Travelling to a wedding when dating - who pays?

[Anonymous]

Each pay airfare and woman should pay the rest since she invited him. She would have to pay those fees regardless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have picked up the whole tab for my DH back when we were dating and he made a quarter of what I made (he was law student at the time, only made $ as a summer intern).

I don't get why people are in these weirdly unequal relationships and don't see fit to share their largesse if they are the higher-earning member of the couple, unless they aren't serious and they don't want to sink more money than they absolutely have to into doing things with someone they aren't into. That's my guess for what's happening here. It's not like the guy is making $100K and the woman is making $80K. It's hugely unequal and it's a shared event (despite it being for her relatives). I'd definitely pay. That he wouldn't just offer to smacks of him not really committing to this relationship.

It's not THEIR largesse. They aren't married. They aren't engaged.

It'd be swell if he offered to foot the whole bill but it's not reasonable to EXPECT him to pay for her out of town family wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have picked up the whole tab for my DH back when we were dating and he made a quarter of what I made (he was law student at the time, only made $ as a summer intern).

I don't get why people are in these weirdly unequal relationships and don't see fit to share their largesse if they are the higher-earning member of the couple, unless they aren't serious and they don't want to sink more money than they absolutely have to into doing things with someone they aren't into. That's my guess for what's happening here. It's not like the guy is making $100K and the woman is making $80K. It's hugely unequal and it's a shared event (despite it being for her relatives). I'd definitely pay. That he wouldn't just offer to smacks of him not really committing to this relationship.

It's not THEIR largesse. They aren't married. They aren't engaged.

It'd be swell if he offered to foot the whole bill but it's not reasonable to EXPECT him to pay for her out of town family wedding.

I agree it shouldn't be expected but all other things being equal (ie, they are both kind/good partners to one another) I would be peeved if my 500K bf let me pick up a 500 dollar hotel tab when he knew I was making peanuts.

It comes down to like, a statement on general character and generosity. OP shouldn't expect it and as others have said should pay for everything she would have paid for otherwise, but I would think twice about a BF who didn't offer to pick some of that up when they were coming from a place of such wealth.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I'd expect each person to cover individual airfare, split the hotel, and split the car - or he can cover the car if you otherwise wouldn't have gotten one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have picked up the whole tab for my DH back when we were dating and he made a quarter of what I made (he was law student at the time, only made $ as a summer intern).

I don't get why people are in these weirdly unequal relationships and don't see fit to share their largesse if they are the higher-earning member of the couple, unless they aren't serious and they don't want to sink more money than they absolutely have to into doing things with someone they aren't into. That's my guess for what's happening here. It's not like the guy is making $100K and the woman is making $80K. It's hugely unequal and it's a shared event (despite it being for her relatives). I'd definitely pay. That he wouldn't just offer to smacks of him not really committing to this relationship.

It's not THEIR largesse. They aren't married. They aren't engaged.

It'd be swell if he offered to foot the whole bill but it's not reasonable to EXPECT him to pay for her out of town family wedding.

I agree it shouldn't be expected but all other things being equal (ie, they are both kind/good partners to one another) I would be peeved if my 500K bf let me pick up a 500 dollar hotel tab when he knew I was making peanuts.

It comes down to like, a statement on general character and generosity. OP shouldn't expect it and as others have said should pay for everything she would have paid for otherwise, but I would think twice about a BF who didn't offer to pick some of that up when they were coming from a place of such wealth.

I'm a girl, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut if I were a dude and GF invites me to a wedding and expects me to pay, I would be peeved as well, and would think she was a gold digger. Weddings are rarely fun.

[Anonymous]

DH here. When I dated exclusively and had a lot more $$, I would have paid this in a heartbeat (and insisted on it). Points to the lady for offering but if you cannot share incidentals with an exclusive gf, not sure if you share a life with someone. Should be a total non-issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have picked up the whole tab for my DH back when we were dating and he made a quarter of what I made (he was law student at the time, only made $ as a summer intern).

I don't get why people are in these weirdly unequal relationships and don't see fit to share their largesse if they are the higher-earning member of the couple, unless they aren't serious and they don't want to sink more money than they absolutely have to into doing things with someone they aren't into. That's my guess for what's happening here. It's not like the guy is making $100K and the woman is making $80K. It's hugely unequal and it's a shared event (despite it being for her relatives). I'd definitely pay. That he wouldn't just offer to smacks of him not really committing to this relationship.

It's not THEIR largesse. They aren't married. They aren't engaged.

It'd be swell if he offered to foot the whole bill but it's not reasonable to EXPECT him to pay for her out of town family wedding.

I agree it shouldn't be expected but all other things being equal (ie, they are both kind/good partners to one another) I would be peeved if my 500K bf let me pick up a 500 dollar hotel tab when he knew I was making peanuts.

It comes down to like, a statement on general character and generosity. OP shouldn't expect it and as others have said should pay for everything she would have paid for otherwise, but I would think twice about a BF who didn't offer to pick some of that up when they were coming from a place of such wealth.

