Had to bail my mom out of jail this morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then tell the dad mom went on another bender, got busted,and he may need to ask the court for custody of the child since your sister sounds unfit.

Or, do you intend to cover for her even if that endangers the child?

I'm 18:32. I agree with this PP. You continue to justify enabling your mother. You think not bailing her out of jail is 'teaching her a lesson'? It's not. You can't teach your mother a fucking thing. But, you can stop enabling it. You're also being overly dramatic by suggesting she would die without her anxiety meds. Hardly. She's far more likely to die from drunk driving - or killing your sibling or someone else. How do you plan on living with that kind of guilt? You need to discuss your 'rescuer' role with your therapist. You're not thinking clearly or logically. What you're doing isn't helping anyone.

She has an 11 year old child, I did not want something preventable happening to her in jail if she could not safely come off those meds in a tapering fashion. You think I'm enabling her to hurt others- do you think I could live with myself if my 11 year old sibling lost his mother because she didn't have access to medication she needed because I was "teaching her a lesson"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. I haven't done anything since I paid to bail her out. I have spoken with her but there's no offer for help. I did not get her car out. She needed the meds and I had no way of knowing if they could or would be given to her if she had to sit there for days on end. She has an 11 year old child, I did not want something preventable happening to her in jail if she could not safely come off those meds in a tapering fashion. You think I'm enabling her to hurt others- do you think I could live with myself if my 11 year old sibling lost his mother because she didn't have access to medication she needed because I was "teaching her a lesson"?

God this is such bull shit op. Al Anon and your therapy did little for you. I will not baby your sick ass. Let's all just agree now that your mother is the center of the universe. Rules shouldn't apply to her because she's such a special snowflake. I'm sure when she kills someone, it will be because we all should have been the f off of her road.

You've described your life and you are a-ok with another kid going through this and maybe worse. Don't bail this selfish bitch out again and use the money to get more therapy. Your 11 year old sibling would be better if he lost his mother.


someone who lost a very young relative due to someone like your lovely mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you tried going to meetings? Al Anon.

Yes. I did not find them particularly useful and have sought private counseling because of the many insidious ways growing up with a person like this affects the way I am as a person. I have my life together, have worked really, really hard to make sure my kids have a stable, normal, happy home life, but growing up with someone like this fucks with you in ways you don't see for years. I am terrified of change because there was no stability growing up. I hate unexpected knocks at the door and will freeze in fear if I hear one. For years I would immediately go on edge if I heard the crack of a beer can opening. I have a hard time spending money because she was so irresponsible with it. It can be really hard to rewire yourself to not engage in this thinking.
Objectively, she deserves everything they throw at her.
Anyway, she's out. I spoke with her briefly. She blew a .17. She seems terrified of what happens next, which is understandable because it's going to be pretty bad. The only saving grace is that her three DUIs did not all occur within a 10 year time frame which in her state is when shit really hits the fan. Her last one was in 2001, so she might skate with some slightly less awful punishments (like still at least being able to drive to work only on a suspended license).One DUI, let alone three, is inexcusable. But personally, it is very hard to sit by and know your mom is about to really go through some bad shit. There's not really a good path out of this one.

Oh good. So she'll still have a legal driver's license when she kills someone. OP, she needs the book thrown at her. She NEEDS to be locked up for everyone else's safety. I think it's sad that you are relieved that she might have an easier time of it. You're right, growing up like this really has messed with you. You need help too.

I'm sure it's very easy to say that when it isn't your loved one facing a catastrophic series of events. I know she deserves them. It's my MOM. Not really easy to be happy about it. And she has no safety net - parents are dead, no spouse, no siblings. It's on me to worry about this while she goes through it. I'm also sad for my younger sibling who is going through the same stuff I did growing up. It's difficult. I'm glad for you you don't know what it feels like.

No it isn't on you to worry about this. Your mother is an adult and you are not her mother. The 11 year old needs to be worried about and that's it. Your mom should be cut off. So what she's biologically your mom. She was never a *mom* to you. Her fun was and is more important than anything else including any children she has. Deal with the brain washing she forced on you. She was never a mom. I want to end this diatribe by thanking you for helping to get her back on her drunk feet so she can endanger the rest of us. Op I dare you to go read some stories on line about people who lost loved ones to drunk drivers. I dare you.

