Would you cut ties with friend over her DS's bad behavior?
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Anonymous
| What does your son want to do about the situation? |
Anonymous
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I did. My friend's DS was just 2 weeks younger than my oldest. My oldest has/had ADHD and developmental delays and was getting OT/ST. We were very aware of, and sympathetic to, behavior challenges. But, that kid had issues far beyond my DS and my friend continually excused his behavior and declined to seek professional evaluations (she consulted her church). At first, I thought it might be me just be overly critical but my mom was visiting when DF and her DS were over. We witnessed her DS pushing my toddler down and pulling his arm back to punch her with a closed fish. My DD had just been standing by her stroller doing nothing. I was nursing my youngest when this happened and I yelled at him when he pulled his arm pack to punch her. He stopped and his mother gave him a time out. Now, we used timeout and found it very effective. Her time out consisted of her sitting with him and him getting up and moving around. She excused his behavior by saying he didn't have siblings and wasn't used to being around other kids. WTF? He was in preschool?! After that, my mother and I agreed that we couldn't leave him alone with any of the younger kids. I'm one of 5 (the only girl) and it's not as if my mother is overprotective or hadn't seen it all. There was something wrong with this kid.
I saw other distrubing behavior from him over the years. When she finally sought professional assistant, she frequently compared her DS's behavior to my oldest's. They had similar diagnoses but their behaviors were completely different. Her unwillingness to acknowledge it, do anything about it and my own exhaustion with my own kids led me to drop her. Part of it was 'securing my oxygen mask first', part of it was I didn't want any part of her problems. I miss her as a friend but I don't miss that kid at all. He's trouble. |
Anonymous
| What's with all the "cutting ties"? Just see her less. See her without the DS |
Anonymous
This. I am constantly amazed at women who throw away friendships at the first conflict. |
Anonymous
| When I was growing up, my parents had very close friends who had a child a bit older than I was. She was really, really mean to me. After a few incidents of meanness/teasing, we stopped getting together as families. But the adults kept up their friendship. Now, with all the kids long grown and no longer an issue, they are still good friends. I'm glad that they didn't let the kids' problems separate them. |
Anonymous
| BTDT. Life was easier and our child was happier and better behaved when we stopped seeing a family whose kids were just awful. No regrets. |
Anonymous
Keep the friend but avoid having the boys play together. My DS had a friend who was extremely aggressive- I tried to be nice/understanding and guess what? The kid slammed my son's face into a concrete floor-- only a bloody lip, thank goodness. Shame on me for not acting earlier. Another guess what- the boys are older and the aggressive friend is turning into an amazing kid. Natural intensity and aggression has been channeled into sports. After the concrete floor incident, I avoided the mother/ son and when we ran into each other, I never left the boys alone together. After about a year it turned around. |
Anonymous
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OP - it sounds like your friend's son has serious impulse control issues-- the peeing thing is a big deal because it's one in a series if events. The kid probably has severe ADHD and either did it impulsively (wrongly thinking it would be funny) or tried to reach the toilet before your kid and peed on him unintentionally or impulsively/angrily when he didn't get there first.
I'm not making excuses and I do think you should avoid the family for awhile for your son's sake-- but I wouldn't write off the friend or her child just yet. I have a son with ADHD and while he wasn't peeing on anyone at seven, he was hell on wheels as a preschooler. I would be more concerned about your friend's attitude-- when I thought my son's behavior was outside the norm, we sought professional help. |
Anonymous
It's not 'at first conflict'. It's after repeated refusals of the other parent to acknowledge issues. I have too little emotional energy to expend on those kinds of 'friendships'. |
Anonymous
| I agree with PPs. No reason to ditch the parent, but keep the kids apart until the behavior improves. |
Anonymous
| After a kid has urinated on my child (at age 7), I pretty much don't allow the child to be around my family anymore. That is disgusting behavior and unfair to MY child. If you can see the mom or parents alone, do, but it is not fair to subject your child to that. Try again with the kids in a year -- see if he has changed/matured. Getting kicked out of multiple preschools is a flag. It isn't a life sentence, but it is a flag. |
Anonymous
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OP, your first duty of course is to protect your child from being exposed to this kind of behavior and bullying.
It's clear that your friend has blinders on. However, we all have faults and flaws. She may just be having a hard time acknowledging that her child has problems. We've all been on De Nile at times in our lives. There is a middle ground between cutting ties and accepting her behavior. I'm guessing you think these are the only two options, because you're not very good at being assertive. I'd keep your son apart from hers. If going out to family dinners is the only way you can get together, make sure they are never alone. My philosophy is to protect yourself, but try not to judge others. If your friends' DS does anything horrible to your son despite your attempts to shield him, I'd take your son somewhere quiet and private, calm him down, then tell your friend that you need to leave, because your son is upset about what happened. Don't use a blaming tone, just state it firmly and matter-of-factly. If she tries to say that you're making a big deal of out nothing, just repeat yourself and say that you need to leave. While I wouldn't give up on a longstanding friendship, I would make sure that her son's behavior had consequences for her -- in this case, being deprived of your company. As with any consequence, you want the focus to be learning, not punishment. |
Anonymous
This is not a difficult question at all. If your friend knows that her son urinated on yours, then she should expect there will be no more play dates and should not be surprised when you want to hang out only with her without the kids involved. If not, then she is clueless and you may have to tell her outright in the most tactful way you can think of. I know people are sensitive about their kids (I know I am), but lordy, if my child did that to another child, I would be so embarrassed I would be the one trying to avoid the other family until my kid learned how to behave. You need to protect your child and letting him hang out with the other child is detrimental to your son -- time for your mama bear to come out!! |
Anonymous
LOL!!!!!! |
Anonymous
Forget about keeping the friend. Just get this budding sociopath as far away as possible from your family. |