MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...

[Anonymous]

OP, I think if you do keep this a secret from your DH, you need to make it clear to your MIL that you won't discuss it with her again. Then, focus on the new baby. Let sleep deprivation help you forget she even mentioned it. But don't let her keep bringing it up as her one confidant on the subject.

If this happened with my parents, and I was your DH, I'm not sure I'd want to know. If they are going to work it out and stay together, that's THEIR business. What is there to gain from telling your DH?

I'd also consider, is there anyway you can tell your DH and he won't tell his siblings? My DH could do that, but I do understand some couldn't. If you think he could keep it to himself, and work out his feelings privately and not tell his mom or dad or sibs he knows, then push for telling him.

It's a tough spot for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing you should consider is whether you think DH wants to know. For some reason someone felt the need to tell me my father had an affair. If my parents wanted me to know they would have told me, but they never did so it is a piece of information I never needed nor wanted to know. I would have been much happier living in ignorance.

OP here: This is kind of my thinking right now. It doesn't concern him and will only cause pain, so why tell? Ugh, this is so difficult.

DH here: I think you are in a super tough position through no fault of your own. But I'd be cautious about not telling your DH. A lot of men, myself included, would view a DW's keeping that sort of secret as disloyal. It's not an easy problem.

[Anonymous]

C'mon, people, the OP's description of who the MIL is and how she told her ends the debate: DO NOT TELL THE HUSBAND. The MIL confided to the OP in a weak moment, and asked her not to tell. She's staying with the husband. What's to be gained by opening this can of worms? If it's only to avoid the husband getting pissed off down the road IF he ever learns both of the affair and that the OP didn't tell him, it's well worth the risk. Surely the OP and her husband have a strong enough relationship to survive the husband finding out that the wife decided not to tell him something that she thought might hurt him and disrupt the entire extended family for no good reason whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

You've gotta talk with MIL pronto. Give her the opportunity to tell DH herself, but tell her you can't keep such a secret from your DH, and it wasn't fair of her to ask you that.

Out of curiosity, is your kid the first grandkid? Are all of DH's siblings grown and out of the house? Just wondering what the larger dynamic is.

[Anonymous]

If MIL just found out, she is in no place to really know whether she will stay or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:C'mon, people, the OP's description of who the MIL is and how she told her ends the debate: DO NOT TELL THE HUSBAND. The MIL confided to the OP in a weak moment, and asked her not to tell. She's staying with the husband. What's to be gained by opening this can of worms? If it's only to avoid the husband getting pissed off down the road IF he ever learns both of the affair and that the OP didn't tell him, it's well worth the risk. Surely the OP and her husband have a strong enough relationship to survive the husband finding out that the wife decided not to tell him something that she thought might hurt him and disrupt the entire extended family for no good reason whatsoever.

As a DH, I wouldn't be so sure of that. While the marriage will almost certainly "survive" the revelation, keeping material secrets from one's spouse is not good for a marriage, and if I were OP's DH I would feel flat-out deceived by her not sharing. It would certainly make me question what other information she had unilaterally decided I didn't need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C'mon, people, the OP's description of who the MIL is and how she told her ends the debate: DO NOT TELL THE HUSBAND. The MIL confided to the OP in a weak moment, and asked her not to tell. She's staying with the husband. What's to be gained by opening this can of worms? If it's only to avoid the husband getting pissed off down the road IF he ever learns both of the affair and that the OP didn't tell him, it's well worth the risk. Surely the OP and her husband have a strong enough relationship to survive the husband finding out that the wife decided not to tell him something that she thought might hurt him and disrupt the entire extended family for no good reason whatsoever.

As a DH, I wouldn't be so sure of that. While the marriage will almost certainly "survive" the revelation, keeping material secrets from one's spouse is not good for a marriage, and if I were OP's DH I would feel flat-out deceived by her not sharing. It would certainly make me question what other information she had unilaterally decided I didn't need to know.

"Material" secret my ass. What makes it material? I don't know if you have children, but I guarantee you that when/if you do and they get older your DW is going to know things about them that she's not going to tell you. And vice-versa. Your naive if you think otherwise. I see no difference between that situation and the OP's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C'mon, people, the OP's description of who the MIL is and how she told her ends the debate: DO NOT TELL THE HUSBAND. The MIL confided to the OP in a weak moment, and asked her not to tell. She's staying with the husband. What's to be gained by opening this can of worms? If it's only to avoid the husband getting pissed off down the road IF he ever learns both of the affair and that the OP didn't tell him, it's well worth the risk. Surely the OP and her husband have a strong enough relationship to survive the husband finding out that the wife decided not to tell him something that she thought might hurt him and disrupt the entire extended family for no good reason whatsoever.

