Separation & Divorce - Need Insights

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question to 16:14 and pp, so what happens when you dot down and have the divorce talk? I would think the other person is scared sh$tless seeing their life turned upside down. it must be a horrible situation.

16:14 here. I set up a play date for DD with a friend who I told in advance why. It felt shitty to tell someone before my husband but I needed her to be flexible with how long she'd keep DD because I was expecting trouble. When I got back, I told him we needed to talk, that I wanted a divorce, that my mind was made up. He was truly shocked. There was a lot of "how can you do this" and "I can't believe this is happening." He cried. I cried. We took off our rings. I packed some stuff and told him that I was going to stay in a hotel while we figured out what came next. When I was packing, I texted DD's play date to bring her back. Then I left.

It was so scary but not as bad as I feared it would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reconciliation doesn't seem to be an option at this point. I'm looking for suggestions for handling the separation/divorce. My question to those who have "been there, done that" is if you had it to do over again, what would you do differently? TIA!

If you are a man expect your ex-wife to use your children against you. She will tell the lies prevent them from talking to you on the phone. She will not follow the custody agreements. She will steal their child support and bank accounts and put that money in her name. She will call all your friends and harass them. She will call you and harass you for years. Eventually your children will learn to hate you because if they don't their mother will punish them. In the end you will not a relationship with your children no matter what you do and the children will blame you because mothers use their children against the fathers. This is the case even when the woman files for divorce because she was on the internet with other men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question to 16:14 and pp, so what happens when you dot down and have the divorce talk? I would think the other person is scared sh$tless seeing their life turned upside down. it must be a horrible situation.

16:14 here. I set up a play date for DD with a friend who I told in advance why. It felt shitty to tell someone before my husband but I needed her to be flexible with how long she'd keep DD because I was expecting trouble. When I got back, I told him we needed to talk, that I wanted a divorce, that my mind was made up. He was truly shocked. There was a lot of "how can you do this" and "I can't believe this is happening." He cried. I cried. We took off our rings. I packed some stuff and told him that I was going to stay in a hotel while we figured out what came next. When I was packing, I texted DD's play date to bring her back. Then I left.

It was so scary but not as bad as I feared it would be.

for better or worse... until death do us part.... or the woman wants something better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that "children are resilient" is a pretty flippant way to address a complicated situation. It seems dismissive of perfectly legitimate concerns that parents have about the effect that their divorce will have on their child(ren).

I am the child of divorce and am also divorced and remarried. Children are resilient in that while many if not most children will experience distress as a result of a divorce, that distress is not automatically a life-ruining permanent state. I was pretty distressed when my parents got divorced, but I went on to have good relationships with both of them and generally not having relationship issues myself as an adult. (My divorce aside, obviously. I actually credit my parents' divorce with my ability to recognize that my marriage was really and truly salvageable and moving on.)

When I was getting divorced, rather than having people say "Children are resilient, she'll be fine" I would have rathered them say things like, "This is a time when it's important that she know that she has two parents who love her no matter what" or "Help her to understand the new structure of her life and try to keep things as consistent as possible so that she doesn't have to contend with a whole bunch of surprises and unpredictability on top of everything else." I would have appreciated people saying, "You are a good mom, even though you are doing this thing that will be hard for everyone for a while." I felt like "children are resilient" is pretty blaming - on the parent, for doing shitty stuff to their kid but it's okay, because RESILIENT, and on the child, because you're RESILIENT and therefore should not have these feelings you have.

+1 on the whole comment. It's sad that "not in a permanent and life-ruining state of distress" is where the bar is set for children of divorce. My mom loves to say "children are resilient" and points to my achievements as evidence that my life isn't ruined, and it's a really silencing experience for me. I'm not allowed to express any negative thoughts about her divorce, even indirectly refer to the hassle of getting my toddlers to visit both grandparents separately, because she will just lecture me about my resilience as if the Resilience Fairy is going to make all the hassles go away.

It probably makes her feel guilty.

No doubt it does. But so what? I don't even disagree with her decision to get divorced. But it negatively affects our relationship because we have give the subject a wide berth, so there's a lot we can't really talk about. I have no choice but to accept and accommodate her divorce, I just wish she could accept my experience and my opinions as well.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I agree with you. My mom is a lot like this. Not divorced, but she wasn't a very good mom. I have to tread carefully when I talk so as not to offend her. We'll never be able to get off a superficial level, but I'm okay with that at this point.

