IL's are offended I don't call them Mom & Dad

[Anonymous]

It never occurred to me to call them Mom & Dad, since, you know, they aren't. And they're offended by this, and have told DH they don't understand why I dislike them so much. I don't dislike them, I just think it's weird to call them something they're not. I have actually tried to do it, and it's just so odd that I can't force the words out of my mouth. All the other spouses call them Mom & Dad.

So.

1. Is it normal to call your IL's a variation of your parents' names?
2. How can I get over my mental block?

(My parents are still alive, in case anyone was wondering)

[Anonymous]

The first and really only time I ever heard anyone call their ILs mom and dad was on the Cosby show.

I would just tell them that isn't your tradition and you don't feel comfortable. It gets easier when you have kids because then you can just say "grandpa and grandma".

[Anonymous]

I call my ILs by their first names, and my DH calls my parents by their first names as well. I wouldn't feel comfortable calling my ILs Mom and Dad.

Call your ILs what you feel comfortable with. Have your DH communicate that you don't dislike them, but that in your family the ILs all call each other by their first name and that's what you're most comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

I can't either! And I know it's upsetting to my in laws. I just can't. I love my parents and feel that you only should get one mom and one dad.

FWIW I call DH's grandparents "grandma and grandpa". Mom and dad just seems more sacred to me.

[Anonymous]

First names here.

I think that calling you inlaws mom and dad is likely a throwback from when folks regularly go married right out of high school.

[Anonymous]

No advice, but sympathy. I would have such a hard time doing this. Growing up my dad called my mom's parents mom and dad and I still couldn't do it myself. Maybe because nowadays we get married older than their generation? I was 35 and not ready to get a new "mom and dad."

[Anonymous]

I do it. It doesn't bother me at all. She's not the mother who birthed or raised me, but she fulfills some sort of quasi-parental role now that I've married her son. I'm just not hung up on nicknames and honorifics. My actual mother did not feel insulted or rejected, so in my opinion there was no reason not to honor the request. If you feel differently, I would just tell them that you aren't comfortable with that. It may hurt their feelings, but you have to weigh that against your comfort zone and proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

DH and I both call the other's parents by their first names, and I think and hope that this is what is/was expected. I know it was on my parents' part. It is such an odd convention to me to start calling someone else's parents "Mom and Dad." It seems so contrived and artificial, not to mention inaccurate.

[Anonymous]

My ILs were the same way and I had the same block. Basically we resolved it by my wife asking them to pick a special title other than Mom & Dad that I could call them. (They ended on "Mama [Last Name]" and "Papa [Last Name])'.

This has mostly worked out fine. Actually, if I'm talking to my wife or SIL, at this point I usually will just say Mom or Dad if the context is pretty clear, because its just easier and doesn't feel weird anymore after years of marriage.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws never out right said what they wanted to be called, but would sign Cards Mom & Dad. I just called them by their first name every time we were together and eventually they changed their signature to their names.

My mom, from the first time they met and on the day we got married, told my husband to call my parents by their first name. They loved him and would be parent-like, but they were not his Mom and Dad.

If you do talk to them, definitely let them know that you love and respect them but that in your family the tradition was to never call anyone but your actual parents Mom and Dad. And that you would be uncomfortable going outside of that tradition, especially with your parents still being alive. And while you were sensitive to their feelings, you were also taking into account your parents feelings when making this decision.

[Anonymous]

My mil told me to call her Mrs. Gunvalson. So you could be dealing with it from the other end.

[Anonymous]

I can't even bring myself to call my in-laws by their first names! I've known them since I was a child so it was always Mr./Ms. First name. Now in my mid 20's it feels disrespectful to suddenly start calling them by their names as though we are peers, but I was never invited to call them mom or dad.

[Anonymous]

I married into a culture where you call your in-laws Mother and Father. So I now have a Mother, Father, Mom and Dad.

[Anonymous]

I feel most comfortable calling them Aunt/Uncle.

[Anonymous]

So glad my husbands parents taught him to call them by their first name (when you're 5 and lost calling "mom" and "dad" is not helpful). I call them by their first names and he does the same with mine. My parents would be shocked if he tried to call them mom and dad. They're not his parents!