Would you cut ties with friend over her DS's bad behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to hijack OPs thread, but I have a related question.

What if your child really likes the other child, how much/do you tell them about why they aren't playing together anymore?

My situation is a bit milder than OPs, I a steering my child away but she really likes the other child and considers her a BF. We have distanced from the other family (myself included) but it has raised some awkward moments.

Tell them that right now you don't like the other child's behavior and it's best that you don't play together until maybe the kids behavior improves.

What? So next time they see each other the child can repeat this? you are better off using something neutral like "they are too busy" or we are, etc.

As for the OP. you can continue your friendship minus the presence of the children. You just have to be smart about it. I did this with a good friend whose DD literally wrestled mine to the floor with her arms behind her back. I never addressed the situation out right but she was happy to meet me separately and I think she knew deep down that it wasn't a good combination our DDs playing together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to hijack OPs thread, but I have a related question.

What if your child really likes the other child, how much/do you tell them about why they aren't playing together anymore?

My situation is a bit milder than OPs, I a steering my child away but she really likes the other child and considers her a BF. We have distanced from the other family (myself included) but it has raised some awkward moments.

Tell them that right now you don't like the other child's behavior and it's best that you don't play together until maybe the kids behavior improves.

What? So next time they see each other the child can repeat this? you are better off using something neutral like "they are too busy" or we are, etc.

As for the OP. you can continue your friendship minus the presence of the children. You just have to be smart about it. I did this with a good friend whose DD literally wrestled mine to the floor with her arms behind her back. I never addressed the situation out right but she was happy to meet me separately and I think she knew deep down that it wasn't a good combination our DDs playing together.

This is what I have been doing, I just wonder if there is any merit to telling my child some of the reasons why. Kids are 8. FWIW one of the things that BF did is claw my younger son's face, they don't get along so we don't have BF over to the house anymore. My child will say she likes BF more than her brother and I tell her that her brother is family and BF is her friend and we put family first. In the example above, it was handled but it, among other reasons is why I don't invite BF over anymore.

[Anonymous]

My DD is only 3 but has twin friends the same age. She loves them but they are badly behaved and the Mom is a good friend. We had a discussion last night about how sometimes people we like don't behave well and we shouldnt copy those behaviors. I don't plan on stopping he friendship but I know that I will need to keep talking to DD about her behavior if she starts copying them.

I would stay friends OP but limit the time the boys have by themselves, if you son doesnt want to be around the other kid, then I would limit even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did your friend behave when this happened?

Yes, this.

One kid deliberately peeing on another is not within the range of normal behavior; your friend and her husband deserve to know this happened.

[Anonymous]

I was urinated on by a neighbor's child around that age. He is in prison now for child porn.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to hijack OPs thread, but I have a related question.

What if your child really likes the other child, how much/do you tell them about why they aren't playing together anymore?

My situation is a bit milder than OPs, I a steering my child away but she really likes the other child and considers her a BF. We have distanced from the other family (myself included) but it has raised some awkward moments.

Tell them that right now you don't like the other child's behavior and it's best that you don't play together until maybe the kids behavior improves.

What? So next time they see each other the child can repeat this? you are better off using something neutral like "they are too busy" or we are, etc.

As for the OP. you can continue your friendship minus the presence of the children. You just have to be smart about it. I did this with a good friend whose DD literally wrestled mine to the floor with her arms behind her back. I never addressed the situation out right but she was happy to meet me separately and I think she knew deep down that it wasn't a good combination our DDs playing together.

This is what I have been doing, I just wonder if there is any merit to telling my child some of the reasons why. Kids are 8. FWIW one of the things that BF did is claw my younger son's face, they don't get along so we don't have BF over to the house anymore. My child will say she likes BF more than her brother and I tell her that her brother is family and BF is her friend and we put family first. In the example above, it was handled but it, among other reasons is why I don't invite BF over anymore.

