IL's are offended I don't call them Mom & Dad

[Anonymous]

My FIL, who I see once a year for 3 days, wanted me to call him dad. He also wanted my children to call his fiancee grandma. Mind you, my DH's mom is still alive and very involved in my children's lives. When I refused both requests, he asked me to call him Mr. Last Name. Just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

they're offended by this, and have told DH they don't understand why I dislike them so much

It's not nice that you were told this. You say your DH told you this? What's wrong with him? That was cruel. He should have dealt with it immediately with his parents, when it was said - told them it was just your style to call them whatever it is you call them, and that he didn't want to hear their negativity. However if negativity is how you and your husband deal with people, well, you have other problems. All this negativity sounds familiar. Do you post often?

You lie to your spouse often then?

[Anonymous]

This seems like yet another thread where some role reversal would have changed the tone of a lot of comments.

I think if DW's parents insisted DH called them mom and dad and said they were offended he hadn't, most DWs would recognize that her parents were being ridiculous, but would still see if there was some kind of compromise that made everyone happy. The comments on here that DH needs to shut down his parent immediately seem off base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems like yet another thread where some role reversal would have changed the tone of a lot of comments.

I think if DW's parents insisted DH called them mom and dad and said they were offended he hadn't, most DWs would recognize that her parents were being ridiculous, but would still see if there was some kind of compromise that made everyone happy. The comments on here that DH needs to shut down his parent immediately seem off base.

OP here. What kind of compromise would you suggest? This doesn't appear to be something you can compromise on. I should say that I don't really use their names at all, which is my way around the whole issue, but something I feel like that's awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call my in-laws by their first names. I have a Mom and a Dad. There's no insult to my in-laws intended, they just aren't my parents.

I think this is fair, but it is certainly the case that some ILs take offense to it anyway, as mine did. I think the tricker question is what to do in that situation. My pointing out that I didn't consider it offensive or mean it as offensive certainly did not resolve the dilemma.

Rock and a hard place then, because my mom would be furious if I called some other woman Mom!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, NP here. I also disagree that if this was about a man and his inlaws there would be "compromise". If it was a man and his inlaws, the man's wife would communicate directly with her parents. So many of the threads on here are from women critical of inlaws because their husbands refuse to stand up and say, with compassion but also with direct purpose, this is where my wife is coming from and now please let's drop it.

I also don't see what the compromise on this is. You either call them Bob and Ellen or you call them Mom and Dad. I don't think made-up cutesy names should ever be required. If you want to call them Bob and Ellen, they can lump it. This is not what makes a relationship, and if they're seriously going to think that means you don't like them, oh well.

[Anonymous]

My 18-year-old DD calls her boyfriend's (of one year) mom Mom. I'm kind of offended, but I'm biting my tongue. Do you know how your parents feel about this?

I'm divorced and haven't seen my ILs in years, but called them by their first names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems like yet another thread where some role reversal would have changed the tone of a lot of comments.

I think if DW's parents insisted DH called them mom and dad and said they were offended he hadn't, most DWs would recognize that her parents were being ridiculous, but would still see if there was some kind of compromise that made everyone happy. The comments on here that DH needs to shut down his parent immediately seem off base.

OP here. What kind of compromise would you suggest? This doesn't appear to be something you can compromise on. I should say that I don't really use their names at all, which is my way around the whole issue, but something I feel like that's awkward.

I actually posted earlier on how it played out for me. DW's parents were very offended I didn't call them mom and dad. I strongly did not want to. The compromise was that we asked them to choose a different title for me to call them. (In my case, "Mama [DW's maiden name]" and "Papa [DW's maiden name].").

Maybe that's not the right option for you, but I can't imagine having told my wife "You need to set them straight immediately," which seems to be essentially the approach a lot of PPs are suggesting that you instruct DH to take.

[Anonymous]

13:49 here - "set them straight immediately" doesn't need to be the tone! Jeez. DH can just say something like "Larla really cares for you guys. I get that in our family those who marry in call you mom and dad, but in her family it's different. Please know that by calling you Bob and Ellen she doesn't mean any less affection." DONE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:49 here - "set them straight immediately" doesn't need to be the tone! Jeez. DH can just say something like "Larla really cares for you guys. I get that in our family those who marry in call you mom and dad, but in her family it's different. Please know that by calling you Bob and Ellen she doesn't mean any less affection." DONE.

That is exactly what DW told her parents. They thought about it for a while and decided they were still offended.

