Had to bail my mom out of jail this morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the "right" answer was to leave her but I couldn't. She takes a daily medication she will withdraw from if she doesn't get her dose today and the consequences that come now are bad enough. I just wanted her out so she could start figuring her shit out.

Sadly the only "shit" she is going to figure out is how to get her next drink.

And they will give inmates medication in jail. Every day if they need it. Local Jail isn't prison. Sure it's not a good place but it's not like those super max documentaries or even orange is the new black.

You are incorrect.

I know for a fact that Arl. Co. jail will NOT administer certain meds whether prescribed or not, so you cannot assume they or any jail will.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to say I'm really sorry. I've never been in your shoes so I'm not going to say how you should handle this; I have no idea. I can't imagine how complicated it is to have a parent like this, and I hope you have lots of loving support in your life.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure she gets her meds. Otherwise she can stay in jail. Maybe that's what's needed for her to start the road to recovery.

Now if the jail won't give her meds then you will have to bail her out. But she needs AA or something of that nature.

I already bailed her out for the sole reason of ensuring she gets her meds. I did not think jail would be able to give them to her. She is out. She tried AA after her rehab stint. Lasted a couple months and then she felt she was "better" and was fine to drink again. I have been dealing with this shit my whole life, since I was a kid. No negative effects ever register with her. She's been divorced three times because of the role alcohol plays in her relationships. She's 51 and still doing this stuff... I just think she's a lost cause.

What an awful situation for you to be in. This is her third DUI, she's going to end up killing someone. Hopefully on this one she will be sent to jail.. and kept off the roads.

I second the suggestion of Al Anon for you, and reiterate that it may be time to cut her off. I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

11:19 back again

I can't say I'm surprised that a jail would refuse to administer meds, but that's awful. Yes they've made a choice that put them in there, but refusing what could be life saving medication is just wrong. I'm all for removing rights and I think jail and prison is too cushy.. but medication shouldn't be with held. They can have tv but not meds? Something is wrong there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Yes. I did not find them particularly useful and have sought private counseling because of the many insidious ways growing up with a person like this affects the way I am as a person. I have my life together, have worked really, really hard to make sure my kids have a stable, normal, happy home life, but growing up with someone like this fucks with you in ways you don't see for years. I am terrified of change because there was no stability growing up. I hate unexpected knocks at the door and will freeze in fear if I hear one. For years I would immediately go on edge if I heard the crack of a beer can opening. I have a hard time spending money because she was so irresponsible with it. It can be really hard to rewire yourself to not engage in this thinking.

Anyway, she's out. I spoke with her briefly. She blew a .17. She seems terrified of what happens next, which is understandable because it's going to be pretty bad. The only saving grace is that her three DUIs did not all occur within a 10 year time frame which in her state is when shit really hits the fan. Her last one was in 2001, so she might skate with some slightly less awful punishments (like still at least being able to drive to work only on a suspended license). Objectively, she deserves everything they throw at her. One DUI, let alone three, is inexcusable. But personally, it is very hard to sit by and know your mom is about to really go through some bad shit. There's not really a good path out of this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Yes. I did not find them particularly useful and have sought private counseling because of the many insidious ways growing up with a person like this affects the way I am as a person. I have my life together, have worked really, really hard to make sure my kids have a stable, normal, happy home life, but growing up with someone like this fucks with you in ways you don't see for years. I am terrified of change because there was no stability growing up. I hate unexpected knocks at the door and will freeze in fear if I hear one. For years I would immediately go on edge if I heard the crack of a beer can opening. I have a hard time spending money because she was so irresponsible with it. It can be really hard to rewire yourself to not engage in this thinking.
Objectively, she deserves everything they throw at her.
Anyway, she's out. I spoke with her briefly. She blew a .17. She seems terrified of what happens next, which is understandable because it's going to be pretty bad. The only saving grace is that her three DUIs did not all occur within a 10 year time frame which in her state is when shit really hits the fan. Her last one was in 2001, so she might skate with some slightly less awful punishments (like still at least being able to drive to work only on a suspended license).One DUI, let alone three, is inexcusable. But personally, it is very hard to sit by and know your mom is about to really go through some bad shit. There's not really a good path out of this one.