As a DH, I wouldn't be so sure of that. While the marriage will almost certainly "survive" the revelation, keeping material secrets from one's spouse is not good for a marriage, and if I were OP's DH I would feel flat-out deceived by her not sharing. It would certainly make me question what other information she had unilaterally decided I didn't need to know.

"Material" secret my ass. What makes it material? I don't know if you have children, but I guarantee you that when/if you do and they get older your DW is going to know things about them that she's not going to tell you. And vice-versa. Your naive if you think otherwise. I see no difference between that situation and the OP's.

It's obviously important information. I mean, the thread would be very different if it was "MIL just confided in me that FIL has bad breath." OP knows it, which is why she is conflicted, basically everyone else on the thread knows it, which is why it is being discussed, and while it is perfectly principled for you to take the strong "it's none of anyone's business" line---which seems to come up a lot on these cheating threads---many reasonable people disagree with you on that.

If my DW conceals important information from me about our children, as you suggest will happen, we are going to have a huge problem when that time comes. It's not naive to expect or insist on being kept in the loop, and one spouse is not entitled to keep such things secret from the other. It's naive to expect that sort of secrecy not to have significant consequences on a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C'mon, people, the OP's description of who the MIL is and how she told her ends the debate: DO NOT TELL THE HUSBAND. The MIL confided to the OP in a weak moment, and asked her not to tell. She's staying with the husband. What's to be gained by opening this can of worms? If it's only to avoid the husband getting pissed off down the road IF he ever learns both of the affair and that the OP didn't tell him, it's well worth the risk. Surely the OP and her husband have a strong enough relationship to survive the husband finding out that the wife decided not to tell him something that she thought might hurt him and disrupt the entire extended family for no good reason whatsoever.

As a DH, I wouldn't be so sure of that. While the marriage will almost certainly "survive" the revelation, keeping material secrets from one's spouse is not good for a marriage, and if I were OP's DH I would feel flat-out deceived by her not sharing. It would certainly make me question what other information she had unilaterally decided I didn't need to know.

"Material" secret my ass. What makes it material? I don't know if you have children, but I guarantee you that when/if you do and they get older your DW is going to know things about them that she's not going to tell you. And vice-versa. Your naive if you think otherwise. I see no difference between that situation and the OP's.

It's obviously important information. I mean, the thread would be very different if it was "MIL just confided in me that FIL has bad breath." OP knows it, which is why she is conflicted, basically everyone else on the thread knows it, which is why it is being discussed, and while it is perfectly principled for you to take the strong "it's none of anyone's business" line---which seems to come up a lot on these cheating threads---many reasonable people disagree with you on that.

If my DW conceals important information from me about our children, as you suggest will happen, we are going to have a huge problem when that time comes. It's not naive to expect or insist on being kept in the loop, and one spouse is not entitled to keep such things secret from the other. It's naive to expect that sort of secrecy not to have significant consequences on a relationship.

You have a lot to learn, my friend. There's not a parent of an adult in America who isn't keeping something they know about their children from the other parent. But keep patting yourself on the back and saying you and your wife will be unique.

[Anonymous]

Quite honestly I could not keep something like this from my DH. I would tell him his mother told me this in confidence and to not let on he knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing you should consider is whether you think DH wants to know. For some reason someone felt the need to tell me my father had an affair. If my parents wanted me to know they would have told me, but they never did so it is a piece of information I never needed nor wanted to know. I would have been much happier living in ignorance.

OP here: This is kind of my thinking right now. It doesn't concern him and will only cause pain, so why tell? Ugh, this is so difficult.

DH here: I think you are in a super tough position through no fault of your own. But I'd be cautious about not telling your DH. A lot of men, myself included, would view a DW's keeping that sort of secret as disloyal. It's not an easy problem.

+1 You don't keep secrets from your H.

Friend: I have something to tell you but you can't tell your H.
Me: Then don't tell me.

Friend: I hav something to tell you but you can't tell anybody
Me: Well, you know I am going to tell DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C'mon, people, the OP's description of who the MIL is and how she told her ends the debate: DO NOT TELL THE HUSBAND. The MIL confided to the OP in a weak moment, and asked her not to tell. She's staying with the husband. What's to be gained by opening this can of worms? If it's only to avoid the husband getting pissed off down the road IF he ever learns both of the affair and that the OP didn't tell him, it's well worth the risk. Surely the OP and her husband have a strong enough relationship to survive the husband finding out that the wife decided not to tell him something that she thought might hurt him and disrupt the entire extended family for no good reason whatsoever.

As a DH, I wouldn't be so sure of that. While the marriage will almost certainly "survive" the revelation, keeping material secrets from one's spouse is not good for a marriage, and if I were OP's DH I would feel flat-out deceived by her not sharing. It would certainly make me question what other information she had unilaterally decided I didn't need to know.

