Confess a Crush??

[Anonymous]

I highly doubt you have anything to gain by disclosing your affection for this man.

In fact, he probably senses your feelings toward him.

You need to switch your focus from him and his spouse and move it to your own spouse. Evaluate just why you are feeling jealous of your co-worker and his wife.

What is missing from your own marriage now??

Good luck. I hope you find the answers you need so much right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are bring incredibly narcissistic, but deluding yourself that honesty is a beautiful thing instead of a selfish, self-serving thing.

What are your expectations or hopes, OP? That he will save a piece of himsrlf for you, to the detriment of his marriage (and yours)? To sabotage his efforts with his wife? Are you concerned that if he re-commits to his wife, you will lose his attention?

To be a real friend to him, you need to be a friend to his marriage. Period.

Snap out of this "beautiful thing" s**t, that's fantasy land.
You don't want him to leave his wife to be with you, because you are married. It sounds like you want to keep the status quo, which is just selfish.

It's normal to have those feelings and deal with them privately, but the height of narcissism to act on them.

This is the OP. Thank you for this clarity because my head is swimming. What's the least selfish way to end this - slowly fade, silent treatment (except for work), wish him the best but no talk of myself? This whole relationship has been selfish so I'm not sure the best way to right the ship at this point. Thx.

It will fade slowly on its own from his end if he gets back with his wife and puts effort into that relationship, because he'll be interacting with you. If you do the same with your husband, you won't be replying to the fewer messages he sends as quickly, either. You don't need to address it deliberately at all with him - just let it go slowly, casually, and politely.

[Anonymous]

PP above - he will be interacting with his wife more, which means he will be interacting with you less.

[Anonymous]

Several years ago I had a very close friendship bordering on an EA. At that time I was the married one and he was single. We didn't talk about the attraction or our feelings for one another at that time but it was hard to miss. He decided to back off and find a girlfriend, which he did. I was hurt though I had no right to be, like you. I thought for a long time about what I could say that would express my sadness without making it seem like I was asking him to change course, since I understood that course was what was right for him. I found myself distancing myself without explanation and he became hurt by that. Ultimately we sat down and I told him that I wanted him to understand that although I was glad that he found the opportunity for a new relationship, my sadness and distance were because he had given me a part of himself and his time that he'd now taken back and given to someone else, and while I understood why that had to happen it still made me sad. I also made it clear I'd need to take that part of myself back and gain some distance while I adjusted.

That conversation was relatively successful. I managed to get the concept across while making it clear that I wasn't asking for more and without saying flat out that I'd had a crush. The friendship survived with an understanding it was just a friendship and many months later he was the one to finally bring up the crush he had on me.

I guess I'm trying to say there is a way to express your sadness and sense of loss without making it seem like a come-on or threatening his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several years ago I had a very close friendship bordering on an EA. At that time I was the married one and he was single. We didn't talk about the attraction or our feelings for one another at that time but it was hard to miss. He decided to back off and find a girlfriend, which he did. I was hurt though I had no right to be, like you. I thought for a long time about what I could say that would express my sadness without making it seem like I was asking him to change course, since I understood that course was what was right for him. I found myself distancing myself without explanation and he became hurt by that. Ultimately we sat down and I told him that I wanted him to understand that although I was glad that he found the opportunity for a new relationship, my sadness and distance were because he had given me a part of himself and his time that he'd now taken back and given to someone else, and while I understood why that had to happen it still made me sad. I also made it clear I'd need to take that part of myself back and gain some distance while I adjusted.

That conversation was relatively successful. I managed to get the concept across while making it clear that I wasn't asking for more and without saying flat out that I'd had a crush. The friendship survived with an understanding it was just a friendship and many months later he was the one to finally bring up the crush he had on me.

I guess I'm trying to say there is a way to express your sadness and sense of loss without making it seem like a come-on or threatening his marriage.

Thanks for sharing! Where are you guys now? Still friends and all of this was a blip on the radar? If you had to wager, does he still have any remnants of that crush? Do you?