I'm a girl, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut if I were a dude and GF invites me to a wedding and expects me to pay, I would be peeved as well, and would think she was a gold digger. Weddings are rarely fun.

What kind of weddings do you go to? I love weddings!

But in all seriousness I think what you just described comes down to the type of relationship they have and the type that emerges when you're on such an uneven playing field. For them to eventually be a successful couple (if success is defined by marriage) he would have to stop thinking about it like that. And thats what I meant by it coming down to a statement on his general generosity. He understands when he goes on a trip like that that she is spending a lot and is probably depleting her resources. If he was a generous partner, he would pick up the hotel (which is a drop in the bucket for him it should be noted). If he doesn't pick it up, then to me he's sending a statement saying he thinks you might be a gold digger and is testing you. You have to decide if you're ok with that OP, I wouldn't be!

I would rather be with someone who acts like we're equals who is poor than someone super rich who holds the money over my head. The real issue here is the scope of the difference in wealth, 500k a year is big bucks.

[Anonymous]

Female should pay everything she would have to pay to go alone. Man should pay incremental cost. But really, my husband would have just paid for me, if the incomes were that.

[Anonymous]

Each pays own airfare, woman offers to pay hotel/car and man declines and pays it. Equally because of, to me, chivalry and the income disparity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have picked up the whole tab for my DH back when we were dating and he made a quarter of what I made (he was law student at the time, only made $ as a summer intern).

I don't get why people are in these weirdly unequal relationships and don't see fit to share their largesse if they are the higher-earning member of the couple, unless they aren't serious and they don't want to sink more money than they absolutely have to into doing things with someone they aren't into. That's my guess for what's happening here. It's not like the guy is making $100K and the woman is making $80K. It's hugely unequal and it's a shared event (despite it being for her relatives). I'd definitely pay. That he wouldn't just offer to smacks of him not really committing to this relationship.

It's not THEIR largesse. They aren't married. They aren't engaged.

It'd be swell if he offered to foot the whole bill but it's not reasonable to EXPECT him to pay for her out of town family wedding.

+1. His income is irrelevant to this discussion. It is her event, he is invited as her guest, she made the decision to go on her own it wasn't a joint family/financial decision made with him for her to attend, this is what she would spend if she went all alone. It seems odd to me that he would bankroll this. When I was dating my now husband and we were pretty serious I brought him with me when I went furniture shopping. He was not living with me and while I didn't want to pick something he hated it was my decision. I surely did not turn to him to pay when it was time to order. The only exception I could see for OP is if this was an actual gift to her in the sense she could not afford to go so as a birthday/valentine day/anniversary etc he was paying for this as a vacation so to speak.

I think the whole thing about sharing largesse is that easily can extend to everyone ...having family always "borrowing" money etc and I think even if you have it you would a) want to be able to do your own financial planning instead of having open ended financial obligations to everyone and b) want to feel like it wasn't expected to the point people get angry if you don't pay for their lifestyle. I think you can be generous and not have to be a walking ATM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each pays own airfare, woman offers to pay hotel/car and man declines and pays it. Equally because of, to me, chivalry and the income disparity.

He may offer to pay it but OP should not expect it or get angry if he doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have picked up the whole tab for my DH back when we were dating and he made a quarter of what I made (he was law student at the time, only made $ as a summer intern).

I don't get why people are in these weirdly unequal relationships and don't see fit to share their largesse if they are the higher-earning member of the couple, unless they aren't serious and they don't want to sink more money than they absolutely have to into doing things with someone they aren't into. That's my guess for what's happening here. It's not like the guy is making $100K and the woman is making $80K. It's hugely unequal and it's a shared event (despite it being for her relatives). I'd definitely pay. That he wouldn't just offer to smacks of him not really committing to this relationship.

It's not THEIR largesse. They aren't married. They aren't engaged.

It'd be swell if he offered to foot the whole bill but it's not reasonable to EXPECT him to pay for her out of town family wedding.

You're right that it's not officially their largesse, but if he's still committed to keeping his, he's not ready to share his life with a wife. It's not about expecting someone to foot the bill for abstract reasons, it's about the fact that OP's boyfriend is content to watch her scrimp to pay these bills when he'd probably barely notice them. That's not someone who's all-in on the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, op, I think if he doesn't offer to pay more than just his ticket he's probably just not that into you. I could definitely be wrong, I just know that when I was dating my now husband and we had a similar income gap he wouldn't have dreamed of letting me foot the bill (though I did try) good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, there is not a "should"
You have a large, more serious problem - in this relationship - if you are feeling the need to make-up rules.

[Anonymous]

I paid when my (then) boyfriend came to my brother's wedding. But there was no airfare, we drove. And he was making about the same amount of money as me.

$50K is not a lot of money and $500K is arguably rich. They're a couple; he should pay because he can.