I am the poster who said tell your child the truth. If they are 8, then your kid needs to understand that her BF's behaviour is not acceptable and we cannot have her over. Then you need to reinforce that it is a private matter and she is not to repeat what you told her. That is a constant refrain in our house, some things are private and between family. HOWEVER, I'm the kind of person that when kids come to my house, I make it plain what our house rules are.
I will put your child in time out for acting a fool and I will also let them know that if you do not abide by our house rules the consequences are not being invited over again. It is not always comfortable, but I will tell mom and dad, "I handled it, put Larla in time out to cool off, but she would not listen, kicked the cat, broke all the toys, etc."
And if need be, I have turned down a playdate by saying "hey, kids' energies are not gelling right now, let's try for another time, let them have a break from one another for a bit".
We have become a society too unwilling to have the uncomfortable conversations and end up having kids who do not know how to hear the truth, tell the truth or deal with the truth.

[Anonymous]

Just be aware op that it can affect your friendship. I gave up on my bf because of a situation like this but I do not regret it. It was impossible to ignore the elephant in the room and when she realized what was going on she began insulting my parenting. Any time her oldest got in trouble, she would be a bitch to me and insult my parenting. I never said a thing to her about her parenting but it still became an issue.

My df's kids tried to push my dc down the stairs at her house, injured them to the point of bleeding and bruising and did the same to other children. My kids hated being anywhere confined with her kids. Her kids had been kicked out of at least two preschools. They would try to push other kids off the top of playground equipment, destroy things, and were always hitting and hurting other children. We invited them to a small museum we loved and her kids destroyed expensive items there. They damaged my home and injured another child in the space of one hour. Mom and dad are well educated professionals with a nice home in the suburbs.

It just wasn't worth it to continue and when we stopped, her anger and resentment toward me and my dc became too much.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your friend aware that her kid even has issues? Does she "explain away" his terminations from DC with "oh they just don't understand him, or other kids pick on him and he only fights back"? What did she say when she was made aware that her kid peed on your son?
Her responses to her kids behaviors would have a bearing on whether or not I'd want to continue a relationship with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was urinated on by a neighbor's child around that age. He is in prison now for child porn.....

Well that escalated quickly. WTH?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to hijack OPs thread, but I have a related question.

What if your child really likes the other child, how much/do you tell them about why they aren't playing together anymore?

My situation is a bit milder than OPs, I a steering my child away but she really likes the other child and considers her a BF. We have distanced from the other family (myself included) but it has raised some awkward moments.

Tell them that right now you don't like the other child's behavior and it's best that you don't play together until maybe the kids behavior improves.

What? So next time they see each other the child can repeat this? you are better off using something neutral like "they are too busy" or we are, etc.

As for the OP. you can continue your friendship minus the presence of the children. You just have to be smart about it. I did this with a good friend whose DD literally wrestled mine to the floor with her arms behind her back. I never addressed the situation out right but she was happy to meet me separately and I think she knew deep down that it wasn't a good combination our DDs playing together.

This is what I have been doing, I just wonder if there is any merit to telling my child some of the reasons why. Kids are 8. FWIW one of the things that BF did is claw my younger son's face, they don't get along so we don't have BF over to the house anymore. My child will say she likes BF more than her brother and I tell her that her brother is family and BF is her friend and we put family first. In the example above, it was handled but it, among other reasons is why I don't invite BF over anymore.

I am the poster who said tell your child the truth. If they are 8, then your kid needs to understand that her BF's behaviour is not acceptable and we cannot have her over. Then you need to reinforce that it is a private matter and she is not to repeat what you told her. That is a constant refrain in our house, some things are private and between family. HOWEVER, I'm the kind of person that when kids come to my house, I make it plain what our house rules are.
I will put your child in time out for acting a fool and I will also let them know that if you do not abide by our house rules the consequences are not being invited over again. It is not always comfortable, but I will tell mom and dad, "I handled it, put Larla in time out to cool off, but she would not listen, kicked the cat, broke all the toys, etc."
And if need be, I have turned down a playdate by saying "hey, kids' energies are not gelling right now, let's try for another time, let them have a break from one another for a bit".
We have become a society too unwilling to have the uncomfortable conversations and end up having kids who do not know how to hear the truth, tell the truth or deal with the truth.