[Anonymous]

Wish I had a happy ending for you but I don't. Instead of starting a relationship we just became closer friends over time. We are still both in the spell, talk about it every now and then, and are very close friends but life just hasn't worked out to make us single at the same time. We're also afraid to ruin a good friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish I had a happy ending for you but I don't. Instead of starting a relationship we just became closer friends over time. We are still both in the spell, talk about it every now and then, and are very close friends but life just hasn't worked out to make us single at the same time. We're also afraid to ruin a good friendship.

This actually is my idea of a happy ending. I don't want to leave my DH for him and I want him and his wife back together. Does the spell eat you up inside?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so, you want to jeopardize two marriages? nice work.

tell a girlfriend or therapist or journal or DCUM, but not him and not your husband.

+10000

I have a good friend from childhood that did this. It sucks for both of them, to put it mildly. Two families shattered, and no going back. it sounds dramatic, because it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wish I had a happy ending for you but I don't. Instead of starting a relationship we just became closer friends over time. We are still both in the spell, talk about it every now and then, and are very close friends but life just hasn't worked out to make us single at the same time. We're also afraid to ruin a good friendship.

I just don't get it. What do you mean life hasn't worked out to make you both single at the same time? Why don't you both break up now with whoever you are with and simply be together?

[Anonymous]

You're married, stupid. You don't confess crushes. Geez.

[Anonymous]

You are truly a terrible person OP. Just awful.

[Anonymous]

No no no and no. Don't confess.

It's completely self serving.

I think your secret wish is to hear back "but I've always loved you .... But I HAVE to do the honorable thing and you do too, so we'll love from afar...."

Outcomes like that are only in Harlequin Romances.

Really teenage kind of thinking, but we all have our lapses, so be the adult that you are, that I know you must be, and suck it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No no no and no. Don't confess.

It's completely self serving.

I think your secret wish is to hear back "but I've always loved you .... But I HAVE to do the honorable thing and you do too, so we'll love from afar...."

Outcomes like that are only in Harlequin Romances.

Really teenage kind of thinking, but we all have our lapses, so be the adult that you are, that I know you must be, and suck it up

I think that's a reasonable outcome. Way better than acting on the feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several years ago I had a very close friendship bordering on an EA. At that time I was the married one and he was single. We didn't talk about the attraction or our feelings for one another at that time but it was hard to miss. He decided to back off and find a girlfriend, which he did. I was hurt though I had no right to be, like you. I thought for a long time about what I could say that would express my sadness without making it seem like I was asking him to change course, since I understood that course was what was right for him. I found myself distancing myself without explanation and he became hurt by that. Ultimately we sat down and I told him that I wanted him to understand that although I was glad that he found the opportunity for a new relationship, my sadness and distance were because he had given me a part of himself and his time that he'd now taken back and given to someone else, and while I understood why that had to happen it still made me sad. I also made it clear I'd need to take that part of myself back and gain some distance while I adjusted.

That conversation was relatively successful. I managed to get the concept across while making it clear that I wasn't asking for more and without saying flat out that I'd had a crush. The friendship survived with an understanding it was just a friendship and many months later he was the one to finally bring up the crush he had on me.

I guess I'm trying to say there is a way to express your sadness and sense of loss without making it seem like a come-on or threatening his marriage.

Oh, PP, I wish this had happened for me. (new poster here). Same situation, except he decided that we would not be friends anymore, with no explanation-I still don't know to this day why we are not. I did not want to break up my marriage or his relationship. I had hoped we could be friends always. He either won't, can't, or isn't allowed to (she keeps him on a short leash). I've forgiven him, but it's still hard.

[Anonymous]

It's 17:52 again. Yes, it's a great friendship but it eats me up inside. Imagine always wanting so much more from your best pal whom you see and spend time with almost every day, knowing he wants the same thing but may not ever do anything about it. It takes time to unwind existing relationships and I'm not finished unwinding mine - I didn't end the marriage to be with him, I did it because it's what I needed. I could date- ethically and legally- but it's probably better to wait a bit. For that reason I deal with the status quo, for now.

But 22:00, I'll probably be the one to end the friendship, if he doesn't ever move to change things. I know how you feel but I'll probably have to do that to him, though I'll explain. I'm not going to spend my life having a crush on my best friend. I deserve to find someone, eventually, who will not only want to be with me but who will do what is necessary to be with me. I don't think i can find that someone else when the person I want is staring me in the face every day. It should not be so complicated. Does that make sense?