Why troubled couples wait until too late

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, angry much? Why are you so mad at me? If you are so frustrated with me and my questions, the go away. Quit looking at this thread. No one is making you answer.

I'm genuinely curious as to how couple's get into this state. And the couples I mentioned are fighting and fighting a lot.

NP here. You're on a soap box. The person responding to you made a great attempt at answering your question and you knock it down. PP did answer your question, and did a good job of it. It certainly resonated for me and what I've heard. Maybe you're not interested in understanding? Maybe you are just here to preen, to show off how wonderfully you manage issues and poo poo on those who are in a very different place?

I don't know, but your attitude is pretty awful. Try listening and engaging more constructively.

It's funny that you are now displaying some of the exact behavior that keeps couples from seeking help----you're not hearing what others are trying to say, not acknowledging a different perspective, ignoring insights, and being kinda bitchy on top of it.

Stawp.

I am listening to the others. But I take offense from the PP that I must not have face any strife. I'm not on a soapbox, just defending myself. PP can't say i don't understand because I've never been there, because I have and I am.

[Anonymous]

Ah, so you are not listening because you are offended. Ok, just checking...

[Anonymous]

Because of two things.

A). Denial. Even though things may be rough at home, many folks do not want to admit they are as bad as they really are. They may make excuses (even to themselves) so they won't have to deal with the inevitable. They may think it will be easier to deal with later on so they procrastinate.

B). Being alone. People do not want to be alone, in some minds the status quo is better to them than the number one. Yes, one is a lonely number but staying with someone just so you are not "alone" is unhealthy for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Denial

[Anonymous]

My DH has a persanility disorder that became more magnified with age. People change.

[Anonymous]

Many reasons depend on couple and situation. I can't speak for other so here is my case. For me, I think we have problem but DH said no, we can talk to each other so why need counsellor. Counsellor is for those who won't talk to each other. But he doesn't know that I don't really communicate with him, just put it up to pass the tough time. I felt tired, stressed, and have no desired for sex. I tried counsellor myself but it doesn't work from just one side. We have little kid and I don't want to be single parent. I am also too chicken to stand up for myself so I just work around put fill up my anger inside. In 5 more years, I may be in the situation you mentioned when my anger tank is overfilled and my love tank is empty.

Hope that is the answer you are looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, angry much? Why are you so mad at me? If you are so frustrated with me and my questions, the go away. Quit looking at this thread. No one is making you answer.

I'm genuinely curious as to how couple's get into this state. And the couples I mentioned are fighting and fighting a lot.

NP here. You're on a soap box. The person responding to you made a great attempt at answering your question and you knock it down. PP did answer your question, and did a good job of it. It certainly resonated for me and what I've heard. Maybe you're not interested in understanding? Maybe you are just here to preen, to show off how wonderfully you manage issues and poo poo on those who are in a very different place?

I don't know, but your attitude is pretty awful. Try listening and engaging more constructively.

It's funny that you are now displaying some of the exact behavior that keeps couples from seeking help----you're not hearing what others are trying to say, not acknowledging a different perspective, ignoring insights, and being kinda bitchy on top of it.

Stawp.

+1 from a NP
Check back in when your soap box wobbles and your footing isn't quite as steady as you thought. I have kids so I hung on, trying to make things work. My exH tried halfheartedly, but would bail as soon as he thought a therapist was taking "my side". And as another poster put it, I was like a frog in a pot of water slowly coming to a boil. It took me a long time to realize that I was the only one who wanted the marriage to work, and therefore the marriage would never work.

No one gets married and has kids thinking that they are going to divorce. And most people try hard to make things work. But marriage is for grown ups, and in my case, my ex didn't want to be a grown up any more. So he's off and running and I'm now a single mom of three.

[Anonymous]

OP Here- Thank you for the people who gave real responses and didn't just try to knock me down. I totally can understand denial, hoping it's a phase and the boiling frog problem.

I also know how difficult (and heartbreaking) it is when one person wants to go to counseling and the other one doesn't. Although there is part of me that just wants to hit the 'no counseling' partner upside the head.

I think I'm just frustrated because I love and care for my friends. I want them to be happy. (PP-I do not think my friends are perfect. I know I'm getting a biased story and that they are 50% responsible for their problems. That is one of the reasons I've been encouraging them into individual counseling. One friend is married to an Ass, but she goads him.) It's like watching a slow death march towards divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1 from a NP
Check back in when your soap box wobbles and your footing isn't quite as steady as you thought. I have kids so I hung on, trying to make things work. My exH tried halfheartedly, but would bail as soon as he thought a therapist was taking "my side". And as another poster put it, I was like a frog in a pot of water slowly coming to a boil. It took me a long time to realize that I was the only one who wanted the marriage to work, and therefore the marriage would never work.

No one gets married and has kids thinking that they are going to divorce. And most people try hard to make things work. But marriage is for grown ups, and in my case, my ex didn't want to be a grown up any more. So he's off and running and I'm now a single mom of three.

