sil drama - thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry - sent too quickly - i'd love to remind DH of that and point out that her lack of politeness and social niceness is costing her.

Soooo.... why don't you?

I'm sorry, but this is just so bizarre. You need to tell your MIL that you are not going to get involved in Mary's love life or lack thereof. You need to tell your husband that the only responsibility your brothers have to Mary is to be friendly and polite to her when they see her at a mutual family event. THAT'S IT. They don't need to be friends with her or invite her places or drive her around. Your IL's expectations are VERY WEIRD. I think some serious boundary setting needs to happen.

(Not OP) because then it makes the argument about Mary, when the argument should be what OP is and is not responsible for. Even if Mary had the best social manners, it's still not OP's responsibility to make sure she has a ride and a boyfriend.

Leave OP's manners out of this. It will backfire on you if you bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - she was aware of the performance; i did not call and explicitly invite her or my brothers or anyone else.

she is DH's younger sister, She is super pampered and babied by her whole family - she has a graduate degree, earns good money, lives in a good city in a really nice place. She has lots of disposable income. yet my MIl calls me to say "why haven;t you found her a nice boy? i don;t know why you don't ask your friends to include her more?" then i'll group email Mary with a friend of two and introduce them and SIL never. follows. up.

She's just chronically unhappy and very insecure.

and their family dynamic surrounding her is messed up.

i'd LOVE to just point out to DH just ONCE that my brothers bend over backwards to include her in everything and have driven her down before and she has never, ever, even once invited them out, sent flowers, brought a hostess gift, or thanked them in any way at all.

I would. The next time your husband complains about your family vis-a-vis Mary, just say, "I don't think that's a fair criticism. They have invited her to X, Y, and Z. They have driven her down here X number of times. Not only has she never reciprocated, she never even says thank you. I think they are being friendly and inclusive, but it's not their job to manage her social life. She is a grown woman." You can express your feelings politely.

I agree--you have a husband problem, not an in-law problem.

[Anonymous]

Does Mary deal with a lot of concern from her mom about being single? That would annoy the heck out of me. Maybe Mary shifts blame to y'all because she's tired of hearing about it.

I think it might not hurt to reiterate that Mary is a grown up & can take of getting herself places & finding her own people to date. (It probably won't help, but I think it would bek good to get the idea out there.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sorry - sent too quickly - i'd love to remind DH of that and point out that her lack of politeness and social niceness is costing her.

Soooo.... why don't you?

I'm sorry, but this is just so bizarre. You need to tell your MIL that you are not going to get involved in Mary's love life or lack thereof. You need to tell your husband that the only responsibility your brothers have to Mary is to be friendly and polite to her when they see her at a mutual family event. THAT'S IT. They don't need to be friends with her or invite her places or drive her around. Your IL's expectations are VERY WEIRD. I think some serious boundary setting needs to happen.

(Not OP) because then it makes the argument about Mary, when the argument should be what OP is and is not responsible for. Even if Mary had the best social manners, it's still not OP's responsibility to make sure she has a ride and a boyfriend.

Leave OP's manners out of this. It will backfire on you if you bring it up.

Agree 100% on this. Don't make it about her attitude. While I agree she sounds annoying, this really is about neither your DH nor you SIL taking ownership of their responsibilities in regards to communication, logistics, visiting.

[Anonymous]

My DH has a younger sister and she is treated like the baby. She's 43! For a long time my DH took anything I said as an insult to his sister and his family. Doesn't matter what she did, untouchable. (Unhealthy, I know) It wasn't until our baby became a target, then his eyes opened. Now he has nothing to do with her.

No advice, but I can relate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a younger sister and she is treated like the baby. She's 43! For a long time my DH took anything I said as an insult to his sister and his family. Doesn't matter what she did, untouchable. (Unhealthy, I know) It wasn't until our baby became a target, then his eyes opened. Now he has nothing to do with her.

No advice, but I can relate.

Funny my SIL is also the baby of the family (in her 40s) and everyone jumps when she snaps her fingers. WTH.

[Anonymous]

Note that Mary is the only one who doesn't have a problem with any of this. Everyone is talking around her, and in the original post, the problem is presented as: "It's about to turn into WW3 here b/c DH is mad that Mary was excluded from the kids' performance." It's DH's issue.

Mary is fine being single, not being mobile, not showing up to events. MIL and DH are trying to fix her to do what they want her to do in life by making others mobilize around her to complete these actions. By putting the onus on others, it cripples Mary for having an interest in, or cultivating these skills for herself.

Everyone else is trying to fight her fights for her. How about everyone agrees to not see labia where there is only pubes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Note that Mary is the only one who doesn't have a problem with any of this. Everyone is talking around her, and in the original post, the problem is presented as: "It's about to turn into WW3 here b/c DH is mad that Mary was excluded from the kids' performance." It's DH's issue.

Mary is fine being single, not being mobile, not showing up to events. MIL and DH are trying to fix her to do what they want her to do in life by making others mobilize around her to complete these actions. By putting the onus on others, it cripples Mary for having an interest in, or cultivating these skills for herself.

Everyone else is trying to fight her fights for her. How about everyone agrees to not see labia where there is only pubes?