Confess a Crush??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm married and good friends with someone from work who was recently separated and now getting back together with his wife. I am so happy for him but also feel sad because I know he won't need me like he used to. I know that them getting back together is what's best for him and me, but can't help somehow feeling a little jealous. I feel like it would be cathartic for me to tell him this, over the phone, no chance of physical contact. Has anyone ever confessed a crush and it cleared the air? I feel like the secrecy of it is burning me up, but I would never act on it and he knows it ( he tried in the past).

This sounds like on your end at least, an emotional affair. I would never develop that kind of relationship with someone who is not my husband.

Hoping this is a troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How recently did you become really good friends? If it's been since his separation, don't be surprised if he disappears now that he's getting back together with his wife.

Sigh, yes. I guess that's the point of why I wanted to confess. Not to block his reunion with his wife, but to express my feelings about the changing dynamics of our friendship.

But what do you think you're going to get out of that? It kind of sounds like you're trying to guilt him into staying close to you because you can feel him pulling away.

Just thinking out loud. Def not trying to guilt him, but maybe because there is beauty in being incredibly honest at times.

Saying something along the lines of - Listen, I'm so happy for you right now, because you deserve happiness. But I now realize that you are no longer mine in the way that you once were and I'll miss our friendship. I'll get over it in time. I'm just a little sad now for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How recently did you become really good friends? If it's been since his separation, don't be surprised if he disappears now that he's getting back together with his wife.

Sigh, yes. I guess that's the point of why I wanted to confess. Not to block his reunion with his wife, but to express my feelings about the changing dynamics of our friendship.

But what do you think you're going to get out of that? It kind of sounds like you're trying to guilt him into staying close to you because you can feel him pulling away.

Just thinking out loud. Def not trying to guilt him, but maybe because there is beauty in being incredibly honest at times.

Saying something along the lines of - Listen, I'm so happy for you right now, because you deserve happiness. But I now realize that you are no longer mine in the way that you once were and I'll miss our friendship. I'll get over it in time. I'm just a little sad now for me.

You are working really hard to justify something that we've all told you is a bad idea. There is no beauty in being incredibly honest here. At best you're unburdening yourself at his expense, at worse you're trying (on perhaps a sub-conscious level) to undermine his marriage. The real beauty here would be in being unselfish, accepting the loss of the friendship, recognizing that you let yourself get too emotionally involved in another man, and refocus your efforts on strengthening your marriage.

[Anonymous]

You are bring incredibly narcissistic, but deluding yourself that honesty is a beautiful thing instead of a selfish, self-serving thing.

What are your expectations or hopes, OP? That he will save a piece of himsrlf for you, to the detriment of his marriage (and yours)? To sabotage his efforts with his wife? Are you concerned that if he re-commits to his wife, you will lose his attention?

To be a real friend to him, you need to be a friend to his marriage. Period.

Snap out of this "beautiful thing" s**t, that's fantasy land.
You don't want him to leave his wife to be with you, because you are married. It sounds like you want to keep the status quo, which is just selfish.

It's normal to have those feelings and deal with them privately, but the height of narcissism to act on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are bring incredibly narcissistic, but deluding yourself that honesty is a beautiful thing instead of a selfish, self-serving thing.

What are your expectations or hopes, OP? That he will save a piece of himsrlf for you, to the detriment of his marriage (and yours)? To sabotage his efforts with his wife? Are you concerned that if he re-commits to his wife, you will lose his attention?

To be a real friend to him, you need to be a friend to his marriage. Period.

Snap out of this "beautiful thing" s**t, that's fantasy land.
You don't want him to leave his wife to be with you, because you are married. It sounds like you want to keep the status quo, which is just selfish.

It's normal to have those feelings and deal with them privately, but the height of narcissism to act on them.

This is the OP. Thank you for this clarity because my head is swimming. What's the least selfish way to end this - slowly fade, silent treatment (except for work), wish him the best but no talk of myself? This whole relationship has been selfish so I'm not sure the best way to right the ship at this point. Thx.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm married and good friends with someone from work who was recently separated and now getting back together with his wife. I am so happy for him but also feel sad because I know he won't need me like he used to. I know that them getting back together is what's best for him and me, but can't help somehow feeling a little jealous. I feel like it would be cathartic for me to tell him this, over the phone, no chance of physical contact. Has anyone ever confessed a crush and it cleared the air? I feel like the secrecy of it is burning me up, but I would never act on it and he knows it ( he tried in the past).

This sounds like on your end at least, an emotional affair. I would never develop that kind of relationship with someone who is not my husband.

Hoping this is a troll post.

It's not. It happens. You are lucky to not be able to picture this happening to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are bring incredibly narcissistic, but deluding yourself that honesty is a beautiful thing instead of a selfish, self-serving thing.

What are your expectations or hopes, OP? That he will save a piece of himsrlf for you, to the detriment of his marriage (and yours)? To sabotage his efforts with his wife? Are you concerned that if he re-commits to his wife, you will lose his attention?

To be a real friend to him, you need to be a friend to his marriage. Period.

Snap out of this "beautiful thing" s**t, that's fantasy land.
You don't want him to leave his wife to be with you, because you are married. It sounds like you want to keep the status quo, which is just selfish.

It's normal to have those feelings and deal with them privately, but the height of narcissism to act on them.

This is the OP. Thank you for this clarity because my head is swimming. What's the least selfish way to end this - slowly fade, silent treatment (except for work), wish him the best but no talk of myself? This whole relationship has been selfish so I'm not sure the best way to right the ship at this point. Thx.