Oh good. So she'll still have a legal driver's license when she kills someone. OP, she needs the book thrown at her. She NEEDS to be locked up for everyone else's safety. I think it's sad that you are relieved that she might have an easier time of it. You're right, growing up like this really has messed with you. You need help too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Yes. I did not find them particularly useful and have sought private counseling because of the many insidious ways growing up with a person like this affects the way I am as a person. I have my life together, have worked really, really hard to make sure my kids have a stable, normal, happy home life, but growing up with someone like this fucks with you in ways you don't see for years. I am terrified of change because there was no stability growing up. I hate unexpected knocks at the door and will freeze in fear if I hear one. For years I would immediately go on edge if I heard the crack of a beer can opening. I have a hard time spending money because she was so irresponsible with it. It can be really hard to rewire yourself to not engage in this thinking.
Objectively, she deserves everything they throw at her.
Anyway, she's out. I spoke with her briefly. She blew a .17. She seems terrified of what happens next, which is understandable because it's going to be pretty bad. The only saving grace is that her three DUIs did not all occur within a 10 year time frame which in her state is when shit really hits the fan. Her last one was in 2001, so she might skate with some slightly less awful punishments (like still at least being able to drive to work only on a suspended license).One DUI, let alone three, is inexcusable. But personally, it is very hard to sit by and know your mom is about to really go through some bad shit. There's not really a good path out of this one.

Oh good. So she'll still have a legal driver's license when she kills someone. OP, she needs the book thrown at her. She NEEDS to be locked up for everyone else's safety. I think it's sad that you are relieved that she might have an easier time of it. You're right, growing up like this really has messed with you. You need help too.

I'm sure it's very easy to say that when it isn't your loved one facing a catastrophic series of events. I know she deserves them. It's my MOM. Not really easy to be happy about it. And she has no safety net - parents are dead, no spouse, no siblings. It's on me to worry about this while she goes through it. I'm also sad for my younger sibling who is going through the same stuff I did growing up. It's difficult. I'm glad for you you don't know what it feels like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:19 back again

I can't say I'm surprised that a jail would refuse to administer meds, but that's awful. Yes they've made a choice that put them in there, but refusing what could be life saving medication is just wrong. I'm all for removing rights and I think jail and prison is too cushy.. but medication shouldn't be with held. They can have tv but not meds? Something is wrong there.

Refusal to give medical care is a huge civil rights violation. I hope someone is suing their ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure she gets her meds. Otherwise she can stay in jail. Maybe that's what's needed for her to start the road to recovery.

Now if the jail won't give her meds then you will have to bail her out. But she needs AA or something of that nature.

I already bailed her out for the sole reason of ensuring she gets her meds. I did not think jail would be able to give them to her. She is out. She tried AA after her rehab stint. Lasted a couple months and then she felt she was "better" and was fine to drink again. I have been dealing with this shit my whole life, since I was a kid. No negative effects ever register with her. She's been divorced three times because of the role alcohol plays in her relationships. She's 51 and still doing this stuff... I just think she's a lost cause.

Maybe after sobering up she might need anxiety or depression meds to keep her from drinking again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make sure she gets her meds. Otherwise she can stay in jail. Maybe that's what's needed for her to start the road to recovery.

Now if the jail won't give her meds then you will have to bail her out. But she needs AA or something of that nature.

I already bailed her out for the sole reason of ensuring she gets her meds. I did not think jail would be able to give them to her. She is out. She tried AA after her rehab stint. Lasted a couple months and then she felt she was "better" and was fine to drink again. I have been dealing with this shit my whole life, since I was a kid. No negative effects ever register with her. She's been divorced three times because of the role alcohol plays in her relationships. She's 51 and still doing this stuff... I just think she's a lost cause.

Maybe after sobering up she might need anxiety or depression meds to keep her from drinking again?

The anxiety meds are necessary for her anxiety. They don't do anything to curb her alcoholism. Nothing stops her from drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Yes. I did not find them particularly useful and have sought private counseling because of the many insidious ways growing up with a person like this affects the way I am as a person. I have my life together, have worked really, really hard to make sure my kids have a stable, normal, happy home life, but growing up with someone like this fucks with you in ways you don't see for years. I am terrified of change because there was no stability growing up. I hate unexpected knocks at the door and will freeze in fear if I hear one. For years I would immediately go on edge if I heard the crack of a beer can opening. I have a hard time spending money because she was so irresponsible with it. It can be really hard to rewire yourself to not engage in this thinking.
Objectively, she deserves everything they throw at her.
Anyway, she's out. I spoke with her briefly. She blew a .17. She seems terrified of what happens next, which is understandable because it's going to be pretty bad. The only saving grace is that her three DUIs did not all occur within a 10 year time frame which in her state is when shit really hits the fan. Her last one was in 2001, so she might skate with some slightly less awful punishments (like still at least being able to drive to work only on a suspended license).One DUI, let alone three, is inexcusable. But personally, it is very hard to sit by and know your mom is about to really go through some bad shit. There's not really a good path out of this one.

