When can I bring up the issue of texting/calling frequency?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people never pick up the phone anymore? When I was out there dating 15 years ago, obviously there was no texting but phone conversations were a way to deepen the connection between dates. Does that just not happen anymore, even when the relationship is moving forward?

I think some people just aren't into texting so it doesn't necessarily mean he's not into you, OP. How are your dates?
Do you get the sense that you're connecting wmotionally or does it seem to be more about fun, and sex?

I like dating, but hate texting. So annoying to have these stilted conversations that last forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds like on one hand you want things to be light and fun but on the other hand you want things feel closer.
I would say that you don't know yet whether this guy just doesnt need the same level of communication as you in general, or if he keeping you at a distance. Time will tell. You didn't say how long you've been dating...if it's been 1-3 months I would wait it out, and just go ahead send him a text when you want to communicate with him.

OP here. This is exactly it. I dont know if this is just his style of communication or if he wants to purposefully keep things distant and unconnected. Sometimes i feel like he can be very communicative over texts but only to "lock the deal" so to speak. He's the type of guy i adamantly avoided in my 20s.

We have been in communication since January--but only started seeing each other more regularly since June. We met online.

So then I would definitely say to give it a bit more time before you say anything. See if things naturally evolve as you get to know each other better. And if you still feel this way after you've had a few more good dates, then I think it's fine to bring it up (post again at that time and we'll help you with that ?).
Also, I think it's fine if you initiate a text when you would like to touch base. If he can't handle that then your expectations should drop to: occasional F buddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are technically still married, why are you dating? For crying out loud, is there one person in this town who doesn't have to be attached to someone 100% of the time?

She's serving as a parasite in one relationship while trying to find a host in another...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So it sounds like on one hand you want things to be light and fun but on the other hand you want things feel closer.
I would say that you don't know yet whether this guy just doesnt need the same level of communication as you in general, or if he keeping you at a distance. Time will tell. You didn't say how long you've been dating...if it's been 1-3 months I would wait it out, and just go ahead send him a text when you want to communicate with him.

OP here. This is exactly it. I dont know if this is just his style of communication or if he wants to purposefully keep things distant and unconnected. Sometimes i feel like he can be very communicative over texts but only to "lock the deal" so to speak. He's the type of guy i adamantly avoided in my 20s.

We have been in communication since January--but only started seeing each other more regularly since June. We met online.

So then I would definitely say to give it a bit more time before you say anything. See if things naturally evolve as you get to know each other better. And if you still feel this way after you've had a few more good dates, then I think it's fine to bring it up (post again at that time and we'll help you with that ?).
Also, I think it's fine if you initiate a text when you would like to touch base. If he can't handle that then your expectations should drop to: occasional F buddy.

^^ question mark was supposed to be smiley face

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are technically still married, why are you dating? For crying out loud, is there one person in this town who doesn't have to be attached to someone 100% of the time?

She's serving as a parasite in one relationship while trying to find a host in another...

NP. C'mon! My spouse cheated and left me a year ago. If we're lucky, our very simple divorce will be final in October. I'm not looking for anything serious, but, really, I'm not allowed to date for over a year, while my ex is shacked up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP. C'mon! My spouse cheated and left me a year ago. If we're lucky, our very simple divorce will be final in October. I'm not looking for anything serious, but, really, I'm not allowed to date for over a year, while my ex is shacked up?

Why can't you just fuck him without groveling over how much he texts with you and whether he initiates or not. You have a ginormous ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP. C'mon! My spouse cheated and left me a year ago. If we're lucky, our very simple divorce will be final in October. I'm not looking for anything serious, but, really, I'm not allowed to date for over a year, while my ex is shacked up?

Why can't you just fuck him without groveling over how much he texts with you and whether he initiates or not. You have a ginormous ego.

NP stands for new poster (not OP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a newly divorced mom who has started seeing a great man-same situation. When he wants, he's a very able and funny texter and I appreciate the back and forth during the day. However, I think he prefers to do without it and only text to set something up-sometimes this can be weeks in between dates. I always break down and text and he does respond but I'm tired of initiating it. Is this something I can bring up to someone I haven't been dating that long and whom I'm not exclusive with yet without appearing super needy? When would it be appropriate to say "hey--it would be nice to hear more from you".

You sound needy as all hell. No wonder he resists initiating contact with you.

