Going rate on barmitzvah gift giving?

[Anonymous]

NP. Thanks for all of the $18 explanations.

Is is common to invite only the kids and not the parents if the kids are friends?

[Anonymous]

Yes many kids are invited alone unless the parents are friends as well. Anyone is welcome at the service though..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years ago, I spent a little more than avg for my daughter's friend. I think it was about $25 (usually I give a $15 gift card. Under no circumstance, did I plan to give cash. The boy's dad is a journalist and the mom is a lawyer. I am a high school educator. The parents sent word through friends that cash is the norm. I already knew that but refused.

I'm sure you feel really good about yourself. All the money I got from my bat mitzvah went towards paying for college. My two godsisters, 15 and 17, gave me a gold bracelet. My parents gave me two gold bracelets. Everyone else gave me a check. I still have my college education, but two of the three bracelets have since been lost, 25 years later.

NP here. Cool story, PP.

Explain to me again why I, a neighbor/friend of the bat mitzvah girl's parents, should help pay for college? No really, I would love to hear you walk me through the rationale as to why a religious mile marker in a child's life is an occasion to build the child's war chest?

So then don't give cash. Whatever. This is our tradition, and if you don't likeit, do something else. Just please keep your mouth shut on the day.

Did you actually just state that it's Jewish tradition to expect cash? of course I'd never say anything on THE day, or on any day. That's why I'm here on anonymous DCUM. Since I'm here to learn, where in the Torah does it explain why gifts with liquidity are at the top of the pecking order (cash >stock > gold (bracelets that can be melted down) > durable goods) ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Thanks for all of the $18 explanations.

Is is common to invite only the kids and not the parents if the kids are friends?

Yes. You invite your friends from school. Aunts and uncles and such will drive them from the temple to the reception. We only invited parents if the parents of the bar/bat mitzvah child were friends with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years ago, I spent a little more than avg for my daughter's friend. I think it was about $25 (usually I give a $15 gift card. Under no circumstance, did I plan to give cash. The boy's dad is a journalist and the mom is a lawyer. I am a high school educator. The parents sent word through friends that cash is the norm. I already knew that but refused.

I'm sure you feel really good about yourself. All the money I got from my bat mitzvah went towards paying for college. My two godsisters, 15 and 17, gave me a gold bracelet. My parents gave me two gold bracelets. Everyone else gave me a check. I still have my college education, but two of the three bracelets have since been lost, 25 years later.

NP here. Cool story, PP.

Explain to me again why I, a neighbor/friend of the bat mitzvah girl's parents, should help pay for college? No really, I would love to hear you walk me through the rationale as to why a religious mile marker in a child's life is an occasion to build the child's war chest?

So then don't give cash. Whatever. This is our tradition, and if you don't likeit, do something else. Just please keep your mouth shut on the day.

Did you actually just state that it's Jewish tradition to expect cash? of course I'd never say anything on THE day, or on any day. That's why I'm here on anonymous DCUM. Since I'm here to learn, where in the Torah does it explain why gifts with liquidity are at the top of the pecking order (cash >stock > gold (bracelets that can be melted down) > durable goods) ?

No. I did not say it was the tradition to expect anything - what we really expect at a Bar Mitzvah, at least where I pray, is that anyone who wants to will show up for services and stay for lunch (that is one of the reasons the numbers get so big so fast). Nothing about "expecting to receive."

All I said is that in our tradition we often give cash gifts. Not every culture is comfortable with gifts of cash; we are. We are not alone in this tradition (isn't there somewhere that they pin money to the bride while she dances?) We're big on cash for weddings, too. A bar or bat mitzvah is a very big deal and we mark it with a celebration. We give presents on this day because we do. Most people try to give gifts with a longer life than a 13-year old's taste would merit. That's all there is.

[Anonymous]

For OP, we should make it clear that the actual bar mitzvah is the call to read from the torah at the regular service acknowledging that the 13-year old has reached manhood and therefore subject to Jewish law. The party afterwards is ... a party. OP should feel welcome to join the service and celebrate the bar mitzvah, but only those invited to the party/luncheon/whatever afterwards should stay for that.

