornings, afternoons, pickups and dropoffs, activities, bath and bedtime. I have proposed several times trying to split the type of work we each do but he is not interested. Should I suck it up and let it go? I have tried to go in early to work once a week and leave him with the morning routine, but every week, he "just can't do it this week" so I really don't think he gets it. Thoughts? Kids are 1 and 4.

[Anonymous]

Divorce and move on.

[Anonymous]

Find a way to go away for a few days during the work week and see how he handles it.

Seriously, though, doing all morning and evening childcare routine plus drop off and pickups is ridiculous. For the evenings, you could at least trade off: one does chores while the other does bath and bedtime, then you BOTH get to relax.

[Anonymous]

DH here. My wife sounds a lot like your DH. I guess I just have a different work ethic: when there is still work to be done, I expect everyone to pitch in until it is completed. The only reason we have a division of labor is because there is just too much for both of us to do. A married couple should be a team and when they don't behave that way there is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce and move on.

Lol haha. Thanks for setting the tone for all the responses here. Thought about it, but I love him. And like I said, he's a good contributor, I just wish I could get him to trade places for a moment to appreciate what I do. For the record, I'm effusive about his contributions. Also, if I said I really have to go in early this week, he'd ask me to arrange backup care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a way to go away for a few days during the work week and see how he handles it.

Seriously, though, doing all morning and evening childcare routine plus drop off and pickups is ridiculous. For the evenings, you could at least trade off: one does chores while the other does bath and bedtime, then you BOTH get to relax.

If I went away, he'd ask to have my mom (from out of town) or someone else stay to help out. I feel like it's treating him like a child to say no.

[Anonymous]

Wait. Why do you vacuum every night?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, be more of a hard ass about it. He is giving you unilateral things like "I just can't do it this week" so give it right back. "I'm going to work early this week, I'll pick the kids up at 4" and then if he says the he needs you to arrange backup care, tell him that he needs to take care of it himself.

[Anonymous]

Can you explain why he thinks his contributions are more strenuous / why he thinks this division is fair? Personally I fall more in line with the 'if someone is working everyone should be working' camp, though with flexibility to accommodate different personalities (early bird vs night owl, etc.). So while it can be OK for one person to be relaxing while the other works, that only applies if it goes both ways and overall each partner gets an equal amount of free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. Why do you vacuum every night?

Yeah. Do you have 3 massive shedding dogs? If not, let this go. Maybe then you can relax too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, be more of a hard ass about it. He is giving you unilateral things like "I just can't do it this week" so give it right back. "I'm going to work early this week, I'll pick the kids up at 4" and then if he says the he needs you to arrange backup care, tell him that he needs to take care of it himself.

Yeah typing it out, I can see I've really been coddling him. Not sure why, as that's not really my general MO. Thanks for that advice pp. Also, so is it unanimous that I am not off my gourd for wanting him to appreciate what I do? Finally, vacuuming is only the dinner mess. Cleaners come twice a month to do the job right.

[Anonymous]

He probably thinks some of what you do is not actually necessary, and therefore he doesn't weigh it as heavily.

[Anonymous]

You could spend $600 on a Roomba and get the vacuuming done at the same time as the dishes.

It doesn't address the ultimate imbalance, but if it allows you to stop resenting him enough to go back to spending the evenings with him then you will at least have a marriage to work on. If you let this go and get into a pattern of ignoring him because of resentment, then you will end of divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, be more of a hard ass about it. He is giving you unilateral things like "I just can't do it this week" so give it right back. "I'm going to work early this week, I'll pick the kids up at 4" and then if he says the he needs you to arrange backup care, tell him that he needs to take care of it himself.

Yeah typing it out, I can see I've really been coddling him. Not sure why, as that's not really my general MO. Thanks for that advice pp. Also, so is it unanimous that I am not off my gourd for wanting him to appreciate what I do? Finally, vacuuming is only the dinner mess. Cleaners come twice a month to do the job right.

PP here. Honestly, I get it. It's easier to just do it yourself (whatever "it" is) than it is to haggle about it with an unwilling partner. DH and I have this tension as well, and my only recommendation is that you advocate for your own needs more but also that you consider what you can and can't live with, cleanliness-wise, in your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, be more of a hard ass about it. He is giving you unilateral things like "I just can't do it this week" so give it right back. "I'm going to work early this week, I'll pick the kids up at 4" and then if he says the he needs you to arrange backup care, tell him that he needs to take care of it himself.

Yeah typing it out, I can see I've really been coddling him. Not sure why, as that's not really my general MO. Thanks for that advice pp. Also, so is it unanimous that I am not off my gourd for wanting him to appreciate what I do? Finally, vacuuming is only the dinner mess. Cleaners come twice a month to do the job right.

Still don't understand why you're vacuuming every night.