Filled with anger!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is what Uber is perfect for. I'm not kidding--arrange for transportation that doesn't require you or your DH to participate. That way, your mom gets to see her brother without requiring interaction between you or your DH and him.

It's a five hour drive.

Your DH was going to drive 10 hours just to have your mom visit her asshole brother?! The man is a saint but that is ridiculous. No way.

He was going to eat yummy food, lounge in the pool, and get a break from changing diapers, so he was ok with it! He doesn't give a shit about my family drama really.

Ok, being male and not a blood relation, he could get away with that. But remember, you are setting a precedent here of your family going out of their way to accommodate your uncle's family. You and DH should discuss what your approach will be going forward even if he does take your mom in this road trip.

[Anonymous]

This is op. Ok. I will talk to my family about this. I truly do not want to see them.

My aunt has long held the position that this is none of my business, and that even if my uncle keeps the money, it doesn't matter, she has a lot of money and gives my mother what she needs, my uncle can keep the money if he wants it that much. I disagree with the presumption that we should let people walk all over us because they really want to. DH sort of agrees, in a "why bother making drama, it's old family history stuff" sort of way. So it will basically be me against everyone. I don't care, though. I am done watching my mother getting stepped on and used.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I mean DH agrees with my aunt, not with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is op. Ok. I will talk to my family about this. I truly do not want to see them.

My aunt has long held the position that this is none of my business, and that even if my uncle keeps the money, it doesn't matter, she has a lot of money and gives my mother what she needs, my uncle can keep the money if he wants it that much. I disagree with the presumption that we should let people walk all over us because they really want to. DH sort of agrees, in a "why bother making drama, it's old family history stuff" sort of way. So it will basically be me against everyone. I don't care, though. I am done watching my mother getting stepped on and used.

Perhaps your aunt subconsciously likes your mom being subservient to her and your uncle. She determines how much to give your mother but your mother must justify or "need" it. If your uncle gave your mother the proceeds from the land sale, she would be less dependent on her two siblings. I would be just as furious in your shoes. I wish you peace with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is op. Ok. I will talk to my family about this. I truly do not want to see them.

My aunt has long held the position that this is none of my business, and that even if my uncle keeps the money, it doesn't matter, she has a lot of money and gives my mother what she needs, my uncle can keep the money if he wants it that much. I disagree with the presumption that we should let people walk all over us because they really want to. DH sort of agrees, in a "why bother making drama, it's old family history stuff" sort of way. So it will basically be me against everyone. I don't care, though. I am done watching my mother getting stepped on and used.

It is absolutely your business! Your mom lives with YOU and is financially destitute. If your aunt shuts off the financial and "emotional" aid, you and DH are on the hook for all of it. The proceeds from the land sale could definitely ease the financial pressure of your mother's current and future expenses. If your DH thinks it is worth it to kiss up to your aunt and extended family while your uncle treats her like crap, you might have to compromise your integrity and peace of mind for the sake of your marriage. I would hope not but you and DH must discuss what both of you are willing to do. He might be fine doing the occasional long schlep and not mind being their sightseeing guide while you make other plans. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

The best thing to do is have NO CONTACT with this man and his family.

I come from a developed European country, and my uncle STILL managed to steal my mother and my aunts's inheritance. This can always happen in families where the male heir is set up on a pedestal and his sisters have had it ingrained into them early on that they have no rights, even when they do!

There is no need to fight this for so little money and so little chance of winning. But there is great need to say:

"Uncle, we cannot receive you in our home. You have stolen and profited from my mother's property and never made restitution. You are a thief and stole from a vulnerable member of your family whom you should have protected. Shame on you. We disown you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The best thing to do is have NO CONTACT with this man and his family.

I come from a developed European country, and my uncle STILL managed to steal my mother and my aunts's inheritance. This can always happen in families where the male heir is set up on a pedestal and his sisters have had it ingrained into them early on that they have no rights, even when they do!

There is no need to fight this for so little money and so little chance of winning. But there is great need to say:

"Uncle, we cannot receive you in our home. You have stolen and profited from my mother's property and never made restitution. You are a thief and stole from a vulnerable member of your family whom you should have protected. Shame on you. We disown you."

+1. Agree completely but OP's DH is not on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is op. Ok. I will talk to my family about this. I truly do not want to see them.

My aunt has long held the position that this is none of my business, and that even if my uncle keeps the money, it doesn't matter, she has a lot of money and gives my mother what she needs, my uncle can keep the money if he wants it that much. I disagree with the presumption that we should let people walk all over us because they really want to. DH sort of agrees, in a "why bother making drama, it's old family history stuff" sort of way. So it will basically be me against everyone. I don't care, though. I am done watching my mother getting stepped on and used.

