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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that "children are resilient" is a pretty flippant way to address a complicated situation. It seems dismissive of perfectly legitimate concerns that parents have about the effect that their divorce will have on their child(ren).

I am the child of divorce and am also divorced and remarried. Children are resilient in that while many if not most children will experience distress as a result of a divorce, that distress is not automatically a life-ruining permanent state. I was pretty distressed when my parents got divorced, but I went on to have good relationships with both of them and generally not having relationship issues myself as an adult. (My divorce aside, obviously. I actually credit my parents' divorce with my ability to recognize that my marriage was really and truly salvageable and moving on.)

When I was getting divorced, rather than having people say "Children are resilient, she'll be fine" I would have rathered them say things like, "This is a time when it's important that she know that she has two parents who love her no matter what" or "Help her to understand the new structure of her life and try to keep things as consistent as possible so that she doesn't have to contend with a whole bunch of surprises and unpredictability on top of everything else." I would have appreciated people saying, "You are a good mom, even though you are doing this thing that will be hard for everyone for a while." I felt like "children are resilient" is pretty blaming - on the parent, for doing shitty stuff to their kid but it's okay, because RESILIENT, and on the child, because you're RESILIENT and therefore should not have these feelings you have.[/quote]

+1 on the whole comment.  It's sad that "not in a permanent and life-ruining state of distress" is where the bar is set for children of divorce.  My mom loves to say "children are resilient" and points to my achievements as evidence that my life isn't ruined, and it's a really silencing experience for me.  [b]I'm not allowed to express any negative thoughts about her divorce[/b], even indirectly refer to the hassle of getting my toddlers to visit both grandparents separately, because she will just lecture me about my resilience as if the Resilience Fairy is going to make all the hassles go away.  [/quote]

It probably makes her feel guilty.[/quote]

No doubt it does.  But so what?  I don't even disagree with her decision to get divorced.  But it negatively affects our relationship because we have give the subject a wide berth, so there's a lot we can't really talk about.  I have no choice but to accept and accommodate her divorce, I just wish she could accept my experience and my opinions as well.  [/quote]

Oh, don't get me wrong, I agree with you. My mom is a lot like this. Not divorced, but she wasn't a very good mom. I have to tread carefully when I talk so as not to offend her. We'll never be able to get off a superficial level, but I'm okay with that at this point.

[/quote]

Most mothers don't care what happens to the children. Its all about them. Remember they wanted the right to kill us before we were born. Most moms see their kids a meal tickets during divorce because they get more money from the father for each child in the picture. that is why they fight for custody.[/quote]

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