Thank you, this is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to hijack OPs thread, but I have a related question.

What if your child really likes the other child, how much/do you tell them about why they aren't playing together anymore?

My situation is a bit milder than OPs, I a steering my child away but she really likes the other child and considers her a BF. We have distanced from the other family (myself included) but it has raised some awkward moments.

Tell them that right now you don't like the other child's behavior and it's best that you don't play together until maybe the kids behavior improves.

What? So next time they see each other the child can repeat this? you are better off using something neutral like "they are too busy" or we are, etc.

As for the OP. you can continue your friendship minus the presence of the children. You just have to be smart about it. I did this with a good friend whose DD literally wrestled mine to the floor with her arms behind her back. I never addressed the situation out right but she was happy to meet me separately and I think she knew deep down that it wasn't a good combination our DDs playing together.

This is what I have been doing, I just wonder if there is any merit to telling my child some of the reasons why. Kids are 8. FWIW one of the things that BF did is claw my younger son's face, they don't get along so we don't have BF over to the house anymore. My child will say she likes BF more than her brother and I tell her that her brother is family and BF is her friend and we put family first. In the example above, it was handled but it, among other reasons is why I don't invite BF over anymore.

I am the poster who said tell your child the truth. If they are 8, then your kid needs to understand that her BF's behaviour is not acceptable and we cannot have her over. Then you need to reinforce that it is a private matter and she is not to repeat what you told her. That is a constant refrain in our house, some things are private and between family. HOWEVER, I'm the kind of person that when kids come to my house, I make it plain what our house rules are.
I will put your child in time out for acting a fool and I will also let them know that if you do not abide by our house rules the consequences are not being invited over again. It is not always comfortable, but I will tell mom and dad, "I handled it, put Larla in time out to cool off, but she would not listen, kicked the cat, broke all the toys, etc."
And if need be, I have turned down a playdate by saying "hey, kids' energies are not gelling right now, let's try for another time, let them have a break from one another for a bit".
We have become a society too unwilling to have the uncomfortable conversations and end up having kids who do not know how to hear the truth, tell the truth or deal with the truth.

Thank you, this is helpful.

You are welcome, but let me add what I find to be helpful in these situations:

Be kind and careful how you phrase what you tell the parent. If you make it sound like you are giving a heads up about the behaviour and not saying their kid is a delinquent, the other parent is more often at ease and feel like you are in this together, we all are trying our best to guide and lead our kids -- it takes a village.
Also, make it clear that you welcome and are open to hearing reports on your kids' behaviour.
Something like this is what I try to say, "Hey, just want you to know, Buster had a moment; he kept trying to go out the back door w/out an adult, even though I told him not to 4 times. I had him take a time out for a few minutes, to calm down and collect himself and let him know that I know you do not allow that and want him to follow the rules and be safe at our house, just like he is at home. I figured you would want to know, because I want you to tell me if my Larla has any issues at your place.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others to keep your friend but meet without the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others to keep your friend but meet without the kids.

And you would not mention her kid peeing on yours? Heck, even if it was my kid peeing I'd say something.
Who is this friend -- R. Kelly's momma???!

[Anonymous]

If this person is truly a friend, then be a friend and tell her the truth in a compassionate, empathetic way. She needs to hear it for herself and for her child.

"Friend, several times Dougie has hit Sparky. I care about you and Dougie deeply, and want to be there for you, but I can't have Sparky and Dougie play together for the time being. I understand he's not a bad child, but I can't have this happen again. I hope you understand that this isn't about you or Dougie, whom I value, but about making sure that Sparky doesn't experience this again or get the wrong message from me."

[Anonymous]

I am not one to be paranoid about this stuff, but locking your son into a bathroom stall and peeing on him is concerning behavior beyond the realm of normal stuff. I would not let my son be alone with him.