MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for all the insight. MIL is staying with us until Sunday and I can't bear to be around her right now. I feel sick to my stomach with this information and am still very angry at MIL for putting me in this position. I am 8 months pregnant and don't need this kind of stress.

My fear is that if I tell DH, all of his siblings will find out as well (there are 3 others). I just can't imagine the fall out from this situation and dealing with all that two months before the baby is due. I still have not yet made up my mind about whether to tell DH but I am going to have a talk with MIL tonight about how much she has upset me.

Yes, OP. You need to talk to MIL and clear the air. Tell her that with a couple days reflection you simply cannot keep her secret from your husband and say that it's unfortunate that she told you something so personal and important because it's causing you significant stress so late in your pregnancy. Tell her that you expect her to discuss her news with your husband before she leaves your home on Sunday.

While I actually agree with this poster, I will say that you also need to leave room in all of this for the fact that no one online knows your MIL (and further, most on this board often do carry a bit of IL baggage that its hard not to project onto others' situations). You know if your MIL has manipulative tendencies or not. That might effect your tone and the "place" that you are coming from when talking to her.

If she isnt the manipulative sort, she might have just been really devastated or at her breaking point and just trusts or respects you enough as a person, not just as her DIL, that she unloaded on you.

Still makes it basically a terrible idea because no matter what you are still her DIL, but if you feel like this is the case I'd come from a place of more compassion than confrontation. Since while she did do this "to" you, it might not have been intentional.

OP here. She is not typically what I would call a manipulative person. She had been drinking more at our house than ever before, and seemed unlike herself so it was clear something was up. When DH went to bed one night she sort of broke down and told me, then hugged me and said that she hadn't told anyone and it was eating her up inside. I was of course shocked and asked her what she was planning to do. She said she loves him, forgives him and plans to stay. That's when she asked me not to tell DH. I agreed in the moment, caught off guard. Her reasoning was that DH shouldn't have to see his father in this light, as he's been nothing but a great Dad to him.

I am the PP who disagreed with telling your DH because something similar to what happened with your MIL and you -- she just got overwhelmed in the moment and blurted it out -- is what I did with my husband's friend. She wasn't "burdening" you with anything she was talking to you woman to woman. I mean, if you have to tell your husband (and I don't still see WHY you have to) tell him, but I think you are projecting a lot of ill intent on your MIL in this situation. I'm so genuinely puzzled by why your reaction is anger instead of hugging and supporting her.

OP here - I'm angry because it put me in a difficult position with my spouse. I'm puzzled as to why it's hard for you to understand that. Just because she didn't have ill intent doesn't mean I don't have the right to be angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't tell him. Is it really any of his business? If it comes up later, I would just say tell him the truth. You didn't want to get involved in their marriage.

This. I think it's pretty shitty of her to tell you. I suspect MIL wants OP to tell her husband, as another PP suggested above. MIL doesn't want to be a bad-guy in the scenario and is setting up sides. It's manipulative, or at the very least, damn inconsiderate to put the OP in that position.

If it was me, I would keep the secret, but I would also tell MIL to find another confidant or therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG who does NOT tell their. H this type of stuff.

I mean really... Your going to keep THAT secret from your H. He is an adult, not a teenager. Tell him.

You're assuming that all adult sons (or daughters) would want to know about their parents personal lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your MIL that you respect whatever decision she makes with regard to her marriage and that at some level your touched that she feels close enough to you that she can share something so personal, but that you simply cannot keep this from your husband. Your loyalty is to your marriage first and it would create problems in your marriage when/if your husband finds out one day and learns that you know all along. Offer her the choice of telling your husband herself or say that you will.

This. Not fair what she did to you. I bet she just wants you to tell your DH instead of her anyway.

Of course she does. It's a passive aggressive tactic. Why does the MIL want her son to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your MIL that you respect whatever decision she makes with regard to her marriage and that at some level your touched that she feels close enough to you that she can share something so personal, but that you simply cannot keep this from your husband. Your loyalty is to your marriage first and it would create problems in your marriage when/if your husband finds out one day and learns that you know all along. Offer her the choice of telling your husband herself or say that you will.

This. Not fair what she did to you. I bet she just wants you to tell your DH instead of her anyway.

Of course she does. It's a passive aggressive tactic. Why does the MIL want her son to know?

To punish FIL while being able to tell herself she had nothing to do with it. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:C'mon, people, the OP's description of who the MIL is and how she told her ends the debate: DO NOT TELL THE HUSBAND. The MIL confided to the OP in a weak moment, and asked her not to tell. She's staying with the husband. What's to be gained by opening this can of worms? If it's only to avoid the husband getting pissed off down the road IF he ever learns both of the affair and that the OP didn't tell him, it's well worth the risk. Surely the OP and her husband have a strong enough relationship to survive the husband finding out that the wife decided not to tell him something that she thought might hurt him and disrupt the entire extended family for no good reason whatsoever.

