if you were ambivalent about kids....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dont just think about today, what about 10 years from now, 15? Would you feel empty if your life looked exactly the same as it does today wih just the two of you? Or does that sound ideal? Now what about if all your friends, siblings and neighbors are consumed with their family lives? Might help you decide without focusing just on the admittedly boring work of the baby years.

I guess that's the hard part - would i feel empty vs the mom with the close relationship with their 15 y/o absolutely...would I feel empty vs the parents that do all the right things but has a kid that's just not on the right track? I don't know. I'd show up and do my best but I don't know if I love having kids for the sake of having kids vs that imaginary hopeful but far from guaranteed good future family life

[Anonymous]

My grandmother was honest about how much she loved her grandkids but really didn't like other people's kids. To me, the most unappealing part of having a child is the thought that I would have to spend time with other kids and their parents, through school, organized sport, etc.

This forum is for moms. I may potentially have a step son one day. I actually like the little guy. Think he's a cool kid. The fun part about spending time with him is seeing the world through his eyes. He's young, too. 2nd grade.

I am a woman. Mid 40s. I don't have regrets because what a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here were three realizations that helped me figure out I didn't want them. I don't think there's a right answer, but obviously the overwhelming answer you'll get in society is "Children are amazing! Go for it! " so just trying to provide some balance.

1. I realized if I could somehow know for sure that my spouse would die in 10 years, I wouldn't want to have kids. Being a single mom sounds like a nightmare to me. I know you do what you have to do to get through, but I wouldn't choose it in that situation.

2. I realized if I somehow could know my kids would grow up, move across the country, and I'd only see them 1 - 2 times a year - I wouldn't choose to have them. I'd be in it for the long game, and the idea of adult kids you only see a couple times a year is super depressing to me. And I only see my parents a few times a year, it's a very real possibility. I know it's a selfish thing not to want your kids to grow up and go off on their own (that's what you're supposed to want), but just being in it for the childhood years wasn't appealing to me.

3. Finally, I realized if I knew my child was going to be mentally challenged, I wouldn't choose to have kids. I for sure would have done all the prenatal tests and would be open to termination, but obviously you can't count on a healthy baby/child/adolescent, etc. I know when you're in the circumstance, you roll with it and figure it out - but I wouldn't choose to have them if I knew it was going to happen.

When I thought about it, I thought... maybe if I don't want kids in those 3 circumstances, I just didn't want kids enough to make the sacrifices you need to make.

Don't know if that is helpful but those 3 situations in particular made me realize there are a lot of very real, very possible situations where I know in my gut I'd feel dissatisfied/regret over kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Clearly it's a matter of personal choice. But, as we aged and our lives became less interesting we began to live somewhat vicariously through the achievements/disappoints of our children and grandchildren.

They don't always listen - nor should they, but it gives us descendants with whom we can share our knowledge and wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I agree with with the pps that part of me really wants it. But part of me is scared I'll be miserable and be one of the parents that resents the day to day. I'm not someone that generally looks to add work to my life (eg crafts when you can buy something, gardening for the sake of fun when it's actually cheaper to go to farmers market). I guess kids seem like the ultimate hobby - creating lots of work for yourself for the joy of it - and I'm so nervous I won't get that joy out of it as it sounds like some don't. And I don't know how to figure that out before hand.

Sorry for the navel gazing but what you've said far has been very helpful!

You can outsource a lot of stuff with kids as well and otherwise choose to do it it he most convenient way. Not all mothers breastfeed, make their own solids and do crafts all they long. Don't let ridiculous too much time on my hands parenthood model prevent you from having kids at all.

[Anonymous]

I had a child because my husband wanted one. I love ds, but I hate my life now. We had so much fun together as a married couple, and now we are just slogging through life with a toddler. I hope it gets better as he gets older, but right now even drugs and therapy aren't enough to make things good.

Don't do it unless you're sure, op. There are a lot of ways to have children in your life without a lifetime of being a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I agree with with the pps that part of me really wants it. But part of me is scared I'll be miserable and be one of the parents that resents the day to day. I'm not someone that generally looks to add work to my life (eg crafts when you can buy something, gardening for the sake of fun when it's actually cheaper to go to farmers market). I guess kids seem like the ultimate hobby - creating lots of work for yourself for the joy of it - and I'm so nervous I won't get that joy out of it as it sounds like some don't. And I don't know how to figure that out before hand.

Sorry for the navel gazing but what you've said far has been very helpful!

You can outsource a lot of stuff with kids as well and otherwise choose to do it it he most convenient way. Not all mothers breastfeed, make their own solids and do crafts all they long. Don't let ridiculous too much time on my hands parenthood model prevent you from having kids at all.

This. You can be a great parent even if you never go near Pinterest. In my case, I felt okay with parenting because DH and I agreed that he would be an equal co-parent. I didn't BF, and from day one, he did feeding from 8pm to 2 am, while I got 2 am to 8 am. When my maternity leave was over, he took 6 weeks off with both DC. As the kids have gotten older, we play different roles and have different responsibilities based on our strengths and work demands at any given time. We are also both on the same page as parents,both attend important kid events, and make parenting decisions together. In the end, I know I am in it with an equal partner. And I feel really good about my choices. But, if I was OP and had a husband who travelled a lot? I think I would be unhappy and overwhelmed. Since DH wants kids, can he change his job so that he can be more available and more involved? There is no law saying mom has to scale back at work or SAH while dad keeps up the same pace post baby.

