sil drama - thoughts?

[Anonymous]

my brother and his wife (larla, for clarity) and one other brother live in the same city as my husband's sister, Mary (single, mid 30s, no kids - 2 years older than my married brother). They have all invited Mary over repeatedly - most recently for a bbq 3 weeks ago that she accepted and then backed out of the day of the party. She has never reciprocated or initiated getting together, but has loudly complained to me that theyr don't invite her enough or introduce her to their male friends.

this weekend, my DDs had a performance that whole family has known about for some time. Both brothers decide to come and make a long wknd of it. Married brother has a car in the city and in car are my 2 brothers and Larla. Larla also invites her brother to come down to Dc for fun. He says yes. Her other brother is flying in to DC from LA for the weekend, so they'll have a fam reunion, and he will drive back in the car on the way back up - so, on the way down, there are 4 people in the car, and 5 on way up.

So, they all arrive and DH is miffed they didn't ask Mary to come along. or even ask her. He calls her and she is all put-out and says she would have taken a day off to come down (they came down on thursday). In the past, when my brothers have offered to drive Mary, she is very inflexible - insists that everyone wait until she is ready to go, insists on being picked up instead to using public transport to get to them) - her location being 40 minutes away from my brother, insisting on a certain number of breaks, etc. It has led to a lot of tension btwn me and my siblings - b/c they dislike that they are super nice to her and then she throws a fit, backs of invitations, doesn't reciprocate - and then throws another fit whne "excluded".

It's about to turn into WW3 here b/c DH is mad that Mary was excluded from the kids' performance.

I think that despite any issue they have with Mary, this is one time where they have a totally legitimate reason not to drive her or even to ask her - b/c they had a full car down and back.

thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Did your brother invite her to the performance? Assuming they have a sedan, what would your Dh think would happen on the return trip when the car already had 5 people?

[Anonymous]

Obviously in your telling, Mary sounds totally unreasonable and a drama queen. I wonder what her side of the story would be?

[Anonymous]

Mary wasn't excluded. She's an adult and more than capable of making her own travel arrangements. Personally I find it over the top that your husband expects your siblings to go out of the way to include your inlaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mary wasn't excluded. She's an adult and more than capable of making her own travel arrangements. Personally I find it over the top that your husband expects your siblings to go out of the way to include your inlaw.

op here - this is what i think, too. but he is very sensitive to his sister being "included" because she is "family."
my younger brother frequently takes the bus down - he doesn't wait for the older brother to drive him down.
Mary also makes a TON of money is more than able to afford bus, train, or plane, as she so desires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously in your telling, Mary sounds totally unreasonable and a drama queen. I wonder what her side of the story would be?

OP here; having known her for 11 years, I'm pretty sure she would say "I love my little nieces so much; i can't believe Larla and X don't consider me to be like their own family; it's clear they gave priority to Larla's brother, which isn;t fair b/c he wouldn't even go to the performance. it's so unfair. I can't believe they treat me this way. Buses are disgusting; I would never take a bus. And I really want to save my money and not buy a train ticket because I'm going to Greece next month. What they should have done is wait until Friday, so that I didn't have to take off wokr and just told Larla's brother to take a bus, and taken me instead, because they're my nieces and I totally love them and spend so much time with them and really, I wanted to see the performance more than anyone."

[Anonymous]

Also, your DH is also a bit of a drama-seeker too. Why would he call his sister to ask if she would have come? Of course she would say some version of what the OP posted at 10:10! It's the perfect opening.

I would not engage at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mary wasn't excluded. She's an adult and more than capable of making her own travel arrangements. Personally I find it over the top that your husband expects your siblings to go out of the way to include your inlaw.

op here - this is what i think, too. but he is very sensitive to his sister being "included" because she is "family."
my younger brother frequently takes the bus down - he doesn't wait for the older brother to drive him down.
Mary also makes a TON of money is more than able to afford bus, train, or plane, as she so desires.

She's family to you, but honestly, your siblings have no responsibility to include her or take care of her, or find her a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Did your husband invite his sister Mary? You invited your brothers and they had a full car. How is it your responsibility to make sure Mary was invited and had transportation?

Time for some tough love for both Mary and your husband. I think I'd let this one blow up into WW3.

[Anonymous]

How old are you all??

I don't think that two sides of a family need to get along. My parents are both from the same mid sized town and both sides don't hang out together. We have separate events with both (two Christmases).

[Anonymous]

Why didn't DH or you invite Mary directly?

And isn't she old enough to handle her own travel arrangements?

Drop expecting any kind of interaction between DH's sister and your brothers. It would be nice if they clicked, but they don't, end of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't DH or you invite Mary directly?

And isn't she old enough to handle her own travel arrangements?

Drop expecting any kind of interaction between DH's sister and your brothers. It would be nice if they clicked, but they don't, end of story.

This. Your siblings and your dh's siblings aren't family to each other. They have no responsibility to her.

[Anonymous]

Mary needs to grow up and stop expecting everyone to babysit her ass.

I hate family drama. Especially made up drama. Mary sounds pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't DH or you invite Mary directly?

And isn't she old enough to handle her own travel arrangements?

Drop expecting any kind of interaction between DH's sister and your brothers. It would be nice if they clicked, but they don't, end of story.

This. Your siblings and your dh's siblings aren't family to each other. They have no responsibility to her.

Yes. "Mary" knows these people due to your marriage to her brother, but both Mary and your DH have unrealistic expectations of the degree to which your siblings should consider "Mary" part of their family.

DH needs to step up and take more ownership of the interactions with Mary. If he wanted her to come to this performance, he should have been communicating with Mary, working out transportation with Mary, etc. What this shows is that both Mary and your DH have the same kind of expectations when dealing with other people, i.e. it's other people that should just just "know" when I "need" things, and I'm entitled to my passive aggressive stance.

[Anonymous]

Did your husband specifically invite Mary to the performance? You say "everyone knew about it"--does that mean she was asked to come? If so, she needs to grow up. If not, then her beef should be with your husband, not your siblings.