sil drama - thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - Mary is 35. Does not have a car. All these sibs live convenient to DC.

I wish there was a way to tell my DH that she needs to be an adult and figure this stuff out on her own - make her own plans, make her own decisions, and not expect my family to be responsible for her.

Ideally, I'd also like to tell him that if she were more pleasant or accommodating, she would likely get the results she wants.

Uh, so tell him that. These are not unreasonable things to communicate to a spouse.

Well, I've tried many times and he just can't/won't hear that Mary's well being is not my personal responsibility - he takes the tack of saying - if Mary had a car, she would always ask your brothers to come with her, etc - which we can't test, of course. And DH expects that I should intermediate and make my brothers do things for her.

Then tell your DH he is as unreasonable as his sister.
They sound as crazy as heck!
I was single at 35 and I was able to get a car, buy a house, make plans and found my own dang boyfriend, now DH.

[Anonymous]

For some reason DH feels responsible for Mary. Maybe she is a ne'er do well, maybe she has some quirks that make her an outsider. Maybe his mom guilted him into looking out for Mary.

Whatever the reason this is about DH, not flaky SIL. He has the hang up about looking out for his sister. She's just the person she always has been. Not an excuse, but nothing new from her.

[Anonymous]

What is the family dynamic here? Just curious, but is Mary the younger sib? Are there other siblings? Why doesn't dh see the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the family dynamic here? Just curious, but is Mary the younger sib? Are there other siblings? Why doesn't dh see the problem?

Sometimes family members don't see the problems since they are too close to the situation. My BIL - while not as bad as Mary - does have his quirks like Mary seems to and DH/his parents/family just don't see it and realize how big a problem it is.

No wonder Mary doesn't have a husband.

Why doesn't Mary have a car? Afraid of driving? How does she get around to work? Does she live in a town with good enough public transportation, good walkability?

[Anonymous]

OP still has not said whether either she or her husband invited SIL. Did you OP?

[Anonymous]

OP here - she was aware of the performance; i did not call and explicitly invite her or my brothers or anyone else.

she is DH's younger sister, She is super pampered and babied by her whole family - she has a graduate degree, earns good money, lives in a good city in a really nice place. She has lots of disposable income. yet my MIl calls me to say "why haven;t you found her a nice boy? i don;t know why you don't ask your friends to include her more?" then i'll group email Mary with a friend of two and introduce them and SIL never. follows. up.

She's just chronically unhappy and very insecure.

and their family dynamic surrounding her is messed up.

i'd LOVE to just point out to DH just ONCE that my brothers bend over backwards to include her in everything and have driven her down before and she has never, ever, even once invited them out, sent flowers, brought a hostess gift, or thanked them in any way at all.

[Anonymous]

sorry - sent too quickly - i'd love to remind DH of that and point out that her lack of politeness and social niceness is costing her.

[Anonymous]

I put my foot down a long time ago (about 5 years into my now 22 year marriage) and told DH that his family is his responsibility and my family is my responsibility. I am not responsible for inviting his family to things. I am not responsible for making arrangements to get to weddings or graduations or recitals or whatever. I don't do gift shopping for his family. I don't call his mother. I don't call his father. They are not my responsibility. DH doesn't do that stuff for my family, either.

She is DH's sister. Not yours. If it's convenient to offer her a ride, your brothers are kind to do so. If not, then she has to make other arrangements. She can rent a car if she doesn't like the bus or train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - she was aware of the performance; i did not call and explicitly invite her or my brothers or anyone else.

she is DH's younger sister, She is super pampered and babied by her whole family - she has a graduate degree, earns good money, lives in a good city in a really nice place. She has lots of disposable income. yet my MIl calls me to say "why haven;t you found her a nice boy? i don;t know why you don't ask your friends to include her more?" then i'll group email Mary with a friend of two and introduce them and SIL never. follows. up.

She's just chronically unhappy and very insecure.

and their family dynamic surrounding her is messed up.

i'd LOVE to just point out to DH just ONCE that my brothers bend over backwards to include her in everything and have driven her down before and she has never, ever, even once invited them out, sent flowers, brought a hostess gift, or thanked them in any way at all.

I think it's time to let this fight happen. You need to clearly define what is in the realm of your responsibility and what's not.

"Why haven't you found her a nice boy?"
"because there's match.com and eharmony and I have other responsibilities, like raising my kids."

"why you don't ask your friends to include her more?"
"I'm a little focused on my own life and kids to manage Mary's social life. She's welcome to reach out to them."