"Material" secret my ass. What makes it material? I don't know if you have children, but I guarantee you that when/if you do and they get older your DW is going to know things about them that she's not going to tell you. And vice-versa. Your naive if you think otherwise. I see no difference between that situation and the OP's.

It's obviously important information. I mean, the thread would be very different if it was "MIL just confided in me that FIL has bad breath." OP knows it, which is why she is conflicted, basically everyone else on the thread knows it, which is why it is being discussed, and while it is perfectly principled for you to take the strong "it's none of anyone's business" line---which seems to come up a lot on these cheating threads---many reasonable people disagree with you on that.

If my DW conceals important information from me about our children, as you suggest will happen, we are going to have a huge problem when that time comes. It's not naive to expect or insist on being kept in the loop, and one spouse is not entitled to keep such things secret from the other. It's naive to expect that sort of secrecy not to have significant consequences on a relationship.

You have a lot to learn, my friend. There's not a parent of an adult in America who isn't keeping something they know about their children from the other parent. But keep patting yourself on the back and saying you and your wife will be unique.

What frickin planet do you live on?!?!

I am not the PP... but I don't know 1 person that keeps secrets from their H (not 1 healthy person) and they would NEVER keep important information about their child a secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've gotta talk with MIL pronto. Give her the opportunity to tell DH herself, but tell her you can't keep such a secret from your DH, and it wasn't fair of her to ask you that.

Out of curiosity, is your kid the first grandkid? Are all of DH's siblings grown and out of the house? Just wondering what the larger dynamic is.

OP here - there are 4 grandchildren already (we have #2 on the way) and his older brother has 3. DH's youngest sibling is much younger than the rest and finishing up college this year.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all of the responses, but I will say this. My MIL -- who is a bit of a piece of work -- sometimes says she has to tell me something, but that I have to promise not to tell my husband. I always tell her that I do not keep secrets from her son and that it she doesn't want him to know, then she shouldn't tell me.

Since the cat already is out of the bag now, I agree with the poster on the first page who said that you should tell her that you are not comfortable being in the position of keeping this kind of secret from your husband. Either she and the FIL tell him, or you will. Of course, you feel bad for her, but she never, ever should have put you in that position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for all the insight. MIL is staying with us until Sunday and I can't bear to be around her right now. I feel sick to my stomach with this information and am still very angry at MIL for putting me in this position. I am 8 months pregnant and don't need this kind of stress.

My fear is that if I tell DH, all of his siblings will find out as well (there are 3 others). I just can't imagine the fall out from this situation and dealing with all that two months before the baby is due. I still have not yet made up my mind about whether to tell DH but I am going to have a talk with MIL tonight about how much she has upset me.

Yes, OP. You need to talk to MIL and clear the air. Tell her that with a couple days reflection you simply cannot keep her secret from your husband and say that it's unfortunate that she told you something so personal and important because it's causing you significant stress so late in your pregnancy. Tell her that you expect her to discuss her news with your husband before she leaves your home on Sunday.

While I actually agree with this poster, I will say that you also need to leave room in all of this for the fact that no one online knows your MIL (and further, most on this board often do carry a bit of IL baggage that its hard not to project onto others' situations). You know if your MIL has manipulative tendencies or not. That might effect your tone and the "place" that you are coming from when talking to her.

If she isnt the manipulative sort, she might have just been really devastated or at her breaking point and just trusts or respects you enough as a person, not just as her DIL, that she unloaded on you.

Still makes it basically a terrible idea because no matter what you are still her DIL, but if you feel like this is the case I'd come from a place of more compassion than confrontation. Since while she did do this "to" you, it might not have been intentional.

OP here. She is not typically what I would call a manipulative person. She had been drinking more at our house than ever before, and seemed unlike herself so it was clear something was up. When DH went to bed one night she sort of broke down and told me, then hugged me and said that she hadn't told anyone and it was eating her up inside. I was of course shocked and asked her what she was planning to do. She said she loves him, forgives him and plans to stay. That's when she asked me not to tell DH. I agreed in the moment, caught off guard. Her reasoning was that DH shouldn't have to see his father in this light, as he's been nothing but a great Dad to him.

I am the PP who disagreed with telling your DH because something similar to what happened with your MIL and you -- she just got overwhelmed in the moment and blurted it out -- is what I did with my husband's friend. She wasn't "burdening" you with anything she was talking to you woman to woman. I mean, if you have to tell your husband (and I don't still see WHY you have to) tell him, but I think you are projecting a lot of ill intent on your MIL in this situation. I'm so genuinely puzzled by why your reaction is anger instead of hugging and supporting her.