You can do the slow fade, and if he confronts you (since it sounds like you've been having an emotional affair) then you can tell him that you want to be a friend of his marriage and support his reconciliation, and realize that the nature of the friendship you shared might detract from his marriage, and hurt your own as well. dobt engage in an intense back and forth with him about it as if is up for debate. And stick to your guns.

Kudos to you for not reacting to these posts defensively, and being open to feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are bring incredibly narcissistic, but deluding yourself that honesty is a beautiful thing instead of a selfish, self-serving thing.

What are your expectations or hopes, OP? That he will save a piece of himsrlf for you, to the detriment of his marriage (and yours)? To sabotage his efforts with his wife? Are you concerned that if he re-commits to his wife, you will lose his attention?

To be a real friend to him, you need to be a friend to his marriage. Period.

Snap out of this "beautiful thing" s**t, that's fantasy land.
You don't want him to leave his wife to be with you, because you are married. It sounds like you want to keep the status quo, which is just selfish.

It's normal to have those feelings and deal with them privately, but the height of narcissism to act on them.

This is the OP. Thank you for this clarity because my head is swimming. What's the least selfish way to end this - slowly fade, silent treatment (except for work), wish him the best but no talk of myself? This whole relationship has been selfish so I'm not sure the best way to right the ship at this point. Thx.

You can do the slow fade, and if he confronts you (since it sounds like you've been having an emotional affair) then you can tell him that you want to be a friend of his marriage and support his reconciliation, and realize that the nature of the friendship you shared might detract from his marriage, and hurt your own as well. dobt engage in an intense back and forth with him about it as if is up for debate. And stick to your guns.

Kudos to you for not reacting to these posts defensively, and being open to feedback.

^^ meant to say: don't engage in a back and forth with him as if it's up for debate.

[Anonymous]

I would just wait and see how his reconciliation goes and also how your friendship goes. You might feel differently in a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess OP. Bored with the DH but this guy is such a good man stuck with a woman who doesn't appreciate him. But you would be so good together. Isn't this how it is supposed to go but now with the wife and him getting back, kind of blew a whole in the side of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me guess OP. Bored with the DH but this guy is such a good man stuck with a woman who doesn't appreciate him. But you would be so good together. Isn't this how it is supposed to go but now with the wife and him getting back, kind of blew a whole in the side of it?

Not really. I never wanted to "be" with him. Frankly, I could've physically but never wanted the friendship to go there. I've always encouraged him to get back with her. That's the thing. We've worked on this together. Now I'm just a little wistful of when I had a bigger role in his world and realize it's selfish. I'm going to feel sad about it for some time whether I admit it to him or not. Unanimous decision of the board is that's a terrible idea, and I'm grateful for any and all feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are bring incredibly narcissistic, but deluding yourself that honesty is a beautiful thing instead of a selfish, self-serving thing.

What are your expectations or hopes, OP? That he will save a piece of himsrlf for you, to the detriment of his marriage (and yours)? To sabotage his efforts with his wife? Are you concerned that if he re-commits to his wife, you will lose his attention?

To be a real friend to him, you need to be a friend to his marriage. Period.

Snap out of this "beautiful thing" s**t, that's fantasy land.
You don't want him to leave his wife to be with you, because you are married. It sounds like you want to keep the status quo, which is just selfish.

It's normal to have those feelings and deal with them privately, but the height of narcissism to act on them.

This is the OP. Thank you for this clarity because my head is swimming. What's the least selfish way to end this - slowly fade, silent treatment (except for work), wish him the best but no talk of myself? This whole relationship has been selfish so I'm not sure the best way to right the ship at this point. Thx.

You can do the slow fade, and if he confronts you (since it sounds like you've been having an emotional affair) then you can tell him that you want to be a friend of his marriage and support his reconciliation, and realize that the nature of the friendship you shared might detract from his marriage, and hurt your own as well. dobt engage in an intense back and forth with him about it as if is up for debate. And stick to your guns.

[/b]Kudos to you for not reacting to these posts defensively, and being open to feedback.[b]

Thanks. FWIW, the relationship forum is my favorite one. It's the only one where you truly need to be anonymous to get help and I've gotten some very good advice on this one. I try and pay it forward by reciprocating with honest advice to others because people really need it here. Thanks for the help!

[Anonymous]

I am a guy and I have been there too. I felt the same way before and Hinted. She reacted that she felt comfortable with me too but I had to jam my brakes right there too because I didn't want it to turn to an affair. She was annoyed at my mixed signals but I explained how confused my brain was. I am thankful for sanity otherwise it would have ruined my existing marriage too.

But in all honesty, OP, your existing relationship might have tell tale signs of some minor fixing. Otherwise you wouldn't feel this way. I did realize I had to fix what I had as well and that was my next step. But at least fixing my marriage was the right investment and the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

He propositioned to you before....and I am assuming his wife does not know. It's time to end the friendship or whatever you want to call it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm married and good friends with someone from work who was recently separated and now getting back together with his wife. I am so happy for him but also feel sad because I know he won't need me like he used to. I know that them getting back together is what's best for him and me, but can't help somehow feeling a little jealous. I feel like it would be cathartic for me to tell him this, over the phone, no chance of physical contact. Has anyone ever confessed a crush and it cleared the air? I feel like the secrecy of it is burning me up, but I would never act on it and he knows it ( he tried in the past).

This sounds like on your end at least, an emotional affair. I would never develop that kind of relationship with someone who is not my husband.

Hoping this is a troll post.

It's not. It happens. You are lucky to not be able to picture this happening to you.

No, I'm not "lucky," I'm someone who has decided not to cheat on my husband. Really, it's not terribly hard.