Perhaps your aunt subconsciously likes your mom being subservient to her and your uncle. She determines how much to give your mother but your mother must justify or "need" it. If your uncle gave your mother the proceeds from the land sale, she would be less dependent on her two siblings. I would be just as furious in your shoes. I wish you peace with whatever you decide.

This is op- wow pp you are astute, at least more astute than I have been for most of my life. My aunt definitely likes to be the saviour/martyr and "help" with money, etc., but it is really all in the service of controlling other people and having them be subservient to her and do what SHE wants, or thinks is right, in the end. I learned that the hard way, of course. My mother is mentally ill and demanding but she ultimately follows my aunt in everything. It's a really ugly dynamic because everyone in our family wants to manipulate everyone else.

I am getting angrier the longer this thread goes on. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm glad you weren't raised there and your children aren't raised with these expectations. The whole thing is wrong and sickening.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm going on a limb here and presuming you come from a Muslim-majority country. If I am right (and I may be completely wrong), then you know that sometimes there is a wide rift between what the religion prescribes and what the culture permits. Islam places great importance on property rights and respecting what is and isn't yours. There is nothing in Islamic law that would allow a brother usurp a sister's inheritance, nothing whatsoever. If he did that, he has committed a great sin. It may be worth it to tell him he's a bad Muslim, and by the book, you will be completely right.

Secondly, get it out of your head that this isn't your business. It is. It is your circus and your monkeys. If someone has wronged your mother, it is perfectly legitimate to be outraged with them and do what you can to punish them and rectify the wrongs.

Thirdly, you don't live in that country any more, and there can be no consequences if you tell your uncle to his face he's a POS and you have no respect for him and want nothing to do with him or his family. I mean, you're married already, what could possibly happen? It's not going to jeopardize your property, your marital prospects or your standing in the community, so why are you holding back? believe me, there is great satisfaction in calling a scoundrel a scoundrel. Why are you suppressing this? You should be looking for ways to make your feelings as clear as possible, not to hide them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going on a limb here and presuming you come from a Muslim-majority country. If I am right (and I may be completely wrong), then you know that sometimes there is a wide rift between what the religion prescribes and what the culture permits. Islam places great importance on property rights and respecting what is and isn't yours. There is nothing in Islamic law that would allow a brother usurp a sister's inheritance, nothing whatsoever. If he did that, he has committed a great sin. It may be worth it to tell him he's a bad Muslim, and by the book, you will be completely right.

Secondly, get it out of your head that this isn't your business. It is. It is your circus and your monkeys. If someone has wronged your mother, it is perfectly legitimate to be outraged with them and do what you can to punish them and rectify the wrongs.

Thirdly, you don't live in that country any more, and there can be no consequences if you tell your uncle to his face he's a POS and you have no respect for him and want nothing to do with him or his family. I mean, you're married already, what could possibly happen? It's not going to jeopardize your property, your marital prospects or your standing in the community, so why are you holding back? believe me, there is great satisfaction in calling a scoundrel a scoundrel. Why are you suppressing this? You should be looking for ways to make your feelings as clear as possible, not to hide them!

Close. We are from a Muslim country but not Muslims ourselves. Hence the safety issues and my mother's inability to sell her own freaking land, because we are a minority from a dangerous area of an already dangerous country. My uncle has milked this fact for decades now, as one of his excuses for not selling the property.

There are so, so many things I want to say to my uncle. I want to tell him what a POS garbage and failure he is, how he isn't a "man" by any standard of his own culture, because a real man would have protected his baby sister and noted that she was suffering from mental illness, or at the very least made sure that she was marrying someone decent. Instead, he pressured her to marry a near stranger who didn't understand and couldn't handle the mess he was getting into, just so that he could have his parents' house to himself. So many people have suffered because of his selfishness. He was treated like a golden child and spoiled rotten, and still lives off money left by his parents, who died decades ago, and his siblings still let him do whatever he wants.

How he gets away with it I don't know. He is charming and feigns concern for my mother and aunt. Oh his poor baby sisters living without a man so far away, however do they take care of themselves? He was happy when I got married because, finally, we'd have a man around!

I want to tell him to go F&^% himself so, so badly. I am just getting more aggravated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going on a limb here and presuming you come from a Muslim-majority country. If I am right (and I may be completely wrong), then you know that sometimes there is a wide rift between what the religion prescribes and what the culture permits. Islam places great importance on property rights and respecting what is and isn't yours. There is nothing in Islamic law that would allow a brother usurp a sister's inheritance, nothing whatsoever. If he did that, he has committed a great sin. It may be worth it to tell him he's a bad Muslim, and by the book, you will be completely right.

Secondly, get it out of your head that this isn't your business. It is. It is your circus and your monkeys. If someone has wronged your mother, it is perfectly legitimate to be outraged with them and do what you can to punish them and rectify the wrongs.