OP Here--sigh...like I said before, we have and are experiencing wobbly footing, very wobbly footing--I'm in the thick of it now. I understand that I'm very lucky that my DH is willing to take responsibility for his share of the issues and go to counseling. And I'm sorry your DH would rather blame you than work on the marriage.

Why is it so hard for people to understand that it is possible for me to be in a marriage that has dealt with hardships AND I yet I still wonder why couples wait so long until it is too late? I'm not saying look at me I have a perfect marriage; why aren't you more like me?

And people are answering the question I posed. Just because I'm not responding to every post does not mean I'm not reading and learning.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are on very wobbly footing as you say you are, then why are t you in couoles therapy? Your DH may be having some issues, but marriage takes two people to work at it and frankly, we all have issues that can tear a marriage apart. You say you are satisfied that just your DH being in therapy is enough, but have you looked in the mirror at all? I have a feeling that your questions and subsequent defensiveness on this thread is really about you.

[Anonymous]

DW has a personality disorder and manipulates and schemes. She would never put herself in a position where a professional could call her out on her bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

+1 from a NP
Check back in when your soap box wobbles and your footing isn't quite as steady as you thought. I have kids so I hung on, trying to make things work. My exH tried halfheartedly, but would bail as soon as he thought a therapist was taking "my side". And as another poster put it, I was like a frog in a pot of water slowly coming to a boil. It took me a long time to realize that I was the only one who wanted the marriage to work, and therefore the marriage would never work.

No one gets married and has kids thinking that they are going to divorce. And most people try hard to make things work. But marriage is for grown ups, and in my case, my ex didn't want to be a grown up any more. So he's off and running and I'm now a single mom of three.

OP Here--sigh...like I said before, we have and are experiencing wobbly footing, very wobbly footing--I'm in the thick of it now. I understand that I'm very lucky that my DH is willing to take responsibility for his share of the issues and go to counseling. And I'm sorry your DH would rather blame you than work on the marriage.

Why is it so hard for people to understand that it is possible for me to be in a marriage that has dealt with hardships AND I yet I still wonder why couples wait so long until it is too late? I'm not saying look at me I have a perfect marriage; why aren't you more like me?

And people are answering the question I posed. Just because I'm not responding to every post does not mean I'm not reading and learning.

I'm the poster you quoted. As a PP said, why aren't you getting counseling too? Or doing couples as well as individual? I don't understand. If you are "in the thick of it", but consider yourself lucky that your DH is taking responsibility, then what are you doing? Marriage takes two people to make it work, although issues aren't usually 50/50. Even if your DH is taking responsibility, and you believe he's 100% at fault, you need to look at yourself.

People don't usually "wait until it's too late" as you put it, they hang on and try to make it work. That's not denial, that is being able to look at yourself in the mirror and know that you gave your marriage everything you had. And then know when to leave. For me, it took years not because I was in denial, but because I needed to try everything. And we have children. And you don't chuck out a nearly 20 year marriage at the first signs of trouble.

Sorry - but you sound really young, and judgy.

[Anonymous]

OP here--I'm open to couples counseling, but we don't think it's the right thing right now. We've had a tragic thing happen that caused a huge amount of grief. We are dealing with it, but it has cause his addiction problems to come back. So for now going to individual therapy is what is best for us.

Am I the only person who has friends in struggling marriages that know they are in crisis and have major problems that keep doing the same thing over and over and keep expecting the same results? If their children were having this many problems they would be seeing specialists, reading books and trying everything.

Sorry my little vent about seeing my friends struggle (and yet keep doing the same thing) has somehow turned into something is wrong with me and my marriage...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--I'm open to couples counseling, but we don't think it's the right thing right now. We've had a tragic thing happen that caused a huge amount of grief. We are dealing with it, but it has cause his addiction problems to come back. So for now going to individual therapy is what is best for us.

Am I the only person who has friends in struggling marriages that know they are in crisis and have major problems that keep doing the same thing over and over and keep expecting the same results? If their children were having this many problems they would be seeing specialists, reading books and trying everything.

Sorry my little vent about seeing my friends struggle (and yet keep doing the same thing) has somehow turned into something is wrong with me and my marriage...

Op you are not the only person.
I might be one of those couples but am working on it in many ways. Also, personally know five couples in my circle who fits what you mentioned on your original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--I'm open to couples counseling, but we don't think it's the right thing right now. We've had a tragic thing happen that caused a huge amount of grief. We are dealing with it, but it has cause his addiction problems to come back. So for now going to individual therapy is what is best for us.

Am I the only person who has friends in struggling marriages that know they are in crisis and have major problems that keep doing the same thing over and over and keep expecting the same results? If their children were having this many problems they would be seeing specialists, reading books and trying everything.

Sorry my little vent about seeing my friends struggle (and yet keep doing the same thing) has somehow turned into something is wrong with me and my marriage...

Well, you are the one who brought up the subject of other people's marriages...

I think the only response to your "little vent" is to MYOB.