I feel like DCUM advice often focuses on "Who is RIGHT" and ignored "WTF to do about it." It doesn't really make a difference if my in laws are crazy. We're not planning on cutting them out of our lives and even if they're being ridiculous for being offended, they're still being sincere that they're offended. At the end of the day, it was better for our family for me to claim that I understood their point and reach some compromise. But I feel like a lot of posters on DCUM are so concerned about making sure that DW doesn' become a victim or pushover that they egg posters into taking stands on trivial crap.

OP, you are completely right that you shouldn't have to call them mom & dad. There's also a good chance it would make your life easier to just go ahead and do so. Or find some other functional compromise. If you decide to do so, please don't feel like you caved or violated your principles, or that DH didn't adequately support you. You just made a decision that made your life easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13:49 here - "set them straight immediately" doesn't need to be the tone! Jeez. DH can just say something like "Larla really cares for you guys. I get that in our family those who marry in call you mom and dad, but in her family it's different. Please know that by calling you Bob and Ellen she doesn't mean any less affection." DONE.

That is exactly what DW told her parents. They thought about it for a while and decided they were still offended.

I feel like DCUM advice often focuses on "Who is RIGHT" and ignored "WTF to do about it." It doesn't really make a difference if my in laws are crazy. We're not planning on cutting them out of our lives and even if they're being ridiculous for being offended, they're still being sincere that they're offended. At the end of the day, it was better for our family for me to claim that I understood their point and reach some compromise. But I feel like a lot of posters on DCUM are so concerned about making sure that DW doesn' become a victim or pushover that they egg posters into taking stands on trivial crap.

OP, you are completely right that you shouldn't have to call them mom & dad. There's also a good chance it would make your life easier to just go ahead and do so. Or find some other functional compromise. If you decide to do so, please don't feel like you caved or violated your principles, or that DH didn't adequately support you. You just made a decision that made your life easier.

Quoted PP. This is so very sensible and rational and I really want to agree. I guess I just somehow don't, though maybe it would depend on the situation. People who are irrationally offended are often the 'give an inch, they'll take a mile' type. I would say set a boundary and be loving and yet stress that it is your choice to make. They will get over it, or they won't, but I don't see why they have to be placated. That sort of indulgence can snowball into bigger issues with limits and with respect.

[Anonymous]

^^And of course my resistance to your sensible, rational response is totally colored by my own experience. I have a very manipulative mother in law so placating is the last thing we ever do with her. So maybe I'm painting OP's inlaws with an unfair brush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^And of course my resistance to your sensible, rational response is totally colored by my own experience. I have a very manipulative mother in law so placating is the last thing we ever do with her. So maybe I'm painting OP's inlaws with an unfair brush.

PP's response was very sensible and reasonable. MIL and FIL aren't manipulative people in the least, just easily offended, apparently. I'll keep on with my non-addressing of them, I was just wishing there was a better solution. Maybe Grandma and Grandpa is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^And of course my resistance to your sensible, rational response is totally colored by my own experience. I have a very manipulative mother in law so placating is the last thing we ever do with her. So maybe I'm painting OP's inlaws with an unfair brush.

I see your point, but I don't love slippery slope arguments. Once the in laws demand something that truly matters, you can always draw the line there.

My answer is probably colored by the fact that I really don't think there's a very clear correct answer here:

1. I don't think its crazy for in laws to hope you will call them "mom" and "dad." Yes, they're not REALLY your mom and dad, but nobody is suddenly confused into thinking otherwise. The point is that they want to feel like they are welcoming you to their family (and that they are not losing a son or daughter). Refusing to give them an honorary title, when doing so would be so easy (in their mind) seems like you don't want to recognize your new connection to them. I don't think they're right to feel this way, but I get it.

2. I also don't think its crazy to not want to do it. When I use the term "mom" and "dad" I think of all the things my parents have done for me and I just can't imagine honoring someone else with the same title. Nobody else "deserves" mom and dad status. At the same time, I know my parents are sane and reasonable people, and won't be offended if I call my inlaws "mom" and "dad," (and my wife did call them mom and dad without them asking her to do so). And a label has only the meaning I ascribe to it; as long as I honor and respect what my parents did for me, what difference does it make what word I use for my in-laws? It vaguely bothers me that I feel like my wife's parents get more concessions from us because they are unreasonable and my parents are chill, but you know, if my parents don't mind it, why should I mind on their behalf.

3. I don't think it would be insane for my parents to be annoyed by my calling someone new "mom" and "dad." Fortunately, they couldn't care less.

So, at least for me, while I obviously think my feelings are somehow more valid and rational than my in-laws feelings, everybody's opinion on the matter is within the general sphere of "kind of understandable" and it just seems like a really pointless thing to draw a line in the sand on.

[Anonymous]

I would NEVER call my in laws mom & dad, that's insane for them to be offended!! My dad died when I was young and there is and only will ever be one dad in my life. That's name is for him.