Filled with anger!

[Anonymous]

This is a very complicated situation so I will leave out a lot of details:

My mother grew up in a country that is now dangerous, and has limited rights for women (and is dangerous for women!). When her parents died, her brother took control of her inheritance, a piece of land that he has been farming for the last 30 years. He has never shared profit on this farming with my mother.

This year, he is immigrating to the US to be with his daughter, and he promised to my mother to sell the land. My mother has mental illness issues and no job, and no money. She lives with me and my aunt (her sister) provides her a lot of financial and emotional support). The land she "owns" is worth about $60,000, and she has repeatedly told her brother she really wants her money. After he got her hopes up, he is now telling her that the buyer for the land is not offering enough money. It's pretty clear he has no intention of selling the land, ever. My mother expressed some pathetic disappointment, as she always has when he screws her over.

I know this is my mother's problem, and it has nothing to do with me, but I am So. Freaking. Done.

Throughout her life, my uncle has taken advantage of my mother, taken money from her when he needed it, etc., but he has never protected or helped her even though he is a physician and she has always clearly had mental illness problems. He pushed her into an arranged marriage with a man who turned out to be awful after my grandfather died, mostly because he wanted to get on with his life and she was living in my grandfather's house (which he subsequently took possession of). She has never stood up for herself and loves him so much even though he is a shit of a human being. Now, when he comes to the US, I'm expected to schlep my mother to my aunt's house, visit with him and his awful wife and his awful daughter and play nice, and even have them come and visit me in DC (!!!) so that he can sightsee.

Every ounce of my being is screaming NO! I honestly want to completely cut these people out of my life. I do not want to visit them, I do not want to have them visit me. I want my children to grow up not knowing that they exist. I am literally sitting at work, unable to work, seething with silent rage. I know that this is irrational but I still feel it. Help me! Help me calm down, at least, talk some sense into me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a very complicated situation so I will leave out a lot of details:

My mother grew up in a country that is now dangerous, and has limited rights for women (and is dangerous for women!). When her parents died, her brother took control of her inheritance, a piece of land that he has been farming for the last 30 years. He has never shared profit on this farming with my mother.

This year, he is immigrating to the US to be with his daughter, and he promised to my mother to sell the land. My mother has mental illness issues and no job, and no money. She lives with me and my aunt (her sister) provides her a lot of financial and emotional support). The land she "owns" is worth about $60,000, and she has repeatedly told her brother she really wants her money. After he got her hopes up, he is now telling her that the buyer for the land is not offering enough money. It's pretty clear he has no intention of selling the land, ever. My mother expressed some pathetic disappointment, as she always has when he screws her over.

I know this is my mother's problem, and it has nothing to do with me, but I am So. Freaking. Done.

Throughout her life, my uncle has taken advantage of my mother, taken money from her when he needed it, etc., but he has never protected or helped her even though he is a physician and she has always clearly had mental illness problems. He pushed her into an arranged marriage with a man who turned out to be awful after my grandfather died, mostly because he wanted to get on with his life and she was living in my grandfather's house (which he subsequently took possession of). She has never stood up for herself and loves him so much even though he is a shit of a human being. Now, when he comes to the US, I'm expected to schlep my mother to my aunt's house, visit with him and his awful wife and his awful daughter and play nice, and even have them come and visit me in DC (!!!) so that he can sightsee.

Every ounce of my being is screaming NO! I honestly want to completely cut these people out of my life. I do not want to visit them, I do not want to have them visit me. I want my children to grow up not knowing that they exist. I am literally sitting at work, unable to work, seething with silent rage. I know that this is irrational but I still feel it. Help me! Help me calm down, at least, talk some sense into me!

On what planet is this rage anything but totally RATIONAL! That's your indoctrination creeping a little there, that you feel like your feelings are irrational because they aren't what the "male/ head/elder" dictates they should be. BS. I'd start with VERY low contact and expectations (if any, if you really feel like you need to bring your mom there once or something)

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. Repeat to yourself: Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

[Anonymous]

No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. Repeat to yourself: Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

I have been!! It's not working anymore (or ever)! I feel like I am going nuts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way.

Don't let them come OP. Just don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
On what planet is this rage anything but totally RATIONAL! That's your indoctrination creeping a little there, that you feel like your feelings are irrational because they aren't what the "male/ head/elder" dictates they should be. BS. I'd start with VERY low contact and expectations (if any, if you really feel like you need to bring your mom there once or something)

Well I prefer to think of myself as not-indoctrinated, but now that you bring it up, I have been told my entire life (by females!) that my feelings are not justified and don't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
On what planet is this rage anything but totally RATIONAL! That's your indoctrination creeping a little there, that you feel like your feelings are irrational because they aren't what the "male/ head/elder" dictates they should be. BS. I'd start with VERY low contact and expectations (if any, if you really feel like you need to bring your mom there once or something)

Well I prefer to think of myself as not-indoctrinated, but now that you bring it up, I have been told my entire life (by females!) that my feelings are not justified and don't matter.

Your feelings are justified and they matter. They absolutely matter. You get to set your own boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
On what planet is this rage anything but totally RATIONAL! That's your indoctrination creeping a little there, that you feel like your feelings are irrational because they aren't what the "male/ head/elder" dictates they should be. BS. I'd start with VERY low contact and expectations (if any, if you really feel like you need to bring your mom there once or something)

Well I prefer to think of myself as not-indoctrinated, but now that you bring it up, I have been told my entire life (by females!) that my feelings are not justified and don't matter.

Your feelings are justified and they matter. They absolutely matter. You get to set your own boundaries.

You have your own life, your own family and your own happiness to prioritize. Don't let your brother crap all over that. Set boundaries, and say no.

[Anonymous]

Do what you have to do, OP. Only once in my life did I ever have the feeling, "I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do this." It feels like you're in that same place now.

Follow through in whatever manner you believe best. You'll never regret it.

Do what you feel is right. Honor your own convictions.

You'll be at peace with yourself, whatever the outcome.

[Anonymous]

I did cut an uncle out of my life for similar reasons. I am so happy I did. My kids will never know him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I would just boycott seeing them, but my mother wants to see her brother. I am thinking of asking DH to drive her over to see him. I honestly don't think I can see this person peacefully. But that would be pretty drastic, by my family's standards. It would be a pretty dramatic statement too, to just snub him, but part of me WANTS to make a dramatic statement. Like, "I know you're a piece of shit and I'm not going to play along with everyone else." But another part of me is like "not my circus, not my monkeys." Do you see my dilemna?

[Anonymous]

OP, you're trying to judge the actions of your non-American family by American standards. I don't know enough, but I would bet that your uncle's actions are considered perfectly acceptable and even right by his country's standards. Your mother most likely doesn't look at things the way you do because she was raised there. You have to let this go. And, you have to be the daughter your mother needs you to be, even if you have to hold your nose while doing it.

Many people around the world think that the American way of doing things is wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP - why can't you calmly confront him and ask him why he can't help your mother sell the land? And keep pushing him until you get a satisfactory answer. He is using the system in place to keep power and control and needs to be called out on it.

And no way would I host this scum in my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're trying to judge the actions of your non-American family by American standards. I don't know enough, but I would bet that your uncle's actions are considered perfectly acceptable and even right by his country's standards. Your mother most likely doesn't look at things the way you do because she was raised there. You have to let this go. And, you have to be the daughter your mother needs you to be, even if you have to hold your nose while doing it.

Many people around the world think that the American way of doing things is wrong.

Who cares? OP is the one frustrated and it's her house he's planning to stay in.