Most mothers don't care what happens to the children. Its all about them. Remember they wanted the right to kill us before we were born. Most moms see their kids a meal tickets during divorce because they get more money from the father for each child in the picture. that is why they fight for custody.

[Anonymous]

Go away, MRA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question to 16:14 and pp, so what happens when you dot down and have the divorce talk? I would think the other person is scared sh$tless seeing their life turned upside down. it must be a horrible situation.

I think it really varies based on the circumstances. It isn't necessarily a big surprise, and some people are better at dealing with this sort of thing, or have local family or know other divorced people so it isn't as unfamiliar. But I imagine it's usually pretty tough.

It still must suck. Unless the spouse is a raving ahole, to have to talk to someone you once loved about ending it has to trigger every possible emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question to 16:14 and pp, so what happens when you dot down and have the divorce talk? I would think the other person is scared sh$tless seeing their life turned upside down. it must be a horrible situation.

Yep. My ex-wife didn't even have a sit down with me. He lawyer told her to clean out the savings account and leave the house. I noticed 10s of thousands of dollars missing from one of our accounts so I called my wife. She didn't answer. I went home to find things missing from the house. I was worried so I called the police because I didn't know what happened. the police were starting to look for her and I was calling all her friends when one of her friend admitted they knew where she was. She took the kids over to her house and she was there with 4 or 5 of her friends and their kids talking about the divorce in front of all the kids. My son told the therapist (the therapist told me later) that he said it was the worst experience for him.

I was blind sided. Betrayed. Hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I felt like saying but never said was "if he is such a jerk, then why did you choose to marry him and have two kids with him?"

Because women put out for jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a big mistake by deciding to sell the house right away. Ex wanted his equity out and I really didn't want to remain living in "our" home.

2nd mistake was buying another home right after I sold the marital home.

Yes, heaven forbid you rent and throw money away...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question to 16:14 and pp, so what happens when you dot down and have the divorce talk? I would think the other person is scared sh$tless seeing their life turned upside down. it must be a horrible situation.

Yep. My ex-wife didn't even have a sit down with me. He lawyer told her to clean out the savings account and leave the house. I noticed 10s of thousands of dollars missing from one of our accounts so I called my wife. She didn't answer. I went home to find things missing from the house. I was worried so I called the police because I didn't know what happened. the police were starting to look for her and I was calling all her friends when one of her friend admitted they knew where she was. She took the kids over to her house and she was there with 4 or 5 of her friends and their kids talking about the divorce in front of all the kids. My son told the therapist (the therapist told me later) that he said it was the worst experience for him.

I was blind sided. Betrayed. Hurt.

And what was her reason for the divorce and humiliating you? Why did you deserve that? I hope you are remarried to someone worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question to 16:14 and pp, so what happens when you dot down and have the divorce talk? I would think the other person is scared sh$tless seeing their life turned upside down. it must be a horrible situation.

Yep. My ex-wife didn't even have a sit down with me. He lawyer told her to clean out the savings account and leave the house. I noticed 10s of thousands of dollars missing from one of our accounts so I called my wife. She didn't answer. I went home to find things missing from the house. I was worried so I called the police because I didn't know what happened. the police were starting to look for her and I was calling all her friends when one of her friend admitted they knew where she was. She took the kids over to her house and she was there with 4 or 5 of her friends and their kids talking about the divorce in front of all the kids. My son told the therapist (the therapist told me later) that he said it was the worst experience for him.

I was blind sided. Betrayed. Hurt.

And what was her reason for the divorce and humiliating you? Why did you deserve that? I hope you are remarried to someone worth it.

you think doing that to someone can be justified? You totally overlooked what she did to the children. That behavior (and divorce in general) spreads pain all around and especially to the children. Is it every "justified" to humiliate a child in public like that because the husband deserves it? You must be a wonderful mother.... (sarcasm).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question to 16:14 and pp, so what happens when you dot down and have the divorce talk? I would think the other person is scared sh$tless seeing their life turned upside down. it must be a horrible situation.