[Anonymous]

"I'm sure it's very easy to say that when it isn't your loved one facing a catastrophic series of events. "

Look at how you worded this op. This tells me so much about you. Deny, sugar coat it, talk around it. She's an f'd up selfish drunk who could care less.

[Anonymous]

Watch copious episodes of "Keeping Up Appearances" on PBS for therapy. I often think of that show when I'm dealing with an embarrassing situation in my extended family.

[Anonymous]

If you spent so much time trying to bail her out, you could have easily spent time calling the jail as stating that she needs daily medicine. You are worried about your 11 year old sibling but i assure you that having a drunk mother, driving her 11 year old child around, isnt safe. Stop bailing her out.

[Anonymous]

I'm really bothered that op is so worried for her non-mom and ready to defend her for the catastrophic series of events she's had to deal with but notice how detached she is about an 11 year old who is left to fend for himself in this situation.

[Anonymous]

You need to help the 11 year old -- she's living with an active alcoholic -- can u get custody?

[Anonymous]

OP has already stated that the 11 year old is currently with his father, who is stable.

[Anonymous]

Take her car away from her. Ensure that your sibling stays with the father and out of her care.

[Anonymous]

OP, PP's here are being REALLY unfair to you. You are not in ANY way responsible for your Mother's illness or the consequences of her actions.

You did the best you could to help your family in a crisis.

The truth is, the 12-step model of alcolholism treatment and the 12-step "you have to hit Rick bottom before you can get better" myth are highly, highly ineffective. Yes, SOME people do get sober and/or find comfort through 12 steps. But it is basically a bunch of magical thinking, reading, and chants that are supposed to treat a MEDICAL problem.

Other countries do a much better job of treating and curing alcoholism through medication that counteracts the effects of alcohol and basically cures the physical dependency. That may reveal an underlying medical issue such as bipolar that your mom may have been self-medicating all these years. I'll see if I can find a good article for you, but please please don't let these people guilt you for doing the best for your mom. You did the right thing as best you could, and you are NOT responsible for her.

[Anonymous]

"AA truisms have so infiltrated our culture that many people believe heavy drinkers cannot recover before they “hit bottom.” Researchers I’ve talked with say that’s akin to offering antidepressants only to those who have attempted suicide, or prescribing insulin only after a patient has lapsed into a diabetic coma. “You might as well tell a guy who weighs 250 pounds and has untreated hypertension and cholesterol of 300, ‘Don’t exercise, keep eating fast food, and we’ll give you a triple bypass when you have a heart attack,’?” Mark Willenbring, a psychiatrist in St. Paul and a former director of treatment and recovery research at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, told me. He threw up his hands. “Absurd.”"

http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2015/03/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/

[Anonymous]

OP - You need to speak directly with your half-sibling's Dad and tell him flat out that he needs to file for sole emergency custody at least for the time being because your Mother is an unfit mother in every sense of the word. The court will listen if he tells about the 3rd DUI and the medication issue she is on. The focus should be on the stability and well-being of this young child AND summer is here and undoubtedly the child will be around Mom a lot more than usual and could be out and about with her or to just be in an environment with the daily drinking is so unhealthy for the child. You are an adult and you need to be proactive for this child's safety and welfare first.

Then you can turn to whatever you think you can do to trying to get your Mom to change - but that would not include helping her to get her car back because the court is most certainly going to take away her driver's license for some time and also have other requirements which must be met to get it back. It is sad all around, but mostly for the 11 year old sibling.

[Anonymous]

Stone her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm sure it's very easy to say that when it isn't your loved one facing a catastrophic series of events. "

Look at how you worded this op. This tells me so much about you. Deny, sugar coat it, talk around it. She's an f'd up selfish drunk who could care less.

It could be any one of us facing the catastrophe of burying a friend or loved one after your mom goes on another bender and gets behind the wheel. THAT will be the catastrophe, not your mom sitting in jail without her anxiety meds.