Thirdly, you don't live in that country any more, and there can be no consequences if you tell your uncle to his face he's a POS and you have no respect for him and want nothing to do with him or his family. I mean, you're married already, what could possibly happen? It's not going to jeopardize your property, your marital prospects or your standing in the community, so why are you holding back? believe me, there is great satisfaction in calling a scoundrel a scoundrel. Why are you suppressing this? You should be looking for ways to make your feelings as clear as possible, not to hide them!

Close. We are from a Muslim country but not Muslims ourselves. Hence the safety issues and my mother's inability to sell her own freaking land, because we are a minority from a dangerous area of an already dangerous country. My uncle has milked this fact for decades now, as one of his excuses for not selling the property.

There are so, so many things I want to say to my uncle. I want to tell him what a POS garbage and failure he is, how he isn't a "man" by any standard of his own culture, because a real man would have protected his baby sister and noted that she was suffering from mental illness, or at the very least made sure that she was marrying someone decent. Instead, he pressured her to marry a near stranger who didn't understand and couldn't handle the mess he was getting into, just so that he could have his parents' house to himself. So many people have suffered because of his selfishness. He was treated like a golden child and spoiled rotten, and still lives off money left by his parents, who died decades ago, and his siblings still let him do whatever he wants.

How he gets away with it I don't know. He is charming and feigns concern for my mother and aunt. Oh his poor baby sisters living without a man so far away, however do they take care of themselves? He was happy when I got married because, finally, we'd have a man around!

I want to tell him to go F&^% himself so, so badly. I am just getting more aggravated.

It sounds like cutting all contact with him is the right thing to do, OP. This isn't about being "American" vs being from your home culture. This is about associating with those who treat you with respect, and choosing not to associate with those who are toxic and disrespectful. There is no reason you should welcome ill into your home. Respect yourself, and your family by drawing the line here and now.

[Anonymous]

It's unfortunate that you will be made the bad guy in this situation by doing the right thing. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The best thing to do is have NO CONTACT with this man and his family.

I come from a developed European country, and my uncle STILL managed to steal my mother and my aunts's inheritance. This can always happen in families where the male heir is set up on a pedestal and his sisters have had it ingrained into them early on that they have no rights, even when they do!

There is no need to fight this for so little money and so little chance of winning. But there is great need to say:

"Uncle, we cannot receive you in our home. You have stolen and profited from my mother's property and never made restitution. You are a thief and stole from a vulnerable member of your family whom you should have protected. Shame on you. We disown you."

+1. Agree completely but OP's DH is not on board.

PP you were responding to - I understand that the husband is waffling, which is a sign he's scared stiff. OP needs to step up.

A little more about my family inheritance feud. I stepped up. None of my aunts or mother were willing to go up against my uncle, his powerful friends and his overbearing wife. I researched the exact article of law that should have protected my aunts' and mother's inheritance and convinced them they had to go see a reputable lawyer. The last lawyer they had seen was a friend of their brother's! Duh. The matter was solved in court rapidly, except that the inheritance, after more than a quarter century, was down to practically nothing. The important thing is that my aunts and mother were vindicated in public. The family split between supporters of my aunts and supporters of my uncle, who is a well-known figure in my country and will always have followers and hangers-on no matter what he does. The other side hates us and my cousin even threatened us with the mafia.
I don't regret doing what I did. Someone had to correct the unfairness.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I laid down the gauntlet with my aunt. Her response was:

Calm down, why are you so upset about this?
Selling the land is dangerous, I'm sure he is doing his very best to sell the land (for 30 f#$@ing years!!)
We have no need for any money, who cares about money, I'll take care of everything
This is your family, they're the only family you have, and you have to accept them


My response was:
No one screws with my mother without dealing with me;
We don't "need" the money, but it doesn't matter, it's not HIS money
It's not hard to sell the land, that's a big load of bs;
stop patronizing me;
I grew up in the US, far away from these awful people, I didn't need anything from them then and I don't need them now; I don't want anything to do with them and I don't want my children to know they exist.

And finally, I asked her- has he EVER shown any concern for my mother's well-being, ever? She had no answer and said that the past is in the past and we are family.

Hopefully she will sense that I am serious and say something to my uncle.

Now I have to decide who else to send the message to- my blabbermouth gossipy cousin? I am hoping that the potential embarrassment of having these issues hashed out nudges him toward selling the land (if that was his intention). He told everyone that he wanted to sell it, but is now dragging his feet. We have a month. I am thinking of confronting him on Skype if I have the opportunity. If he doesn't sell the land and I do snub him when he arrives, it will be pretty serious and a pretty embarrassing thing for him. It's the least he deserves.