[Anonymous]

I did not want children. I never liked children and still don't much like children that aren't mine. My husband knew he wanted to be a dad and he would never choose not to be a dad. I agreed to one child only. We have our one and think she is the bee's knees. Putting up with the intrusion of other kids and kid related activities is hard for me, but I love her and my husband so I grin and bear it. My husband is a terrific father and has been since day one. Middle school has been tough and I don't know what I would do without him.

[Anonymous]

I was ambivalent about kids. My husband loves kids and wanted to have them, but it wasn't a dealbreaker for him. Several years into marriage, I agreed to pull the goalie but was clear that I would not take extraordinary measures to get pregnant (no IVF). I ended up getting pregnant, we have one child, and I have no regrets. I love her more than I could have imagined, and I feel like I'm a good mother to her. I think it helped that no one pressured me and I was able to reach my decision in my own time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I agree with with the pps that part of me really wants it. But part of me is scared I'll be miserable and be one of the parents that resents the day to day. I'm not someone that generally looks to add work to my life (eg crafts when you can buy something, gardening for the sake of fun when it's actually cheaper to go to farmers market). I guess kids seem like the ultimate hobby - creating lots of work for yourself for the joy of it - and I'm so nervous I won't get that joy out of it as it sounds like some don't. And I don't know how to figure that out before hand.

Sorry for the navel gazing but what you've said far has been very helpful!

Hi OP, read your various replies and you sound a bit like me. I was never particularly attracted to children, babies, maternity. Not that I hated kids as some other PPs (not judging), but I found them tiresome, too loud and too irrational for my tastes. I am an independant introvert and my idea of a good time is to lose myself in my thoughts and a good book. don't talk to me about crafty things or cookie baking or engaging into long conversations with an irrational toddler.

Contrary to you though I had no problem planning a family because despite the lack of urge I was very rational about it: I was convinced I wanted a family, not necessarily babies but the bond of a family, the grown up children, the grandchildren etc.. And I also knew fertility wise 30-35 was the right window for my level of risk aversion.

Fast forward a fertility journey (yup even at 31), a second surprise pregnancy at 33. I have 2 kids, under 3 years old. And man, life is awesome...Sorry, I am going to go with all the cliches but even though it is hard, tiresome, imperfect, you have way less time for yourself etc.. but the smile of your baby, their arms, the mamaaaaa full of joy when you get home..And this weird new feeling, the feeling that nothing matters anymore but them, you can die now, no more existential angst, as long as they are fine, life is good. So for me at least, not an ounce of regrets. I don't regret not having them before 30, but I am convinced having them late would have been less nice. It is physically tiresome and I also see what my parents can do with them now that they won't be able to do in 10 years. Grandparents matter. Mine live in another country and we still see each other every 4 months, they hang out and take care of the kids, seeing them become happy playful grandparents (think running-in-the-grass-imitating-a-donkey-to-make-a-2year-old-laugh kind of playful) is also wonderful.

Now for the BUT part:
1- My kids are healthy with no handicap.
2- My husband is the super involved one..

And the most important one

3- I am still an introvert that needs a lot of mental downtime, and my survival implies REFUSING to be a super involved SAHM or even a supermom. I am in the good enough mom crowd. A lot of my friends are into attachment parenting, I think that would drive me into depression. I am very kind, sweet and playful with my kids but discipline, limits and sleep training are part of my parenting style.. I love to read to them, teach them silly song, teach them independancy (let them try to eat on their own etc...), I can really see that my joy is to see them learn but I am happy to be less involved in their play time and thats fine...

Bottom line: if you do have kids, don't get sucked into the "perfect AP mom" ideal, I think it won't fit you and you will be sick with guilt doing stuff you hate and resenting your kids for it. Don't quit your job. With that in mind, personnally even though I fully respect people who are childfree I can't help but feel they miss out on one of the most beautiful life changing event and human bond you can get... (says the uninvolved bad mom )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I agree with with the pps that part of me really wants it. But part of me is scared I'll be miserable and be one of the parents that resents the day to day. I'm not someone that generally looks to add work to my life (eg crafts when you can buy something, gardening for the sake of fun when it's actually cheaper to go to farmers market). I guess kids seem like the ultimate hobby - creating lots of work for yourself for the joy of it - and I'm so nervous I won't get that joy out of it as it sounds like some don't. And I don't know how to figure that out before hand.

Sorry for the navel gazing but what you've said far has been very helpful!

Hi OP, read your various replies and you sound a bit like me. I was never particularly attracted to children, babies, maternity. Not that I hated kids as some other PPs (not judging), but I found them tiresome, too loud and too irrational for my tastes. I am an independant introvert and my idea of a good time is to lose myself in my thoughts and a good book. don't talk to me about crafty things or cookie baking or engaging into long conversations with an irrational toddler.

