son never good enough for dad

[Anonymous]

My FIL was like this to my DH but it was even worse as he used to be little DH for being the kind of person he is. fIL is a working class guy, into cars, into fishing, thinks school is for sissies. DH loves to read, hates cars and fishing and got a scholarship to go to university. Fil, even now, belittles him when we see him for his "book learning", city living and lack of ability in fixing cars. DH had a horrible childhood and didn't see his dad for years as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Actually, I think your husband needs help. He may be suffering from a deep-seated anxiety about being good enough that probably arises from the way he was raised and is unfortunately projecting that onto your son.

Criticizing him probably isn't going to help. If you need to, start with family therapy where your son has a chance to tell his dad how his constant lectures/corrections make him feel. Then, your husband needs to hear that this is not normal and that there's something wrong with his compulsion to constantly criticize. I hope he finds the help he needs, because unless he deals with whatever is causing him to be hypercritical of his son, he's at risk of screwing up your son and/or alienating him.

My guess is this is 100% on point.

Anxiety and depression show up differently in different people. Some turn it all inward on themselves. I think this is what most people picture when they think of a depressed or anxious person.

But many people express their anxiety and depression outward onto others. It's sometimes in the form of anger (temper, outbursts, bullying etc.) or projection (being critical of others for the exact things they judge and find lacking in themselves.) Sounds like your DH is doing both -- all packaged up as trying to "help" your DS. Though of course it's not an effective way to be helpful. It's more of an outlet for your DH's issues.

If this is indeed on point, it is something your DH needs to address. Not just as it shows up in the way he relates to your son. That's awful, and of course it needs to stop. But that's just the symptom of the underlying problem. He ALSO needs to deal with his own issues. They're eating him alive from the inside, and he deserves to live a more peaceful life.

Individual therapy can work wonders. Many people are resistant to that ("I don't have a problem!"), and family therapy is often an easier entry point. In my experience, that can start out as therapy about the child's issues/problems/feelings, and quickly spin off into side sessions with each parent individually. From there, the parents can each do their own personal work, which ultimately benefits the child and each other as a whole.

[Anonymous]

OP: good luck. I watched this happen with my father and brother. At some point, my brother shut down and so did the relationship. Into adulthood.

Please share the Huffington Post article with your husband. He has to start saying, "I love to watch you play." That article helped my relationship with my son who loves sports. These days, I wait for him to ask me how he can do better.

Ex-military is tough because the correct execution of tasks could mean life or death. But this is not the military. GL!

[Anonymous]

My father never thought I was good enough. I came into the world a disappointment as he wanted a boy. He criticized everything I did and, eventually, I stopped trying as this was easier than trying and failing everything, according to him.

Either he changes or divorce him because no child deserves constant criticism. My father was a mean SOB and so is your DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't imagine that I could stay married to my husband if I felt that he was emotionally abusive to our kids in this way. (I appreciate the pp's recommendation of :"The Great Santini." I recently read "The Death of Santini" also by Conroy (Great Santini was fictionalized, Death of Santini a straight memoir) and was horrified by the family relationships.)

I know you said you'd already thought about leaving him. Any chance of family counseling?

[Anonymous]

Tell him to watch Intervention, a show on AE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here. My husband was in Military for 23 years. He has done many events (athletic), and I agree that he is trying to relive his life thru my child. I have thought of leaving him. And I have told him not to come to the events, be it sports or academic. He gets very mad...but I will always defend my child. I have told DS that his dad is the one with the problems. Just nod your head yes and move on. But it is hard to see a child so happy with what ever they have done, just to be lectured right after and watch all that happiness go away . Pisses me off in the worst way!

OP, my DH was also military (26 years), and has a particular athletic focus, but doesn't behave this way. Is there something from your DH's active duty experience that might have affected him (such as deployments)? The comment about him getting angry is the red flag for me - that's often an indicator that there have been things in his active duty experience that he hasn't dealt with. You need counseling, either together or you individually. And when DH starts on his "not good enough" spiel, you need to step in and tell him to knock it off. Period. No discussion. Good luck - I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here. My husband was in Military for 23 years. He has done many events (athletic), and I agree that he is trying to relive his life thru my child. I have thought of leaving him. And I have told him not to come to the events, be it sports or academic. He gets very mad...but I will always defend my child. I have told DS that his dad is the one with the problems. Just nod your head yes and move on. But it is hard to see a child so happy with what ever they have done, just to be lectured right after and watch all that happiness go away . Pisses me off in the worst way!

OP, my DH was also military (26 years), and has a particular athletic focus, but doesn't behave this way. Is there something from your DH's active duty experience that might have affected him (such as deployments)? The comment about him getting angry is the red flag for me - that's often an indicator that there have been things in his active duty experience that he hasn't dealt with. You need counseling, either together or you individually. And when DH starts on his "not good enough" spiel, you need to step in and tell him to knock it off. Period. No discussion. Good luck - I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

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