Why do I sound "needy as hell"? Because I admitted to enjoying back and forth banter with someone I'm having sex with?

OP, the problem is that you seem to need a certain level of intimacy/connection with someone you're sleeping with, but didn't establish that intimacy/connection before having sex with him. Instead, you had sex first, and now are trying to force a kind of connection that may not suit his personality or that he might not be ready for.

[Anonymous]

Dear wife, I promise to be nice to you and provide the emotional attention and sex you need to keep you happy so I never have to date again and play these games.

Sincerely,


Your husband

[Anonymous]

OP, have you written about this here before? Are you the woman who had sex with the guy on the third date and then worried about what it meant, and those 3 dates had taken 5 or 6 months to have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you written about this here before? Are you the woman who had sex with the guy on the third date and then worried about what it meant, and those 3 dates had taken 5 or 6 months to have?

I was wondering too if it was the same person. OP, even if you force this guy to text more often, another issue will crop up because you have fundamental differences in what you want from a relationship. It isn't just a few isolated surface things. These are just the tip of the iceberg. Do you want to always feel dissatisfied and uneasy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you written about this here before? Are you the woman who had sex with the guy on the third date and then worried about what it meant, and those 3 dates had taken 5 or 6 months to have?

I have written about this before and I am that person but the span of time isn't the issue for me-. That part makes sense. It is more the level of contact after a date. I think he isn't a banter type guy and I'm thinking k need banter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people never pick up the phone anymore? When I was out there dating 15 years ago, obviously there was no texting but phone conversations were a way to deepen the connection between dates. Does that just not happen anymore, even when the relationship is moving forward?

I think some people just aren't into texting so it doesn't necessarily mean he's not into you, OP. How are your dates?
Do you get the sense that you're connecting wmotionally or does it seem to be more about fun, and sex?

The dates are fine-they are what I need them to be at the moment. Not more-not less. There is a lot of awkwardness to them but it has been acknowledged that it is due to chemistry. He does keep his distance but we are both working our way out of divorces so it is understandable. He is a very typical frat type guy from the army and seems to operate by dating rules I spent my 30s avoiding. So I wonder if there is any truth to that rubber band effect that one of the PPs brought up.

I mean my 20s.

OP the two of you literally do not mesh well. Just reading the descriptions of your dates makes my skin crawl. Supremely awkward. This had no long term potential based on what you write and how you feel. Fuck him and enjoy it or break it off and work on healing yourself and figuring out why you are so desperate to make things work with emotionally incompatible and unavailable men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people never pick up the phone anymore? When I was out there dating 15 years ago, obviously there was no texting but phone conversations were a way to deepen the connection between dates. Does that just not happen anymore, even when the relationship is moving forward?

I think some people just aren't into texting so it doesn't necessarily mean he's not into you, OP. How are your dates?
Do you get the sense that you're connecting wmotionally or does it seem to be more about fun, and sex?

The dates are fine-they are what I need them to be at the moment. Not more-not less. There is a lot of awkwardness to them but it has been acknowledged that it is due to chemistry. He does keep his distance but we are both working our way out of divorces so it is understandable. He is a very typical frat type guy from the army and seems to operate by dating rules I spent my 30s avoiding. So I wonder if there is any truth to that rubber band effect that one of the PPs brought up.

You need to talk to him on the phone instead of texting. You can tell a lot of nonverbal stuff from talking on the phone, like if he likes you, if he's interested in what you have to say, if he cares about you, etc. Im also from the time when dating was in person and by phone. Tell him you prefer phone calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people never pick up the phone anymore? When I was out there dating 15 years ago, obviously there was no texting but phone conversations were a way to deepen the connection between dates. Does that just not happen anymore, even when the relationship is moving forward?

I think some people just aren't into texting so it doesn't necessarily mean he's not into you, OP. How are your dates?
Do you get the sense that you're connecting wmotionally or does it seem to be more about fun, and sex?

The dates are fine-they are what I need them to be at the moment. Not more-not less. There is a lot of awkwardness to them but it has been acknowledged that it is due to chemistry. He does keep his distance but we are both working our way out of divorces so it is understandable. He is a very typical frat type guy from the army and seems to operate by dating rules I spent my 30s avoiding. So I wonder if there is any truth to that rubber band effect that one of the PPs brought up.

why on earth are you having sex with him?