Contrary to you though I had no problem planning a family because despite the lack of urge I was very rational about it: I was convinced I wanted a family, not necessarily babies but the bond of a family, the grown up children, the grandchildren etc.. And I also knew fertility wise 30-35 was the right window for my level of risk aversion.

Fast forward a fertility journey (yup even at 31), a second surprise pregnancy at 33. I have 2 kids, under 3 years old. And man, life is awesome...Sorry, I am going to go with all the cliches but even though it is hard, tiresome, imperfect, you have way less time for yourself etc.. but the smile of your baby, their arms, the mamaaaaa full of joy when you get home..And this weird new feeling, the feeling that nothing matters anymore but them, you can die now, no more existential angst, as long as they are fine, life is good. So for me at least, not an ounce of regrets. I don't regret not having them before 30, but I am convinced having them late would have been less nice. It is physically tiresome and I also see what my parents can do with them now that they won't be able to do in 10 years. Grandparents matter. Mine live in another country and we still see each other every 4 months, they hang out and take care of the kids, seeing them become happy playful grandparents (think running-in-the-grass-imitating-a-donkey-to-make-a-2year-old-laugh kind of playful) is also wonderful.

Now for the BUT part:
1- My kids are healthy with no handicap.
2- My husband is the super involved one..

And the most important one

3- I am still an introvert that needs a lot of mental downtime, and my survival implies REFUSING to be a super involved SAHM or even a supermom. I am in the good enough mom crowd. A lot of my friends are into attachment parenting, I think that would drive me into depression. I am very kind, sweet and playful with my kids but discipline, limits and sleep training are part of my parenting style.. I love to read to them, teach them silly song, teach them independancy (let them try to eat on their own etc...), I can really see that my joy is to see them learn but I am happy to be less involved in their play time and thats fine...

Bottom line: if you do have kids, don't get sucked into the "perfect AP mom" ideal, I think it won't fit you and you will be sick with guilt doing stuff you hate and resenting your kids for it. Don't quit your job. With that in mind, personnally even though I fully respect people who are childfree I can't help but feel they miss out on one of the most beautiful life changing event and human bond you can get... (says the uninvolved bad mom )

I'll add though that now I find it extremely funny to engage into irrational discussions with my toddler. Toddlers have an awesome perspective on life...

[Anonymous]

I had kids because my husband wanted them. We talked about it at great length before we got engaged, so I agreed to try. (I love kids, but I was much older when I got married and have plenty of nieces/nephews/goddaughter etc... to get my kid fix.)

Fast forward 7 years and we have 4 yr old twins (after significant fertility struggles.) I love my children. I do not love being a mother. I have one very easy kid and one very hard kid to parent. The hard one, despite the great love, makes me wish I wasn't a parent.

Parenting is sucking the life out of me and has robbed our marriage of ALL passion.

If I had really understood what the reality would be I think I would not have had children.

I live in hope that my feelings about this will change for the better as my kids get older. I also live in fear that I have 20 years (or more) of unbelievable stress and pain and struggle in front of me.

[Anonymous]

DH here. Never much liked kids. Never really was anxious to have them. But it's tough to find a DW uninterested in children.

We have two girls and I adore them, but I'd not say that I couldn't imagine life without them because I could. They're nearly grown now (High School Junior and College Freshman in the Fall) so the little kid phase is long over. I think I did great, even with my original reluctance. They're great girls and I'm proud of them. But I still don't like (other people's) kids that much. When we eat at restaurants that have families I always insist on eating in the bar area so I don't have to be around them.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this qualifies as ambivalent, but I have never really liked kids and I knew I would never be a person that had kids if I didn't meet the right person (single parent by choice). I also always thought that if I didn't have them, I'd be fine.

For me, part of having them is creating these people with the person you love and having the experience of raising them with the person you love. As silly as it might sound, it's kind of the ultimate thing to have in common with your spouse. We trade stories about them and laugh about them (in a nice way, most of the time). I don't know, in some ways it's really hard on your marriage and in other ways, it's the ultimate, unbreakable bond. As in, holy crap look what we did together!

Would day to day life be way easier without them? Yes, definitely. Would day to day life be less rich and full without them? Yes, definitely. I can go from the purest love to complete frustration to simple joy to utter exhaustion, all in one day. Heck, in one afternoon. It's highs and lows and once you're on the ride, you can't get off.

[Anonymous]

I wanted no kids, but like a PP, married a man who really wanted kids, so I agreed to have 1. We now have 4, and I'm tired, but I love it.

What got me over the hump was really talking about my fears. They mostly came down to not ever wanting to be the "default parent," or having to be the 24/7 caregiver. I am an introvert, and really can only take the constant chatter and neediness in small doses. If you have money to throw at the problems that come along with children, the children themselves are great.

I strongly suggest that you start from a position of at least part time child care from the get-go, whether daycare, grandma, or nanny. Does that help you feel better about the idea, OP?

I should also say we were older parents (I was 37 when we had our first), so I knew that I wasn't really going to be giving up traveling the world -- I wasn't doing that at the time.