[Anonymous]

My daughter just had her Bat Mitzvah. She got gifts from her friends that were $18, $25, $36, and $54 in the form of cash or gift cards as well as some sweet gifts like a "chai" bracelet, jewelry box, or Hand of God necklace. We certainly didn't expect anyelaborate presents and it certainly didn't have to be money. We were happy that they were there to celebrate our daughter and her accomplishment.

In general, anyone is welcome to the service and a few of her friends had parents who stayed who had never been to a Bat Mitzvah before, and we were touched that they were interested enough to stay. Everyone who was at the service was welcome to eat the kiddush luncheon at the synagogue with us including parents or synagogue members. The party in the evening was for invited guests.

Enjoy and don't worry about the gift!

[Anonymous]

What happened to fountain pens as bar mitzvah gifts? My son was confirmed recently and a dear friend asked if she could give him one because that was what she always gave as a bar mitzvah gift. She also gave him personalized stationary. It was a lovely gift. And no, this was not an elderly lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened to fountain pens as bar mitzvah gifts? My son was confirmed recently and a dear friend asked if she could give him one because that was what she always gave as a bar mitzvah gift. She also gave him personalized stationary. It was a lovely gift. And no, this was not an elderly lady.

What happened is that laptops/tablets/smartphones became the main method of communication for 13 yr olds instead of paper letters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened to fountain pens as bar mitzvah gifts? My son was confirmed recently and a dear friend asked if she could give him one because that was what she always gave as a bar mitzvah gift. She also gave him personalized stationary. It was a lovely gift. And no, this was not an elderly lady.

What happened is that laptops/tablets/smartphones became the main method of communication for 13 yr olds instead of paper letters!

For 13-year-olds and for most non-13-year-olds as well.

[Anonymous]

I also think Bar/Bat Mitzvahs have gotten less formal and more kid centric. Special kid food buffets with pizza, kid entertainment etc. These are not the formal family parties of my generations which also include some of the child's friends. These are loud teen focused events with most of the older relatives out in the hall trying to have a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened to fountain pens as bar mitzvah gifts? My son was confirmed recently and a dear friend asked if she could give him one because that was what she always gave as a bar mitzvah gift. She also gave him personalized stationary. It was a lovely gift. And no, this was not an elderly lady.

What happened is that laptops/tablets/smartphones became the main method of communication for 13 yr olds instead of paper letters!

This is true, but my son treasures the pen! And has used the personalized note cards to write thank you notes!

[Anonymous]

$36 for random friend when just the kid is invited.
$54 for a real friend when just the kid is invited.
$180 for real friends when the whole family is invited.
For family, I would give more than that if I could afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on how close you are to the family and how much you are comfortable with giving, but anywhere from $25 to $75 would be fine as a gift (some relatives or close friends may choose to give more). $50 was very typical at my son's bar mitzvah, and he got plenty of $25 gifts; the more expensive ones tended to be from people who were long-time close friends of the family. You can give a gift card or a non-monetary gift if you would prefer that to giving money. The value of the guests' company and presence as we celebrated this milestone was what was important, and I certainly couldn't remember who gave gifts of what amount, other than remembering a few very generous ones from close family.

We're Jewish and tend to give gifts in multiples of $18 at bar/bat mitzvahs and when giving to charity (a tradition based on the fact that the Hebrew word for "life" adds up to 18, because Hebrew letters are also numbers). However, it isn't typical for non-Jews to give gifts in multiples of $18 and you certainly don't need to unless you want to. So if you want to buy a gift card that exists already, those tend to be in multiples of $10 or $25 and that would be fine.

NP here. Thank you for explaining the underlying rationale of the $18. I was just about to ask. Also, I appreciate the rest of your response, too.

[Anonymous]

these things are such a money grab that even our Jewish friends said to stop going to them unless you are very close to them.