Yep. My ex-wife didn't even have a sit down with me. He lawyer told her to clean out the savings account and leave the house. I noticed 10s of thousands of dollars missing from one of our accounts so I called my wife. She didn't answer. I went home to find things missing from the house. I was worried so I called the police because I didn't know what happened. the police were starting to look for her and I was calling all her friends when one of her friend admitted they knew where she was. She took the kids over to her house and she was there with 4 or 5 of her friends and their kids talking about the divorce in front of all the kids. My son told the therapist (the therapist told me later) that he said it was the worst experience for him.

I was blind sided. Betrayed. Hurt.

And what was her reason for the divorce and humiliating you? Why did you deserve that? I hope you are remarried to someone worth it.

you think doing that to someone can be justified? You totally overlooked what she did to the children. That behavior (and divorce in general) spreads pain all around and especially to the children. Is it every "justified" to humiliate a child in public like that because the husband deserves it? You must be a wonderful mother.... (sarcasm).

What? It is clear the PP meant that phrase as in you did NOT deserve that. This is an example of where solid liberal arts education is helpful to understand words in context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question to 16:14 and pp, so what happens when you dot down and have the divorce talk? I would think the other person is scared sh$tless seeing their life turned upside down. it must be a horrible situation.

16:14 here. I set up a play date for DD with a friend who I told in advance why. It felt shitty to tell someone before my husband but I needed her to be flexible with how long she'd keep DD because I was expecting trouble. When I got back, I told him we needed to talk, that I wanted a divorce, that my mind was made up. He was truly shocked. There was a lot of "how can you do this" and "I can't believe this is happening." He cried. I cried. We took off our rings. I packed some stuff and told him that I was going to stay in a hotel while we figured out what came next. When I was packing, I texted DD's play date to bring her back. Then I left.

It was so scary but not as bad as I feared it would be.

for better or worse... until death do us part.... or the woman wants something better!

Go fuck yourself. Or at least find another thread.

[Anonymous]

One of the mistakes I made was assuming DD16 would continue to be a pretty well-behaved kid despite all the upheaval and the lack of supervision. I was naive/in denial and didn't want to read any parenting books or articles that said negative things about children of divorce, and I was really preoccupied with the divorce stuff so I wasn't totally on top of my game with her. I thought because exH and I didn't fight much, things would be fine. But DD really took advantage of the situation, and it showed in her grades and in her behavior with boys. It was very hard for her to recover academically in time for college applications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't prepared for the person I'd been with for 13 years, who I had always fundamentally believed was a decent guy, to turn into a raging asshole. We had always had a pleasant existence. Our initial break-up was sad, but not angry or spiteful. Then, when it came time to deal with all the practical concerns--housing, cars, furniture, etc. he was a complete prick. He did his best to hurt me in every way possible. And to actually screw me out of money/property. I was so taken aback, as were our mutual friends. No one would have suspected it based on his personality. (and it was his idea first to split!) I ended up just wanting to get away from the new pain he was causing me as soon as possible and so I got royally screwed on the "settlement" aspect of it. I guess I wish I could have just known that, despite the fact that he and I had said we were going to handle the breakup "like friends" that it's not necessarily true. Maybe I could have been more emotionally prepared and stood my ground on some things.

This was exactly my experience, except the marriage lasted 17 years. I went with a milquetoast attorney at first, and then after a few months when I realized that I was in danger of being stuck with a ton of debt and possibly losing custody of my kids, fired her and hired a "bulldog." OP, if your current spouse has controlling tendencies, be prepared for him/her to turn into a raging asshole. The controlling person gets WAY worse when he/she realizes that control is being lost. Good luck!

+1
This was me too. And 17 years as well. Except that I did one thing right in that I hired a solid attorney from the get-go. That has been a lifesaver for me. I also got myself and my kids into therapy asap. Also a lifesaver. While this has mitigated some of the damage, I am still saddled with some serious financial fallout that will take me years to unravel. And my ex has not paid a dime in support, and cheerfully handed me full custody. He barely sees the kids, which is awful for them. I wish at least he would step up and be a father. I am surprised that he bailed on the kids that he used to dote on so completely. It's horrible to watch. I'm not sorry I divorced, but I'm sorry that I had to. That part sucks. But you have to deal with the reality of your situation, not the way you wish it was. Or wasn't. Hugs and good luck.