Oh good. So she'll still have a legal driver's license when she kills someone. OP, she needs the book thrown at her. She NEEDS to be locked up for everyone else's safety. I think it's sad that you are relieved that she might have an easier time of it. You're right, growing up like this really has messed with you. You need help too.

I'm sure it's very easy to say that when it isn't your loved one facing a catastrophic series of events. I know she deserves them. It's my MOM. Not really easy to be happy about it. And she has no safety net - parents are dead, no spouse, no siblings. It's on me to worry about this while she goes through it. I'm also sad for my younger sibling who is going through the same stuff I did growing up. It's difficult. I'm glad for you you don't know what it feels like.

I can understand that, but she could easily KILL someone. What she could and should be facing now would not compare to the consequences of that. Honestly? She needs to be in jail. She can't drink and she can't hurt anyone. One of my best friends has a dad who has driven drunk for years. I've sat with her while she worried and cried, knowing he was on the road and right out of it. Hoping if he killed someone it was only himself. You are in a horrific situation but you know what? Even though she is your mom I don't understand relief at her probably being permitted to do it again.. putting everyone at risk. Would you rather her in jail on DUI's or for killing someone while she was at it? Would you rather visit her in jail or in the cemetery?

You need support, too.

[Anonymous]

Just sending hugs, op. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Yes. I did not find them particularly useful and have sought private counseling because of the many insidious ways growing up with a person like this affects the way I am as a person. I have my life together, have worked really, really hard to make sure my kids have a stable, normal, happy home life, but growing up with someone like this fucks with you in ways you don't see for years. I am terrified of change because there was no stability growing up. I hate unexpected knocks at the door and will freeze in fear if I hear one. For years I would immediately go on edge if I heard the crack of a beer can opening. I have a hard time spending money because she was so irresponsible with it. It can be really hard to rewire yourself to not engage in this thinking.
Objectively, she deserves everything they throw at her.
Anyway, she's out. I spoke with her briefly. She blew a .17. She seems terrified of what happens next, which is understandable because it's going to be pretty bad. The only saving grace is that her three DUIs did not all occur within a 10 year time frame which in her state is when shit really hits the fan. Her last one was in 2001, so she might skate with some slightly less awful punishments (like still at least being able to drive to work only on a suspended license).One DUI, let alone three, is inexcusable. But personally, it is very hard to sit by and know your mom is about to really go through some bad shit. There's not really a good path out of this one.

Oh good. So she'll still have a legal driver's license when she kills someone. OP, she needs the book thrown at her. She NEEDS to be locked up for everyone else's safety. I think it's sad that you are relieved that she might have an easier time of it. You're right, growing up like this really has messed with you. You need help too.

I'm sure it's very easy to say that when it isn't your loved one facing a catastrophic series of events. I know she deserves them. It's my MOM. Not really easy to be happy about it. And she has no safety net - parents are dead, no spouse, no siblings. It's on me to worry about this while she goes through it. I'm also sad for my younger sibling who is going through the same stuff I did growing up. It's difficult. I'm glad for you you don't know what it feels like.

OP, some of us actually have been there, and we're telling you to get help for yourself and to stop bailing her out because we've been there ourselves. You *are* enabling, and you *are* keeping her from hitting rock bottom so that she has a chance of realizing that she needs to stop drinking. You are coming from loving motivations here, give yourself credit for that, but you are complicit in her continuing to drink and drive at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP, some of us actually have been there, and we're telling you to get help for yourself and to stop bailing her out because we've been there ourselves. You *are* enabling, and you *are* keeping her from hitting rock bottom so that she has a chance of realizing that she needs to stop drinking. You are coming from loving motivations here, give yourself credit for that, but you are complicit in her continuing to drink and drive at this point.

YES, THIS.

OP you have no idea what others may have dealt with. The fact that someone may be advocating for the tougher road doesn't mean they haven't been there. It may just mean that they have been.