Just keep saying no. Over and over again. Don't bring up Mary's lack of social skills because then it'll just seem like you are attacking her. Keep your responses focused on yourself, not on Mary's incompetence as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - she was aware of the performance; i did not call and explicitly invite her or my brothers or anyone else.

she is DH's younger sister, She is super pampered and babied by her whole family - she has a graduate degree, earns good money, lives in a good city in a really nice place. She has lots of disposable income. yet my MIl calls me to say "why haven;t you found her a nice boy? i don;t know why you don't ask your friends to include her more?" then i'll group email Mary with a friend of two and introduce them and SIL never. follows. up.

She's just chronically unhappy and very insecure.

and their family dynamic surrounding her is messed up.

i'd LOVE to just point out to DH just ONCE that my brothers bend over backwards to include her in everything and have driven her down before and she has never, ever, even once invited them out, sent flowers, brought a hostess gift, or thanked them in any way at all.[/quote]
Then why don't you? What kind of crazy dynamic do you have in your marriage that you cannot point this out to your husband?????????????????

[Anonymous]

Mary's whole family (your DH and his parents) are just enabling her and she'll never become an adult. They don't see it/don't want to see it so just give up.

Tell DH that managing Mary's life is not your responsibility or the responsibility of your siblings. If he wants to manage her life (find her a boyfriend, arrange her transportation, etc) then let him. I'm guessing he and his parents like to baby her. They aren't letting her grow up and they seem to like it that way. Let them have their happiness but you should no longer worry one whiff about Mary and your siblings shouldn't either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - she was aware of the performance; i did not call and explicitly invite her or my brothers or anyone else.

she is DH's younger sister, She is super pampered and babied by her whole family - she has a graduate degree, earns good money, lives in a good city in a really nice place. She has lots of disposable income. yet my MIl calls me to say "why haven;t you found her a nice boy? i don;t know why you don't ask your friends to include her more?" then i'll group email Mary with a friend of two and introduce them and SIL never. follows. up.

She's just chronically unhappy and very insecure.

and their family dynamic surrounding her is messed up.

i'd LOVE to just point out to DH just ONCE that my brothers bend over backwards to include her in everything and have driven her down before and she has never, ever, even once invited them out, sent flowers, brought a hostess gift, or thanked them in any way at all.[/quote]
Then why don't you? What kind of crazy dynamic do you have in your marriage that you cannot point this out to your husband?????????????????

+1000

You need to learn to communicate with your husband. It is seriously bizarre that you feel like you can't say this to him.

To your MIL, you need to just say "I can't be responsible for her social life. I have enough trouble managing my own." Repeat as necessary. Again, don't engage.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP. It's looking more like you have a DH problem instead of a SIL problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sorry - sent too quickly - i'd love to remind DH of that and point out that her lack of politeness and social niceness is costing her.

Soooo.... why don't you?

I'm sorry, but this is just so bizarre. You need to tell your MIL that you are not going to get involved in Mary's love life or lack thereof. You need to tell your husband that the only responsibility your brothers have to Mary is to be friendly and polite to her when they see her at a mutual family event. THAT'S IT. They don't need to be friends with her or invite her places or drive her around. Your IL's expectations are VERY WEIRD. I think some serious boundary setting needs to happen.

[Anonymous]

I think it's time to let this fight happen. You need to clearly define what is in the realm of your responsibility and what's not.

"Why haven't you found her a nice boy?"
"because there's match.com and eharmony and I have other responsibilities, like raising my kids."

"why you don't ask your friends to include her more?"
"I'm a little focused on my own life and kids to manage Mary's social life. She's welcome to reach out to them."

Just keep saying no. Over and over again. Don't bring up Mary's lack of social skills because then it'll just seem like you are attacking her. Keep your responses focused on yourself, not on Mary's incompetence as an adult.

NO!NO!NO1

That still makes it YOUR responsibility and like you're shirking it. be honest with your MIL and DH:

"Why haven't you found her a nice boy?"
"because Mary doesn't respond when we try. We've tried a few times, but Mary ignores our invites."

"why you don't ask your friends to include her more?"
"We have included her, but her actions and behavior have let my friends believe she doesn't like being around them. We have sincerely tried, but Mary gives us the impression she isn't interested since everything we offer doesn't please her."


Keep putting it back on Mary. Answer everything with, "we tried, but Mary... and tell the truth.