I agree. This is not like someone having stage IV cancer or something. It's an affair, and it's being handled by the involved parties. It sucks to carry this burden, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not the worst that can happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C'mon, people, the OP's description of who the MIL is and how she told her ends the debate: DO NOT TELL THE HUSBAND. The MIL confided to the OP in a weak moment, and asked her not to tell. She's staying with the husband. What's to be gained by opening this can of worms? If it's only to avoid the husband getting pissed off down the road IF he ever learns both of the affair and that the OP didn't tell him, it's well worth the risk. Surely the OP and her husband have a strong enough relationship to survive the husband finding out that the wife decided not to tell him something that she thought might hurt him and disrupt the entire extended family for no good reason whatsoever.

As a DH, I wouldn't be so sure of that. While the marriage will almost certainly "survive" the revelation, keeping material secrets from one's spouse is not good for a marriage, and if I were OP's DH I would feel flat-out deceived by her not sharing. It would certainly make me question what other information she had unilaterally decided I didn't need to know.

"Material" secret my ass. What makes it material? I don't know if you have children, but I guarantee you that when/if you do and they get older your DW is going to know things about them that she's not going to tell you. And vice-versa. Your naive if you think otherwise. I see no difference between that situation and the OP's.

It's obviously important information. I mean, the thread would be very different if it was "MIL just confided in me that FIL has bad breath." OP knows it, which is why she is conflicted, basically everyone else on the thread knows it, which is why it is being discussed, and while it is perfectly principled for you to take the strong "it's none of anyone's business" line---which seems to come up a lot on these cheating threads---many reasonable people disagree with you on that.

If my DW conceals important information from me about our children, as you suggest will happen, we are going to have a huge problem when that time comes. It's not naive to expect or insist on being kept in the loop, and one spouse is not entitled to keep such things secret from the other. It's naive to expect that sort of secrecy not to have significant consequences on a relationship.

You have a lot to learn, my friend. There's not a parent of an adult in America who isn't keeping something they know about their children from the other parent. But keep patting yourself on the back and saying you and your wife will be unique.

Yep. I'm sensing some control issues from that fella.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG who does NOT tell their. H this type of stuff.

I mean really... Your going to keep THAT secret from your H. He is an adult, not a teenager. Tell him.

You're assuming that all adult sons (or daughters) would want to know about their parents personal lives.

No. I'm not. There are tons off things I don't really want to know about life. But I am an adult so I deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG who does NOT tell their. H this type of stuff.

I mean really... Your going to keep THAT secret from your H. He is an adult, not a teenager. Tell him.

You're assuming that all adult sons (or daughters) would want to know about their parents personal lives.

No. I'm not. There are tons off things I don't really want to know about life. But I am an adult so I deal.

You're not an adult. You haven't learned to respect the opinions of others, and you insist that your way is the only way. It's very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG who does NOT tell their. H this type of stuff.

I mean really... Your going to keep THAT secret from your H. He is an adult, not a teenager. Tell him.

You're assuming that all adult sons (or daughters) would want to know about their parents personal lives.

No. I'm not. There are tons off things I don't really want to know about life. But I am an adult so I deal.

You're not an adult. You haven't learned to respect the opinions of others, and you insist that your way is the only way. It's very immature.

Yawn! Keep secrets from your H and see how that goes. Very immature!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG who does NOT tell their. H this type of stuff.

I mean really... Your going to keep THAT secret from your H. He is an adult, not a teenager. Tell him.

You're assuming that all adult sons (or daughters) would want to know about their parents personal lives.

No. I'm not. There are tons off things I don't really want to know about life. But I am an adult so I deal.

You're not an adult. You haven't learned to respect the opinions of others, and you insist that your way is the only way. It's very immature.

Yawn! Keep secrets from your H and see how that goes. Very immature!

Look up "navel gazing".

[Anonymous]

really? you feel the need to tell your husband? I don't get why? Think instead of why she might not want him to know. It's his dad. Maybe she wants DH to look at his dad a certain way. Keep your mouth shut. You've told all of us. Hopefully that helps.

[Anonymous]

I told my husband something similar my mil shared and my husband was mad...at me. Your husband will be angry. People tend to shoot the messenger. Stay out of it. It will hurt him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:really? you feel the need to tell your husband? I don't get why? Think instead of why she might not want him to know. It's his dad. Maybe she wants DH to look at his dad a certain way. Keep your mouth shut. You've told all of us. Hopefully that helps.

Totally agree!