son never good enough for dad

[Anonymous]

OP. Actually, I think your husband needs help. He may be suffering from a deep-seated anxiety about being good enough that probably arises from the way he was raised and is unfortunately projecting that onto your son.

Criticizing him probably isn't going to help. If you need to, start with family therapy where your son has a chance to tell his dad how his constant lectures/corrections make him feel. Then, your husband needs to hear that this is not normal and that there's something wrong with his compulsion to constantly criticize. I hope he finds the help he needs, because unless he deals with whatever is causing him to be hypercritical of his son, he's at risk of screwing up your son and/or alienating him.

[Anonymous]

Makes sure you tell your son how proud you are - and tell him that dad means well but is just sooo competitive - and lots of hugs. He will probably understand.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this is actually kind of a big deal. It is emotional abuse. It is easy to look the other way because you can't see the wounds his words leave, but they are there.

I'd continue to have some serious discussions with your husband about it. Start by talking, then maybe print out some articles for him to read. When you hear him start to say these hurtful things to your son, INTERVENE. Call him on it right then and there, defend your son. Maybe even invite another significant male figure your son loves (Grandfather? Uncle? older cousin?) to watch him play and encourage him along.

If that doesn't work, you can go to plan B: husband can no longer come to watch son perform at athletic events. He isn't invited. He isn't welcome. Insist on him going to counseling before he is invited back. If he insists, have the coach talk to him. Hopefully that will embarrass him enough to convince him to reevaluate his behavior.

[Anonymous]

I'd probably let it go if he's only this way when it comes to sports, coz you can't really change an adult. if he's otherwise a good father I'd just accept it's a rare flaw of him, but make sure DS knows you're different.

We all have flaws and not perfect.

[Anonymous]

Does your child have a goal for summer swimming? Is the goal short term and realistic as to how much work your son really wants to put into it? It sounds like your DH is into swimming and it could be something they could bond over. He could help you son work toward his son's swimming goals (not your husband's goals) with celebrations of each step along the way. I'm not sure why your DH cares whether your son comes in 1st or 2nd. Your place in swimming depends entirely on who you are racing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Makes sure you tell your son how proud you are - and tell him that dad means well but is just sooo competitive - and lots of hugs. He will probably understand.

He doesn't. The worst thing the mother can do is butter the situation up, because her son knows that he'll never be good enough for his "dad".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably let it go if he's only this way when it comes to sports, coz you can't really change an adult. if he's otherwise a good father I'd just accept it's a rare flaw of him, but make sure DS knows you're different.

We all have flaws and not perfect.

Really? This suggestion sucks.

If a child is involved with sports (or chess or spelling bee or anything else) there is no ONLY about it. Children NEED validation from adults. It's not like you have tell them that they're the best in the history of the sport.

You looked like you were having fun out there.
You worked really hard
Bobby never would have scored that point if you hadn't ____.
You're a great team player.
I love to watch you play.

Your son will internalize this. It will ruin his relationship with his father and likely damage his relationship with you. Good luck, OP. I think that family counseling is the best suggestion.

[Anonymous]

op here. My husband was in Military for 23 years. He has done many events (athletic), and I agree that he is trying to relive his life thru my child. I have thought of leaving him. And I have told him not to come to the events, be it sports or academic. He gets very mad...but I will always defend my child. I have told DS that his dad is the one with the problems. Just nod your head yes and move on. But it is hard to see a child so happy with what ever they have done, just to be lectured right after and watch all that happiness go away . Pisses me off in the worst way!

[Anonymous]

OP, I notice you say "my son", not "our son." Is your husband not the father? If so, that makes his conduct even more outrageous. The guy's an asshole, and you're putting your son's needs over your husbands. Do yourself and your son a favor and drop kick him out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never say this kind of thing and hate when other people jump to this but I honestly would leave my husband over something like this. If you aren't number one in your Dad's eyes then who's?

This. Oh my gosh. So sad. Would kill every shred of love I have for my husband (which is a lot, but WTF?!). My DH thinks my kids walk on water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never say this kind of thing and hate when other people jump to this but I honestly would leave my husband over something like this. If you aren't number one in your Dad's eyes then who's?

This. Oh my gosh. So sad. Would kill every shred of love I have for my husband (which is a lot, but WTF?!). My DH thinks my kids walk on water.

Which is not healthy either.

Your husband needs anger management classes AND counseling, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP -- does your DH say encouraging words to your DS and then talk about what he could do better? E.g., great swim; you looked awesome; you know, if you worked on that flip turn a bit more, you could drop your time even more. Or does he just focus on what DS did wrong? I'm not saying that the former is great, but it's better than the latter. As a parent, it's very hard not to "coach" your kids at all. Do all the people who are saying how terrible OP's DH is really never give any advice to their kids (e.g., keep your eye on the ball, make sure to keep your glove down, be careful about going offsides, etc.). I'm not trying to be snarky, this is an honest question.

[Anonymous]

Get him to watch (as a family) Alexander and the Terrible Really Horrible Day (or whatever). The dad in that movie starts off continually disappointed in his boy(s) - comparing them to the neighbor's, etc. Then finds out what's important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably let it go if he's only this way when it comes to sports, coz you can't really change an adult. if he's otherwise a good father I'd just accept it's a rare flaw of him, but make sure DS knows you're different.

We all have flaws and not perfect.

Really? This suggestion sucks.

If a child is involved with sports (or chess or spelling bee or anything else) there is no ONLY about it. Children NEED validation from adults. It's not like you have tell them that they're the best in the history of the sport.

You looked like you were having fun out there.
You worked really hard
Bobby never would have scored that point if you hadn't ____.
You're a great team player.
I love to watch you play.

Your son will internalize this. It will ruin his relationship with his father and likely damage his relationship with you. Good luck, OP. I think that family counseling is the best suggestion.

and your suggestions are great... in a fairy tale.

all i'm saying is if he acts like an ass at sports events, but really great and supportive in music and school work/learning, then you take the bads with the goods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- does your DH say encouraging words to your DS and then talk about what he could do better? E.g., great swim; you looked awesome; you know, if you worked on that flip turn a bit more, you could drop your time even more. Or does he just focus on what DS did wrong? I'm not saying that the former is great, but it's better than the latter. As a parent, it's very hard not to "coach" your kids at all. Do all the people who are saying how terrible OP's DH is really never give any advice to their kids (e.g., keep your eye on the ball, make sure to keep your glove down, be careful about going offsides, etc.). I'm not trying to be snarky, this is an honest question.

Was wondering the same thing.