son never good enough for dad

[Anonymous]

my son is 10, great kid, great athlete. funny happy boy. My husband is never satisfied with what ever it is my son is doing, be it swimming, basketball etc... never good enough to the point my child is starting to not like sports because he knows dad will give him a lecture of how he could be better. My son is always at least second if not first in ever swim event he ever does, but not good enough. I just want him to have fun, who the hell cares what place he comes in. This is really becoming a problem. I have tried so many times to talk to my husband. It makes him very angry. He says he was an athlete and knows what my son should be doing or if he needs to be trying harder. Harder for what?! My husband if very athletic but he is not an olympic athlete. Not making money on his athletic ability. Why can't he just accept my son for who he is, a great kid, trying to have fun! Sorry for the vent. I know there isn't an answer!

[Anonymous]

You need to keep talking to your dh, let him know this is not acceptable and you won't put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Have him read--or at least watch--The Great Santini.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is seeing your DS's 2nd place win as a reflection of him and his parenting. If your DH was a better parent, his kid would be in 1st place. So your DH get's an angry at himself for his perceived flaw and takes it out on your DS.

I did the same and I am a mom. I stopped myself when I caught a horrible crestfallen look on my child's face after I had scolded her for "not trying hard enough".

Now I just stick to "great game!" and I actually don't attend any practices anymore and don't attend every game either. This helped me to refocus as well.

[Anonymous]

Can you get him to read these articles?



http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachel-macy-stafford/six-words-you-should-say-today_b_3863643.html

or this.

What We Should Say When Our Kids Perform

The most liberating words parents can speak to their student-athletes are quite simple. Based on psychological research, the three healthiest statements moms and dads can make as they perform are:

Before the Competition: After the competition:
1.Have fun. 1. Did you have fun?
2.Play hard. 2. I’m proud of you.
3.I love you. 3. I love you.

Six Simple Words…

For years, I wondered what the student-athlete would say about this issue. After decades of work with athletes, Bruce E. Brown and Rob Miller found out. They suggest six simple words parents can express that produce the most positive results in their performing children. After interacting with students, they report:

College athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great, that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame. Their overwhelming response:

“I love to watch you play.”

That’s it. Those six words. How interesting. How liberating to the parent. How empowering to the student-athlete. No pressure. No correction. No judgment. (That’s the coach’s job). Just pure love of their child using their gift in competition.
- See more at: http://growingleaders.com/blog/what-parents-should-say-as-their-kids-perform/#sthash.WwbzVFdX.dpuf

[Anonymous]

DH is living his life thru his DS. Sad but happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

From a Tiger Parent - your husband is going about it in the worst possible way.

I have high academic expectations for my son (none in the athletic department!), which he is not fulfilling at the moment, because of his ADHD.

Instead of shooting him down all the time for his poor grades, I am actively working to bolster his weaknesses in organizational skills and processing speed, while continuing to challenge him in math and reading, which he is good at. My goal is for all this to come together at a later date. We have years to go and are in the trenches now.

Challenge your husband to look beyond himself and focus on his child's best interests. What he's doing is obviously not good enough (your husband, not your son!). He should see himself as a coach, get down in the trenches and have a long-range plan. Work on certain skill sets, build stamina and technique, encourage your son, be his best helper - which sometimes means saying painful truths, but other times means praising hard work and progress. There needs to be a healthy balance of positive and negative words, and your husband has to make sure that the negatives doesn't come out of his mouth more intensely than the positives. Your son will know if your husband is sincere or not.

Basically what your husband needs is more self-awareness and to help instead of criticize.

[Anonymous]

That is horrifying. If he won't stop, perhaps you can stop inviting him to attend competitions? Don't tell him how your son performed? Or start harping on your husband every day about why he isn't earning more money, why he didn't try harder as an athlete himself, or...most appropriately...why he is choosing to be such a jerk to his child? Maybe a dose of his own medicine would wake him up.

[Anonymous]

Whoa you had me at 1st or 2nd place in every swim event! My kid is on a huge team and has never come close to placing in any event. And guess what, he loves swimming and has a great time. Your husband isn't into sports; he's into winning. Presumably your son will never make him happy because no one ever completely wins if there is anyone in the world better than them. I hope the three of you can somehow talk it out so your son still gets to do the sports he enjoys. If not, the likelier endgame is that your husband ends up with a child that hates all sports.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, your husband sounds like the worst kind of sports dad. Seriously, just a total douche. Just wait until your son gets into higher levels at older ages. I think you need to address this now, probably with the help of a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Was DH in military OP and/or go to strict Catholic School or military school? He sounds very harsh. You do need to step in so your son knows that it is his hard work you admire and as long as he is trying and enjoying himself/making friends and being a good friend...that is what counts for you.

My dad was like your DH. None of us were ever good enough. He wasn't that great at anything himself but was always very critical. Your husband has low self esteem and maybe depression. Was his dad like that? Or did his dad leave the family?

[Anonymous]

I never say this kind of thing and hate when other people jump to this but I honestly would leave my husband over something like this. If you aren't number one in your Dad's eyes then who's?

[Anonymous]

You can't let this continue, even if it means breaking up your marriage. Your DH is an asshole, and your son will someday hate him if this doesn't stop.

[Anonymous]

He's going to lose any emotional connection with his son very soon. It's happening already. And it will be his own doing.

You need to have your son's back. Most of all, don't invalidate what your son knows to be true, i.e. he's never be good enough for Dad.

He'll learn to defend himself by placing his "dad"'s (yes, it will be in inverted commas in his mind) opinion among the opinion of people who don't count. And the process will be heartbreaking.

He'll want nothing to do with him as soon as he's independent.

How do I know that? The man who sired me is one of that kind of men. See how I call him.

You need to stand up for your son. You will not prevent the dissolving of the relationship, but your son will know you love him unconditionally. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

My dad was and is like this. It ruined us!! Please help your son and don't allow this. My mom didn't ever stand up for us, or try to stop any of the craziness.

My brother was awesome in football and baseball as a kid and young teen. My dad is a narcissist and feels we are an extension of him, property of his. Dad was almost pro in ball, so felt entitled. He was so hard on my db and coaches that it became too much to take. At 15, db started smoking pot and drinking, then hard drugs. Long story, but dad just made it worse by kicking him out and threatening all adults in our lives to stay out of it.

My brother spent a winter sleeping with homeless people, trying every drug available. He managed to graduate high school, but not much else. College pressure was too much. We were criticized for not starting at the top of any job - we're too good to work our way up from beginner positions. It doesn't end!

I have no relationship with my dad as an adult, and many years of therapy have been necessary. My db barely sees dad. The last time he went there, my dad was still threatening him.

I love the post above with six simple words!